I want to hold you
And never let go

-Porappippam, sunmi

Like everything that would come to an end, the holidays drew a curtain too, indicating that the busy as ever days were back. Here I was sitting in the university cafeteria with a yogurt drink and my notebooks before me, studying by myself.

Lunch hour had ended a while ago but there were still a few students here and there. As I sipped on my yogurt I could not help but remember my first ever time tasting this drink in this very seat with Haneul before me.

Winter was blooming in the Seoul city but inside of me, it felt warm, like the sensations of spring or even a greater haven than that, when before there was only an eternal frost that lived beneath my skin.

Because now while I sat alone, I knew I was not really alone. I had friends, I had people that would be there for me to lean on them.

The Kang Daisy from the past was still there but this Daisy was living it better.

"I'm going to sit here!" A familiar voice chirped and I looked up to find Wonho placing his tray down on the table and taking a seat on the other end.

Two other people took the chairs out by my sides and sat. "They really were serving ramen today!" Minhyuk laughed on my left. Kihyun only took a sip of his Pepsi on my right.

"You were not sure?" Wonho's eyes had grown bigger, the sunbeams reflecting on his pink hair from the glass walls. "You lured me in here saying they were serving ramen today!"

"It's not like I am a student anymore," Minhyuk shrugged with his shoulders and turned to me. "All I wanted was to surprise Daisy anyway."

"She does not look so surprised," Wonho sneered.

I closed off the book before me. "It's because I have a resting bitch face."

"R-resting what?" Wonho stuttered and I saw his chopsticks fall from his hands to the bawl of ramen before him.

By my side, Minhyuk laughed loudly again and Kihyun cleared his throat. "I did lure you in with ramen but Kihyun came without any method of me, manipulating him." The burgundy head propped an arm on the table and placed his chin on it. "Right, Kihyun?" he drawled.

Kihyun, was as usual, silent. "Did something happen between you two?" Wonho asked casually while slurping down his noodles. Seeing us both glance at each other before facing him, Wonho's face fell. "Something really happened?!"

"Nothing much," Kihyun replied and I felt my face morphing into a crimson palette.

"Much?" Minhyuk teased again. "How much is that nothing much?"

I wanted to dig a grave for myself right in the concrete and never come up from there. "None of your business," Kihyun sighed and focused on the carbonated drink on his hand.

"Wow...," Wonho gasped slightly.

"As usual, Kihyun being no fun," Minhyuk retorted. Inside my brain, something different was going on.

As if the tape of Kihyun and I kissing, making out on the sofa in the very club room for almost an hour was playing again, for the millionth time since the incident had happened.

Probably by that 'nothing much' Kihyun implied that we did not go to the furthest, as in nothing more than that make out had happened. But it could've, if Kihyun didn't hold himself back.

Because I was ready to give myself away. And it made steam emit from my ears when my brain told me that it wasn't just a spur of the moment, I would still give him my all if he wanted.

Kihyun resisted that I should go home that night. Did he not feel as attracted to me as I had felt for him?

I glanced at him to my right and saw him staring at me, yet right that instance, he looked away.

"You know, Daisy," Minhyuk was poking on my arm with an enigmatic look on his face. "If you ever go on a trip with us you'll witness the craziest things!"

Right, the trip. Wonho had brought up the trip to Japan planned in summer again, I was too dazed in my own thoughts to notice. Finally, I poured my attention to Minhyuk.

"Like Kihyun sleeps eighty percent naked all the time, even in the hotel. Are you ready for that?"

My face burned while Kihyun almost choked, letting out a plethora of coughs he shouted, "I'm not half as bad as Changkyun! One time I saw him completely naked at midnight sitting on a leather seat, playing video games and it was traumatizing."

Wonho and Minhyuk both laughed heartedly in the memory while I deflated on my seat trying not to let the imagery corrupt my mind.

"And that's not even the half of it." Minhyuk vehemently whirled around in his position to look at Wonho and then back at Kihyun and me. "Remember that one time Changkyun and Jooheon were chocking Hyungwon in the hotel room to perform some demonic ritual?"

Considering the gothic aura Changkyun would often spread, I would not be surprised if he was secretly a Satanist. Hearing Jooheon join in made me feel bad for the lanky boy Hyungwon.

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, I helped them perform but we were stopped because Kihyun took it seriously and started to recite the bible." A look of disappointment made its way onto Minhyuk's face. "Kihyun was this close to calling the cops on us."

"Being one of the eldest you could've held back the youngers but no-" Wonho shook his head lightly to the sides with a frown on his face.

Minhyuk hoisted two fingers up, close to his face showing a victory sign. "That's just how I am, baby."

Feeling the vibrations coming from my other side I turned to find Kihyun silently chuckling to himself looking down, his eyes turning into moon crescents, while creases formed near his eyes and cheekbone areas, he bit on his lower to stop but the aftermath; the smile was still there.

Coming to think of it, I had seen him laugh and smile a few times. But every time it was in the English club where he was different, and not his usual self. I could not help but feel that his cheerful self was a façade too.

When at other times I would meet him, he would turn into another person, the real version of him.

Now as he was there with only a side of his undercut showing because he had grown the hair on his other. And rather than back brushing it or having it as curls (like he would at the English club) he had them falling on a side of his forehead in slick strands.

He was not wearing glasses but lenses. I could not help but think Kihyun was accepting himself as the real him and was not afraid anymore of anyone identifying him for what he was at night.

The wall around him was slowly dissolving.

"Here you were, crying, mom! Mom! In your sleep one time!" Minhyuk's loud shriek brought me out of my dazed state. But Wonho's crestfallen face was the first thing I noticed.

"That was too much Minhyuk." Kihyun shifted beside me and then I remembered, Wonho was an orphan.

That lighthearted joke had gone too far but I knew Minhyuk did not mean to make it, more than that, he probably did not think much before saying it. "Shit, I am sorry, Wonho," he immediately apologized making my hunch true.

"It's okay," Wonho looked down on the tray before him. "I think of Shownu's mom as my mom too. And thankfully she is getting slightly better with medication, so I am happy about that."

Wonho focused on the ramen again and Minhyuk mumbled another apology. I recalled that Shownu's father adopted Wonho as a teen, but that was more for him to become his right-hand man than to be a beloved son.

My heart wrenched in pain in the thought that Wonho really did not have a family, but he had made the best out of whatever he had.

These boys were a family to him too.

"I called Shownu's phone today but it was off," Kihyun said, probably wanting to change the topic. "Did you see him in the morning?"

There was a thoughtful look on his face before Wonho shook his head in negative. "The last time I saw him was at dinner last night. He looked a bit bothered but did not want to talk about it."

"Shownu hyung looks pretty much out of it these days," Minhyuk let out a small exhale.

Kihyun again stirred beside me. "That, I have noticed."

I could not recall the last time I had seen Shownu, after the holidays ended he had become pretty much invisible. I figured that it was because the clubs were busier in this season.

Right then Kihyun's phone buzzed. Checking the caller's ID he stood up and went a bit further away from us to receive the call.

"Can I sit here?" Our attention was diverted to the girl with a red hoodie, a messy bun on her head, and big framed glasses adorning her feature. Haneul, looming over us with a tray on her hand.

"Of course," I nodded and she sat down. From my periphery, I saw Minhyuk giving her a wave of acknowledgment.

"You must be Haneul," Wonho faced her, who sat by his side. The girl visibly looking ten sizes smaller than Wonho next to him.

Despite the big difference, she gave him her signature gummy smile. "Yes, I am!"

"I heard from Daisy," Wonho smiled politely back at her. "Thank you for helping out in the English club."

The small talk was drawing on and Minhyuk had joined too but my eyes were on Kihyun who had his phone clutched tightly to his ear, his lips quivering. Other hand balled into a fist by his side.

Whatever that phone call was, it obviously was not delivering any good news. When Kihyun cut the call and stormed towards us with his face ghastly as a piece of paper, his beautiful eyes containing a hollow in them, I could not help but jolt up from my seat. Even the boys did the same sensing it, because this Kihyun- I had never seen Kihyun like this before.

"We need to go. It's Shownu," that was all he had said before the three of them left in a rush.

"W-what happened to Shownu?" A clear tone of horror was laced onto Haneul's voice. The air was already off, so was my mind, I was going out of my mind.

"Probably nothing. I will talk to you later Haneul." Not wasting another second I ran outside to catch up to them.

It was probably nothing. It had to.

There were times before when I was this alarmed too. When Wonho was shot with a paintball gun, and I thought it was blood. When Hyungwon faked something similar to death, and I really thought he was dead.

This could be an instance like that too.

Something was telling me it wasn't, however. That I was only consoling myself for a storm that was coming, or, had already come and swept away everything.

"Kihyun! Please stop!" I was huffing for air by the time I had reached them close to the parking lot.

Before Kihyun turned back to me I saw Wonho bursting out in tears, shaking while Minhyuk held his hand, ushering him towards their car.

I immediately knew something bad had happened, there was no point in consoling myself anymore.

And I was not ready to hear it, yet, when Kihyun walked towards me and held my shoulders lightly I tried to calm down to face whatever that was to come.

But my knees were so weak I thought I would collapse, any second. "Listen to me closely, Daisy," Kihyun said in a clear voice as he squeezed on my shoulders, his hollow eyes directed on mine.

"Don't come to the club unless we call you. Don't dare to visit near it either. It's better if you don't contact any of us before we do, and I promise we will. Do you understand me, Daisy?"

The afternoon glowed on his brown eyes and his calm voice serenaded around the empty parking lot, but I knew, I just knew he was trying his best not to show the panic rising amidst him.

"At least tell me what happened before you go?" I pleaded, wanting to envelop Kihyun in a hug right there and tell him it was okay, whatever it was. Wanting to run to Wonho and hold his hand, tell him not to cry.

But how could I when the strongest people I'd ever seen, faltered down like that, Kihyun, Minhyuk, and Wonho. I was only a precarious person myself beneath the tough facade.

Kihyun let out a breath before he closed his eyes tightly and opened them again.

"Shownu is in hospital. He got injured and now is in a serious condition. He shot someone in the clan club."

Everything, really did come to an end. 

---
A/n: well, I warned you. Get ready for more.

On a positive note, wonho reveled his fandom name. It's wenee! It's so cute guys I AM A MONBEBE AND A WENEE AND I'M MONSTA X'S AND WONHO'S NUMBER ONE HYPE BITCH

Plus I saw a fanedit on YouTube and it's exactly how I imagine Minhyuk in this story

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=la_LMcg1ywk