Have I really not used that for a title yet???

How???? ??

Apparently I've never rambled about how much I love Firefly, but hEY GUESS WHAT I DO

Mhmmm m it is somewhat late why do you ask

So,, kinda getting real for a second idk?? I don't know where this is gonna go but expect loads of ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and ?????????? ????

So, I mean, alright look when I was,, seven I think? I quite literally told my parents I didn't want friends

The p h y s i c a l e m b o d i m e n t of the meme
I don't need friends, they disappoint me
I STILL CANT BELIEVE HOW PERFECT DJDKSGKSJ

Away from the first of many tangents I ended up telling that to Queenie the other day, and even though I laughed and thought it was funny she said it was sad and felt bad for me??

It kinda made me realize that I was, pathetic in a very self-caused way for a long time

I always assumed toxic referred solely to people in romantic relationships and/or being physically/mentally hurt by their friend, something that would really cut deep, y'know? And I didn't have that by any stretch of the imagination, but in elementary, I got pretty pathetic

I had like,,, one friend at school, and despite the fact that we were in fourth grade when she started she began to try and alienate others from being my friend

GOD these aren't real problems,, I was just hit hard because I'm an only summer child who didn't start to grow up until she was a freshman in high school

But yea, in fifth grade I joined some gals who were, fine, I think, and I was alright

But I developed this attitude where I wanted to be less childish, I think it was because I was so incredibly younglike and it made me unbalanced

Last year was when it got bad,, all on my account, by the way, not here to blame the gals, I may hate most of their guts but that's just by association

It was as if any and all social skills had got up and left. I got weird, the wrong kind of weird. I started depending on my own creativity to try and distract myself, but I wasn't at a level of art I felt comforted by and I was too stubborn to get there, quite a waste. I drew cats crying in science class and mourned the loss of vocal cords at lunchtime. My lips felt forced together, I never knew how to talk but that was all I ever wanted to do. I depended on my parents and began to dread my sister's visits, scared that she would criticize the low level I knew I'd dropped to. I was constantly guilty, still am tbh, and I couldn't feel sorry for myself without hating the act, because that was one thing I was self-aware of – it was obvious how small my problems actually were. Jealousy became the easiest thing to encounter. I envied every artist or writer I came across, too caught up in my cloud of feeling sorry for myself to actually take the steps of improvement. I was so plain and dry and boring and empty all the time

Oh wow
I just read through that
Pretty edgy for a typical spoiled Caucasian with no problems hm Pearl

Then this year happened

God, thank you, unnamed girl from my old school, thank you for meeting Empress over the summer and introducing us

Because for the first time since I met Ryker, I hoped I could trust these people, I knew I could talk about whatever nerdy shit I enjoyed and they would listen, regardless of whether or not they knew what it was

I hoped they'd be nice, I hoped they wouldn't ever leave me, I hoped they would care about my problems and vent to me about theirs and hang out without it feeling like a torturous chore and just care, that's more than I've wanted for longer than you could possibly know~

And I ended up being right

I think?
I know

I love these new friends more than I've ever loved friends before, they're all so unique and kind and caring, we have all this friendly banter I wanted when I was younger and I read about characters in stories, I yearned for the power of friendship trope to make an appearance in my life

Now I just need to get in the romance department
The weird thing is,, I don't have a crush, and I haven't ever really had one, and I don't get it?? I've pondered the likelihood of being aro and it seems slim, I'm definitely in love with the idea of romance and the icky hormones are screaming boyf in my head daily (can you guys maybe shUT UP PLEASE)

It's one of the only things I ever really feel left out about with my friends, which is fine, it's not a problem at all, but it feels weird to whisper-scream about "whodyalikeisithI M" when I can't relate yet I should be able to

I suppose it's for the best, I'm a generally plain person, but there's a two-parted ding ding ding

Part A, I know it's good to get dating experience in hc or even middle school because then you're prepared for adult relationships but I worry I'm never gonna get there because,,

Part B, as stated, I am a very plain person. I mean, I never shut up (I'll mention that in more detail in a sec) but as far as looks? Ha. Hilarious. My sister's convinced she can get my hair cut to look pretty and my friends insist I look fine but I just can't believe their pity encouragement. I'm tall and stiff my skin isn't as tan as I'd like. I weigh too much, 5'10" at last-time-I-checked-was-around-115-I'm-scared-to-reupdate-it's-been-months is not a healthy thing, my nose is weird and my eyes are small and my hair sticks flat to my head like a tragically blond/e version of John Lennon

I don't, like, how, I, look
Have I ever, realized that?
I know it's just a typical teenage thing, to hate your looks, but no amount of fact can stop the feeling of unprettiness and I wish adult life weren't so hard so I could wish for those better times

I try hard to stand out, too! I wear pretty eyeshadow and I wore eyeliner till I ran out and got too scared to buy more, plus foundation and blush are a daily must
I buy clothes that I love and try to match them well, I put my hair in a bun and wear starry earrings
When my friends take spontaneous pictures I smash my hands on my face

That's enough cliche for now, let's move onto

Part A1, my plainness, physical AND personality, by the way, might prevent me from growing up even more, which isn't really something I need slowing down my late start

The happy thing, however, is that I probably won't have to worry about any of this, no guys interested = no worries about dating!

Why did I even type any of that this wasn't needed

Speaking of not needed, my personality sucks
I'm pretty oblivious and gullible and all that yet I'm mean in the least threatening way?? And WOW do I talk, I talk and talk about myself for so long, it's as if I haven't been able to for so long and now I can finally open up and all the thoughts are just pouring out in this disgusting word sludge

But I really am happy, still
Yes, I'm stressed and childish and probably not very attractive in any aspect, but I love my friends, they're there for me in ways the old ones never were

If I'm feeling down?? They ask if I'm alright. Sometimes I don't even realize how angsty I look

Well have real conversations about what matters to me, and I really care about their lives

They're so sweet and hecking hilarious, no longer do I have to pretend people behind a screen laugh at my jokes either, now they do

I finally have an art friend!! Technically several

All in all, I'm so happy I've been saved like this

WOW this was long, I'm obviously gonna publish this because I lovehatelove attention and pouring out my insecurities is apparently a thing I want to do now, but assuming you even do read to the end ( I wouldn't blame you if you clicked away pretty quickly here) thanks for making it this far,, I'm sorry for making my life seem like a problem because I have it so well, so many privileges and so little trauma

But now that I've listened for so long, I can't help but talk a lot

I might delete this at some point, but maybe I'll leave it up, this is the real Pearl right here, too lucky for her own good, climbing out of her hole she dug for herself, an eternal state of guiltily grateful

I GOT DRAMATIC HERE WOW