For a few moments, I'm lost in this glorious body-transcending kiss. I forget about my fear and my hatred of Christmas and this horrible Airbnb. Instead, I focus on Liam, the adorable Irish guy who sees something worthy in me. He is heat in a world of cold, light in a universe of dark.

I'm kissing Liam.

This is the only thought in my mind as he tangles his hand in my thick hair and pulls me into him.

I'm kissing Liam.

The building euphoria crashes when I repeat the phrase in my head. Oh no. What am I doing? Liam is just my super-hot partner in crime. I wanted to be his friend, and now I've become something more. Now the tentative balance between us is broken. Now I'm kissing the guy I've only known for a few days.

My hand is knotted in the neck of his t-shirt and I flatten it against his chest and push him away, breaking the gravity between us.

"No," I exclaim between frantic breaths.

I can't kiss Liam.

Sickening vulnerability washes over me. I'm supposed to protect myself and keep away anyone who can hurt me, yet here I am, kissing a boy who makes me believe in ridiculous ideas of fate and magic. This is too much, too fast. Overpowering anxiety falls over me and I need to be alone.

"Stop," I whisper.
Liam's pale eyes catch on mine, searching my face. "Keidy? What's wrong? I'm sorry, I thought--"

"Just stop," I repeat, licking my dry, swollen lips. I close my eyes to fight back the dizzying gray at the corners of my sight. "I...I can't do this."

I lunge to my feet on unsteady legs and stumble towards the bathroom. I need to be by myself. What have I done?

"Keidy, wait!" Liam exclaims. He reaches out to touch my arm but retracts his hand when I flinch away. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." He scratches his head, his ears tinged pink. "I thought you were attracted to me. I didn't mean to take any liberties."

My cheeks flame. Of course I'm attracted to him. He's adorable and kind and cares way too much about me for only knowing me for a few days. But that's the problem--we've only known each other for a few days. What happens when Liam realizes how dark and tortured my soul is? What happens when he realizes he's signed up for more than he wanted?

Perhaps he hasn't signed up for anything, I realize. Maybe he just wants to kiss the decently cute girl with whom he's stuck in this cabin. Maybe, despite all his kindness, this is just a hookup. Maybe he's just like every other college guy I've met.

This is what I get for letting down my walls.

I stumble towards the bathroom and slam the door shut behind me when I get inside. Then I sit on the toilet and cover my face as tears run down my cheeks. It's been over a year since anyone kissed me, and I can't remember the last time someone kissed me like that. Like I mattered. My hands shake over my damp face and I try to draw in deep breaths.

Wanted.

I haven't felt wanted in a long, long time. My parents never wanted me. My friends only put up with me. My highschool boyfriend used and discarded me. And Liam, Liam wanted me. But maybe he only wanted me because I'm the only one here, and I was the only girl left on campus. Maybe I seemed weak and vulnerable. What guy would kiss a girl he just met unless he was planning on sleeping with her and ditching her later?

I was totally wrong about Liam. If he seemed kind or caring, it was only because he wanted to take advantage of my weakness around the holidays. But that kiss--

"Keidy, I'm sorry." Liam's voice surprises me from right outside the door. His voice has dropped an octave. "I wasn't trying--I just thought that we had a connection, but I don't want yah to think that I just wanted...I like yah. I know we've only known each other a few days, but I like yah and that's why I kissed yah. I hope I didn't ruin everything."

His words can't pierce the shroud of doubt that covers me. Why did Liam even come with me on this trip? To take me to a cabin in the middle of the woods and seduce me? My stomach rolls and I press a hand to it. I'm an idiot. I can't believe I fell for this. I know better.

"Keidy, please," Liam persists. "At least get some sleep. I'll stay on the couch, and if yah want to go back to school tomorrow, I swear I'll take yah."

I draw in a shattering breath. If Liam wanted to hurt me, he already could have. He's had ample opportunity--in the hotel room, the car, the forest. He doesn't want to hurt me. Maybe I can trust him to at least leave me in peace while I sleep.

But what if he's telling the truth?
A tiny sliver of hope naggles at me from the back of my mind. It's possible, I suppose. It's possible that Liam is as attracted to me as he claims. That he really just likes me. Before my panic set in, I liked him just as much. I wanted him to kiss me. But it's still too soon, isn't it? We've only known each other for a few days. What if he puts his toilet paper on the wrong direction? What if he listens to Eminem? What if he believes in the Loch Ness Monster? I take a deep breath.

History demands I believe my fears. No one has ever wanted me for me, so why should Liam be any different? But a tiny part of me wants to believe him. I want to believe he really cares because I really care about him. I want to be his friend and make fun of him for his love of hot chocolate. I want to kiss him when he tells me he cares. But I also don't want to break. I'm too strong for that.

I hear Liam sigh and his footsteps retreat into the rest of the cabin and I stand up slowly. What's wrong with me? A guy kisses me and I have a melt down. My mind is starting to clear, but I still don't know what to make of Liam's kiss. Even if it was genuine, it was too much too fast. I turn towards the white porcelain sink and rest my hands on both sides. The mirror returns a warped picture of me, bleary-eyed and desperate. I need to sleep. Maybe everything will make more sense in the morning. I wipe the tears from my red cheeks and open the bathroom door with a creak. Liam sits on the couch with his head in his hands, staring towards the fire. He jumps up when I emerge.

"Are yah alright?" he exclaims, taking a step towards me.

I close my eyes. Half of me wants to kiss him and half of me wants to run away, and I'm too tired to figure out which one I should listen to.

"I just want to sleep."

Liam opens his mouth to say something, but closes it again. "Keidy, you know I didn't mean to scare you. I..."

I stop him with a raised palm. "I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go to bed. Maybe we can...talk in the morning."

I know I should apologize for running away, for stopping a moment that could have meant everything, but I can't. All I can do is think about all the reasons he shouldn't want me. He presses his lips together and frowns.

"Alright. If that's what yah want."

I nod and stumble towards the bed, not even bothering to change into pajamas. I just need to sleep and let this whole dream-turned-nightmare fade away. I pull the ratty green comforter over my body and take a deep breath. Liam still stands by the fire, the flickering lights sharpening his shadow.

"For the record," he says, "I've wanted to kiss you since I saw you hanging out of that window." He grins and my heart sputters. "I'm sorry if I hurt you or scared you or whatever, but that kiss wasn't a mistake. Not for me."

Liam picks up a discarded blanket and settles onto the couch.

"Goodnight, Keidy."