[043] one last act of faith

( trigger warning for a pretty traumatic labor scene )

                                                                               Suki was fucking panicking.

                                                                               She couldn't really move, watching with wide eyes as most of the girls rushed to Shauna's aid. Suki wanted to do something. Anything other than feel as useless as she did. But she wasn't really sure what to do. This wasn't some movie that she could just watch on her couch and nervously spectate while on the edge of her seat. This was real life and Shauna's baby boy was about to arrive.

                                                                             "Why the fuck is this taking so long?" Shauna complained, glaring down at her stomach as though it'd magically stop the grueling pain she felt. She cried seconds later, the pain enveloping her entire body.

                                                                              Suki swore she could feel the aftershocks herself. Although it could've just been her anxiety playing tricks on her.

                                                                             "Should we, like, boil water? That's something people do, right?" Mari offered. Although she was trying to sound calm, Mari was nothing more than a sweaty mess watching on in both shock and horror. She was constantly rubbing her sweaty hands against her sweater, small beads of sweat now rolling down her own forehead.

                                                                             "Yeah, yeah. That's a good idea. We need to keep things clean," Akilah was quick to agree as she made her way to the cot with clean cloths in her possession. "Suki, do you mind helping me?"

                                                                               Suki only hums in response, her hands shaking as she takes some of the cloths from Akilah. She could feel Courtney staring at her but she ignored her for now. Suki couldn't allow herself to focus on Courtney or their fight when Shauna was in the process of delivering her son. They'd be able to talk later.

                                                                            "These are contractions, right?" Natalie questioned beside Shauna who continued to groan in pain.

                                                                             Suki sucked in a sharp breath as visions of blood everywhere kept flashing in her mind. Why was this coming up now?

                                                                            "Should we be timing them or something?" Natalie adds, causing Suki to snap out of it.

                                                                            "Yeah, that last one was just over a minute. Is that long or short?" Gen asked Misty who stared off into space, appearing as freaked out as Shauna felt. "Misty! Should I be timing the in-between or no?"

                                                                            "I - I don't know. I just - I need to -," Misty manages to get out before she looks over at Courtney, the fear written all over her face. She was freaking out now that the time to deliver Shauna's baby was actually here. And between everything that happened with Crystal, Misty was struggling to handle her emotions.

                                                                           Courtney, on the other hand, sent her a stony look which basically read: get your shit together or else. Suki glanced between the two of them, wondering what exactly what was going on between the two of them. Their sudden friendship had always confused the hell out of Suki, given how she didn't care for Misty whatsoever. But Suki wished she knew whatever secret was keeping them so tight.

                                                                           "Okay, I think when they're this regular and intense, she's in labor labor and the baby is actually coming," Akilah supplied, not wanting to freak out an increasingly frightened Shauna.

                                                                          "She's right. It's going to be okay, Shauna," Suki nodded in assurance.

                                                                          "Okay, so it should be over soon?" Taissa asked, sounding and looking hopeful about the situation.

                                                                           Akilah shrugs. "Maybe. But my sister's labor was a day and a half."

                                                                          "Holy shit," Suki murmured.

                                                                          "No. No, I can't take this for a day and a half, Tai. I can't!" Shauna fearfully cried with wide eyes, squeezing Taissa's hand so much that Taissa was close to losing the feeling in her hand.

                                                                          "Shauna, you can fucking do anything!" Taissa's quick to assure her.

                                                                          "Of course you can do it. And we're here to help... Right, Misty?" Akilah glared at Misty, who was staring off into the distance fearfully yet again, as she spoke. "What do you need from me?"

                                                                          In that moment, Lottie appeared with Van trailing behind her. They made their way to the cot and by Shauna's head, looking down at the mother-to-be with nervous expressions. Lottie and Suki briefly share a look before the former looks back over at Shauna, swallowing hard.

                                                                        "Um... hands. Maybe we can... we can share our hopes with each other," Lottie then suggested. Suki joined hands with the others, holding onto each other out of a need to feel connected and potentially make things less tense and stressful.

                                                                       "Wilderness, I hope Shauna doesn't die," Mari spoke up first, causing everyone to glare at her for saying something so stupid.

                                                                       "What the fuck?" Taissa snapped, glaring at Mari with enough venom to kill. "Why would you say die?"

                                                                        Mari quickly looks away from her, realizing that she had fucked up and stays silent. Courtney just rolls her eyes.

                                                                       "Die?" Shauna repeats, her doe eyes glossy with tears. She looked absolutely terrified and it made Suki's heart break.

                                                                       "You're not gonna die," Taissa's quick to assure her.

                                                                       "Suki?" Shauna looks over at Suki. She seemed to have already forgiven her for earlier and that made Suki feel a little better.

                                                                       "Of course not. You're not gonna die. You're going to make it," Suki says assuredly, nodding along with Taissa.

                                                                      "Shauna, everything's gonna be okay," Lottie kneels down next to Shauna, quick to join in on comforting her, "Just let your pain open you to this moment."

                                                                     "What the -?" Taissa glared over at Lottie.

                                                                      She lets go of Shauna's hand and stands up, rushing over to Lottie and yanking her up. Lottie was obviously startled but she was even more crestfallen than anything at the blatant rejection of her help. She hadn't meant to do any harm. She only wanted to offer her input and help, even if some of them couldn't quite understand it.

                                                                     "Lottie, I know you're trying to helpful but she could really do with some space. This is hard enough already - go!" Taissa ordered.

                                                                       Lottie reluctantly walked away from the bed and that's when Shauna cried once again, the pain returning with a vengeance. Misty started talking to herself, hyping herself up and it seemed to be working. She appeared more confident than before as she stated, "And you can do this too, Shauna. Just keep breathing."

                                                                       Shauna did as she was told, only for Misty to quickly start panicking again. She pulled her hands away from in between Shauna's legs and Suki was able to catch sight of blood on Misty's hands. Courtney managed to catch it too because she had moved in even closer, her eyes shining with curiosity.

                                                                       Shauna then began to sit up, trying to look down and see what was going on. "What's happening? Something feels weird."

                                                                      "Oh, no," Suki's heart sinks.

                                                                        Misty's hands start to shake as she goes back and forth, feeling scared all over again. Suki looked at Misty pleadingly, wanting her to help Shauna like she promised she would. The others chimed in as well but at the end of it all, Misty chose to run away. She rushed up to her feet, apologizing, as she ran away from the group with blood still on her hands. Shauna's blood.

                                                                       Suki looks over at Courtney, feeling so scared. Even if they were at odds, Suki really needed her. Courtney decided to kneel right next to Suki to try and comfort her as much as she could. Natalie saw the two of them close together but she knew that now wasn't the right time to say anything.

                                                                      "Misty? What the fuck, Misty?" Taissa hissed.

                                                                        Natalie decided to bring in Coach Scott for help, seeing as he was the only adult in the room. But he was still as delusional as ever, going on about pressing play on a video. He walked back into the room, unaware of the harsh and incredulous stares thrown his way. Coach Scott's own mind was beginning to turn against him, delusions bringing him more comfort than anything else.

                                                                        If Suki wasn't so stressed out, she'd feel sorry for him.

                                                                      "Ignore him, Shauna," Natalie shakes her head, turning back to look at Shauna. "Women have been having babies for millions of years. You're gonna be fine. Akilah's got this."

                                                                     Shauna really wanted to believe Natalie. But it was hard to be comforted even a little bit when she was basically in pain every minute. And to make matters worse, Akilah was whispering to herself which unnerved Shauna even more. "Who are you talking to? Where's Misty?"

                                                                    "Misty -," Akilah started, only to stop herself before she could reveal what really happened and freak Shauna out even more.

                                                                    "She's just... grabbing some more rags for us to clean you off with. She should be back any minute now," Suki supplied, earning a grateful look from Akilah. Suki returned it with a small smile of assurance.

                                                                     Akilah grabbed several rags and started to wipe at the blood mixed with fluids that continued to flow from Shauna. Suki wasn't sure what to make from it but she wasn't sure that was supposed to be good either. Suki felt determined to do something to help, even if it meant joining Lottie in an effort to make the wilderness assist with bringing forth new life. There was no reason for It to take the baby away, right?

                                                                  "Can you stay here with Shauna?" Suki suddenly asked Courtney who had been tracing the teeth marks on her hand for a while now.

                                                                  "Wait, where are you going?" Courtney faltered.

                                                                  "I'm relying on the wilderness to help us. I hope you're right," is all Suki says.

                                                                    And with that, Suki gets up and joins Lottie so they could meditate and ask the wilderness for help. But the labor seemed to drag on for hours, Shauna's body growing weaker and weaker as she waited for the baby to come. But he never did. Suki was worried that the baby would kill Shauna and it was a sentiment shared by pretty much everyone inside of the cabin. If the baby did make it, the likelihood of Shauna living too was incredibly low. Suki was running out of ideas but then, an idea finally formed in her mind.

                                                                 "Travis," Suki whispers over to him, "Bring down the deer skull mounted on the wall. I think it's time for us to make a sacrifice."

                                                                   Travis meets Suki's gaze for a moment before he nods, going over to take it off the wall and set it down onto the table positioned in front of the fire. He pulled out a knife afterwards, dragging the blade across his palm and allowing droplets of blood to fall onto the top. Others presented their offerings which ranged from hair to a button and even a shell, while Suki pricked her finger with the knife - letting the blood drip on top of the others' sacrifice.

                                                                 "The wilderness recognizes your sacrifice," Lottie says, tenderly taking care of Travis' wound with a piece of cliff, "And so do we." We referred to her and Suki and the girl meets Lottie's gaze after she finishes looking at Travis.

                                                                  They continued to pray and meditate, hoping to get the wilderness to help them with Shauna's delivery. Suki hoped that her doubts about the wilderness wouldn't ruin their chances. But as she kept praying, she could see the Antler Queen in the corner. Even though she couldn't see her face, she could feel her eyes staring at her.

                                                                But soon enough, Akilah would make the announcement that would give Suki and the others hope.

                                                               "I think it's coming!" Akilah declared excitedly.

                                                                Shauna cried out in pain once more and it soon melts into nothing more than gasps and deep breaths to regulate her breathing again. Courtney made her way closer to Akilah, briefly noticing the crimson stains all over Shauna's legs before she noticed the baby's head beginning to peek out. Taissa even joined, but her and Akilah's smiles faler when they noticed something strange.

                                                              "Is that... is that the head? It's so purple," Taissa noted.

                                                              "I don't think that's the head at all," Courtney shakes her head.

                                                               Akilah leans forward to see what was wrong, only to discover that it wasn't the baby's head at all. It was only the placenta which managed to make its way out of Shauna. Courtney frowns in disgust but keeps her comments to herself. 

                                                            "Shoot... I - I think it's the placenta?" Akilah frowned.

                                                            "The placenta?" Taissa repeated.

                                                             Courtney's teeth sink into her lower lip for a moment as she thought about what to say next. "I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure that comes last."

                                                           The smile that had once been on Natalie's face had now disappeared completely.  She had been so excited too, setting up the little crib for the baby to sleep in. 

                                                         "What's going on? Do I keep pushing?" Shauna asked, emotional and desperate for answers.

                                                        "Yes, yes, definitely keep pushing. It's no big deal. It's just coming out a little backwards but, um, don't worry. I'm just gonna touch you again, okay?" Akilah tried to assure Shauna. But she was also panicking, her gaze moving from Shauna to the placenta and the blood which seemed to be everywhere.

                                                       Shauna lied back down on the cot, exhaustion taking over her entire body. The more she pushed and the longer the labor went, the weaker her body became. It was only going to be a matter of time before the life left her body for good. She was pale and her entire body was coated with sweat, despite the freezing temperatures just outside. She couldn't take anymore. Suki ventured towards the bed and that's when she sees all the blood, just like her vision. It was all over her legs and the blankets, and Suki quickly backs away while slowly shaking her head in disbelief.

                                                      Akilah immediately got to work, setting down the placenta before she started to soak up the blood with rags and cloths. Courtney could hear footsteps approaching and she urned around to see that it was none other than Misty. Akilah didn't bother to look behind her but kept talking regardless. 

                                                   "The placenta is out but the baby's still not coming and she's bleeding a lot," Akilah announced, shuffling to the side when she spotted Misty now beside her. "Are you sure you're good now?"

                                                  "I'm great," Misty assured her, looking like she was back to her old self again.

                                                 "Please don't let my baby die," Shauna says in between deep breaths, tears streaming down her cheeks. 

                                                "Okay, just push, Shauna. I know it hurts and I know this is hard but you just need to focus and you need to push," Misty assured her, a grin following those words. "You're so close to being on the other side. And then, you get to meet your baby."

                                                 Misty even went as far as demonstrating the kind of breaths Shauna was supposed to take and Shauna could only weakly follow. While that was going on, Suki had joined the others and Courtney even got up to join the large group as they began to meditate and pray over and over and over again. It was the same phrase - just like the same one from all their meditation periods outside.

                                              "We hear the Wilderness, and it hears us. We hear the Wilderness, and it hears us. We hear the Wilderness, and it hears us."

                                                As the group continued to chant the same mantra, Shauna continued to grow weak. Suki screwed her eyes shut, her tone that much more determined. She wanted to save them both, hopeful that the Wilderness would be kind enough to grant her this mercy. If it did, she swore she'd give in completely and no longer hold herself back. She could hear some people crying but she couldn't really hear Shauna which felt more like a bad thing rather than good.

                                               "Push, Shauna, come on!" Misty ordered.

                                                Shauna used as much strength as possible to push, grunting in pain.

                                               "Good! Good, good, good! I'm palming the head!" Misty excitedly declared, making Suki smile.

                                                 It was all working out. It was exactly how it was supposed to be. Shauna and her son were going to make it.

                                                "You're almost over this, Shauna. Come on, just a little bit more," Misty encouraged her as she held onto the baby's head. She just needed a little more before she could pull the baby out and finally end Shauna's suffering.

                                                 The scream that left Shauna's lips made all the hairs on the back of Suki's neck stand up as she gave one final big push. Suki turned around to see the baby being born but now, Shauna had completely gone limp. Suki lets go of the others and rushes to Shauna's side, seeing how pale and lifeless she looked. 

                                                "No, this can't be. This can't be. I did everything I was supposed to. You weren't supposed to take her," Suki says, tears welling up in her eyes.

                                                 Still in denial, Suki tried to shake Shauna awake. But she wasn't moving. Suki couldn't even feel a pulse on her. The others were crowding around the baby, including Courtney. But almost immediately,  she noticed something was wrong with it. It wasn't crying. It wasn't even moving. His lips were turning black and his skin was completely blue. One of Courtney's aunts had gone through the exact same thing, giving birth to a stillborn baby. She even had a little funeral for the baby which Courtney had never understood. But she knew enough to know that was exactly what had happened to Shauna's baby.

                                                "The baby's stillborn," Courtney declared. "He never stood a chance."

                                                  Of course, no one wanted to believe Courtney at first. But they quickly realized that Courtney was right. With the baby dead and Shauna unresponsive, the others started crying. Both mother and child had passed away, victims to the Wilderness' growing appetite. Suki fell to her knees, holding her head in her hands as she sobbed. Courtney just backed away from the others, struggling to feel the sorrow that the rest of them. But as the group continued to mourn for both mother and child, the sudden shouts coming from Shauna herself caused them all to look up.

                                                "No, no, no, no!" Shauna screams, sitting straight up and looking around in a terrified manner.

                                                 While the others were still processing the fact that Shauna was alive, Taissa rushed over to Shauna and started trying to comfort her. But Shauna was still panicking, her body trembling and her eyes as wide as saucers as she looked around for any sign of her baby.

                                                 "What did you do? What did you do? What did you do?" Shauna questioned over and over again. "Where is he? What did you do? What did you do?"

                                                   All Taissa could do was hold onto Shauna's face in an effort to calm her down. Everyone else was silent, no one having enough courage to say the truth. It was hard, but Taissa finally managed to begin with something.

                                                 "You lost a lot of blood and you were unconscious," Taissa replies as she caresses Shauna's cheeks. "We thought we lost you."

                                                "What?" Shauna asks before she tries to move away from Taissa, finally pushing Taissa off of her so she could look around for any sign of her baby. She looked hysterical as she continued to look around the room and at the others. "Where is he? Why are you lying? Why are you lying? Where is my baby?"

                                                  Suki sniffles, already feeling as though she was about to cry again. Shauna was still so desperate and hysterical that she wasn't even able to put two and two together.

                                                 "Suki, where is he? Where is my baby, Tai? Where's my baby? Where is he?" Shauna continued to ask, glancing between the two of them.

                                                 "I'm sorry, Shauna," Misty apologized, feeling nothing but guilt over her failure to deliver the baby safely. "I'm sorry."

                                                  The confusion was evident on Shauna's face as she looked around, tears streaming down her cheeks. It's then that she finally sees her baby swaddled in the blanket, unmoving and absolutely silent.

                                                 "The baby didn't make it," Suki announced in between sobs. "He didn't make it."

                                                  Instantly, Shauna went straight to denial. With everything she had seen and felt just moments before, she couldn't accept that he was dead. "No, no, no. No, h - he was alive, Suki! I held him. I held him, Tai. He was alive!"

                                                  She was desperate to prove her case, even if no one believed her. They knew what they had seen but Shauna was convinced that everything she had seen was real. She grew more and more emotional and erratic, her eyes watering and her voice getting louder.

                                                 "He was alive and I - I held him. I - I tried to feed him and then I finally fed him and he was crying," Shauna continued, clutching onto her baby boy as she continued to cry. "He was crying. I - I fed him, I fed him."

                                                   The final nail in the coffin was when Shauna was able to see the baby's face. At the sight of how blue his face was, Shauna had no choice but to face the reality - even if it was heartbreaking. "No. He was crying! I - I can still hear him crying. He's still crying. He's hungry, don't you hear him crying? Don't you hear him crying? Can't you hear him crying?"

                                                   Shauna had completely cracked. If Jackie's death wasn't enough to break her, this truly did the job. She was clinging onto her baby, crying as she looked at the others now turning away from her. It was hard to watch her like this. Suki herself gets up, rushing straight into Courtney's arms where she continued to cry. Courtney holds onto her, rubbing her back in an effort to comfort her.

                                                 "Why can't you hear him cry?" Shauna pleaded, pushing Taissa away from her when she still tried to comfort her. "Why can't you hear him cry?"

                                                    Eventually, Shauna hugged Taissa and allowed her to be close. Shauna continued to cry, realizing that her baby was gone. But once her cries had died down, Taissa pulled away from her and left Shauna alone on the cot so she could be on her own and even attempt to process what had just happened. Suki peeks over at Shauna, meeting her gaze. Shauna looked directly at Suki, tears staining her cheeks.

                                                  "Why can't you hear him cry?"

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word count: 3809
notes: 😭😭😭😭😭