Amy's pov:

I had those long moments when I wanted to be a ghost. Well, to be a ghosty I have to die first and I'm not dumb enough to risk that. I still have a lot to explore, to learn, to experience, to solve, to help who needs me and a lot more. So yeah I can't sacrifice it yet.

But I actually receive the ghost treatment from a lot of people, most of the times it shocks me because I didn't predict that this person will literally treat me this way. That's why I will return their favour and be a ghosty who sits in the end of the room that stares and analyse. That's fine to me, I can go with anything. I mean it literally.

People socialise, laugh, lie, even dance when feeling bored or something. They are more interested in my ego, when I'm quiet, more than they need to be or used to be. Know why? Because I am hamble enough to say that I'm different, unlike them. Their curiosity is driving them crazy. They want to hiphold on my secrets.
Nope you aren't allowed to know anything anymore.

They can't understand me. No matter how much I explain. No matter how much I fake it to seem normal. They just can't. I reached a point where I began thinking "why to explain? let them guess and be more wrong than they used to be.

They can't find the quite visible key that I'm always revealing "being alone is my natural state" why? Because I'm always alone. Even when I reached my peak down I was alone. No one helps.

Possible that I could learn to appreciate some of the people in their class--I know I did--but even after learning that appreciation and even after having my own circle of friends, I was still a huge loner. It wasn't uncommon for me to get "cut out" by my "friends" or even by people who I thought had accepted me into their group. I was once cut out of the fake band I had helped to form just because I didn't seem to fit the mold. So, once in a while, I was alone. Hell, even today. I often don't hear about things that happen to my friends until six months after the fact. Or more. They don't just walk and tell me X happened, (I just expect from my silence that I'm giving you the full opportunity to say anything I mean it, anything) I'm always the last to know about anything. They expect me to know, like duhhh why? If I could predict a bit of 'MY' future why and how am I supposed to predict yours?

It's like you are that lone white wolf that wonders the dark forests, running from a savage hunter, aiming for a survival even if its chances are weak, crossing all corners of continents yet there's no shelter. It's a dead route, turn around and let your velvet blue eyes meet up with his. You'll never make it until you face it.
It's cold out here.

Some people feel pity when they see me alone. They think it's a reason for me to be me, face tired. When all that I wished for was not to keep people worrying about me and feeling pity, or to approach me with lies. I'm literally fine, I don't want anything from you or your kind. Don't lie please. Lies hurt more than truth. Even if truth is hurtful say it, don't be afraid. Why to lie if truth is real?

I don't want anyone to feel sadness if I seemed sad on the outside, I don't want to be a reason for you to feel bad. I hurt and deep if you grow closer to me. That's why I wanted to be invisible, well most likely I'm invisible to most people until they need my assistance through something, and I don't turn them down.

I wish they enjoy their happiness all together while I will enjoy my happiness alone, in darkness.

To think of suicide, I won't. Know why? Cause what's the point of ending a life that is meant to be ended at a specific time? Why will you trust the inner you who tells you to pull up the knife and dirty your hands with your own life? What makes you believe that that is the right answer? What makes you trust it ha? tell me. What if it was wrong? It will be too late to go back and you will regret it. Listen to me, you won't regret what I will tell you.

Why won't you listen to the voice who tells you "everything is gonna be okay, trust me things will change just wait"?

Yeah, lost? Tired? Hard to pick? Can't deicide?

Not a big deal, listening to one of these both sides means you care. And to care is a waste. So why don't you use your 'giving up head' who's sitting on that chair and enduring your torture and all the drugs of depression. You might say what the hell is written, it's wrong. Nope, you're wrong. Lemme tell ya something, how can a person wake up happy a day and then the other day depressed? In a simple way, you'll say something (without specifying) pissed him off, or something arouse inside him right? So won't that make depression fake? And you create it? You are the only, and only who can put an end to it. Know when? when you realise that it's pointless. It's not the therapist who can stop it, he just helps you know why it's pointless in an indirect ways. It's all in your hands. The mind is limit, it's a powerful place, what you feed it can effects you in a more powerful ways, pretty cool right? Yeah but it's not as easy as you can say it. Just think about it for a second, if you look at yourself everyday and said you're not great, you'll never be great. That's because you find a good way to cut up your faith.

Don't tell me some can and others can't. How can a student surpass their teacher? When they work harder and learn. If you just pause a moment you'll find that everything in this world is going in cycles. Everything is similar in their outter forms. To bring it a bit closer to your minds, a function f(x). There are zillions or idk how much of there's functions, but they are all functions. But if you sit to study each one you will find that they are different. Some are hard and others are easy. They both need solutions. The only difference between them is there outter form and the way you approach them with solutions. Make sense ha? Take a moment and think it out.

That's why to fix depression you need to stay neutral. Not negative, not positive. Just like in atom, neutrons make sure protons won't fight and go in different direction they keep them together (balance) in one place while electrons go rounds and rounds around the cell cuz protons attract electrons. It's the same thing if you think about it rationally a bit.

You are the one who is in control, be wise and don't die, you'll thank yourself later in future, you'll do it unconsciously, believe me.

Thank you for reading this far.

"Amy it's time," A soft voice called.

''I'm coming in a sec!" I said. I turned my laptop off and when down stairs.

"another day began, stay strong! Stay alive!''