Genre: Short Story
Rating: PG
Chapter(s): 1

####

I. OPENING

1) Cover

The picture is a good one for a front cover, but the font feels a bit off. The whole thing being white with no contrasting colors to speak of is a little too conservative, not being eye-catching at all. Also, for some reason, the font makes me think "comedy" or something else light and happy, while the tags imply this is going to be darker. Might want to look into that contrast.

2) Title

Not particularly original, but not cliched or overused either. I like this because it implies questions. "Why should I sleep tight? Is there something that might keep me from it that makes you need to say that at all?" It's also a common pre-horror scene phrasing. Considering there's only one chapter, I'd say the title is fine, since not a lot of complexity is there to tie in a better title to anyway.

3) Summary

Again, considering it's a short story, not a lot of detail is necessary for a summary/blurb/description. All you need is one or two enticing paragraphs to hook a reader in, and you seem to have to executed that decently well. While possibly lackluster, I can't think of any direct improvements.

II. ELOCUTION: CHAPTERS

This is where I work on how to specifically enhance grammar correctness and especially flow. Several of these edits are not grammatically necessary, but will greatly benefit the flow and ease of reading. You personally have every right to decide which edits to take serious note of. A great many of these may be my own personal preference. Use your own discretion, but keep an open mind.

a. Formatting

- For the sake of making it look a bit more compact, consider using only one space between the lines of each individual stanza (or if you're on a computer, pressing "Shift" while you make a new line). But that could easily be nothing more than a personal preference on my part.

b. Grammar / Diction Corrections

- "...the clock at my black bedside table." - I would consider removing the word "black" because it's not really important in any way, and sort of seems like an extra word thrown in, cluttering up the sentence flow a little.

- "I could feel it in my gut that something was terribly wrong." - I might remove the word "it", because I personally feel that it sounds better for resolving the sentence and adding tension if you do it like "I could feel in my gut that something was terribly wrong." Like that, you have them wondering WHAT he feels in his gut, which is resolved by the end of the sentence and serves to excite them, whereas the "it" makes them think the thing in his gut was already mentioned, confusing them slightly as they finish the sentence and making it lose some of its impact.

c. Imagery Corrections

-null-

d. Dialogue Corrections

-null-

e. Favorite Parts

- The part about the gunshot felt like the climax, and there was a surprising amount of tension being portrayed for the reader that I enjoyed.

- I also liked the very last three lines. The sarcasm and mock-resolution of them felt like the perfect ending for it.

III. PLOT

1) Primary Points

- MC is awoken by a sound

- MC moves silently to check it out
- MC overhears conversation between Father and Patty
- Next morning, Father asks MC if they slept well

2) Logos: Consistency, Logicality, Understandability, and Realism

- My only main concern here is if there was a gunshot, why the police never showed up. Of course, this being a story where conciseness is valued over detail, there could easily be so much more to the story that would explain that, and that's kind of why it doesn't bother me much. I can be more lax about the logicality of stories such as these. From the point of view of the MC, it may even be better to leave these questions unanswered. After all, he likely wouldn't have gotten answers either.

3) Ethos: Themes and Morality

- Stories that have no resolution such as this typically don't have much of a theme, being written mainly for entertainment, and that is perfectly fine.

4) Pathos: Emotion, Creativity, and Enjoyability

- The first part of the chapter felt a bit like a drag compared to the rest of it. I know it was the set up and all, but I felt as though I were waiting for something that wasn't going to happen or had already happened or something. I think maybe what it is is that I wanted to read about the sound that woke him up. Then I would have had the question throughout the rest of it of "what was that sound? What will happen next?" instead of it just being "he wakes up, okay, where's the action?".

- However, the second half of the chapter was nigh perfect in terms of pathos. Pretty exciting stuff.

IV. CHARACTER ANALYSES / INTERPRETATIONS

#1: Main Character (Unnamed)

Almost nothing is learned about the MC in this, but that's alright because I know that's the style of the story.

The fact he had started reading mystery novels was a really cool parallelism between that and what happens moments later.

I wonder why he chose to ignore the events below him instead of trying to escape the house somehow, or calling the police, or really reacting any other way. It's possible his sleepiness put a dream-like quality over everything (hence "this isn't real"), and his desperation for the situation to end caused him to convince himself it had. In the morning, though, he seems to remember it all well enough.

#2: Father and Patty

There is a lot of mystery and open questions left about them, which is interesting and entertaining to try and analyze.

I can assume all evidence of any kind of fight or scuffle was covered up by him, as it is never mentioned or observed by the MC. 

What were they fighting over? Patty mentioned money, making it sound like Father had stolen from her. But his reply contradicted that, making it sound like he was either a) lying in a "I borrowed the money, not stole it" kind of way, or b) they were both involved in some kind of illegal money scam. Maybe money-laundering or skimming off of their workplace's income or something of the sort. For all we know, they could both be master criminals in disguise. That's the beauty of the story, that we never find out and all we can do is fill in the blanks for ourselves, causing the story to be something different to every reader. I always find that extremely cool.

V. RUNDOWN

- Primary Strengths

Emotion, mystery, and tension all come to you naturally.

- Primary Weaknesses

First impression (cover, summary, opening of chapter) is a bit weak. That's especially vital, so maybe consider refining those a bit.

- Do I think this is publishable?

The format being one that is not currently on the publishing market a lot, I'm not sure. But if I were to assume that the format was one currently called for in the publishing world, I would say possibly, in a collection of similar styled short stories.

- Would I recommend this to a friend?

While I did enjoy it, I didn't enjoy it quite enough that I had that intense desperation to get someone else into it, no.