FINLEY

Perhaps moving to New York was a mistake after all.

"Uncle Fin! Uncle Fin! Uncle Fin! Count to one hundred!" Cameron yells excitedly, his three-year-old voice a loud screech.

Shaking my head with an exasperated sigh, I ask, "Again? I just finished counting, bud."

"No!" He slaps my thigh indignantly. "Count!"

Poking his tiny belly with my index finger, I shake my head once more. "No. You count, bud."

A fit of laughter drowns his demands so I keep poking him gently until he's writhing on the floor and begging for mercy.

"Uncle Fin! Uncle Fin! Stop! Stop! Tickles!"

"No can do, bud." I keep poking him, picking him up with one arm and tickling him with the other one. "Tickles make you less demanding."

He keeps laughing and attempts to kick me as I walk us toward his mom who stands at the stove with a smile on her face.

"There are my boys." She smiles brighter at the sight of her suffering son, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "Was just about to call you two for lunch!"

Giving her a look that tells her to not cry for the second time since I got here, I stop messing with my nephew and both of us perk up at the prospect of food.

"Lunch?" we both ask, then glare at the other as if our lines were stolen.

Eleanor laughs at us, then begins plating what looks to be her infamous pasta and sauce.

"I love mommy pasta!" I'm still holding Cam in my arms so I get that statement yelled in my ear.

Hiking him up on my shoulder so he can see his mom plating the pasta even better, I nod along to his words.

"I love your mom's pasta, too, bud." That gets a blinding smile from my sister. "I think it's probably the thing I missed the most when she moved out." Now that gets me a hit on the head with a spatula.

Not understanding much except for the fact that his mom hit me, Cameron giggles softly at my misery, then hits my head with his little palm.

"Ouch, that hurts." I feign pain and rub at my head. "I think I'm bleeding, bud."

Instead of the concern, I expect from him, the little shit nods in satisfaction and exclaims, "Good!"

His mother, the traitor, laughs at her son's lack of remorse and he follows suit.

"So you two are now conspiring against me, I see. What a way to treat a guest." I narrow my eyes at Eleanor. "And you wonder why I didn't come to visit as much."

Done plating our lunch, Eleanor rolls her eyes and sets two porcelain bowls on the kitchen island along with one blue plastic plate on a high chair.

I make my way towards it and plop Cameron in. "Stay seated and finish your food okay, bud?"

He nods dutifully with a grin that reminds me of mine at his age, then begins shoveling pasta into his mouth without the need of a fork.

I grab his signature blue bib from the counter and tie it around his neck before he can mess up all his clothes with pasta sauce. To annoy him a bit, I ruffle his blonde hair.

"Stop, Uncle Fin!" he snaps at me with a glare. "You mess up my hair."

Chuckling at this little child that is a replica of myself when I was three, I ask him for forgiveness and adjust his hair back to his preferred style.

Satisfied with the state of his hair, he shoos me away to eat my food and I laugh internally at just how snobbish this little kid is.

"Look at you," Eleanor teases me with a nudge when I take a seat next to her. "You'll make a great dad someday."

"Highly doubt that," I tell her distractedly as I focus on my food.

"You doubt your parenting skills or the idea that you'll be a dad one day?"

Using a fork to spear some penne pasta, I shrug. "Both, I think."

She sucks her teeth and ignores her food to completely focus on me.

"Here we go," I breathe out with a chuckle. "I'm about to get one of your famous lectures, aren't I?"

It's like my words don't even register and instead she crosses her arms and narrows her eyes. "What if your wife wants to have children then?"

I chew my food slowly on purpose, dreading this conversation already. "Easy. I won't have a wife." I take a drink of water from a glass. "Thank you for the food, by the way. It's delicious."

"Delicious!" Cameron yells in agreement from his high chair and I give him an air fist bump which he reciprocates. The kid is a fast learner, too.

Eleanor waves our compliments off and continues down the tired topic. "What about Jaya? You never plan on marrying her?"

I steel at the mention of her name then force myself to take another bite.

Fuck, I was doing so good. Thirty minutes without thinking about her, an actual record, thanks to Cameron keeping me busy. But now she's back in my mind.

"You plan on never marrying her?" she questions once again, her eyes on me as I try to focus on my food.

"It's not like that with us." I swallow thickly. Did the pasta just turn to stone or something? "Besides, even if I had the desire for marriage, I'd be the last person she would ever marry."

Fucking hell, I can't even say her name.

"I doubt that's true, Fin," she tells me softly.

I chuckle sardonically, suddenly too bothered to continue eating. "No, it's true. She will marry whoever her mom chooses for her."

"And who would her mom choose for her exactly?"

Just thinking about this imaginary fucker makes my blood boil. All I know is that he better have top protection whenever he decides to show up.

"Probably some cultured, rich, well-mannered prick," I grit out menacingly.

Surprisingly, my sister laughs. "You just described yourself, Fin."

Dropping my fork, I crack my neck in restlessness. "Oh, her mom knows well how uncultured I can be. She saw first hand."

Eleanor stops laughing to gape at me. "Yeah, um, I'm definitely not asking more questions about that."

Laughing humorlessly, I force myself to pick my fork back up. "Thank God for little miracles."

She nudges me once more in the way older sisters do and finally picks up her fork to eat. There are four blissful minutes of Cameron blabbering away and me convincing myself I'm not entertaining thoughts of Jaya, before my sister's back at it.

"Still, you don't know for sure that Jaya would go for who her mother would pick for her."

"I should have known you wouldn't let this go so easily." I lean back on the stool and turn to look at her.

With her long blonde hair and blue eyes, my sister is a more lively, expressive, and pure-hearted feminine version of me. We both inherited our features from our mom, but only she inherited the woman's compassion as well.

Eleanor's not putting on a façade, she does not need to hide her true nature because the woman is all rainbow and sunshine, puppies and ice cream, and all the goodness in the world.

Her annoyingly good heart is probably the reason why I couldn't stand her growing up. It was only when I got old enough to understand the importance of my mask that I got closer to her.

I needed to observe her actions to know what was considered good so I could attempt to emulate them. Slowly, I got so used to her to the point of somewhat even enjoying her company.

"Of course, I won't let this go." She frowns softly. "I want to see you happy, Fin."

"And something as . . . domestic and unnecessary as marriage would bring that happiness?" I question skeptically.

"With the right person? Absolutely." She gets a dreamy look in her eyes and sighs. "A dashing man sweeping me off my feet and asking for my hand in marriage? I would faint!"

I shake my head at her fairytale notion of romance and get back to stuffing my mouth with as much pasta as I can.

Perhaps thoughts of Jaya will leave if I'm high off of carbs? No clue, but it's worth a shot.

"So tell me, you're just going to watch Jaya marry some other man while you stand on the sidelines?"

And just like that, pasta gets stuck in my throat.

I splutter and reach for my glass water, downing the whole thing before setting it down with force. "Fuck that shit."

She grins at my use of cuss words and doesn't even chastise me for doing so in front of Cameron. A quick look lets me know that the little guy is in a pasta-filled world.

"You love her, Fin. Why are you so against marriage?"

I snort. "I'm not sure that what I feel for her is love."

She gives me an incredulous look. "The only reason why you're here-in New York and my home-is because of her, Fin. Of course, you love her."

"Love is . . ." I trail off, thinking about the right words, "more affectionate and open. It's the sun and the wind and the stars. It's all good things rolled into one pretty package."

She's silent for a minute, absorbing my words. Cameron finishes his plate and cries for more, so I tell her to keep eating and get up to scoop more on his plate.

"Well, how do you feel about Jaya then?" she finally asks when I take my seat once more.

I don't even have to think about it. "Reckless."

"Reckless? What does that feel like exactly?" She sounds more intrigued than concerned.

It's difficult to put into words but I try my best to paint a picture for her.

"What I feel for her is not like the sun or the wind, bright and free and shiny. It's darker and ominous, and poisonous." I chuckle lowly and shake my head.

She silently watches me, probably creeped out by the complete darkness of my voice. By the weight of the recklessness that I feel for Jaya.

"I swear it gives me the fucking chills sometimes," I murmur, then pick up my fork once more and stab some pasta with it.

I don't look at her, but after staring at me for a while, she lets out a breath and starts eating again.

"Yeah, I don't think that is love."

With my first real laugh in our conversation, I agree, "Ditto, sis."

If what I feel for Jaya is love, then the world would have been in an even worse state than it currently is.

______

After lunch with my nephew and sister, I make my way back to my apartment on the east side of campus.

Since Eleanor lives about twenty minutes from Muller-which sits on the outskirts of New York City in a large, green land-the car ride back is a relatively quick one.

It would have also been a silent one if it wasn't for thoughts of Jaya swirling in my brain the entire time. I've always prided myself in being stronger than my impulses, but she has always proven me wrong.

What I told my sister is true, reckless is how I feel about Jaya. She's always been a wildcard for me, one that I spent the first three years of high school observing in an attempt to break down what about her caused the recklessness.

Was it her soft yet blinding beauty? Or was it the way she carried herself? As if she stood apart from the world and didn't even realize it?

Ultimately, it was when I noticed the mask that she wore that I understood the root of my fixation with her. It was more than a mere physical attraction-though that was certainly consuming, too-and it was unsettling.

It's still unsettling if I'm being honest. The recklessness I feel for her is not something I want to need in my life. Not when it strips me bare and forces all my defenses to crumble.

Initially, when I first saw her freshman year and didn't take note of the mask, I was okay with simply admiring her from afar. It's when I first saw her painting after school, alone and unguarded, that I knew I had to get closer to her.

A sharp ringing drags me out of my spiraling thoughts, and I shake my head at the caller ID before answering through my car's multimedia system.

"What do you want?"

The fucker's laugh fills my car and I sigh at how happy he sounds. I don't need his smugness right now. Since I saw Jaya's regret yesterday after I came on stomach and tits, I've been very close to breaking something.

Visiting Eleanor and Cameron was just the break from reality that I needed, and even then, once Jaya was brought up, I had to leave soon after.

"What the hell's wrong with you, man?"

If Jacob wasn't one of my oldest friends, I wouldn't have answered the call, but alas, that's not the case.

"Is there anything you need, Jacob?" I ask respectfully. "I'm in the middle of something."

"You're driving, Fin. I can hear the noise from traffic."

Tapping the wheel in frustration, I change lanes and sigh. "Fine, I'm driving. What did you need?"

"Can't I call my friend anymore?"

"Aren't you busy with practice? School? Your girl?" Jacob just started Duke University as a player on the lacrosse team this week.

"Practice ended early today, thank you for asking. The first week of school was alright. And my girl is perfect as always."

I hum distractedly as I take a turn, then change lanes again.

"She's asking of you, by the way," he tells me in a serious tone. "Answer her texts, Fin. She's worried."

Shaking my head in disbelief I grumble, "You turned so soft, Jacob. It's quite embarrassing."

The has been pining after Amara practically his whole life, and since she finally gave him the time of day our senior year of high school, my brooding friend has practically turned mushy at her hands.

"Just answer her fucking texts, dumbass."

I can't help the chuckles that escape me. "Tell Amara I'm fine. Just don't feel like answering any questions."

"She knows not to ask questions, Fin. You've practically been MIA for a year with only sporadic texts as communication, she's well aware you won't be answering any questions."

I don't say anything, so he keeps talking, "She's just worried because she knows something happened between you and Jaya and neither of you will say anything about it."

Gritting my teeth, I explain, "It's personal, Jacob. Neither of us is obligated to explain ourselves. Friends or not."

It so happens that Jaya is one of his girl's best friends, and though Amara went to elementary school with all of me and my two other friends, she and Jaya only became friends in high school.

With resignation, he grumbles, "Will you at least explain why you're at her same university when last I heard she wants nothing to do with you?"

"Must I?"

"Yes, fucker. You must."

Smirking at his obvious annoyance with me, I take one last turn into my apartment building's street that houses other complexes.

The Commons are usually reserved for upperclassmen, but thanks to a donation from Barton Enterprises, I was able to gain access to one of their largest penthouses.

"Well, all I can say is that Jaya and I have unresolved . . . business."

I imagine him narrowing his eyes at me from the other side of the line. "This isn't gonna end well, is it?"

I only smirk and put my car in park.