Lincoln

The whirring of an electric guitar shredded through the weight room. Music pulsated through me, helping me drown out my thoughts and focus on bicep curls. The metal of the equipment was no longer cold against my skin. I was holding onto it for so long that it lost its chill, causing my hands to sweat. I had turned up the dial on the stereo after Dante had left. I had somehow roped him into spotting me for most of the day. Now I was left without one, forcing me away from the chest presses that I had been torturing myself with.

The muscles in my arms were screaming at me to stop and call it quits for the day, but I knew that if I did I would be left to think about everything that had happened that morning all over again. I didn't need to give myself time to change my mind. I had come to the decision that my mother was right. Cali didn't belong in my world. I couldn't ruin her like it had ruined me. The thought of letting her go cut me deep, but I couldn't be selfish. Not with her.

The dumbbell dropped down on the rubber mats, my hands searing in pain. I allowed myself to sit on the bench for a moment, funnelling air into my nose as if I had been drowning. Maybe I wasn't in the literal sense of the word, but mentally I was at my wits end.

As I was making the decision to head back out to the treadmill the music in the room switched off. I turned my head to look at the door to the weight room. Andrew stood by the stereo, hand still on the knob. He grinned at me with his usual obnoxious smile, a white plastic bag dangled at his side.

"You plan on being here all night?" Andrew asked, stepping over a few weights I hadn't bothered to rack.

I grunted a response, waiting for my legs to feel normal again before attempting to stand up. Running on the treadmill probably wasn't in the cards tonight. I'd hit the bag instead.

"Something told me I'd find you here." The bag Andrew had been holding appeared on the bench beside me. "I brought you the usual since you didn't answer me. I'd eat the fries before they get soggy."

The smell of fried food hit me square in the face. My stomach rumbled in approval. What I would give to stuff myself with a burger and fries. But if I had learned anything over the last few days, it was that my self-control was dwindling. I had been giving into temptation in all aspects of my life. That needed to change.

"Thanks," I muttered. I couldn't even look at the bag beside me.

Andrew stood there, leading against a squat rack. "How long have you been in here?"

I rubbed the sweat off my forehead with the back of my hand. "A while."

Like all fucking day.

I had been at the gym since 6:45 that morning, working on Whitmore's hellish cardio. Each day of the week had its focus. If it were any other day, I would have been working on arms and back. Instead, it turned into a cluster-fuck of everything—legs, back, shoulders, arms. Dante thought I was absolutely fucked. He wasn't too far off. I was going to be in a world of hurt. But that's what I had been hoping for.

I hadn't stopped—which, come to think of it, was probably why my legs felt like overcooked spaghetti noodles. There were no breaks unless I was spotting for Dante or some other guys around the gym. But the weight room had been my sanctuary. When I was there, nothing else existed.

Andrew examined me, bronze eyes raking over me from head to toe. I cleared my throat, trying to act as if the conversation I had with my mother never happened. "I need to get some sparing in. Suit up?" I asked, placing my hands on my knees and pushing myself to stand.

"Yeah, no," Andrew said, a heavy hand landing on my shoulder. "You're not doing anything else tonight. Sit your ass down."

The invitation might have been more well received if my legs didn't tremble. I couldn't fight it. As if on their own accord, my legs bent until I was sitting back on the bench.  

When I settled back onto the bench Andrew went to grab the discarded water bottle by the stereo. Popping up the cap, he shoved it under my nose. "Drink."

I did as I was told, tilting my head back and spraying a stream of water into my mouth. The water was warm and tasted stale after being in plastic all day. But I chugged it down only to sputter when it went down the wrong way.

As I was coughing my phone lit up next to me. It was a message from Cali. I ignored it, waiting for the screen to go black. When it did I bent over to place my water bottle on the floor.

Andrew was ready to interrogate me the moment I sat back. "Okay, what was that?"

"Sometimes when a person drinks too fast—"

"That's not what I mean and you know it." His arms snaked across his chest.

I rubbed at a sore spot in my palm. "I'm rethinking things."

"With Cali?" Andrew was tentative with his following question. "Did something happen?"

I scraped a hand across my stubbled chin. "Cali stayed over last night."

"Did you guys...?" He started, wincing as he jumped to his own conclusion. "Geez, it was that bad, huh?

"That's not why I'm rethinking things, you asshat," I said, pinching the bridge of my nose. Andrew had been around long enough to know that Vicky Carson was my first kiss, but also that I hadn't had sex with anyone until last night. That's what made this whole fucking thing worse. Cali was going to think I was an absolute tool.

Maybe that was for the best.

Andrew paced closer to me, his arms spread wide. "Then what's the fucking problem? You're meant to be grinning from ear to fucking ear, frolicking in a field somewhere."

"I'm the problem," I stated, standing from the bench and ignoring the slight wobble in my legs. "I'm delusional if I think Cali's going to want to stay with me once she knows everything. I'm living in a fucking fantasy land."

"That isn't going to be your whole life," Andrew said, trying to level with me. "You're almost done. You're a semester away. You can put all of this crap behind you. Take your mom, Cali, and Sadie, and leave."

You don't move on from your demons. You either destroy them or they consume you.

"It isn't possible," I muttered. "He'll never let me go."

"Then we get the fucking cops involved," Andrew argued as he shadowed me around the room.

"He'll find a way to destroy me, Drew. And if he can't hurt me, he'll hurt anyone and everyone else around me. I can't let Cali get mixed up in that. Hell, I don't even want you mixed up in it, but you're too stupid to leave."

"Hey now." Andrew held up his hands in defense. "Let's not stoop to insults." Humour was his ultimate weapon. There were very few times that he couldn't bring me out of a rut with his lame jokes and he knew that. But I was too far gone.

"I'm the idiot," I said, lifting weights back onto their respective racks. If Whitmore came in tomorrow and found this place a mess, he'd have my head on the trophy shelf in his office. "I knew there was no room for someone like Calista in my life, but I was too fucking selfish to let her pass by."

"You're not in the wrong for wanting to live a normal fucking life, man."

I grunted as I lifted another weight off the floor. "I would be in the wrong if I didn't let her live a normal life."

Andrew was quiet for a moment. "Are you not going to let Cali decide that for herself? Like you said, she's a smart woman. She can figure it out for herself."

Cali was more than capable of making her own decisions. I trusted her judgement more than I trusted my own. But this was one thing I couldn't put on her. There were two ways this situation could play out. She would discover the darkest parts of me and stay and have her life ruined or she would realize just how fucked up I am and leave me on her own accord.

I didn't know what would hurt more.

"I know she would," I admitted, finally turning to look at my best friend. "But I'm going to save her the trouble."

* * * * *

author's note:

Something tells me Lincoln is going to get himself into a bit of trouble...

Let me know what you're thinking so far. I cannot believe we only have 15 chapters left of this story. A reminder that readers who want early access to chapters can find them over on Ream.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend!