Calista

The winter break couldn't have come soon enough.

For the past week I had been running on fumes. Studying for finals had consumed my life and I was in much need of a break from everything that was in any way connected to university. Including my dorm room. Not even thirty minutes after I had finished my final exam, I had my bags loaded in the back of Harper's hatchback. 

In many ways, I was running and I knew it. I was running from nursing and all the confusion I was facing regarding my major, and I was running from Lincoln. I was ashamed to admit it, but the things Claudio had said to me that night outside of the dorm building scared me. The last thing I wanted was to be the reason why Lincoln got himself into trouble—or worse. 

I used studying as an excuse to gain some distance. Whenever Lincoln asked me to meet to go over material I would text him back and tell him I couldn't. Instead I would send recordings he could listen to. I spent more time making the recordings than I would have if I would have just gone over to study with him. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

I'm sure Lincoln knew something was up. His messages became more sparse as the days went on. The last time he had reached out was to let me know he had passed his anatomy exam. I had messaged him back, letting him know how proud I was. Then we reverted back to radio silence.

The few days leading up to Christmas were the same as they had been in the years prior. The house carried the nauseating scent of gingerbread candles, Dad had roped me into covering every inch of the house in white, twinkle lights, and Mom and I were continuing our tradition of making shortbread cookies to hand out to friends and family. Everything was how it usually was. But somehow, I couldn't help but shake the feeling that everything was different.

"How's your last year been going, sweetheart? Excited for graduation?" Mom asked as she rolled out a sheet of cookie dough.

Baking shortbread was one of my favourite holiday traditions. I would sit and pick at any pieces that didn't make it onto the baking sheet. By the time the cookies would finish baking, I couldn't even stomach the thought of eating any more.

"I guess," I said, sifting through the cookie cutters. I picked up an outline of Santa, wondering how much my artistic abilities could have improved from last year. "If I'm being honest, it doesn't even feel real yet."

"That's understandable," she nodded, her cheeks rosy from the warm temperature of the kitchen. "Have you heard anything back from your professor regarding that letter of recommendation?"

"I have."

Hamilton had sent me an email earlier that morning, letting me know how impressed he was with Lincoln's progress in the course. He assured me that the letter would be granted and I could retrieve it once I had returned to campus after the winter break. In theory, I should have been elated to have managed to receive a letter of recommendation from Professor Hamilton. He was the golden ticket to getting into the program of my dreams. So tell me why I was anything but happy.

Her eye crinkled in the corners. "That's wonderful, you're all set to apply for your master program now."

"Yeah," I muttered. "I suppose I am."

She glanced away from the flour coated counter. The care-free smile I flashed her did nothing to ease her suspicion. "You don't sound too excited about that."

"I am," I drawled. "Like I said, it doesn't feel real yet."

Mom returned her attention back to the rolling pin. She knew me well enough to know I was holding back, but she didn't push the issue. "Have you decided on a cookie design yet?"

I twisted the Santa-shaped cookie cutter between my fingers again, the silver edges gleaming under the kitchen lights. "I kind of wanted to give this one a shot this year, but I don't know how well they're going to turn out."

"You won't know until you try," my mother reminded me.

"Wouldn't the safer choice be going with something we know?"

"It probably would be," she replied. "But where's the fun in that?"

Clanking emitted throughout the room as I sifted through the small box of baking items. "I just don't want these cookies to look like Willow was the one who decorated them."

"I'm sure if that were the case, Henry would appreciate them that much more."

I returned her soft smile. "Yeah, you're probably right."

Henry loved my cat, Willow. Every time he came to visit he would often disappear and could be found napping on my father's favourite armchair in the living room with Willow curled up on his lap. It was almost like their own little tradition.

"How's work been going for you?" I asked as I pulled out a candy cane shape. It was a much safer option.

"Oh, you know. Same old, same old." She placed the rolling pin down on the counter, dusting off her hands. "We threw a quaint gender reveal for Rose in the office last week. It was nice to have everyone in the staffroom together for something other than lunch, you know?"

"Do you ever get bored of it?" My breath hitched, unsure if I wanted an answer.

My mother tilted her head as she brought some of the dirty mixing bowls and utensils over to the sink. "Sometimes, but I think that's something that just happens after you've been working in the same company for as long as I have."

"Do you ever wish that you would have gotten into nursing like you had planned instead of having an office job?"

"I've thought about it, sure."

I leaned into my palm, elbow resting on the counter. "Do you regret not trying something else?"

"Where is all of this coming from?" My mother's airy laugh filled the kitchen. "Should I have tried something else?"

"No... I just—I was just curious."

"I still can, you know," she said with a cunning eye. "I'm not some old hag banished to working in a corporate office all of her life. I enjoy what I do, and the people I work with. That's why I continue to work there—not because I'm tethered to my office chair by some invisible ball and chain."

"You do?"

She dried her hands, placing the dish rag on the edge of the sink, before coming to stand across from me. "When you were younger, your father and I had a discussion about me going back to school to get my bachelors in nursing."

"You did?"

Her eyes sparkled as she nodded at me. "We did. It was around the time you were starting high school. Your father and I were much more stable financially and you were gaining more independence. I was seriously considering going to college part time and achieving the goal I had from all those years ago."

"But you didn't?" I asked. My mom shook her head with a smile. "Why?"

She leaned forward on the counter, hands folded together in front of her. "Things had changed. My priorities changed. I was content with the little life your father and I had managed to build together."

"But you have always wanted to be a nurse."

"I wanted to be a good mother to you that much more." She reached out, drawing my hand into hers. "Taking classes while working part time would have sucked everything out of me. Time. Energy. The truth of the matter is, I could go to college at any time. But I wouldn't have gotten those years back with you while I still had you here."

Guilt struck me in the chest. "You could have gone."

She shook her head, chestnut strands dancing. "I don't regret a single choice I have made so far in my life. Once upon a time I wanted to be a nurse, but that changed when I became a mom. I'm not the same person I was before I had you."

"I think I might not be the same person either," I uttered.

Her hand tightened around mine. "Which is absolutely okay."

"Is it though?"

"Of course it is, sweetheart. As long as you're happy, that's all that matters." The blue of her eyes shifted a shade as she regarded me. "What's this all about?"

The moisture in my mouth dissipated. "I'm thinking of pursuing a different career path."

"Really? In what?"

"Education."

"Oh, hun, that's wonderful." She swung around the peninsula to engulf me in a hug.

"You're not upset?" I said into her hair. The scent of her floral perfume washed over me.

"Upset?" With a palm on each of my shoulders she pushed me away, just far enough to study my face. "Why on earth would I be upset?" Before I could respond she sucked me back in. "I'll never be anything but proud of you."

"Thanks, Mom," I said with a wavering voice. "I love you."

"I love you more." She gave one final squeeze before releasing me. "Never doubt yourself. You're an intelligent, wonderful human being. Trust your instincts. They'll rarely steer you wrong."

"Well, if that's the case," I started, turning towards the counter and plucking a cookie cutter up to show her. "Let's start making these Santa cookies, shall we?"

* * * * *

author's note:

Sorry for the long wait. Thank you for everyone who sent me well wishes and kind words. It was very much appreciated. I am feeling a bit better. I'm honestly just glad to get another chapter out to you guys.

Only 5 more chapters to go (not including the epilogue)!

Love you lots x