Naina

Sometimes we cannot express in words the anguish we have within ourselves, whereas sometimes words to express the turmoils within us flow through us so effortlessly that even a whole lifetime is not enough for us to express them.

But sometimes, words are trapped inside us in such manner that it renders us speechless, not allowing us to express ourselves, no matter how much we want to.

Those trapped words then start forming a storm inside us, neither letting us live peacefully nor laugh freely.

The same storm is currently brewing inside me.

My brother, Captain Naveen Singh Ahluwalia, was arrested on a charge of treason and shot dead during his transfer to the prison after his trial.

Since his death, mine and my parents' lives and our words have stopped.

All our happiness is lost, and we now only have a relationship with sadness.

Our life was different before Naveen's arrest.

During those days, my lips only had a smile, never touching any sadness.

During those days, our house only had laughter ringing through it, and we used to chase away all the quietness ourselves.

But now we only have a relationship with tears and quietness.

Everything has changed after Naveen's death.

Maa, Papa, and I have forgotten to smile.

Sometimes I feel like we have even forgotten to live.

It has been a month since Naveen's death--a month since he was shot dead in an encounter when he was being transferred to Delhi prison.

My parents and I have been denying each allegation about Naveen being a traitor ever since we found out about his arrest.

We know he loved this nation. So much so that he was ready to even die for it, which is why he joined the army in the first place.

In the initial days after Naveen's death, Papa and I used to go to meet the lawyers, asking them if we could reopen his case file and prove him innocent.

Even though Naveen was already dead, we felt it would at least give him some peace if his name got cleared.

But we got the same reply each time. The evidence against my brother was so watertight that proving him innocent was next to impossible.

A group of lawyers gave us tiny hope, but we squashed it when we heard what they wanted in return.

My hand shakes, and tears pour out of my eyes, a drop falling on the diary's page as I recall that humiliating moment.

Taking a deep breath and steadying my hand, I continue reading my diary.

Papa and I were in the lawyers' chamber, and there were around five lawyers in the room. They all responded positively about Naveen's case and his name being cleared.

That was the first time someone said it was possible to clear Naveen's name.

"But we are expensive. Are you sure you will be able to pay us?" one lawyer asked, and Papa immediately nodded.

"Of course, we will pay you any money you want. I will even sell my house if need be. All I want is for my son's name to be cleared. Please." Papa folded his hands in front of those lawyers.

I teared up and felt a pinch in my heart as I heard Papa's heartfelt request. I can understand how hard it must be for him. To listen to every day about his son being a traitor.

"I am not talking about money, Mr. Sudhir Ahluwalia," the lawyer said to Papa, and we both frowned.

"What do you mean?" Papa asked the man.

"Since this is a sensitive case, we know how desperate you are to prove your son's innocence. We can have that happen," the lawyer started answering. "After all, Naveen Singh Ahluwalia is dead now. So, he cannot do any harm even if we reverse his name from being a traitor to a martyr.

"But for that, you will have to make many people happy. The army officers, who can change the evidence, and us, who can present that altered evidence in the court and prove Naveen innocent.

"Money makes us happy, and we will also take that from you. But for this particular case, we will also need something else along with the money," he finished speaking and looked suggestively at me.

I felt my cheeks go warm with embarrassment and anger as I understood what that man was trying to say.

Even Papa understood it, which is why he immediately stood up.

"How dare you even think that? Have you all no shame?" Papa glared at everyone present in the room.

I, too, stood up, my whole body going warm as I felt all their eyes on me.

"Come on, Mr. Ahluwalia. You should not be the one talking about shame or reputation. Your son destroyed every ounce of your family's honor when he tried to sell off this country's security to the terrorists.

"Anyway, the price to whitewash that traitor's name should be paid by his sister, don't you think? Besides, I don't think you should have any problem with that. I guess if Naveen were alive, he would not have minded selling his sister. After all, a man who can sell off his country can definitely-" the man was saying, but Papa interrupted him.

"ENOUGH," Papa shouted, unable to take it any longer.

"Let's go, Papa. We don't need their help," I held his hand and walked out of the room.

I felt every fiber of my being drenched in the humiliation of their vile words, and I shook as I recalled how they had no qualms about saying my brother would sell me in return for his innocence.

How can people be so cruel? Don't they have families? Don't they have sisters or daughters? Don't they know how a girl and her family would feel when someone talks that way about them?

That was the last time when Papa and I went to meet the lawyers together.

After that incident, Papa used to go alone, but even he stopped going after a few days.

He understood there was no way to prove Naveen's innocence anymore.

When he said that same thing to Maa and me, we were saddened more than we already were.

We were sad not because we would have to live with the stigma of being a traitor's family. More than that, we were pained by the thought that Naveen would not find peace even after his death because we, as his family, could not clear his name.

Closing the diary, I keep it on the bedside table.

That was my diary entry four years back.

Being a law student then, I had just finished the first year of my degree when we got the news of Naveen being arrested on suspicion of being a traitor.

I was home for my mid-semester break when Papa received that call. He was on the call for about five minutes, and in that five minutes, our lives completely changed.

All our relatives broke ties with us as soon as they found out about Naveen's arrest.

The society members who used to respect our family also started taunting us.

Those taunts surely hurt. But what was unbearable was the way the boys started teasing me.

I can still hear the humiliating words they threw at me every time they saw me at the market just outside society.

"Your brother tried to destroy the honor of our country. That is why we will also destroy the honor of his sister."

"Girls like you do not have any reputation. Your brother had tried to sell our country. You, too, should have your price. Tell us the price for your body."

"Come with us today. You will also remember that we gave you the privilege of spending the night with us even after knowing you are a traitor's sister. And if you make us happy, we will give you the price you ask."

"Wow! You are looking too hot today. Do not walk like this. If our intention slipped, we will carry you and take you with us."

"You are a traitor's sister. You do not have any respect or honor in our eyes."

I take a deep breath to lessen the painful clenching of my heart as I recount those moments.

We were still fighting then, telling everyone that Naveen was innocent and it would be proven soon.

The army only notified us that the court case was continuing.

We, of course, could not attend the hearing because it was an army case, and civilians were not allowed to attend.

Then one day, we got a call to be notified of the verdict. Their verdict was that Naveen was indeed a traitor.

That was the darkest day of our lives because the tiny hope we had about Naveen being proven innocent was destroyed and we were left with only despair on our hands.

We were allowed to talk with Naveen once and visit him once before he was transferred to Delhi prison.

When I heard his voice on the phone, I sobbed at how broken he sounded.

"Please, Naina, remember your brother was not a traitor. No matter what others say, I am a soldier who loves his country. Even now, I am ready to die for my country."

He had said that to me, and although I never doubted him, it solidified my belief that my brother was innocent.

I pleaded with him to let me visit him, but he denied it and said he only wanted to meet Maa and Papa.

He was my big brother, after all. Even in his worst moments, he was protecting his little sister. He did not want me to see the cruelties done to him inside the prison by the officers.

If only I had known that was the last time I was talking with him. If only I had known he would be dead in a few days. I would have fought tooth and nail to meet him one last time.

But I did not know. That is why I could never get the chance to bid goodbye to my brother. I never got the opportunity to see him one last time.

Everything changed for the worst for us after Naveen's death--emotionally, financially, and socially--that we had no choice but to sell our house and relocate here to Nainital, where people did not know about us being related to Naveen.

It wasn't easy, but I tried to move on and complete my degree because it was Naveen's dream to see me become a lawyer.

I then practiced law for a year, but no matter how much I tried, I could never forget the injustice done to my brother.

Finally, after a year of uncertainty, I decided to prove Naveen's innocence. What kind of lawyer would I be if I could not fight for my own brother's justice?

That is why I will soon be joining Kanchanjunga Military Academy (KMA).

The army did not reveal any details about Naveen's arrest, so I do not know why they suspected Naveen and from where he was arrested.

But I do know one thing. Naveen had told us about being posted in KMA when he came home for his holidays one last time before his arrest.

That is why I feel I can get at least some clue regarding his case if I went to that academy as a cadet to train to become an army officer.

I have already gotten the acceptance letter from KMA and have discussed it with my parents too. They were initially reluctant, but seeing how adamant I was, they finally agreed to let me go.

"I promise I will prove your innocence, Naveen, even if it is the last thing I will ever do in my life," I vow, my eyes tearing up as my brother's smiling face flashes in my mind.