FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! Why?! Why can't I just be normal?! Why do I have to be stuck with these thoughts?! Why is it so hard for me to stay clean and not relapse, why am I so addicted to cutting and hurting myself?! I just wish I didn't need these kind of things to make myself feel better. The sad thing is that both my parents found out so now I'm not allowed to where my jacket at home since the first place I started cutting was on my wrists to all the way up my arms but now I can tell them I've stopped and instead cut my thighs and the fact that I feel happy that I can continue and not have them find out scares me. I just don't want to stop, and yes, of course I know it's not good, healthy or safe to do this to myself but it makes me feel better and now that I'm trying to stop again the urge to relapse and start up again is really strong, I could be sitting there with my friends, smiling and laughing and still have the urge to cut because it feels like so long ago since I've cut when in reality it's only been maybe a couple days. My parents threw out all my 'tools' so I got more, the blades from pencil sharpeners, box cutters or a simple knife from the kitchen.....they make it to easy. I can't even look at a sharpener without trying to judge how good it would cut my skin apart. Is there just something completely wrong with me? I don't even know what to do anymore, I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling to anyone so that they could understand when I don't understand it myself. I'm a murderer, I killed the girl I used to be, the girl with a genuine smile, the girl who could look at herself in the mirror and not be disgusted with herself, now all that's left is the new me, the one who's smiles are rarely real and the one who can't look at herself in the mirror without seeing all my flaws and then wanting to break down crying. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever feel good about myself, I worry that if I can't be happy with myself then no one else will ever be happy with me and that just makes my urges to self harm stronger, I scare myself sometimes and I don't want to ask for help because i feel like I'm being a bother even when others say they don't mind....I just don't know anymore.....