Lady: now some words from Anika Mathur, the author of First Love. 

I went up to the stage, thanking the lady then turned to the audience. Today was such a big day for me as I was releasing the most special book in my career. 

Me: First Love is my story, in that book I have poured out all my emotions, all my feelings and all the lessons I have learnt and I think the important lesson I learnt is that it's okay to grieve, it's okay to feel down but you should try to bring yourself up.

I saw my husband Sid and my 15 year old Rani in the audience smiling at me, I smiled back at them and continued to speak: in my book I have changed some of the names. I have kept my name in the book but I have changed the man's name, I am not going to reveal his name but in the book, it is Ansh. In this book, it's all about heartbreak and self discovery, it's how I discovered myself and my talent for writing after receiving the biggest shock in my life. I really hope you will all enjoy the book, thank you.

With that said, I left the stage with everyone clapping then proceeded for signing the books. After signing every book from every fan, it was time to go home.

Sid: couldn't be more proud of you Anika.

I smiled as I pecked his cheek. Rani came to hug me, her kanji eyes glowing bright and said: congratulations mum! You are truly amazing!

Me: my Rani is more amazing.

And that she was! My baby girl Rani was amazing...she was already a popular writer on a site called Wattpad and she was also a successful YouTuber at her age. 

We all went in the car and Sid started to drive.

Sid: so what is the baby wanting today?

Yes I was pregnant. 15 years after Rani, I was once again pregnant. My hands caressed my 8 months stomach. The baby was giving me soft kicks as I said: today baby is wanting Sindhi Sai Bhaji from White Charcoal Fine Dine.

Sid: okay, let's go to there then.

Rani: I don't like the food there but just for you mum, I will eat there and also for my sister.

Me: it could be a boy.

Sid: I want a little boy, our house is already full of dresses and makeup and what not. If it's a girl, I don't mind.

Me: it is a boy and that's final.

Rani: it's a girl and that is final! 

Me: okay baba it's a girl.

Rani: good!

I smiled and as the car was moving, I leaned against the window, my hands still on my stomach.

You may be wondering that Anika, why did you choose writing as your profession? Anika, why are you having a late pregnancy? Well first of, I love writing and second, I am 34 so it's not really late I guess. You also may be wondering Anika who was the man in your book?

Well let me tell you.

It was a man called Shivay Singh Oberoi a.k.a Ansh. 

He didn't hurt me...well it's complicated. Let's me tell you the story 16 years ago. 

University of Cambridge....one of the first famous and hard to get in universities in the world. It is located in Cambridge, England. I was an 18 year old bright-eyed girl from New Delhi, India who studied damn hard to study abroad. My high school was offering a full scholarship with this university as of the association with the University of Cambridge. It was so competitive. I needed the scholarship since studying aboard was expensive and everyone else needed it for the same reason and the school were only choosing 5 people with top marks.

But I did it! I was one of the 5 people with top marks and now I was in England, so beautiful and cold...but still a dream come true and now I was studying architecture. 

 I didn't focus on boys or parties or clubbing, I only focused on studies but one day it was Tia's birthday and....

Tia: come on Anika! You need to let loose for just one night! 

Ragini: exactly Anika! One night won't affect your studies!

Nancy: Anika, please one night.

Tia: it's my birthday Anika!

Tia, Ragini and Nancy...my friends and roommates. Tia was a UK-born Indian, Ragini was my childhood friend, she is in UK because her parents are rich enough to send her abroad and Nancy was simply British but she looked Indian. We all get along but these girls always want me to go out with them. 

I was trying to study fundamental principles of structural design and these lovelies weren't letting me to study at all. 

After them endlessly knocking at my door and pleading,  I opened it and said: give me a dress to wear.

They squealed in joy. I only agreed to go because I was getting a pounding headache from their knocks and pleads. 

Tia gave me a black glittery dress to wear and Nancy was curling my hair whilst Ragini did my makeup. Within minutes, they showed me the mirror and I couldn't believe that the girl in the mirror was me. It couldn't be me...I never wear makeup, my hair is always straight and I don't wear dresses.

But that girl in the mirror was me. Those girls actually did a good job. Once they were done changing and getting ready, we all left our accommodation to go somewhere. I had no idea where they were taking me. 

A club and that club added to my headache because of all the loud music and bright lights. I had no idea how on earth those three girls loved clubbing but I knew from that moment that I was never ever EVER clubbing again. 

I had kept myself in a small area where there was no bright lights and the music was just muffles. A man looked at me and I looked at him and those blue eyes...my heart beating fast and I didn't even know why. He went up to me and said: you good?

I nodded with a small smile. 

Man: you just seem so lonely.

Me: yeah well just staying away from the lights and noise.

Man: if you hate the lights and music, why did you come?

Me: it's my friend's birthday today so my friends made me come.

Man: happy birthday to your friend...what's your name?

Me: it's Anika.

Man: well happy birthday to your friend Anika, I'm Shivay.

Me: nice to meet you Shivay.

Shivay: you too. 

I smiled at him and he smiled back. 

It was a brief meeting as his friends brought him to the dance floor and my friends took me out of the club to go to a restaurant. I thought I'd never see him again.

But life is weird isn't it?

I had social media so a couple of days later, I was done studying, well wasn't done but I took a small break so I scrolled through Instagram when I got a request. I checked it to see that some guy named Shivay Singh Oberoi wanted to follow me. I checked his profile, it was public and noticed that it was the same man I spoke to in the club so I accepted his request and followed him back then texted him.

Me: how did you find me?

Shivay: couldn't stop thinking of you so tried to find you on social media. Soon found your profile with your face in it :)

Me: were you really thinking of me?

Shivay: yeah...do you want to go on a date? I know I am being too quick but I seriously can't stop thinking.

I had never been on a date before and I didn't know if I wanted to go on one but I found my hands typing: sure :)

He sent a smile back. I know I met him once but to be very honest, this was the first guy taking an interest in me because all the guys at uni see me as boring!

He sent a café location and we were meeting on the coming Saturday. I couldn't wait! But I was also nervous so I went to Ragini's room and asked: Ragini, I need advice.

Ragini: yes I think waxing is better than threading! 

I rolled my eyes at that girl then said: it's not about threading and waxing though threading is better.

This time she rolled her eyes at me.

Me: it's about dating.

Ragini: OMG A GUY WANTS TO GO ON A DATE WITH YOU?! OF COURSE I WILL HELP YOU!

Didn't think she would be this excited but she was. She got Tia and Nancy to help out with dating advice. All they told me was to be calm, smile and take interest in what he says.

It was soon Saturday, it was cold so I wore a designer cream coloured jumper my mum sent me and blue denim jeans. I looked at my now straight hair and called Nancy.

Nancy: yes Anika?

Me: should I curl my hair?

Nancy: yeah you should, I'll do it for you.

And that she did. I took a taxi and told the driver the location of the café. He dropped me off and I found myself at a café table waiting for Shivay.

It had been 10 minutes, I came at the time he told me to come at so where was he? After 10 more minutes, I was thinking to leave when he finally came.

Shivay: I am so sorry that I am late.

He said as he sat at the chair opposite me.

Me: how come you were late?

Shivay: the part of Cambridge where I live at has bad traffic so I was in traffic.

Me: makes sense, at least you came.

Shivay: I would never stand up a cute girl like you.

He winked at me and I blushed. My thoughts were scattered, I was so filled with nervous anticipation, so excited, even giddy. I tried to hide my nervousness from Shivay.

Shivay: so what do you do?

Me: I am a uni student.

Shivay: really? What are you studying?

Me: architecture. What do you do?

Shivay: I am doing an internship at this company. 

I smiled as we ordered our food and talked. That day I learnt a lot about him, he was an intern at age 21. He is hoping to be a business manager one day and he is from India like me but he came to the country at 6. 

He was simply amazing and when I came back to my accomdation, I was blushing like mad.

The next few days were full of text messages and too many not so sanskari thoughts. I even found myself daydreaming about him in lectures. 

We started texting in my lectures and went on a few more dates.

During one of my lectures, he texted me asking if I wanted to go to the movies with him. Of course I agreed.

On our first movie date, I offered to buy the snacks but he said that he would. After buying the snacks, we sat next to each other in the movie theater, exchanging glances and smiles then the movie started.

We sat, engrossed, barely noticing the popcorn that failed to make it to our slack mouths. When the screen fell to black my body would become rigid and my hand flailed for Shivay. Silences never lasted long at the movies, merely tools to heighten the drama, ploys of stylistic effect – depriving the senses of light and sound for just long enough to peak fear. The next moment was maximum intensity: loud, bright, fast, shocking.

Shivay: that movie was something.

He said as we exited the cinema and went in his car. I giggled saying: it really was.

Shivay: but it was nice watching a movie with you.

I looked at him with a smile. He stopped me and said: you got some popcorn kernal on your lip.

I was embarrassed but he kept his thumb on my lips and before I knew it, my lips were in his. 

The lip was soft and perfect. It was only a few dates and we were already kissing. But who cares? I really liked him. 

After we broke the kiss, Shivay spoke: I want to continue going on dates with you. 

Me: same here.

It was that night, I got a boyfriend. When he drove to my accommodation, I was about to leave when he pulled me in for another kiss.

From that night on, I was off the single market and every date from then now was special. 

Some dates were movie nights. They were great.

Some dates were restaurant dates.

Soon I introduced my boyfriend to my friends and they were so happy to meet him and to know that I was dating. 

My parents didn't know yet and I was thinking to tell them maybe after I graduated. They didn't want me to have a boyfriend. 

Every kiss was special and one day, he took me on a long drive. Soon we were at the countryside. He took me off my seat and kept me on his laps. Shivay placed his arms around me and I leaned closer to him. The softness and gentle touch of his arm against my neck made my back tingle. We sat on the seat on the car with the sunroof open looking at all the stars and trying to find constellations. We didn't speak because in our own way, we were already communicating.

On my 19th birthday, he came to my place and we were just having a night in dancing, drinking and kissing of course. On his birthday, I went to his place and we did the same thing. 

A year later, in December, my friends were out so Shivay came to my place. We were on the bed, watching a movie. It was all PG until I said: should we be having sex by now?

Shivay: I don't know...I have never been in a relationship till now. Why do you want it?

Me: I don't know...I am really in love with you and I think I am ready but are you?

I really was ready. 

Shivay: same here. 

The movie stopped and we did it for the first time. He kept me on his laps and started to kiss me as if our lives depended on it. In that kiss, I took his shirt off and he unhooked my romper. 

His hands were in my hair, clothes on the floor, we were still kissing, my arms around his neck. I was still on his laps. He kept me down on the bed and went on top of me, breaking the kiss to leave marks on my neck and collarbone. 

Shivay's finger tips are electric, they must be, for wherever they touch my skin tingles in a frenzy of static. As his hands move over my skin my body has a transitory paralysis, my mind unable to process the pleasure so fast. His head moves around to my left ear and he whispers what's coming next. Suddenly my body is off pause-mode and I pull back for a kiss that's both soft and hard. Both of us move in an intoxicated dance of limbs, never making the exact same moves twice. He's my cat-nip, I'm his whiskey on ice.

That night we became one, one mind with one goal and purpose, each utterly drunk with love for the other.

I was supposed to take a morning after pill but couldn't since I was late for my lecture and was rushing around everywhere that I didn't get the chance to purchase a pill.

And without protection, things can lead to.....

Me: Shivay I am pregnant.

I told him in mid-January. I was feeling sick earlier and different so just to be sure, I took a test and it was positive. I was expecting Shivay's baby.

I was at first scared to tell him but he smiled and hugged me tightly, saying: we'll raise the baby together. We are a team Anika and I am here for you forever!

I smiled at him and he was pampering me happily so. We decided to tell everyone including our parents in March together.

But we didn't get to....

And that was all because of Valentines Day.

Shivay was staying at my place for a few days and I was growing a little baby bump already.

When Valentines day came Shivay had so much planned. He woke up early and rolled out of bed, moving softly down the stairs to the kitchen. He moved about the kitchen with the kind of smile on his face that couldn't hide the love that warmed him from within. Twenty minutes later he had pancakes, raspberries and freshly squeezed juice on the side. By the time he got upstairs I was awake but just lazing in bed. He laid the tray gently on the side table and leaned in for a kiss, I felt tingles from his lips..

"Darling, I have breakfast. Happy Valentines!" 

 A warm grin spread over my face.

Me: you are the best.

Shivay: only for you and my baby.

Me: I love you.

Shivay: I love you too.

I sat up and he kept his hands on my one month stomach. 

Shivay: I can't wait to meet my little girl.

Me: it's going to be a boy.

Shivay: it's going to be a girl and her name will be Rani.

Me: Rani...I like it.

Shivay: same here because my daughter is going to be a queen.

He couldn't wait for the baby's delivery. 

Shivay: by the way Anika, I have more surprises coming for you.

Me: not too expensive.

He just winked at me. After breakfast, he had to go somewhere saying he would be back at 12pm.

It was 3pm, he didn't come back at 12. At first I thought he was just running late but by three hours?

I tried texting him a thousband times and soon I decided to call him....something I should have done earlier.

Voice: hello?

It didn't sound like Shivay's voice, my heart started to beat fast as I said: Shivay?

Voice: I am Nurse Lisa and I am sorry to say that Shivay Singh Oberoi is no more. 

I was shocked, my eyes widened in shock and my jaw opened. The walls started to feel like they were closing in as Lisa said: hello? Hello?

The phone slipped from my house and I found myself getting a taxi to hospital. I asked the receptionist for Shivay Singh Oberoi and she brought me to his ward where his body laid on the bed...his lifeless body...

He was covered in bandages, his eyes were jammed shut, I went close to him despite the medical staff trying to stop me but they couldn't. 

Me in a low voice: Shivay?

He didn't even stir.

Me: Rani's papa?

Nothing.

Me: you can't be dead, you can't leave me! DID YOU FORGET? YOU PROMISED ME FOREVER! YOU PROMISED ME THAT WE WOULD BE TOGETHER FOREVER AND EVER! YOU CAN'T DIE! I AM NOT GIVING BIRTH WITHOUT YOU BY MY SIDE! WE NEED TO SEND YOUR RANI TO SCHOOL TOGETHER! RANI NEEDS HER FATHER TO WALK HER DOWN THE AISLE! WAKE UP DAMN IT!

I shook him but nothing.

Me: WAKE UP SHIVAY! WAKE UP! LET ME SEE YOUR KANJI BLUE EYES! SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME! SPEAK TO ME! SPEAK TO ME! PLEASE I BEG! YOU ARE RIGHT IT IS A GIRL, WE WILL HAVE A GIRL, WAKE UP SO YOU CAN SEE YOUR DAUGHTER COME INTO THIS WORLD! WAKE UP! WAKE UP SHIVAY SINGH OBEROI!

I learnt that day that 22 year old Shivay Singh Oberoi died in a car accident, he died because of how severe his injuries were.....he was my first everything and my first everything was gone....gone to the angels. 

It took everything inside of me to not scream at his funeral. I just sat in my chair, the person talking was pitiful. I wanted to scream at the coffin, begging Shivay to wake up one more time. I met his parents that day and they were crying

They were heartbroken and so was I. 

I wanted to give up my pregnancy because what was the point of having Shivay's baby when he wouldn't be there for all those moments? But then I decided not to because it was the last symbol of our love. 

My parents and his parents and everyone else found out about my pregnancy and they were supportive. I dropped out of uni to take care of a baby and because I couldn't be in England anymore...not when Shivay died in that country. 

Labour was painful but after 25 hours, a baby girl was brought into this world and she was delivered by Sid....yes Sid. I met Sid on the day of my delivery and he was also Rani's doctor. The day Rani was born, I looked at her blue eyes and saw Shivay. 

I was thinking to do architecture again but instead of writing my uni application letter, I found myself writing a story...a story about a couple who met in a club and kicked off. My mum saw the story and sent it to a publisher. 

Since Sid was Rani's doctor, I met him a lot and 5 years later we fell in love. I didn't want to fall for him but a second chance is sometimes what we need.

Now for 9 years, I have been happily married to him but not a day goes by when Shivay doesn't cross my mind. He was my first and you can't forget your first. I told Rani who her father was and she wishes that she could have met him but she still sees Sid as her father. I learnt a lot of life lessons and I had to build myself up before dating Sid. I had to become strong.

We didn't have a kid for 9 years as Sid didn't want Rani to be jealous but Rani was the one who eventually told us to have a kid because she wanted a sibling so here I am, 8 months pregnant. 

Sid: we're here.

I smiled as he and Rani went out of the car and then Sid helped me out. As we approached to the restaurant, I felt something tricking down my leg.

Me: AHHH!!!!!!!

Before I knew it, I was rushed to hospital and now in a room, being told constantly to push. Sid was there and Rani was out. It had been too long since I last delivered a kid. The pain of labour was a prison for my mind. In that jail cell of fear and confusion the time passed without me being able to keep track. My stomach tightened, I heard my own scream without being aware of making it.

I soon heard a baby crying. I smiled though I was crying with tears of happiness. 

Sid: it's a boy.

I was about to speak but my hands trailed to my stomach, why did it still feel weird? It could just be baby fat right. Suddenly my mouth allowed a scream causing the medical team to focus on me again. 

Sid: Anika...remember that you love me a lot when I say that you need to push again.

Me: SID I AM GOING TO DESTROY YOU! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH ME AT ALL! AND....AHH!

After cursing and screaming for lord knows how long, another cry was heard.

Sid: it's a girl. 

Me breathless: twins? Sid, please check if there is another kid coming. 

Sid did that for me and said: no, just twins.

He kept the kids on my chest gently and I cried happily. He was crying with a smile too. I looked at my babies. The girl was beautiful and the little boy was adorable, when they opened their eyes, my new daughter had dark brown eyes like me but my son had blue eyes...kanji eyes.

After things were sorted and after I was moved to a new ward, Rani came and looked at her siblings.

Me: me and Sid decided to let you name them.

She smiled as she gently held her baby sister.

Rani: my sister will be called Gauri.

Me: such a beautiful name. 

She looked at her brother in Sid's arms.

Rani: my brother has blue eyes like me and dad...he will be called Shivay if that's okay.

Me and Sid smiled with tears in our eyes as we all had a family hug. I looked at my son. My Shivay was reborn again. 

This is an OS by me. Sorry if it was too long and boring. I am sorry for killing Shivay. Do you want a bonus where Rani and Anika go to England to see Shivay's grave?

I hope you all liked it :)