Tom felt sick again.
He's been feeling sick for a couple days now

Always felt sick when Tord was around
felt sick when he wasn't around
But that's because he drove him away.

It's what he wanted
But not how he wanted it to happen.

The cold wind of the night was seeping into him.

The air wrapping itself around him,pushing through his hair, squeezing around his neck.

The coldness of the night was suffocating.

You had warmth
And you didn't like it
You pushed it away
You asked for this.

He's not...
He never...

He doesn't...

He can't handle it.

All this time
He's done nothing but help Tord
He told him it was okay to be vulnerable
He told him he was worth so much more than he knew

And now he told him
To his face

That he's unstable.
That he's vulnerable
That he let his emotions loose so badly they were never together

Not for a moment
Not for a second
Not for a minute.

Not forever.

Right?

What had he done?

How do you build trust with someone and then Exploit their insecurity?

How

How do you do that?

The worst he's ever done to Tord was not know how to help him
Not have the ability to string the right words together to steer away negative emotions

But now he had just effortlessly sewn a scarf of words that created a warmth

Tom was always comforted by the feeling of warmth

And now
This comfort
This security he built with Tord
Was deceptive

It reminded him of negative emotions.

Now he hurt him

And even worse, he doesn't know how to help him.
He doesn't know how to help him

Words have been said
And he doesn't know how to erase them.

He's not...
He never...

He doesn't...

doesn't know what to do.

He can't do anything.

His mind felt like his backyard.

Empty
The residue of what used to be such a happy and good experience, gone, left all over the ground in lumps of unwanted trash.

What he could remember as once warm and full of life, joy, and curiosity,

Was dead.

The life was gone.

He sat there, in the grass, his hands covering his eyes completely, just wanting to be in the dark,

What is it like?
Being blind?

he didn't want to see the spot where Tord was once standing.

He didn't want to see him.

Everything Toms done for the last few days doesn't match what he's done since the first day.

It's, different.

Is this a joke?

Tom knew that feeling
He hoped he didn't pick up their habit.

Right now he didn't want to focus on his feelings. They made him feel sick, twisted, disgusted, like he could just vomit out every ounce of regret in his body

If he could reverse time, he probably wouldn't even be where he is right now.

But he couldn't

So he wouldn't focus on the painful aftermath of his choices

Or on how this could've been better

Because it can't be changed
It could just be helped.

He's being a baby, that's all.
He's just overreacting, Tord doesn't care about what he said.

He's just
Believing himself

Cause that's all he has.

Himself.

'It hurts to be alone like this, you know.

I'm so used to it.

That

I push you away

Because you take it away

The loneliness

And I'm scared.

I'm terrified

That I won't be so alone anymore

I don't know what it's like

To have someone like you

Everywhere with me

I don't know it

I'm scared of it

I'm scared of what could happen

And I'll say something

Do something .

And then loose you

But that's exactly what I did, right?

Hah.

I'm an idiot.

Just like they said.

Before they left me.'

Tom pushed away his thoughts
They weren't important
They weren't the issue now.

They didn't matter.

he focused on his surroundings.

Better to look at what's real, then worry about what's in your head.

Distract yourself.
You'll feel better.

Focus on your surroundings.

Strange how,
We can get so distracted by sights we see everyday

Only when it's convenient.

When we walk around, we don't do much to notice sticks on the ground, or flowers on the grass.

Or even the little seeds that people throw to feed birds.

We don't notice any of it

But right when we don't want to focus on something else

Something important

Something we're afraid of

We suddenly become aware of our environment.

Suddenly we think about the individual flowers in the rolling hills of grass, instead of the individual problems in our tumbling minds.

It's strange

To use something you never cared about
Suddenly.

It's strange

To hurt someone you always cared about
Suddenly.

You hurt them
To distract yourself
From the fact
That you never noticed on other days
The fact that
You cared about them.

Tom moved his hands from his eyes, trying to wipe away his tears.

It was a pathetic attempt, much like every other thing he's done today.

Trying to dry them away before the kids could notice, but it was far past late for that.

There are just some things you cannot hide from curious children.

He felt something scratchy brush over his face,
He looked onto his lonely hands, bandaids. He didn't remember putting bandaids on his cuts.

In fact, he couldn't remember ever wanting to put bandaids on his cuts.

The cuts he got from thinking of him.

He didn't remember trying to help himself

In fact, he didn't remember anyone else noticing his bad mood, besides Tord.

And that other girl.

Tom thought for a moment.

Perhaps it was Namki who put the bandaids on him? And the blanket?

No.
That didn't feel right.

It was probably
No
Tom sighed to himself

It was Tord

Tord caught and fixed his problem before Tom could

There are many times Tord helped Tom
Way back in the beginning.
When you, think about it

Tord was the first cry
But
He didn't mean for Tom to see that.

On that fateful day
Where he laid against the cold wall on his way to school

He didn't do that in front of Tom on purpose.

But

Think about it

Who really broke first?

Tom.

You can't pour water into a glass if you don't have any water.

Tom broke first
And Tord was there for him

He remembered it
He remembered how he held him from falling at the fence
How he met Tom childishly cling into his arm.
Just to hide himself.

He remembered it.

He remembered how strong his attachment was to him

That red eyed boy.

Who's unstable now?

Just like now

Tord tried to help him
Tried to make him feel better

Tom laughed at himself, pitiful.
"I'm an idiot." He mumbled quietly.

Tom felt tears soking his bandaids
Whether he liked it or not, Tord was gonna help him.

Whether he liked it or not, Tord was gonna talk to him

Whether he liked it or not, Tord was gonna trust him.

tom knew one thing for certain
He was going to apologize to Tord
Whether he liked it or not.

After all
He still wanted to

Keep his distance.

Soke for one of the few times in his life showed a deep concerned emotion, a sad little face looked into the troubled teen, trying to find out what's wrong.

He heard Tom mumble something, he couldn't quite catch it, but that wasn't his biggest issue right now.

He was never the type to really express himself. He was just too attached to Asha and Tom, along with Namki. And they already knew pretty much everything about him, there was nothing to talk about for him.

In the first few days of when he met Tord, there was a spark in his personality, him becoming very expressive and childish, normal, if you will, but after the days turned to weeks and he got to know Tord better, he stepped down multiple notches, just for the sake of letting his true colors show at good times.

for now, he'd let them show, but just for Tom, and only Tom.

When Tom finally looked up and noticed Soke, he smiled at him,

soke could see past it.

"I'm okay." Tom said, looking happier

Looking

Soke softened his expression, not believing a word.

Tom was always a horrible liar.

At least Tord could cover his emotions correctly.

Soke and Asha stepped out of the way for Tom to get up and walk back into the house

He ruffled Asha's hair upon walking in.

Asha's unheard call for her sibling still hanging on her lips.

Soke hugged his fairly tall sister, she didn't notice.

Barely audible to her, was his quiet voice.

"Happy Birthday."

Tord arrived home.

He felt empty

Not, in a bad way.

He felt, numb.
Empty
Yet so full.

Of what?
Full of what?

He's not entirely sure.

But it didn't matter to him.

He wasn't aware of anything

Everything seemed to look
Gray
Colors seemed dull to him
Like they weren't that important.

He felt a growing void in his gut.
He didn't pay attention to it.

He was standing at the door.

He just stood, and looked at the silent phone on the wall.

He didn't feel worried
Or upset
Or mad
Or happiness,
Or, anything, for that matter.

It reminded him of when he closed off Tom
When his emotions left out of anger for the situation

He felt that again
Closed off
And so
Very
Cold.

He walked into his room, looking into the mirror to the left of him. Staring back into it, was himself.

His eyes seemed lighter, not as red as before. He wondered if they had really changed or if it was just different to him.

So what if his sight was weird again?

He didn't care.
He couldn't feel anything.

He walked over to his crank lamp, cold and unlit. He didn't pay much attention to it due to his eyes darting to something on his cork board

The photo he placed on there

Don't forget.

Let go but don't forget.

Remember that, Tord?

When you let go

And you shut down.

Well

Now you shut down.

So
I guess
You have to

Tord blinked, the world looking a bit more vibrant than a second ago.

He sighed in a quiet voice

"Alright." He said, to no one in particular.

It wasn't a big deal
He didn't feel a certain way
He didn't want to hang on to this issue like he always did

When someone happened
And he just broke in fits of disorderly emotions

Now
Something happened
And
He was just
Nothing

And that's the way it needed to be
In the end, his emotions would truly be setbacks
So he focused on the end goal.

It wasn't a big deal.

So the three words slipped out his mouth

"I'll let go."

Tom woke up,

Though he wasn't sure if he slept at all.

Honestly, he felt awake, yet so very tired.
He felt ill.

He didn't like what he did.

He got out of bed, lazily, slumping to his feet and getting dressed for today

As the weather started to get colder, and he just pushed away someone connected with warmth, he had to dress in warmer things.

So he walked out his room with a dark dull blue knit sweater. He doesn't remember every having it, really, as for his black jeans, he's sure he's had them for ages.

He walked into the kitchen, taking out the loud and heavy pans to cook breakfast, after setting them down in the stove and turning on the flames, he walked out to the kids rooms to wake them up individually, leaving the stove to heat the pans up for him, and createu a warmth around the house that seemed to disappear last night.

He walked to sokes room, which was closest, opening the creaky door and walking inside.

He sat down gently on the side of the bed, almost in an ironic manner if not trying to disturb The sleeping child, but that wasn't functional.

He tapped a finger on Soke's nose, trying to lighten the mood for himself, but it didn't work, so he resulted to speaking.

"Soke." He started, in a low conversation voice.

"Get up, its time for school."

The little boy whined, but after a minute of rubbing his eyes and tugging the blanket, he got up to change.

Tom walked out and down the hall into Asha's room, where as soon as he opened the door, she walked out with her book bag on.

Tom let her pass, looking surprised but content. He closed the door and followed after her into the kitchen to start some conversation.

"How come your ready early ?" He asked her, mixing the batter in a bowl infront of her, where she put in pieces of a Banana she just opened.

"I'm a big girl now." She said, looking focused as she tossed in the last chunk. "I need to be more risponsibel." She added, mispronouncing the word due to never needing to say it.

Tom shook his head. "Your only 9."

"Almost 10." She added.

Tom put the bowl to the side and looked back up at her "in a year." He responded, giving a gentle but questioning smile.

"So?" Asha said, with a confused look in her face. "You graduate this year."

"Your gonna go to the bigger school for adults and some one has to be the new big kid in the house." She continues, looking down onto her untied shoe laces with a look of disappointment.

Tom bit his lip, feeling odd for the fact that a child of her age understands that much and is willing to take action .

He walked over , leaving the bowl of pancake mix behind him, and walking behind Asha. He took a comb out of the drawer next to him in the kitchen island.

"That's Nam's job." Tom said, reaching to his left, he rumaged for a bit, looking for something. "Besides." He added "don't rush trying to grow up. "

Asha pouted, She started to feel something like a comb go through her hair. She had forgotten to brush it and Tom happened to notice.

"What's so fun about being little?" She whined, looking down at her shoes.

"It's less complicated." Tom sighed, using a hair tie he also found in the drawer to put Asha's long brown hair into a contained ponytail.

After feeling him let go of her hair, Asha swung around in her seat, facing the now leaving Tom." I'm too little." She pouted again. "I can't do anything!" She claimed.

Tom gave a small laugh, Soke walking out of his room, came to join Asha at the table, seemingly more awake than a few minutes ago.

"I can't do anything either." Tom chuckled to himself.

Asha heard it, perking up and leaning in closer as if she wasn't sure she heard correctly. "What do you mean?" She asked "your Tom! You can do everything!"

The sizzling of the pancakes cooking seemed more apparent now, with the quiet humming of Tom. "Not quite." He replied, putting a pancake down on a plate.

Asha crossed her arms. "Name one thing you can't do."

Tom gave a fake hum, to distract himself from the on pouring list of things that he simply just didn't want to say.

"I forget." He said instead.

"The list grows longer and longer with each passing day." He sighed, pouring more batter into the pan.

Asha tilted her head at the strange arrangement of words as Tom passed a plate of pancakes to Soke.

"What does that mean?" She asked

Tom smiled to himself, finally plating another small stack of pancakes, he turned around to place the plate down infront of Asha.

"It means I suck at a lot of things." He said, tapping her nose lightly.

Asha patted away his hand and grabbed a nearby fork, still leaning forward as Tom turned off the stove after putting some pancakes in a bag.

"Can you at least name one thing?" She begged,   Nearing a bite of breakfast to her mouth, beginning to chew after she asked her question.

Tom sucked in a breath. And then pushing it out over a long minute, almost as if he was trying to not breathe, almost as if he thought he was a waste of oxygen.

He tossed a few berries in a small bag before sealing it and putting it in the lunch sack. He turned back around, leaving the sack on the kitchen island and going to the front door to get his shoes.

"You wanted me to name one thing?"  He restated, trying to earn more time.

Asha noticed that, and began to become impatient. "Yes." She said, a bit dramatically.

Tom finished slipping on his left shoe, which he didn't need to re tie since the laces always stayed intact. He walked over to Asha, standing at her left, and took the empty plate from infront of her into his hands.

"I can't drive." He said.

Asha smacked her forehead dramatically. "I forgot about that!" She exclaimed.

"Why don't you go to the driving school?" She asked, hopping off the stool and now looking at her laces, which she was reminded of by Tom.

After putting the dish in the sink, Tom walked over and bent down to Asha's feet to tie her shoes.

While creating the two iconic loops, he answered her , "I have a fear of the road."

Asha heard him lightly laugh after saying that, almost as if he was ashamed of himself

"Why?" She asked, as he finished up her right foot and moved to her left.

Tom shrugged. "It looks simple to you, but it's really hard."

"You have to be aware of everything and everyone, you can't go too fast or too slow. " he started, thinking of all the responsibilities of being at the wheel of a large vehicle.

"You can't get too close to other cars either, or else you'll get hurt." He added, this one hitting a little too close to home for him.

After securing the knot on Asha's shoe, Tom looked up to her and smiled.

"You don't need to untie them to take them off, I made them just loose enough that you can pull the shoe off your foot, okay?"

Asha nodded in understanding, and then walked over to the door.

Tom took soke's empty plate, then using a napkin to gently clean the side of The young boy's mouth.

After Tom put the second plate away, and took the sack from the table, he handed two more small bags of fruits to the kids.

"Namki bought more fruits than usual, so you can have some for lunch."

Soke happily took his, Asha did too, but she seemed a bit more distracted.

"Tommy."

Tom perked up at the name, he hadn't heard it in a while.

He looked down into Asha's vibrant pinkish red eyes.

"Yeah, Ashes?" He smiled back.

Tell him you love him, for me, won't you?

"I-" She started, already feeling her words stumble.

"I..."

She looked down, down to her perfectly tied shoelaces.

She looked back up.

"I want you to learn how to drive."

Tom's expression became surprised, he bent down to Asha's short height and tilted his head in question. "Why would you ask that?"

Asha had a more determined look now, opening her mouth. "For when your in the adult school."

"You can drive over to us on Sunday and saturdays." She added

"A-and then you can tie my shoelaces!" She stumbled over, knowing well enough this was not her main point

"And- I won't have to be a big kid anymore." She added, with a lot more sincerity then before.

Soke looked away from the conversation, it wasn't his.

He turned back around when he felt Tom's hand on his shoulder, and he saw his other hand on Asha's.

"Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere." He sighed, pulling them both in for a gentle hug.

Asha sunk into it relatively easily, while soke was a bit dazed, but once catching notice of the emotional weight of it, he seeped comfortably into Tom's arms much like his sister did.

Tom patted their backs as they separated and stood.

"But just Incase, " Tom started up. "I promise I'll learn how to drive. " he said, earning a smile from Asha and a interested look from soke.

"But only if you learn how to ride a bike." He added, pointing a finger and poking Asha in the nose.

Asha showed a look of remembrance. "Oh!" She exclaimed.

"I forgot about that!"

"Tord has to teach me!" She cheered, looking at her younger brother, soke, and smiling. The little baby blue eyes boy smiled in return.

Tom froze in his stance.

Ah, right.

Tord.

I told him to teach Asha .

I told him.

Tom opened the door for the two kids to head out, Asha grabbing soke by the hand, and soke just trying to hold on to his fruits.

The two hurried down the path of the house, as Tom locked the door, he turned around to look where the bus was parked, waiting for them.

Asha let soke hop on first, after making sure she got on a stable path to his seat inside, Asha places one foot on the steps, before turning around to look at her other brother.

Tom stood, looking back at her as a cold chilly breeze went by, the light grey scarf around his neck gently moving in the wind behind him.

Asha smiled.

"Tom?" She called

"I love you!"

Edd and Matt stood at the stop sign, Edd hugging himself for warmth and Matt trying to correctly tie his scarf around his neck.

Edd grew tired of Matt's sad fidgeting with every disappointed look he gave when he couldn't fix his scarf correctly.

The fifth time, Matt looked really troubled, so Edd stepped in to fix it for him.

"The rabbit jumps in the hole, not around it." Edd sighed, tucking the long piece of fabric safely.

Matt smiled. "I like rabbits."

"I know you do." Edd yawned.

"You like a lot of things."

Matt beamed even brighter, almost bright enough to warm up the wait. "Can I name all of the things I like to you?"

Edd closed his eyes in a childish impatience, feeling that he really shouldn't have spoken.

"You can name just one thing." He allowed

"One thing?" Matt restated. Feeling a sense of conflict rise up in him, he was indecisive, he could barely coming up with two things.

Edd nodded, knowing his request would keep Matt quiet for a while.

"One thing." He repeated.

Matt put his finger to his chin and began a light tapping pattern, with pondering hums mixed in.

Edd continues to hug himself in the chilly morning weather, and began to wish Matt's favorite thing was hugs.

For now, he could ask his favorite question
Or, his only question.

"Where are they?"

"Where is he?" Tom mumbled to himself, standing at the corner where Tord was usually standing.

He's been there for about five minutes, yet no sign of the Carmel hair or the red eyes came.

So he just stood there, an anxious feeling growing in his stomach and a decreasing sense of warmth in the bag that hung from his hand.

Another breeze went by, and Tom tucked his scarf in, only that it came loose once again after he moved his hands away.

He was confused for a second, before trying again, before gaining the same result, and no luck.

He groaned, and simply left his scarf untuck. It didn't matter. He liked cold weather anyways.

So he waited some more, standing in the corner.

A minute more and he began to really worry.

He took out his phone, To check the time, which, was pretty tight, he'd most definitely be a little late to school.

He opened up his private messages with Tord, which he ironically hasn't touched in a long time, considering how they usually spoke face to face.

-Tord-

Tom: Tord? Are you on your way?

Tom bit his lip, remembering how he hasn't exactly apologized yet and speaking as if they were in good terms was a bit strange, even uncomfortable.

Seriously, he needed to think before he spoke, or, in this case, typed.

Otherwise, he'd be starting more problems, as if he didn't make enough so far.

He decided to leave his message at that, not  wanting to continue this train of unusual casualty.

He put his phone away.

He would've liked to walk to Tords house by now, to go check on him, but he didn't know where Tord lived. He drove there once, with Namki, and he payed no attention to the the view out the window, and he didn't want to test his already poor memory.

So he just, waited some more.

And some more.

And a bit more.

He grew anxious with each passing second, Tord wasn't there.

Was it because of him?

Is Tord ignoring him?

Perhaps he walked to school a different way, and didn't tell him, as some way of, avoiding him.

Tom didn't mind if that was the case, he practically shoved him away yesterday, Tord is just giving him what he wants.

Distance.

But, maybe he was wrong.

Maybe Tord was hurt.

What if he's crying right now?
What if he's hurt?

And you don't know enough about him to go after him and comfort him.

Then again
You never tried knowing enough about him
You just helped him

You didn't want to know more, did you?

Does it hurt?

Tom anxiously looked down at his phone again, and, reluctantly, made the decision to walk to school alone, so he wouldn't be late.

There was nothing else he could do, anyways.

Timing? A little late, maybe.
Just make up an excuse, your good at that.
Better to lie about where you've been then to lie about how you feel.
Let go, remember?

Yes, this again.
It'll always happen again
One after another
Again and again

So he stepped out of the complex
A cold breeze hatching fierce adrenaline in him
Waking him up, as if he wasn't sharp eyed already.

He closed the door behind him, putting in the key and sealing everything inside.

His satchel was slung over his shoulder, with a notebook, pen, and one single drawing of a blue bird.

Cold hands gripped the straps of a red book bag, Almost as if he was paranoid he would lose it easily.

He wasn't paranoid though,
Not a bit.

So he walked down the street, preparing an excuse in his head, as he left his home feeling content with himself.

His bookbag packed, with all the things he always had. Journals, pencils,pens, tech work, papers and erasers.

Along with, one, usually not included item.
Amongst all the clutter of a high schooler
Like a wolf Among sheep,

A knife safely tucked away
Where no one would spot it.

The classroom was chatty.
A few conversations about what happened with the the group of girls came up

But were quickly washed away like unimportant pieces of sand in the waves of the ocean

Nobody cared enough anymore to try and keep attention to it.
There were other things that caught their interests much more.

But that's how highschool is, right?
You can only hold someone's attention for so long.

There were some differences this Monday, though. One being that a few other kids stayed home out of fear, still.

The ones here still felt slightly anxious, but relieved at the sight of police officers still wandering the school.

The investigation was conducted over the weekend, and well,

There was still, very much nothing.

The authorities were now starting to dive into the personal lives of the girls to see who would do such a crime.

But, it is unlikely Tord would Be found there

Unlikely, but not impossible.

So, the classroom was chatty

A lot of it was excitement for the Student Cafe, which, would come to play in the last month of school, Everyone dreamed of it, the snowy winters season as a refreshing send off into being a free adult.

Or, a free college student.
Take your pick.

But still, it lingered in everyone's minds, the thought of finally being free from school.

The day of their graduation would be the last day

A week or two after the student cafe, that would be. which of the two the students loved more? Couldn't be specified.

During all the excitement, Tom decided at this rate he would ask someone else to be his partner.

Tom listened to a lot of the chatter. Their teacher hadn't arrived, and he had no one else to talk to. Because well, Edd and Matt weren't in his class, and Tord,

Tord wasn't here.
He wasn't sure if he completely wanted him to be, either.

He didn't know, he was confused.

And so, in his confusion, he stayed quiet. And instead made himself feel more and more alone with each passing minute.

He was used to that, though.

So time and time went by, eventually the teacher arrived. And everyone silenced down into their seats, conversations closed,

All seats in the class occupied, except one.

Ms.Nezo, a sweet old lady, was full of mumbled and apologies for her tardiness.

"I'm sorry everyone." She said sheepishly, in her light gentle voice. "I haven't been able to keep up with myself lately." She added, sighing and shaking her head.

"But you all had a splendid time talking to your peers, yes?" She asked, smiling in all the shy nods  of students caught being anything but productive.

Of course, Ms.Nezo, being a sweet grandma to everyone, didn't mind conversation, as long as it wasn't during her class times. And, being old, did not want to have the usual grouchy attitude most staff members at the school did have.

Don't mistake this world for a fantasy where adults took every distressed high schooler in their hearts with open arms and home made food.

Tord is one of the lucky ones.

The rest get shut out.

The most expensive or impressive thing the highschool has at the moment are the police officers walking around, but even those are temporary.

No cameras, no security, no nothing.

That's why people like Jonas are given communicators, or in other words, radios.

People like Jonas, who are, talkative, very social, and very aware of their environment, are like walking security cameras for the school.

If they see anything suspicious, they can immediately notify all staff members with a matching radio.

Tom remembers seeing them walk around, those radio kids, as everyone calls them.

He'll be seeing them a lot more often, too, Me.Lacamore promised to teach Tom the bass and acoustic afterschool, and as most promises go, Tom would start learning this Wednesday, and the classes would be two days a week. Wednesday and Friday.

Tom was slightly anxious about that last bit though, so he planned on asking Mr.Lacamore to accommodate Tom on a different day.

Namki would have to send a trusted employee to pick up the kids, on those two days, and have them spend their time at her shop.

Then, when Toms classes finished, he could either go to Namki, and stay there for the duration of the day, or go home, and be alone.

All alone.

The class had gone back to gentle polite chatters, as their teacher marked names off the attendance, with that being so, Tom gave his mind permission to wander again.

She read down the list of names, everyone remaining quiet so that their names could be heard, Tom was lucky to get in this specific class, everyone seemed friendly for the most part.

So lovely old Ms.Nezo marked names off of kids who weren't present, one of them being from the poisoned group, another one being simply gone out of fear, Tom presumed.

He wasn't as worried as he usually would have been, mostly because of what Tord had said that time they were out on his front lawn.

It gave him hope, and some small sense of stability that things would be okay.

He kind of hated it.

Wasn't used to it.

He sighed again, pushing away his self centered thoughts. Seriously, he needed to spend his current free time thinking about how to apologize to Tord.

He was unpredictable. So you had to play your cards right

Tom was doing great so far, until he took and chance and sent out a bad one.

While Ms.Nezo's gentle voice continued to struggle over hard to pronounce names she'll never get correctly, Tom picked out a sheet of paper and a blue pen.

He just wanted to understand things a little better.

He started off the paper in gentle handwriting

Tord :

Tord hopped onto a bus, there just so happened to be one running at this time, and at this place, but it was not much of a surprise to him, he did his research beforehand.

I met him not to long ago
Though it seems like an eternity
I'm not sure if I like it
I know I did at once.
Once.
Once upon a time.

The bus was entirely empty, he was pleased to not find any other high schoolers or employees inside, total loneliness, for once, he liked it.

The bus was on a bumpy road, the floor of the bus was kind of slippery, and the seats were adorned in this weird, mixed color fabric that smelled of cigars and sweat. The chairs themselves being of a typic plasticy hard material. Tord sat comfortably in the back.

Tord doesn't live in fantasies.
More like the harsh reality
He should dream a little, really.
I wonder what he'd be like if he just did things for himself every once in a while.

He took out a journal, and began to write in red ink, personally, he liked using black better, but he was bored, and to entertain his current mindset, he went with red.

He had, and still has, a lot of problems
I saw some of them
I tried taking them off
But
It was hard
I think he clung on to them
Like it was all he knew
Like it was what he deserved.

He couldn't let go of all of them
But I hope I made him let go of most.

I wish I had done it a different way, though.
Now I'm confused.

Tord smiled pleasingly at his draft letter, before taking out a small piece of paper he's been saving for some time, and began to rewrite his draft with a sense of deception.

There are still a few problems of his I cannot see.

I don't know if I want to see them.

He stepped off the bus after two stops, just a bit into town, he walked down a block or two until he reached his desired destination.

With the ring of the bell at the door, a worker inside putting up packaged pastries looked over.

The tall high schooler approached her in the isles, she was at first startled by a seemingly threatening aura, but she got that from anyone, being the usual paranoid teen she was.

She relaxed when she recognized his face, though.

He's helped me too.
He took away problems I didn't know I had
They were small though
He hasn't seen the big one yet

Tord showed his phone to the girl with the brown messy hair in a shitty bun, there was something odd about her eyes but he didn't focus on it. Just focusing on what he needed.

She nodded at the photo and called a few words over her shoulder, where another worker responded just as loud.

I don't think anyone has, in fact
I'm not even sure if I have given it the right title, either.

After being directed towards the correct isle, Tord picked up what he needed and headed to the cash register, giving a fake smile and good act for his researched explanation for buying the product.

The cashier nodded in understanding, and gave their own recommendation.

I would tell you, but it wouldn't be wise of me to write that down on paper.

And with that, Tord left out of the store with another ring of the bell, item hidden in his bag, and hand up to catch a passing bus.

I'm worried about where he is right now
I feel like my words hit him too harshly
I don't know what he's feeling

And that scares me.

Tord was pleased with how well things were working out so far.

Do you think of me?
At all?
Am I a priority to you?

Maybe not.
This is not about me.

This is about

"Tord Larison?" The gentle voice called out.

"Larison?" She repeated

The quiet voices of the class paused, and then returned again once Ms.Nezo put her head down to mark Tord out.

Just as her pen touched the paper, the door opened.

"Sorry I'm late-" The common voice rushed out.

"Larison!" The lady chimed in happiness.

Without turning his back from her, Tord smiled, walking in the classroom and closing the door behind him. He gave a small wave over "Hello Ms.Nezo." He answered.

He put his two hands together, rubbing them against each other for warmth from the cold. "I'm sorry, " he started, blowing out a held breath. "I think I overslept, my alarm was off when I woke up."

The teacher waved her hand, signifying forgiveness and disinterest in his mistake. "It's alright."

Tom's eyes darted away from Tord, anxious, and only listening to his voice, from what he could tell so far, Tord seemed happy.

Seemed.

Tom knew the difference.

He felt his heart ache, immediately folding up the paper and carefully and subtly shoving it up his sleeve with his hand.

Tom perked up again when he heard Tords voice.

"Ms.Nezo," he started, questioning. He looked around for a second, before turning back to make polite eye contact. "Is it a free class?"

Ms.Nezo looked back to her sea of students, all either talking or completing work or small hobbies of their own, they were quiet, and well behaved.

"Might as well be." She giggled to herself.

"The heaters are broken, I'll let my lovely behaved first mod warm up for the day," she sighed to herself, closing her textbook next to her.

"I'm sure your other teachers won't." She added. 

Tord smiled, and thanked the gentle soul for, well, being a gentle soul.

"Is it alright if I go see a friend?" Tord asked, tilting his head over at what the teacher was doing, somewhat fake interest, a big mask to hide true intentions.

Tom had a small inner panic, he had wanting to apologize to Tord, and it seemed that his window of time was starting to close. He wanted to apologize quick and ASAP, otherwise the more time that would pass, the more hesitant he'd become.

"today will just simply be a make up work day." Ms.Nezo informed. "I'll let them finish work for other classes, nothing much, so you may go."

Tord nodded. "Thank you again, Ms.Nezo." He restated, trying to show his true appreciation for her cooperation. "If your other classes are giving you trouble, feel free to call me over." He ended off with, chuckling at his own words.

Ms.Nezo hummed in gleeful acceptance. "We'll see." She said, before Tord left with the gentle close of the classroom door.

Tom immediately got to his feet, not wanting to give himself time to think about it. His fists were curled up in anxious rocks of self weight, almost as if they were holding him down.

"Ms.Nezo, " Tom started, with a semi shaky voice. "'May I go to the restroom?"

A slow but noticeable nod alerted the blue boy of his granted permission, and right after having it click in his head that he could apologize, his mind went blank and full of fear.

Why didn't Tord look over
It didn't feel like he did
Did he notice me?
Did he see me?
Is he trying to ignore me?
Is he mad?
Is he sad?
Can I get near?
Would he let me?

Why do I care?

He shook himself out of it, these discouraging thoughts.

And rushed out of his seat, opening the door just enough to slip through and Pursue Tord .

Right after entering the empty hallway, he looked to his left and right, but saw no one.

"Tord?" He called out,

He heard nothing.

Tom began walking quickly to his left, where he was at a four way intersection of hallways, he chose the nearest path, which was his left and then proceeded to walk in careless turns through hallways and dead ends in search of him.

He walked down the left hallway, passing by the noisy chattiness of the yearbook club.

He saw for a glimpse, Mallory ruffling the head of a shorter male, with a bright neon hoodie.

He shook his head, trying to refocus, making the next and only turn left, would lead to the stairwell, and he wasn't quite sure if Tord went up there.

So, he turned around, and started a different trail.

Right, left, straight.

Straight, right, right.

Left, straight, right.

Left, left, and left.

Left.

"I'm left behind."

It was ironic, if you will.

How on the first day Tord lost Tom in the hallways
Full of people

And Tom lost him
In the emptiness of the halls

Either way, he was left behind.

Ironic.

He kept going through the familiar halls, much like his thoughts, they were repeated and connected, and so, very very overlooked.

At one point, he felt something light slide against the inside of his wrist, but in the daze of trying to find Tord, he ignored it.

He was beginning to lose hope when he bumped into someone at a corner.

He was turning right, but looking left. The other person seemed to be turning left, and not paying attention either.

Tom rubbed his head on the floor. Patted away dust that caught on his hands from the floor on his lap, and looked up to see a hand trying to help him up.

He took it carefully and used most of his own willpower, along with some of the helper's to get back on his feet, he hadn't noticed their face since he was occupied with something else.

"Oh dear." He stated, looking down at his left, still putting away dust and checking to see if his phone was okay in his pocket. "I wasn't paying attention."

He looked back up at the person, ready to apologize for his clumsiness. "I'm sorr-"

His words hung in the air like clothing on a line

Drying up and just hanging well enough to to fly away and disappear completely.

The red eyes blinked at him casually.

Tord.

"Tord!-" the shorter one exclaimed, wide eyed and holding back from running into a busy highway just to escape confrontation.

He wanted to run, but at the same time he didn't, so, he wouldn't.

So, he rushed to his words to quickly get it over with.

"Tord I'm-"

"-No, " the red eyed teen cut off, a casual stance and almost careless look rested on his face. He didn't look annoyed or impatient, but,

He looked fine.

"it's okay." He continued, and his words shaking up Toms rib cage his heart felt like it was bouncing around and sinking when it finally touched the ground.

You're okay?

"I was pushing at you when you were uncomfortable." Tord continued, looking away for a second and scratching his neck.

Tom's face read pure confusion and unmet expectation. He didn't understand what Tord was saying. "You were trying to help-" he stuttered, trying to take the blame back to its rightful owner, himself.

"it wasn't your fault-"

"I'm not saying that," Tord cut off again, this time giving a look of pity and urge for Tom to understand what he was trying to say.

"I know it's not my fault. "

"I know it was just a bad time and I added to it, I'm sorry." Tord finalized, his hands staying at his side, his eyes remained calm and alert.

He was not phased at all

Tom was, surprised, Tord didn't try comforting him with hand holding.

He had gotten used to that.
But, something else, troubled Tom.

When did you
Get so
Stable

Was it me?
Or lack of?

Would you be better without me?

I want what's best for you.

"It's.." Tom started off, looking down to the floor, and holding his hand back from trying to reach who was infront of him.

"...okay." He finally sputtered out, quietly.

"You should head back to class." Tord advised, pointing his right thumb behind him. "Wouldn't want Ms.Nezo getting the wrong idea." He added, then putting both of his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

Tom took a small minute to notice the satchel around Tord's torso. He hadn't noticed when he started using it, but then again, he hasn't been trying to notice Tord at all.

"I know." Tom mumbled. Before dealing he was looking too solemn, too bothered.

He lightened his voice with a slight smile. "I just wanted to apologize to you."

Tord's eyes widened a bit, but went back to a pleased glance with the newfound information. He smiled. "I appreciate it."

And he walked off

Tom stood alone in the hall.

"See you later, I guess."

Tom sat in 3rd mod, Tord had yet again, left to go find a friend, he wasn't sure if it was Edd or Matt, or maybe even someone else, but he didn't focus on it too much.

He was still, confused.

Tord had distanced himself from Tom

And Tom didn't ask him to.

Tom didn't even imply it

Not even yesterday.

Not at all.

It worried him.

In 2nd mod, Tord made the paper stars again, but he didn't flick them at Tom, didn't throw them across the room, he just, folded them up, and put them in his satchel.

He didn't even look at him once

Or talk to him

Tom was almost upset about being ignored

But at the same time
It's what he wanted
So he didn't try to interfere.

So now 3rd mod came around,
And he didn't know what Tord was up to.

Tord ran through the halls of the school despite it probably being against the rules.

Everything was going great into plan so far, his excuse in first mod was a complete lie, asking to see a friend just to buy enough time to leave that note on the door.

He smiled knowing that he could easily get Clove out the way in less than a day.

It would be easy.

And in case there are still more
It would be easy

He didn't care anymore
Blood could spill

So?

So.

'Tell me who's next.'

He was excited to know.

"you seem lonely."

Tom looked up to the voice speaking, the first thing he noticed were her entrancing eyes. A beautiful blueish green, or, light teal. But they shined and sparkled.

He would've been staring for ages if he hadn't remembered what she said.

"What?" He restated, he's sure he heard her right, but he wasn't sure if someone would say that.

It just, nobody really says that here.
Cause nobody cares.

The blonde headed girl sat down in front of Tom, which, made him uncomfortable, now having to look at her whether they were chatting or not.

"who... are you?" Tom questioned, tilting his head slightly, but not towards her, almost as if he didn't want to get close.

She wore her long blonde hair out, and the blue highlight that stood out the most was laying over her shoulder, with a few more strands of yellow, this is what let Tom recognize her from the party, but he was still very much confused about who she was exactly.

The rest of her outfit was simple, a light pink shirt with the words "different" imprinted on them

She also had jeans that appeared to be rolled up into shorts, with different colored hearts painted on the cuffs.

And finally, one yellow tennis shoe on her right foot and a green one on her left.

But the most noticeable thing
Was the large dandelion flower crown on her head
With the bright yellow of the flowers
And the green stems and leafs poking out.

When Tom asked the question. She hummed for a bit.

"What do you want me to be?" She said, picking a flower out of her crown and twirling it in her hand.

Tom didn't understand the question.
Didn't understand it.

What do you want?

"What's that supposed to mean." Tom asked, giving a look of confusion and discomfort. Only that, really, he was quite interested in how this girl projected herself.

"It's simple, I can be anything you want me to be." She continued, still looking at the flower. She seemed to really look into each and every petal, each vein on the petal, each slight curve and twist, mesmerized about how delicate and overlooked it was.

She wore the crown because she knew people would look at it
She wanted to bring attention to the flowers.

"I can be your friend." She said, tilting the flower to her right, and watching it as it swayed.

"Your enemy." She added, tilting it to the left, still keeping an eye on it as Tom kept an eye on her.

"Your lover." She finalized, pointing the flower at Tom, and giving him eye contact instead of the flower.

Since he was blatantly looking at her, he was caught off guard by the sudden action, and didn't quite entirely hear what she said. So he went off topic.

"Aren't you afraid of any dirt or bugs getting into your hair because of that crown?" Tom asked, pointing to it.

Clove smiled, glad that he noticed.

"I wouldn't mind at all." She said, smiling and sitting up in her seat.

"The grass and dirt was here before me, " She said, rubbing her finger against the stem of th flower, now focusing on the second most under appreciated thing. The stem. The one thing that holds up the beauty of the flower, 'poor stem' she thought, 'the flower wouldn't exist without you.'

She snapped back out of her trance quickly, and continued her statement. "I was the one who came in and wrecked their stuff. "

Tom tilted his head in interest and confusion, but he was willing to listen.

"They have the right to be wherever they want."

Tom smiled, slightly.

"So, the little things really matter to you huh?" He asked, his voice softening from a casual classmate to more of someone who was now comfortable around this individual.

Clove was caught off guard, her head rested, laying down on her right arm and still looking at the flower in her left hand. She smiled in return, Tom could tell that she was really happy. But her smile remained calm.

"Of course I do." She said, her voice reaching a seemingly higher note, before she relaxed again and looked fondly at the dandelion in her hand.

"We're all just little things wanting to be seen."

"Little things that want to live in comfort."

Tom smiled down at the girl speaking words he hadn't heard before.

'What a lovely mind she has. '

Tord patted the bandage on his wrist.
Hopefully it would stop any more bleeding.

His plan had several backups, he was just preparing all of them.

Some of them connected to others

It was one, plan, one simple little plan with little add ins.

There was no way it could go wrong.

He closed the door of the storage room, flicking the little sign he hung up happily.

He chuckled a empty laugh to himself, walking back to class.

This would certainly be amusing.

He wondered how she would react

The backlash of his actions currently would probably lead to more investigations, but he could surely escape those.

Tord didn't care right now though. His one go to for stability, had closed themself off, and it was already taking a toll.

Tord grew used to Tom comforting him.

And just
With that
That one thing
Being taken away from him

It drove him to pure careless bliss.

It made everything clear to him

If he lost Tom
He'd become disfunctional again
Emotions would fade again

He wasn't gonna let that happen
He got a taste of it
And he was not the type,
To let that slide by.

He was not going to let that happen ever again.

He wasn't trying to brutally kill

When Tom apologized, Tord was driven a bit into hesitation, but the taste still lingered in his heart and it ached just enough to resend the feeling of loosing Tom.

An unpleasant reminder.

He was glad, Tom apologized

That Tom showed he didn't mean it

But he knew he wasn't back.
He knew something was holding Tom back

Here's the thing, about being held back
Your vulnerable

And from experience
Tord knew
If someone gets to you
While your vulnerable

You can build an incredibly close bond with them in an instant

And nobody was about to even get an inch close to Tom

He wouldn't allow it.

Not now, not ever.

So now he walked back into his classroom, happy, content.

Stop the girl before she gets close, like Avery did. And it's that simple

Then, with that threat gone, Tord can direct his time away from knives and poison to focus on Tom, and try to fix what has somehow broken.

Then it's all smooth sailing, right?

His hand rested on the handle to the door. He was ready to do it, but, still, he couldn't help but be hesitant.

He paused, thinking for a moment.

He was confused, let's be honest.
He wasn't sure what he really wanted to do.

If it was possible, he wanted to earn Tom without bloodspill

Really, he did.

He didn't want to have to hide anything from Tom

He just wanted to love him
And to get that same love back.

But he couldn't do that
Tom was pushing him away

And it hurt
Too much
He won't express it
And it won't drag him down

It won't keep him from doing what must be done, unlike all his insecurities
If anything,

It drove him to do it more.

He couldn't stand the thought of losing Tom.
But Tom was vulnerable and pushing Tom away
And Clove was here, and with obvious intent to grow a bond.

He wasn't sure how he knew, but he knew.

Just, those two.
They were something to look out for

Cause if those two ever combined
It would be just a short time

Before someone would go missing.

Someone, would spill.

He'd talk to Laddi about it during lunch, he texted her to meet him on the roof, barely anyone went up there, even though it wasn't restricted. There were safety bars all over the place anyways.

It was a nice, empty place.

So Tord gave a small sigh of relief knowing that things weren't too bad.

Weren't perfect, but weren't bad.

So his hand turned the handle down, and pushed the door open.
He felt the paper stars in his satchel shifted around, almost as if they were trying to find a spot in his bag that would prevent them from getting crumpled.

Nobody cared for his entrance, but Tord certainly took a moment to glance over at one important table.

Clove

In his seat

Next to Tom

At the table.

Tord could see her lips moving, she expressed contentment and joy while talking to Tom.

Tord felt like a knife had twisted into his heart when he saw Tom laughing and looking

Absolutely interested

In clove.

The girl must've been a four leaf, because had her luck been worse, Tord might had not had the self control not to pull the knife out of  his satchel right then and there.

He knew distancing himself from Tom would give Tom time to think, time to regain some of his normal happy personality to be capable of actually talking about what was wrong

Cause that's what didn't happen yesterday
Tom wasn't comfortable
And he wasn't capable of explaining it yet.

He needed time to breathe

And Tord, needed to get this bitch, the fuck out of his seat.

But

Tom.

He didn't want to break in rudely into that conversation
It would only backfire on Tom

So
For once
He had to sit somewhere else
And let clove have him.

For now
Next time, I'll have your throat.

Tord decided to distract himself
He loved doing it
It always worked.

He picked out a paper star from his satchel, one of the reasons he didn't give them to Tom was because he was gonna, well, distance himself from Tom for Toms comfort and well being.

The other part though,

Would just be, too lethal.

The bell went off, and everyone decided to head to lunch. Some kids decided to go to their clubs, others just skipped lunch and stayed with their friends in hallways or in class trying to catch up on work for the next two mods before they got their ass whooped for lack of responsibility

You know, typical high schooler shit.

Edd walked into the room with Matt, who was rambling about yet another random subject, the best hair products.

Edd listened only to give polite responses to Matt, he listened enough just to know enough to give a good reply to a question or sentence that ended with a hint for opinion

Anything to make it look like he was paying attention to Matt.

The tall ginger liked it when someone actually listened, for once.

So he took quite a fondness to ranting to Edd.

They sat down at their table, waiting for Tom to arrive to tell him the news and go get lunch with him as a trio, instead of leaving him to get his food by himself.

And eventually, Tom walked in, carrying his two journals and a pencil secured in the spring of a spiral notebook.

"Where's Tord?" He immediately and accidentally asked.

Edd tolled his eyes "hello to you too." He chuckled. Getting up out of his seat after Tom places his stuff down.

"I didn't mean it in a bad way." Tom said apologetically, technically he didn't mean to say it at all, but he wouldn't mention that, and over the loud chattering of teenagers with their poorly made school food, Edd shook his head.

"I know you didn't, Tord said he was gonna go work on a project with Laddi, so he's skipping lunch with us today." Edd informed, scratching his neck and looking at Matt, expecting him to stand up to go get lunch as well, the giver continued to stay seated despite Edd's implying glare, so he gave up.

"I let him, of course, because I'm not a controlling person." He chuckled, making his own stupid little comments because neither Matt or Tom were doing that for him and he honestly didn't like this dry audience. "Anyways, I'm gonna go to the vending machine for a cola. I'll be back to come pick you losers up to get lunch since you don't wanna do it now." He ended off with, walking away.

"We were gonna get lunch?" Matt asked, looking over to Tom, confused.

"We're in the cafeteria."  Tom said, clutching the now cold breakfast bag in his hand. "Of course we were gonna get lunch Matt." Tom sighed, placing the bag on the table.

Matt invited himself to it, which Tom didn't mind, and as he opened up the tiny bag of mixed fruits, the natural sweetness and combination of red and blue made Matt think.

"Tom?" He started, picking at a blueberry and feeling ideas form.

"Yes Matt?" Tom asked, looking up from his opened notebook, he felt a small surge of panic in him when he realized what just happened

Or could've happened.

But Matt's words completely turned his attention away from it.

"Why do you hold hands with Tord so much?" He asked, eating a small pancake, and looking up at Tom with eyes that searched for an answer in his expression.

"I hold hands with everyone, it's my way of comforting them during hard times." Tom said out loud, the expression Matt did receive was confusion and question.

"I don't think you can just hold hands with everyone, without it being misinterpreted Tom." Edd chimed in, returning from his purchase, and setting down a granola bar infront of Matt for him to keep.

Tom felt awkward, as if he's been driving on the wrong side of the road. "What? " he questioned, feeling knots form in his stomach at a very subtly approaching realization. "Is it too affectionate?" He asked.

Edds eyes widened, Matt looked up at Edd, waiting for him to explain everything since it appeared that he was about to do so.

"I'm gonna go get lunch." Matt quietly told, getting up and doing an awkward walk away from his table.

Edd finally sat down. Looking at this poorly informed friend of his  in the face.

"Tom," Edd started off, tilting his head. "If I l, in the future." He started off, in a nice bit bewildered voice implying how he had no absolute clue how Tom didn't get it. " hold the hand of whoever you end up married to, and comfort them during a hard time, Dont you think that's a little eye catching?" He asked, hoping to had got it through.

Tom only seemed more confused. "No?" He said, giving Edd a questioning glare.

Edd patted his hands on the table. "Alright bad example on my part." He sighed, a bit disappointed.

He stayed quiet for a moment to try thinking of other examples, but they would all probably backfire, so he put it short and simple.

"Tom, hand holding is a very personal and deep thing, and if you keep doing that to everyone, one of these days, someone isn't gonna take it too nicely."

Tom pouted, a bit disappointed in how he didn't see that as an option, despite always being afraid of getting too close to someone.

"I guess I could see that." He sighed, standing up from his seat to go get lunch. ", it's just, when I was younger that's all Namki ever did to other people, so I picked up her hahit." He explained, looking down to the side, a bit embarrassed

Edd stood up and patted Tom on the shoulder. "I know, but you just, really need to be a little more careful, alright?"

"Yeah." Tom agreed, taking in the words that fueled his self deteriorating fires.

"I need to be more careful."

Tord paced the roof of the school, Laddi sitting calmly on a bench, but with each passing second she could only feel more tense .

"I thought you were gonna let go-"she started, trying to understand the pacing teen with a knife in hand and the other gripping the handle on his satchel, which was now being dragged around behind him.

"I did Laddi!" He exclaimed, dropping the satchel at his side and extending his hands out . So much for not crinkling the stars.

"I don't care about Tom's comment, because I let go of the fact that I'm unstable." He said. Laddi could hear the tenseness in his voice increase.

"I know it!" He admitted, in a voice that maybe should've been quieter. "I've come to terms with it."

Laddi grabbed an apple from her bag, wanting to test something.

She flung it up in of Tords line of sight.
She noticed a glimmer in his eyes as his brain made the instinct connection.

And I'm a second, the Apple was pierced, stabbed into the wall.

Tord's hand in front of him, wasn't even aware, or even,

In control

Of what he just did.

He snapped out of it, and went back to his intense rant as Laddi took out a notebook. "I'm a fucking psycho" he said, in a daze, with his right hand up to his forehead.

The confusion lasted for a second, and only and second.

His hand bolted away from his hand and back onto the knife, pulling it out of the wall and clenching it like it was all he knew.

"and that's okay!" He exclaimed, looking up to Laddi, who was scribbling away.

He was grabbing that knife harshly.
To put it into words.

Some days we went for Tom's hand.

And other days, it was the knife.

He didn't know which he liked more

"I'm not focusing on the past anymore." He continued, knowing that Laddi was listening, wasn't sure what she was writing, but he didn't care either.

"I'm focusing on the present."

"And right now, " he started, his voice beginning to quiver. Laddi immediately looked up.

"I'm afraid."

"I'm afraid what Toms comment means." He said,looking down at his hands

Or specifically, the knife in it.

"I'm afraid what he means." He added, looking up at Laddi with confused and, possibly, ironically, unstable eyes.

"What if I mess something up with him again?"

"What if I lose him?"

"What if I lose the one person I've loved?"

Tords expression saddened, he dropped the knife from his hand as it flattered against the floor of the roof.

Laddi Closed the notebook as the troubled high schooler made his way over to the gate on the roof, leaning over and just watching the breeze shake the leafs off the trees.

What was once a warm, inviting locations
Was dying.

Much like Tom's backyard,
Much like his mind,

...
You know the rest.

It was cold, but Tord liked the cold. He was used to it. He liked the warmth more, in his opinion

But the cold was also appealing.

Laddi had put on the scarf she brought to school, when Tord texted her about meeting on the roof she had taken it out her locker.

She looked at the knife and Apple on the floor, and the cold light grey of the sky that was doing everything it could do to just make life more gloomy.

She frowned. And decided to make steps to a lighter conversation.

"You've never been in love before?" She asked, softening her voice in an attempt to calm Tord down, after all, he just got pushed away from the person he loved, went through a small insanity spree she was sure would continue, and, now, he was sad again.

He was hard to read, so she kept her head tilted, still sitting in the bench, trying to see past him to catch his expression.

Tord took a second for respond.
But when he did, it was cold.

"Never."

Laddi frowned, feeling the quiet despair in his voice.

"What's it like?" She asked him, trying to pry at a fond memory.

"Being in love?"

What's it like
Being blind

And in love?

"It's incredible." Tord answered, immediately, without a doubt, still, looking out into the school yard. The endearment in his voice obvious.

"But it also hurts like a bitch because I don't know what he's feeling."  He followed up with, turning and looking back at Laddi with a pained expression.

He sighed, and looked down, his right hand resting on the metal gate.

"He's everything to me." Was just barely above a whisper.

"But, knowing me. I'll somehow mess it up." he sighed, running a hand through his hair, before resting it at the back of his neck. Tilting his head against his arm.

"I love him so much."

"I don't know if I've ever said it before." Tord continued, looking up at Laddi and holding onto himself for a warmth he craved after getting too used to the cold.

A freezing cold breeze came by, but no matter how cold it was starting to get, Tord wanted to say it.

"But I do."

"I really do."

"Do you, want to go inside?" Laddi asked, getting up and picking up Tord's apple, and knife, and slidin then inside his brown leather satchel which she also picked up.

"Yesterday was a warmish day, but today is when the cold season spikes in."

The weather here, with the addition of global warming, was abnormal, warm days intertwined with chilly ones, especially as the snowy season neared.

Yesterday was supposed to be cold, light sweaters would've been needed for Ashas birthday, but luck was on their side, and the sun stayed out, giving the child bright and warm comfort.

Tord shook his head, instead just zipping up his black hoodie and putting on the hood itself, Laddi smiled in awe of how his hair horns poked out just barely.

"He pushed me away." Tord continued, rubbing his hands against his arms.

Laddi sat back down on the bench, patting down the seat next to her, where Tord reluctantly but eventually sat down on.

She took out her notebook again, and began to go over the notes she wrote, adding in small details.

"He said I couldn't keep myself together at all." Tord continued, still grabbing gin to the sleeves of his arm

"And it's not true." Tord sighed, grabbing the knife and apple out of his bag again.

He cut it in half, his hands had been fidgeting, but they acted with purpose after grabbing the two items. He started cutting the Apple again, reminding himself of the warm memory when he was teaching Asha how fractions worked.

This apple, was no longer whole.

Much like him.

"I can keep myself together." He said, as if he was trying to convince someone.

He handed the cut Apple slices off to Laddi, who he knew was skipping her lunch food because of him.

"I just, " He started, putting his hands at the side of his head like he was trying to grab on to himself.

" I just can't help but feel so weak around him."

"I can't help but let my emotions loose,"

"when I feel so safe around him."

"Like I don't need to hide."

Tord sighed, removing his hands and intertwining them together.

He felt calmer now, having said it aloud, he understood himself a bit better than how he felt just rushing through the school hallways with an idea he wasn't even sure he completely agreed with.

"I love being able to feel so, accepted for once." He finally said, being fond of the freedom he had from the cold cell his life used to feel like.

Laddi thought that was where he was gonna end it, and finish speaking,

"But at the same time," he said low, reaching for something at his side.

the wind stopped and became still, and his voice became empty again.

"They're gone right now." He whispered.

His voice sent sharp cold shivers down laddi's spine, she jolted in her seat.

She knew RET members had the ability to effect people, just with a look, or touch, but she wouldn't have guessed their voice could too.

She turned, to try looking at Tords face, but it was hidden behind his hoodie, and all she saw was the knife now held in his hands

"They came back when he apologized." He added, twisting the blade, clean and shiny from the school's decent taste it cutlery for the cooking club.

The slanted knife, from Laddi's view, reflected two red glints she knew came from Tords eyes.

And she was in perfect view of them.

"But now?" Tords voice breathed out, thin and sharp.

"I'm empty."

"I had fear just a second ago." his voice said, sounding cold.

"But I'm empty now."

"and I hate it." He said, through clenched teeth.

He was, annoyed.

Laddi was worried about the combo of his bad mood and the weapon in his hand

She wasn't afraid for her life, she was afraid for the life of others.

"It used to be involuntary." He informed, relaxing a bit and looking over to Laddi, she looked at him only for a moment before realizing she could be writing this down.

"I just didn't feel much." He sighed, as Laddi began to write stuff down.

"But Tom coming into my life introduced the idea that with him,"

and with the emotion seeping back into his voice, he said it.

"I had the choice to feel empty or not."

"And I'm not letting myself feel this any longer."

"I can't handle it."

"I feel so shitty and empty because of what happened yesterday." He pushed out, back to looking at the knife, Laddi could see frustration in his eyes.

"I really want to just."

"Get it over with."

There was a loud moment of silence.
Tord knew, Laddi knew.

He wanted to end someone
Something
Just because he felt empty
Maybe he wanted to feel guilt out of it
Or maybe he just had tense emotions he had to express

But they knew.

And it was a knowing silence
With nothing but the rustling of trees and branches.

Lunch had ended long ago, but both of them told their teachers they would be working at n the "project."

Both students were one of the most trusted ones in the building
Smart and cooperative
So they let them slide by.

They weren't afraid
Laddi knew that Tord had everyone in his hands
Things were already set up perfectly for him
But would he do it?

That was the question.

And to answer it,

Yes.
He would.

"Your going through withdrawal" Laddi told him, breaking the silence and turning a page in her notebook.

"It's differs for most people," she started tapping her cheek with a pen. "But for you, it's mental and emotional disturbance produced by the lack of continuation of a preexisting habit."

She scribbled this down onto a paper, while Tord took a moment to take that in.

"Most people get this when they stop taking medicines, and it's usually all physical illness." She added on, finishing a sentence in her notebook.

"Yours is all emotional and mental though. You become, well, sad, and emotionless."

"And, the 'habit' that you stopped which is causing this, is having a good connection with Tom."

Laddi looked at Tord for a response, when all he did was sigh and lean back, laying against the wall.

"Figures."

"We can go inside to the yearbook club room, " she offered, seeing Tord grow bored of the same scenery of a cloudy sky and three dying trees with just a couple bushes of leafs.

"Mallory said Allay and Connor would just be in there cropping photos while she wandered the school trying to do some photo retakes."

Tord shrugged in agreement. He didn't care too much, instea she just focused on constantly fiddling with how he held the knife. "Sounds good."

"Before we go though," Laddi interrupted, "I have some questions."

"What have you been doing today?"

Tord frowned, feeling as if he was going to get scolded or something. When he turned to look at his sister figure to give her a questioning gaze, he saw that she had pulled out the small bottle he bought from the store.

She held it as if she didn't want to touch it, she looked interested in what explanation he had to give for it.

"Is this hydrogen peroxide?" Laddi pushed, trying to get an answer since Tord jaut likes staring at her with a so-what? Look.

"7 ounces of it." Was all Tord responded with.

"And you brought a knife." Laddi continued, pointing at the blade in his hand

"Yep, the one from the kitchen here to be specific ." He almost looked proud, if it weren't for the fact that his expression didn't show that he valued how bad these objects actually were.

"What else did you do." Laddi sighed, giving in to a smile and crossing her arms, this was Tord, a RET member, she knew damn well there was more.

"1st mod I left an do not enter sign on the storage room. Needed somewhere to put the body just in case." He continued, quite casually. He put the knife down next to him and put his cold hands in his pocket

"There's a large case in there that I was thinking of throwing into the river by where the North Oak festival was found." He added yawning and going back to a dull bored voice:

"You would dispose of the body that way?" Laddi asked, chewing on the Apple slices he cut up.

She handed one to Tord, he looked at it for a second before taking it.

"Yeah." He confirmed, before loudly biting the apple slice.

Laddi continued going through his satchel, he didn't show any care for her finding all the possibly incriminating items inside.

She found a bright orange bottle inside. It could fit in your hand.

She pulled it out, reading the label and and Tords imprinted name on it, she shook it lightly to the rattle of pills, which caught Tords attention.

"Backup option was that leftover medication I had from my eyes." He said, poking the bottle has Laddi held it in her hand. He seemed like he wasn't very fond of this choice. "was thinking of leaving them in her food." He explained.

"Character assassination is another thing." Tord perked up with, this one seemed to catch his interest more.

He took the satchel from Laddi, and began rummaging through it, looking for something.

Tord tossed out a pack of smokes.

"My dad left these. " Laddi looked down at the small box, she seemed to be questioning the motive of having these.

"Just drop them in her bag and she's already put under a title I'm sure Tom wouldn't like." Tord chuckled out, smiling to himself as Laddi put everything back in his satchel.

Right when Laddi was putting the knife back in the bag, she heard it.

"I'm trying to do it in the least lethal way possible. I don't want the burden of it."

"But I really still need to do it."

"And I really need to get Tom back."

"He's too far gone, but he certainly isn't close to me anymore."

Laddi paused, surprised by that last bit "What do you mean?" She asked, her voice beginning to shake with worry.

"I thought he just said something." She told him, sitting up in her seat and fully closing his satchel.

"No laddi." Tord sighed, shaking his head.

"It's more than that." He whimpered quietly.

"You seem pretty carefree."  Tom said, following behind the jumpy blonde.

"I am! " she chimes happily, twirling in her footsteps, she slowed down and tilted her hair at a nearby window. "But at the same time I'm not." She said, indecisively.

Tom watched her stare outside the window for a moment, before she picked up her pace and continued on her merry way. "Explain."

She hummed for second, thinking about what to say. "I care about everything, " she started. "but I don't care about the bad things, like global warming."

Tom gave a questioning judge mental glance over, but she didn't see it.

Instead, she continued her statement.

"Like Sure, I'll do my part to try and better what we've done to our lovely little beauty of a planet, she doesn't deserve to suffer, " she said, with a voice implying that she wasn't a dense rock and understood things on a deeper level than one would guess.

"but I won't make myself suffer thinking about it." She said, shrugging

"You can help somebody who's suffering."

"But you don't need to make yourself suffer while doing it."

She paused in her steps, her hands intertwined behind her back, almost in a shy manner that she didn't truly have.

She continued on her path again, and her words.

"And you can't help someone who's suffering."

"While your suffering."

"Suffering is contagious."

"It might spread."

Tom felt a rise of fear in himself.
Maybe she was right
Maybe he was doing Tord more bad than good
It wasn't like this at the beginning
He was helpful
But now he was drifting from that

Are you better without me?

I want what's best for you.

"Everyone needs a positive person in their life." Clove said, continuing her slow and steady walk to class as Tom slowly trailed behind, she was emptying the recycle bins from classes and Tom volunteered to help her out.

"Positivity beats negativity " she chimed softly.

So he trudged behind her, pushing the cart with the larger recycle bin. Stopping at classdoors to empty them out as they were usually full by the beginning of fifth mod.

"So I try to focus on the positives."

"To be there for people."

Though she couldn't see it, Tom smiled at that.

"And the positives is, " she said, turning around and catching Tom off guard with those entrancing teal eyes of hers.

"both deserve better."

"We deserve to live on a nice healthy planet." She said, picking up a bottle that was left on the floor of the hall.

"And the planet deserves respect and care" she added, dropping the bottle into the bin.

"A person deserves to have someone healthy to go to for help"

"And that person who they rely on deserves to really, be healthy and happy."

She went back to walking, a more flowy kick in her step now, she always seemed to be pausing and walking, she was a moving pattern and Tom liked knowing what was next, instead of being surprised or panicked due to an unstable path.

"Everything is an example of life itself"

She looked at Tom over her shoulder, and him, just being able to see the right side of her face, listened to every word as if it would be her last.

"I think it's pretty neat."

Tom chuckled a bit in fear of everything she said, and the rest, in comfort, like he finally understood. Her words hit him sharply, as if she could outline every vein and blood vessel on his heart right now, she was accurate.

And so, very telling of things never thought of.

"He's scared." Tord whispered, as if he didn't want to hear or believe it himself.

"Do you think he found out?" He asked, looking to Laddi, who had an expression mixed between fear and contemplation

"No, " she sighed, shaking her head tiredly. "he couldn't have"

"But Laddi." Tord pushed, wanting her to look into it more.

"He's different "

"He looks frightened"

"He pushes me away."

Laddi bit her lip at the difference in Tords voice now

Always changing
Emotional
Dull
Emotional
Empty
Emotional
Emotionless

Unstable.
His speaking pattern was unstable

Unlike someone else's

We all know this
But Tom speaks more through words than through actions
We all know this.

And someone is using that to their advantage
But who.

Laddi could hear sad frustration out of the high schooler next to her, she could see him deathgrip onto his sleeves

"Won't let me make him smile." He continued, pained.

"It's true Tom has been acting different " Laddi admitted to herself, the aura she got around Tom did change recently from an open welcome stance to a cautious nervous.

"I want to hold him" Tord ached.

"I want to hug him"

"I want to give him little kisses in his hands and tell him he's important " he said, looking at his own cold and empty hands.

Laddi could see his eyes dull now, the redness seemed to fade again

"He does so much for me"

"I want to comfort him"

"I want to make him feel safe"

"I̷ ̵w̶a̴n̶t̷ ̸h̸i̶m̴ ̸"

"You don't seem to have any personal problems." Tom assumed, now pushing the full cart down a path they hadn't really gone through before.

"If anything, people just have problems with me." Clove replied, slightly correcting him, slightly assuming something too, she wasn't quite sure:

Tom tilted his head in confusion of why anyone would ever dislike her. "And why's that?" He asked, picking up a stray piece of paper and tossing it into the bin

"They don't like the way I think." Clove shrugged, carelessly.

"The way you care?" Tom guessed, he was trying to understand the situation. He knew, as previously stated, that nobody in this highschool really gave a shit, but that couldn't possibly mean they hated people who did.

Is that why, Tord was so anxious with how people would treat Tom?

Because he cared so much he could get hurt?

Or

...
He was confusing himself.
He needed a straight answer

And Clove gave him one.

"Precisely."

"I'm a bit confused still" Tom admitted, he expected to understand, but he didn't. "you don't care, yet and the same time you do, and people hate that you do, but you don't care about that?" He said, all in a confused questioning, seeking-your-confirmation, voice.

"That's the gist of it." Clove said, nodding and turning around to stop next to a door.

Tom looked at it, a troubled look on his face "Say, the sign here says do not enter."

"It's just a sign. " Clove shrugged, putting her hand on the door and opening it up. "The janitor probably doesn't want us skipping in here or something."

After settling the large recycling bin inside, the two closed the door, and stood in front of each other

"Help me out next week?" Clove asked, a hopeful tune in her voice

"Sure." Tom replied, gently smiling in return.

Laddi understood it now
Tord didn't want stability

Tord wanted to make someone feel stable
He wanted to be useful
He wanted to love someone
Because he felt useless
That someone was Tom

He wanted that accepted his lack of stability
And because they accepted it
He didn't look for it
Didn't need it

He needed him

He wanted to love someone
To spoil them
To just be there for them

She understood now

Tord didn't want to be loved

He wanted to love someone

He wanted
He craved that emotion

He didn't want others to feel it for him
He wanted to feel it himself.

And then, maybe
Get it back from the person he loved most.

She understood it now

Yes, this was different than the last.
But she makes understandings out of messes.

This was okay.

So now the two were sitting in the warmth of the year book club room

After Tords second mini rant, Laddi had said it

"C'mon, we've spent all of lunch and more than half of a class mod up here, if a teacher goes to check on us in Yearbook, we're dead."

Mallory had made it back by the time they arrived. She greeted them with concern but accepted their explanation that Tord needed fresh air.

Mallory knew about the incident with Somber and how Tord felt like fainting, so she accepted the fact that he would want a nice breeze every once in a while.

Allay and Connor threw their sweaters on top of the two, who both had lightly dusted red on the tips of their noses, ears, and fingers from being in the cold with nothing but a sweater and a scarf.

Now, while the trio worked on picture placement, Laddi and Tord stayed quiet to themself, both of them writing on their perspective journals, Tord had yet to tell Laddi about the letter he forged.

"Tord you don't have to let go of your problems like their nothing." Laddi whispered, not making eye contact but making sure she had his attention.

"Those sad emotions," she recalled to him, in an attempt to remind him about him Incase he forgot. "If they come back, talk to me, or Edd and Matt, DONT just force them away, alright?" She asked, waiting for a "yes" or nod that she never received

"I get that you don't want to let them interfere." She said, trying to compromise with him

"But remember-"

"Don't forget." Tord broke in, having a good reminder of it since yesterday.

"I got it Laddi." He added

"I just, I forget." He admitted, quietly sighing to himself and putting his pencil down from the new draft letter he was writing.

"It's hard not to."

"When the one person who makes me remember my emotions."

"Is forgetting me."

Tom and Clove sat in fifth mid, as the day would soon come to a close, the two had exchanged numbers and now chatted about things they had used to do as a child.

The trade of Fond memories build strong bonds

Did he forget?

"By the way, why did you bring all of that stuff today? " Laddi asked, in reference to all the random violent shit in Tords bag.

"There isn't enough time for you to actually-"

"I just wanted to tell you, and plan ahead everything." Tord answered quickly and sternly, like he wasn't in favor of talking anymore.

"I see." Laddi mumbles quietly to herself

Tord waited by toms locker, trying not to make a mistake death glaring Clove as she walked nearby, but not next to Tom.

He seemed focus on getting to his locker, and didn't hear her say goodbye.

Tord just, waited quietly.

When Tom saw him waiting, his heart dried up for a bit

Sometimes, he really did forget how close him and Tord were.

He really did.

"I didn't see you in class." Tom said, questioningly and opening up his locker with a bit of a struggle.

Tord yawned in response after Tom finally got the stubborn thing open, he would've helped but he didn't want to get close.

"Me and Laddi were working on that project."

Tom rolled his eyes. "It's always you two and that project." He sighed, taking out his book bag and placing his notebooks and pencils inside.

"When am I gonna know what it is?" He asked, closing the locker door with his right hand and swinging his bookbag on his back with his left.

"When it's done." Tord chuckled, which, technically wasn't wrong.

Tom didn't respond after that, instead just shaking his head as the two made their way out of the school.

They weren't in the chatty mood, you could say.

Tord waited patiently with Edd and Matt, as Tom talked with his teacher about after school some more.

They were casually talking about games that had came out. Edd specifically wanting to go back to nostalgic ones though, Tord seemed supportive of the idea of doing that for a friends friday, while Matt gave in his own mini options.

"We could go to the shopping centers, there's a new icecream parlor!" He chimed happily.

Tord smiled at the idea, it had been a while since he had a cold treat.  "Edd?" He said, catching the brunette's attention. "Would you come?" He asked, tilting his head and nudging Matt with his shoulder.

Matt understood what he meant. "Pretty please?"  He said, innocently.

Edd glared at Tord, who was grinning, and well aware of what he was doing. He sighed and rolled his eyes, giving in. "Sure."

Matt exclaimed in happiness while Tord patted him on the back.

"You've never been late before." Edd started, causally, looking to the side.

"There was that one time-"

"That was in middle school, Tord." Edd said, turning back at Tord with an unamused expression, his eyebrows furrowed into slight disgust. "You vomited."

"I was sick." Tord chuckled, scratching his neck.

"Your always sick." Edd groaned, rubbing his eyes.

"You really need to get it checked out." Edd advised, recalling the time Tord came to school with an oxygen tank trailing behind him for a week.

He still got chills from seeing his best friend have to rely on a metal tin.

"But, really." Edd said, giving a worried look over to Tord.

"We don't wanna make a big deal out of this, " he said, being cautious with the teen. "we really just wanna make sure you know we're here for you."

Tord felt a pain in his gut at the sincerity of Edds voice. Knowing that he'd soon be doing some heartbreaking stuff. And Edd was wondering if he was okay,

Ironic.

"Youve just been off, for a while, you know." Matt added in, now putting his hand on Tord's back.

"I hope you didn't forget the photo." Edd said, a hint of sad worry creeping in. Tord shook his head, remembering how Edd was the one who gave him the photo and wrote the note on it.

״I didn't"

"Good"

"Really, if you want to talk, if you need us, we're here." Edds voice rang in Tords head. Reassuring, it was.

"I know." He mumbled, sheepishly in response. He was greatful though, don't get him wrong.

He sighed, defeated, and giving in to their affection for once, he wrapped his arms around them and brought them close,

Caught off guard, since Tord never really voluntarily hugged them in such a loving way, so they were practically dragged into it.

"I couldn't forget about the two who helped me out greatly." He said, genuinely smiling for once without Tom around.

Edd thought about that for a second, before involuntarily feeling giddy and happy at his words. "Awww." He said, patting Tords arm.

Matt  was quiet, he looked at Tord. "so your not leaving?" He questioned, tilting his head in his confused manner.

Tords eyes opened from the comfort of being around those two, he backed up for a second, letting Edd and Matt stand up straight, his arms still stayed over them though, he looked at Matt. "I never was." He lightly chuckled, confused:

Matt shrugged, looking at the floor. "Felt like it." He said.

And thats when it hit him
It felt like Tom was leaving
It felt like his own emotions were leaving
And it felt like he, himself, was leaving.

Tord was not gonna be left behind
So he decided to scratch one of those off the list right now.

"Don't worry. I'm not going anywhere." He sighed, pulling them both in for a gentle hug.

"Thank you."

"For everything."

Tom walked outside the school, waving bye to clove who caught up with him in their path back.

They had a little conversation, Tom had asked for her opinion on a certain issue.

Now he stopped, dead in his tracks, standing at the scene in front of him

Part of him wanted to walk away, he wasn't apart of this.

The other part knew he would be questioned for doing that.

So he went over, greeted them, and walked home with them.

It was just, with them
It wasn't us.

"I never got to teach Asha how to ride a bike." Tord commented, walking down the street after Edd and Matt had gotten home.

Tom and Tord both had their hoods on, bookbags on and just, walking home as the breezes came by. It was calm.

"I guess I over scheduled so much yesterday I forgot about that." Tom assumed, wincing at a chill he felt from the wind. He was always sensitive to the cold.

"I know it's pretty low in the weather today, but I figured maybe I could still try teaching Asha?" Tord asked, seeking permission from Tom considering how he basically was a mini parent for Asha and Soke.

Tom shrugged, walking down the gate to his house and lazily pushing it open. "Asha wouldn't let me live it down if you don't teach her." Tom sighed, walking into the front lawn and not closing the gate behind him, implying for Tord to come in.

Tord smiled, following after Tom and closing the little metal gate behind him now, Tom was up at the door using his keys to open it.

Fumbling with his Keys to find the familiar yellow,white, and blue one, he felt Tord's presence, close to his left, probably leaning on the small fencing on the front porch.

And with that, the next breeze that came by seemed warmer than the one before.

Tom opened the door, the two kids already home from the schoolbus dropping them off.

"Hi tomm." Asha said from the counter, eating a banana.

Soke was sleeping on the couch, tired for whatever reason. Maybe 1st grade was tiring for him today.

While Tom went to go check on soke on the couch, Asha beamed in excitement upon seeing Tord.

She ran up to him and tugged on his sleeve. "Your gonna teach me how to ride a bike with no training wheels," her little voice peeped, now looking up to Tord. "Right?"

He smiled, and ruffled her hair. "Yeah. Of course."

She cheered happily, leading Tord to where her bike was stored.

Tom patted soke awake, who got up from the couch only on the condition that they could eat popsicles to celebrate Asha switching from training to wheels to without.

Tom agreed to it, of course.

Soke would have gotten off the couch anyways, but he just, wanted the popsicles.

After Asha put on a warm burgundy sweater with a thin but comfortable beanie, and soke put a Blue hoodie on that matched the color of his eyes. Soft baby blue, but with two white stripes on the sleeves, and the whole center torso piece was white aswell.

Now, Tom stood on the sidewalk of the empty road, watching clear for any coming cars.

Asha looked up at Tord, a worried look on her fact as she sat comfortably but anxiously on her bike, Tord was now holding it up, soke stood next to Tord, keeping an eye on his sister.

"What if I fall?" She asked, her small voice barely audible.

Tord hummed, as he had one hand on the bike handles, and the other taking off the first training wheel with a wrench,

"If you fall," he started, getting up form his crouched position and taking one wheel away with him, to Asha's dismay.

He walked to the front of the bike, bending over slightly to the short thing and resting his elbows on the handle, Asha kept her hands between her legs, grabbing onto the seat intensely.

"I'm gonna pick you right up, hold you until your better, and put you right back down on this bike, " he said, smiling reassuringly.

He got up went to the other wheel.

"And we try again."

Asha seemed okay with that.
She wanted to ask Tom too, so she hopped off for a second, which alerted Tord, thinking maybe she was afraid, but when he saw her running over to Tom, he relaxed and went back to removing the wheel.

Soke neared Him curiously, so he let soke take the wheel off.

"Tom?" Asha said, snapping the teen out of a random trance

He was, trying to think about things like clove did.
In a deeper, closer sense

So far, he couldn't do it.

He looked down at the little girl infront of him. "Yes Asha?" He responded, not using the nickname due to seeing her obviously troubled.

"What if I fall?" She asked, repeating her question.

Tom hummed, looking down at her fondly.

"You won't fall."
"You'll do just fine." He reassured.

Ah.
There's the difference.

Tord reassures you what to do if things go wrong

And Tom convinces you they won't

But which is better?

I want what's best for you.

Asha nodded, content with what he said.
She walked back to the bike, which now had 0 training wheels.

She hopped back on the bike, as Tord held it steady and balanced.

Her helmet rested on her head, and her elbow and knee pads comfortably on.

"Ready?" Tord asked, looking down at her.

Asha pondered for a moment, before looking up and saying one thing.

"Hair Horns!" She exclaimed, smiling.

Tord laughed, smiling and removing the hood from his head, revealing his trademark hair.

"Alright," He said, gathering Ashas focus back to the current task. "Are you ready now?"

Asha nodded her head, as if she didn't want to waste her breath on words.

Tord looked up for a second, seeing Tom looking from a distant.

he didn't want Tom to be distanced from Asha, while trying to distance himself from Tord.

She shouldn't be involved.

"Tom!" He called, catching the boy's attention.

Tom looked over, surprised and confused. Tord motioned For Him to come over with his hand while Asha looked intently at the road ahead of her, determined.

"Put your hand on the right handle, I'll stay here on the left, we both fast walk and let go when she starts pedaling," Tord began to explain, Asha listening in too for directions.

"When we let go, we stay walking by her on each side, so no matter which side she starts tilting over to in the case that she falls, we can catch her."

Tom took in everything, but his expression remained confused. "I thought you were gonna teach her." Tom said, as he lowered to put his left hand on the right handle.

"I am," Tord confirmed, looking forward.

"And I'm gonna teach her with you by her side."

And he began to count down
And Tom's thoughts came in with each number.

"1."

I hate how your so nice to me.

"2."

It confuses me.

"3."

You confuse me.

And they started at a quick pace, after a few seconds, they could see Asha was used to the pedaling. Soke followed behind closely, but giving them space.

And finally,

They let go.

And she was fine.
She was pedaling.
She was okay.

"Picture picture!" Tord screeched, while they both ran to keep up with Ashas excited pace.

Tom fumbled with his phone, getting a few decent photos and an accidental 5 second video.

"Slow down-" Tom advised, seeing that Asha was going too quickly out of adrenaline.

And then, quite unfortunately, she fell.

The bike leaned and slumped over on Tord's side, due to a rock in the way, Tord didn't expect her to fall due to her getting the hang of it so quickly, so he fell back on the cement, Asha falling over him and the bike slanted on them both.

Tom nearly tripped, screeching to a sharp halt when he saw them fall,

Now sitting up, Tord sighed in relief to the sound of laughter from the little 9 year old.

Tom came walking over, smiling and taking a photo as soke neared everyone with popsicles

Tord winced at the small cuts on his fingers, Tom neared him with bandaids he packed just Incase.

Tord had been looking at the blood start to gradually seep out, feeling something fade away,

But it was covered by a soft and gentle bandaid Tom has wrapped around snug.

They looked at each other, and it was an unspoken thank you.

And then Tom looked away.

Asha had been laughing with her eyes closed, too focused on her happiness to look around, and when she opened them, with the look of pure enjoyment and the stars in her eyes, she said one word that every child loved.

"Again!"

Tom thought of something.

Training wheels are an example of comfort
Safety
And the past.

And here, taking off those training wheels, and riding straight into the unknown

It was not a completely smooth ride
She fell over
And she got hurt

But
Through it all
She looked up,
She was hurt
But she was smiling

And she would do it all
Again.

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Notes
Y'all are gonna beat my ass about this chapter and I know it lmao

Btw there's wordplay in here so maybe look for that idk

Also this is 18049 words in this which I don't feel like retreading to check for grammar so
Idk

Haha rip I'll do it later ehhhh
The banner was done by hi_gay_im_dad UwU please go check them out, they did a wonderful job!

Friendly reminder! For Him has now reached 92.2K and the contest ends at 100k, so make sure you submit your entries soon, buddies.

Now, fanart UwU

This is from @megaboi29 on insta

Thesw two are done by WritingTrash101 UwU

These two were done by @10987654321h on insta UwU

I believe these were done by pastellattetea on Wattpad UwU their stickers by the way!!! Which is hella cool and cute and I need them n o w

These two are from TinFloiboi on Wattpad UwU UwU UWUWUWUWU

This one (it's my new persona by the way) was done by hi_random_arts on Instagram uwuwu

And this was an art trade I did with @_seven_alice_ but I thought I'd include it UwU

I loved all of these so mUch like fr
I could fucking cry

ALSO!
I have started a COMIC SERIES named False Shards!
Basically it's Eddsworld Gem AU UwU
I have already uploaded 40 panels of this comic so you should go check it out!

There's already a lot of wonderful fanart I've received and we have a voice actor UwU yeysysys who dubbed the first 40 pages! I link the video to the dub there, so you should check it out!

The Asks won't update yet because there's not a lot of questions for me to call it a question bomb, so go ahead and ask away until I decided

"Yep, this is a fucking explosion time to answer this shit hehe"

I meant to have that Pluto scene in Something's Forming but I forgot, and ironically, while writing this chapter, I was told Pluto was reclassified as a planet, and the person who told me literally has no idea that i was writing this, so, w o w

Haha that Pluto thing I head btw was like a month ago sorry I got hit with a lot of overwhelming emotional disturbance and over planning my life lmao

Anyways yeah

I wrote large portions of the next chapter randomly so it currently has 4,000 words which is a nice head start for me, uploads are gonna get back on schedule soon lmao, be patient though, I am writing 15,000 per chapter.

Also,

DO NOT COMPARE THIS BOOK TO YANDERE SIMULATOR

it's not an "omg don't tell ppl I'm unoriginal" thing, no I don't give a shit about that lmao

It's because when you say that, people assume that Tord is basically a carbon copy Ayano

Here's the difference

Ayano was emotionless her whole life
She had no bad past
Nothing holds her back from murder

Tord was not emotionless his whole life
He had emotions, but they weren't complete
He just felt like a regular person existing, and he didn't feel a purpose
He has a fucking shit past
His past creeps up on him when he least wants it and holds him back , while he does have his empty moments, keep in mind, sometimes he does and will get held back due to his feelings.

They are not the same, let's make it clear, because i don't wanna hear stuff like

"This doesn't sound like a yandere :/ Ayano does this-"

Like
No
Shut your fuck lol
Shush.

They aren't the same and aren't ever gonna be the same

Remember what Laddi said in Familiar Stranger

Tord was supposed to be fully emotionless like Ayano
But his other parent had unknown emotional genes that fought with his red eye trait
So he's a combination of both

Basically
He's unstable insanity
Or in other words
He's Tord
Not Ayano

If you have any Cquestions please ask lol

Thank you for reading and following the development of For Him!
Cya next chapter!
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