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Originally published: 13th September 2020

Two days later, Zafar Bhai drove me to the airport with Hania. He didn't think it was a good idea for Fawad to come, or to even drop us off. 

I apologised genuinely to Dadi and Nilofar Phupho before I left, and then as I came downstairs, Fawad was standing outside the room, holding onto Hania, looking at her as if he was unsure that he'd ever see her again.

"Zafar Bhai's waiting outside." I said, tonelessly.

"Yes, the luggage is already in the car." He didn't look up at me. He kissed Hania's forehead, staying like this for a few moment, as if letting her go was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do in his life. I reached out for her, but he shook his head. "I'll bring her to the car, don't worry." 

We stared at each other for a few moments, a lot of words left unsaid between us: apologies, expression of our love for each other, and so, so much more. I broke away first, walking into the room to grab my bag and Hania's baby bag. 

"Allah Hafiz. Apna khayal rakhna." He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.

*Translation: Take care of yourself.

"Aap bhi. Allah Hafiz." I said, softly, as we walked out.

*Translation: You too.

Seriously. That's all we exchanged, a kiss on the cheek.

"If you don't mind, I'm going to sit in the back, Zafar Bhai." I said as we approached his car. It didn't feel right for me to sit in the front passenger seat next to a man who was not my husband.

"No problem at all." Zafar Bhai replied. 

I looked at Fawad, my eyes probably filled with longing. I wanted to throw my arms around him, apologise and not go. I didn't want to leave him at all, not even one percent. Why did I do this?

"Keep me updated, in transit and when you land." He said, looking at me intensely. He then glanced down at Hania. "Meri jaan, Mama ka khayal rakhna. Unay mujhe zyada miss na karne daina, okay?"

*Translation: Take care of Mama. Don't let her miss me too much, okay?

I was this close to bursting into tears, so I turned away, dropping Hania's baby bag and my own bag into the back seat before sliding in. He kissed Hania's cheeks, her forehead, and again her cheeks, before handing her over to me.

"May Allah protect you both." He said. 

"May Allah protect you as well." I gave him a small smile, before he closed the door. I put my sunglasses on, even though it was early morning and the sun was barely up. I wanted to hide my tears from everyone.

Zafar Bhai shook Fawad's hand, before getting into the driving seat. We drove off down the uneven residential roads towards the main road.

There's a reason why Ammi says that you shouldn't part ways while angry. Life is unpredictable, so you should always part ways with your loved ones without holding any grudges. 

I wish that I'd listened to her. I wish that I had set my pride aside and had apologised to him, and had stayed behind to work on fixing the issues in our relationship.

But in the end, that's all you're left with: wishing that you'd behaved differently, or the 'what ifs'.

****

I had imagined that Fawad would be with us on Hania's first flight. I myself was anxious when it came to take off, plus she would start crying like the other babies and children do, due to the unusual sensations they feel in their ears. He would have calmed her down. He would have calmed me down.

My airport experience wasn't as bad, because Zafar Bhai used his authority as a policeman to warn the porter to get me through easily and without a hassle. And once we had checked in, a couple of nice security ladies helped me through security as Hania was fussing again.

Once we were through security, and I was walking to the boarding gate, I realised the severity of what I'd done. I was happily married, with a beautiful daughter, and a husband who take care of even the most basic of my needs, like that snack bag. Allah, I've been such an ungrateful wife. I wish I could time travel back to that day and hit my past self in the back of the head for acting like an immature brat. Fawad had given me unconditional love, and I'd broken his heart and left with his daughter, for the second time.

He had been right. Saira Phupho had continued to do our work, even when things got bad between us. She had still cooked meals for us, did our laundry and even cleaned our bathroom- yes, that's right; she cleaned our bathroom. I should have tolerate a few harsh words in return, as well as for Fawad's sake. Maybe I had overreacted, and now it was too late to fix it. 

Hania was happily people-watching from her pram, oblivious to what had happened. If she was older, she would have hated me. I'm more than a hundred percent sure that she would end up being a Daddy's Girl, and she would have been really upset with me for taking her away from her Papa.

I sat down at the boarding gate, and pulled out my phone, expecting calls or messages from him, but there was nothing. Tears filled my eyes as I realised how badly I'd effed up our perfect relationship.

I gently spoke to Hania as we waited to board. When it was time, I used the priority lane to board, and picked up Hania as one of the gate agents helped me fold up the pram to take it to the aircraft hold. 

As the plane took off, I stared out at Lahore, where the city was just waking up and starting its day. Tears slipped out of my eyes as a deep, dark feeling enveloped me. I wanted to cry like Hania was crying right now, I wanted to scream and beg the pilots to return back on the ground so that I can run home to Fawad. 

What have I done?!

****

The clouds seemed to gently brush the wings of the plane as the plane continued its way towards Doha, our transit destination. Hania was asleep in her special bassinet in front of my seat, and I was stretched out on the almost flat bed. I had taken a short nap after the breakfast service, but I had been haunted by nightmares of separating from Fawad. Now I wrapped up warm in the blanket provided by the airline, and sighed. 

I was looking forward to seeing Elena, of course, but there was a troubling feeling at the back of my mind, something that I couldn't quite figure out.

As I closed my eyes again, Hania started crying. Frowning, I sat up and found her getting red in the face from crying so hard. "Jaan, it's okay. Mama's here." I took her into my arms. She was fed and her nappy had been changed, so I didn't understand why she was crying. "Hania, meri jaan, it's okay. Shhh..." 

I tried everything, rocking her, cradling her, every single thing, but nothing seemed to work. I was starting to have a panic attack as I felt the other Business Class passengers staring at me, annoyed. I got up and took Hania to the galley, pacing around. One of the cabin crew members kindly offered to hold her, and softly sang to her until she calmed down.

"Some mother I am, huh?" I laughed, sarcastically.

"First time flying with the baby?" She looked at me, sympathetically.

I nodded.

"That's okay." She gave me a warm smile. "Travelling is stressful enough, but first flights with babies are the hardest."

"Thank you." I said, as she handed Hania back to me.

"Don't worry about it." She said. "Let me know if I can help again. I have three younger siblings, and I've helped my mother deal with all of them at some point." 

I returned to the seat with Hania, but even though she stopped crying, she remained restless for the rest of our journey to London.

I couldn't help thinking that she was missing her father's presence. Allah, I hope she doesn't get sick from missing him too much.

I don't know about babies, but Ammi told me that when I was really small and when Papa used to go away for a while, I used to get a fever because I'd been missing him too much. I'd been too attached to him and I hated it when he went away.

Zafar Bhai had advised that I stay put in London for a while, but I was already planning to change my return flight to something earlier. 

****

Fawad's POV

I was still at work when I received Jasmina's message that they had landed safely in London.

'Alhumdulillah'. I sighed in relief as I read it. Apart from the whole major argument factor, I was glad they were in London because they were safer there.

I finished work at one in the morning and arrived outside Dadi's house at around one thirty in the morning. I got out of the car with a yawn, and locked it. As I turned to walk towards the narrow alley leading to Dadi's house, I stopped short. Some figures were moving towards me from the darkness.

"Dr Fawad Ali. Finally." An unfamiliar, raspy voice said. I couldn't see any of their faces, but clearly they were not friendly.

"Zafar is the dumbest policeman we know." Another one said. "His trips to this house had led us to you. He didn't think that we wouldn't know about your family connection? Jasmina's Nand's husband and all?" 

Someone grabbed the back of my neck from behind and pushed me down onto the hood of my own car, taking me by complete surprise. I struggled to free myself, but there were just too many of them.

"Tie him up." The first guy said. "Sarmad Bhai would be pleased with us." 

"Don't you think we should kill him and show Ahad how serious we are?" Another one suggested.

"Or... don't you think you should shut up and let people with brains do the thinking? You a**, if we kill him, we won't be able to get Ahad to do what we want." The man sighed. "He's being a pain by struggling too much. Just knock him out, but don't kill him, for f**k's sake." 

Ya Allah, thank you for taking Jasmina and Hania away from here. I thought, just as I felt a sharp pain at the back of my head, causing me to black out.

****

Surprise! Bonus chapter with a major twist that will change everything. (And you'll probably hate me for it!)

You know how it is said that you don't realise the value of something until it's gone? Will Jasmine realise how lucky she was when she faces a major loss?

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