noun ~ a feeling of fear or agitation about something that may happen

NOVA

"Are you sure you don't mind?" I wondered.

"Nova, please. What's the worst that could happen?"

Basking in a flood of postpartum anxiety, I force my lips to close. There were a lot of things that could happen to babies, choking, suffocation, falls...

"You promise?" I mumbled.

"Nova, Sean has this. He and Rose have done this before." Phoenix reassured me.

Rose wrapped her hand around my cheek and I blinked across at her. Her face softened with sympathy as her thumb stroked beneath my eye.

"We got this, Nova. You know we do." She told me. "Please, just enjoy yourself for a few hours."

Inhaling at her calming voice, I nodded. "Okay."

Rose's smile broadened, and her hand dropped from my skin. Carefully, I passed her Annabelle, who gurgled up at Rose with interest. Rose had this strange aura around her that even I could not explain. She was calm, collected, and level-headed. I found sometimes I could talk to her about anything, and other times I was just glad to sit beside someone and not talk. Rose got it. Rose understood. I was glad she was my gamma female.

"See you two later." Sean smiled, pulling me in for a one-armed hug.

I rubbed his back and nodded. "Yeah, you will."

He chuckled, the hand on my back pushing me toward Phoenix. My eyes widened when I spotted Phoenix already waiting, taking over from Sean and guiding me out of their house. I waved goodbye over their shoulders, my eyes dropping to the twins in their arms. Once the doors shut behind them, I huffed softly and stared out at the grass.

"Their new cabin is nice, isn't it?" Phoenix spoke.

I swallowed the lump in my throat when he held out his hand. Taking it softly, the largeness squeezed me softly before pulling me from their front step. I felt the motherly bond tug at me as I focused on it, but with a calming breath, I pushed it a little further back into my mind.

"Yeah, how many are unoccupied now?" I wondered.

"About six." He shrugged.

"They've just been sitting there this whole time?" I asked.

"Sure have." He grunted, tugging me through the trees. "We abandoned them when the last sprouting of babies grew up. They were always 'family homes' when I was a kid."

"Why was there such a gap in babies? I remember you said before, people just stopped?"

"Not that exactly." He pursed his lips. "When I turned eighteen, I knew what I wanted from this pack. Built from the ideals my father gave me, this pack was to be a warrior pack. That is what he wanted, and being so naïve, that's what I made it. We became the King's warrior pack to the point people feared us. Our reputation spread far and wide."

I nodded. "I remember when I heard about you."

"You do?" He mused. "How terrible I was?"

"Basically." I laughed. "You did not forgive or forget, and those that crossed you regretted it. Oh, and you killed packs."

He snorted a laugh. "Crescent Moon? Rogues took them down, you know that. The entire pack was obliterated. I should've seen it coming, really. That was the first major thing that the rogue coup did."

My head dropped, staring at the muddy ground as we strolled. It was strange how it was only a year ago, and yet it felt like so much longer. So many things could happen in a year, so many things could change in a matter of minutes. Meeting Phoenix and shifting was the cataclysm I needed to be free.

"My dad even told me you killed an omega for making your drink wrong." I deadpanned. "It took me a few months to realise that the omega was Alex, and you made him a warrior."

Phoenix's eyes sparkled. "Is that when you realised I wasn't the big bad wolf?"

I laughed, shaking my head. "I knew that long before. You just were too stubborn to open your mouth and tell me what was going on."

"I'm working on it."

I pulled him to a stop. "I think you've accomplished it."

"You praise me, my love."

My heart softened as he kissed me softly. I grinned up at him when he pulled away, and we continued to walk. I thought about Alex, and his gentle soul and bright laughter. How Sophie was his true mate and rejected him for power. Alex didn't deserve that; he didn't deserve to be mistreated because of what he was born as. What you turn out to be is who you are. Your past does not define you.

I wondered whatever happened to Sophie. The last we heard about her, she was running rogue. Alex's death must've turned her feral, because Sophie hated being in the woods. Despite being a wolf, she hated dirt and running. I wonder if she even survived Alex's loss.

"So, what if someone found their mate?" I continued, trying to stop myself from becoming too emotional.

"Females would leave but given the choice to stay. If they wanted a family, they left." Phoenix murmured. "They didn't want to raise a child in a pack built on strategy with no time for personal things."

That's fair enough. I wouldn't want my kids to be raised in a place with little emotion, either.

"You've come pretty far then." I commented.

"Have I?"

"Sure." I shrugged. "You accepted that being a warrior pack isn't all it's made up to be."

"That's because you came into my life."

"There was a lot of training in the beginning." I grimaced. "I never felt my thighs burn so much. You did not make it easy."

"Speaking of training, Sean says you're doing well."

"You keeping tabs on me, Alpha?"

He grinned, squeezing my hand. "I know everything you do, my love."

"Creep." I snorted a laugh.

He chuckled, pulling me into his side and wrapping his arm around my shoulders. My body bumped into his side, and I dropped my head to stare at our legs walking in tandem.

"How is it?"

I shrugged, bashful. "I'm trying."

"Try is all you can do, my love." Phoenix sighed softly. "You went through a lot. Don't expect so much."

Did Sean tell him I grew frustrated?

I frowned. "I feel weak."

I needed to be strong. I had to protect my babies.

"You are not weak. You have an entire pack at your disposal. You have me, you have your wolf."

But what about me? What if I am alone without Cel again? Then what? I could barely protect myself, could barely run away from trouble if it came toward me. I was small; with not a lot of weight or height to help aid me. I knew defence, but what strength did I have against a group? Or a weapon?

I shook my head when I found Phoenix in my mind, clearing him out of there.

"Is that what you think about?" He wondered, confused. "Nova..."

"I can't help it." I insisted, stepping away from him. "My... my fear, my worries... I can't stop thinking about it, Phoenix."

He sighed, sadly looking down at me. I wrapped my hands around my torso, looking away from his sympathetic gaze. His hand came out to reach me, and I stepped away, shaking my head.

"Nobody gets it." I mumbled.

"Nova, please." He whimpered. "Don't push me away."

I blinked, looking up from the hole I burnt into the ground with my glare. His eyes were sad, pleading, and his arm still half-way towards me. I felt immediately guilty, to the point Cel stirred from her slumber and whined at me.

I apologised softly and Phoenix sighed, stepping closer to embrace me. Still wrapped around myself, he pressed me into his chest. His chest rose and fell beneath my cheek, his heart thudding softly in his chest. I frowned, closing my eyes as I listened to the comforting beat.

Without warning, Phoenix lifted me from the ground. I gave him my best scowl, but did not protest out loud. He was warm and comforting, and I rested my head against his shoulder. He kissed my forehead before continuing to walk.

"Why are you carrying me?" I wondered.

"To lift the sadness from you."

"I don't think it works like that." I laughed softly.

We ended up near the pack house gardens, and Phoenix set me down on a bench amongst the wilted flowers. I stared down at them with a frown, seeing how harsh the winter had been.

"I need to get back into the garden." I muttered.

"April is the perfect month." Phoenix hummed.

He sat beside me, arm falling on the back of the bench and one leg crossed over the opposing knee. Facing me at an angle, he cocked his head before dragging me to his side.

"It will be May by the time I get everything delivered." I muttered.

"Then expedite it." Phoenix chuckled. "Or go into shops and get it all."

My nose wrinkled at the thought of going to the square and shopping. I haven't been there in months, and being so far away from home set me on edge.

"Why are you so worried?" Phoenix wondered.

"Huh?" I frowned.

He pressed a finger into the centre of my forehead and I relaxed my expression when I realised what he was poking at. Taking his hand from my face, I looped my fingers through his on my lap.

"I don't know." I admitted. "I just feel on edge a lot."

"It's probably the hormones?" He suggested.

"Maybe." I mumbled. "I just feel..."

I trailed off, uncertain if I wanted to go down this hole.

"Feel like what? Please, you can tell me." Phoenix almost pleaded.

I sighed, gazing down at where my hand laced with his. "I feel like I'm alone in this world."

"How so?"

"I dunno, I guess just un-relatable."

"About being a mum?"

"I suppose." I shrugged, playing with his hands. "It's silly. I recognise Kate and Molly are both new mums too, and that helps a lot with getting things off my chest. But there's so much more I'm trying to juggle, I can't help feel like... nobody relates."

"Is this about being the luna?" Phoenix asked softly.

"That and I can't help but think about people that want to hurt my family." I admitted. "I think about it every night, that someone is going to come and hurt them."

His grip tightened on my shoulder and hand. "Nobody ever would."

"Not stopped them getting close to one of us before." I deadpanned.

Phoenix sighed. "I know. But these are ours kids we're talking about. They have our family, friends and the entire pack looking out for them. Nothing will happen to them. Not while I'm around."

"Nothing is promised, Phoenix." I muttered.

"I know." He mumbled. "But we can't live in fear, Nova. Most of the threats are just empty words because people feel threatened by my power. If I was king, it would be no different. Wolves aren't happy with not being the top dog. There is always going to be some stupid wolf biting the ankles of those more powerful."

"Have they settled down?"

"Most have." He nodded. "I phoned a few, calmed their worries. Some still are not happy with me not being king, claiming Alexandar is pointless."

"What does he say about it?"

"I haven't spoken to him recently." Phoenix shrugged. "I've been busy catching up on all the paperwork Charlie could not organise properly."

I laughed softly. "You are a caveman with all your paperwork. There's hard drives now, you know."

"Paper is safer." He shook his head.

"Okay, caveman." I grinned.

He growled low, pinching my tummy. "Shush you."

My giggles softened, my eyes falling to the empty soil. My mind wandered, staring at the dirt, the brown canvas waiting for a splash of colour. It reminded me of what we once said; everything needs a little watering and time. Perhaps time was all I needed to calm my thoughts. Time may be an enemy, and tomorrow may not be promised, but at least I know the sun will rise no matter what.