112320

When I first opened the journal, there were lyrics, melody sketches, and other various notes. It looked like a planner at first glance, with a musical kick. I could feel his passion for the subject. It seemed to infest every page.

But, that wasn't exactly what I had been looking for, or hoping for. For one, his musical inclination was a beautiful part of him that I missed, a lot. Two, it wasn't what I wanted to see at the moment. I wanted details of his life he'd closed off from me.

I continued to flip through the pages, scanning the words quickly with my eyes, until a familiar word caught my attention. I stopped scanning, and started reading.

July 4, 2016

Today, I worked harder than ever in filming for our music video. I'm not sure how much longer I can make it. We're warned more about Big Hit Entertainment, and their only current band, BTS. They're a threat. My brother's experience is starting to show up. He's been keeping track of the band's whereabouts, and I believe he's got an upper hand. I've even heard more about the band's adopted sister, Sujin.

Wait. I was confused.

A threat?

A double glance at the date helped me realize this was before I had met him.

I tried to dismiss my confusion for a moment, and flipped forwards a few pages. This one was dated for August 18th, the day we met for the first time at the cafe he worked in.

Kim Sujin. The nice young lady whose 'brothers' I'd put my own hyung onto to study. We've been watching her for a while, too. The competition for a spot in the music industry is getting harder. It sounds like she'll be attending SOPA, as I am. I don't see how she can get so much popularity off being the adopted sister of a boy band. They're not even the most popular, either. She's adding more competition to what I already feared BTS's threat would be to my fame...

So he had been jealous.

I stopped reading to think for a second. Could anything that happened between us have been because of this? Could he have done what he did... because of this? Because of me?

In the few seconds I thought, things were popping up in my head, and possibilities didn't add up in my head. But, there was more to read, and I needed more information before I continued to make inferences.

When I looked at Suho, his brows were raised as he studied the pages. I continued to move onward, trying not to let him see something that would make him stop me.

As I flipped through the pages, I decided to get a little deeper into the timeframe when we were getting to know each other more.

The odd thing was how the journal was pretty trashed. Not just from the rain. Pages were ripped, halves were gone, and large chunks of text were scribbled out with black marker. Ink bled through in plenty of places, marking out his neat and bold handing writing.

Aug 30, 9 pm

First date. It went well. I think I've got her wrapped around my finger nicely. She's cute, but vulnerable. I can't believe how easy it might be to steal her heart. This might not be as hard as I thought. Our relationship is getting stronger. Yes, I even have some feelings for her. But that won't stop my goal....

Sujin got her first few company offers. I might already be in a company, but the amount she got today is crazy. I believe I made her feel bad for me, but that's fine. Maybe it'll help her stay in the low, stay away from wanting the fame and life of an idol. Not that she's that talented anyways....

August 31, 2016

Wow. She is sure something. A nice girl to hang around, a little company, someone I know I easily fooled. Sure, she's cute and all, but I just don't think I'd actually date her for that reason.

But again, I can easily fool her. It makes me feel better about myself. I'm a great actor. So, we hung out more today. She's head over heels for me and it's hilarious-

"No. Stop reading that," Suho said, swiping the book away from me and closing the leather around it. "I never want you to pick that up, ever again."

"Wait, Suho, hold on. Did any of that make sense to you?"

He glanced at me as he secured the book shut. "Suho, did you see what he was saying? Why would he...Please, I need to know more-"

"You didn't need to know that," he scowled. "All this is going to do to you is make you worse, and I don't want to have to be the one to drag you out of a pit so deep that you can't get out yourself. This book here," he waved lifted it up to show me the front, "will pull you so far down, that I don't know if anyone will be able to bring you back. If it would make you feel better, I can finish going through it before returning it to Jiho's family. But Sujin, I will not let you read anymore of this."

"You can't," I sputtered, "You can't tell me what I can't do. Suho, this is telling me lies. Either he lied in the book, or he lied before, Suho. He never liked me, he- I- I need to figure out which is which. You can't take it away, please."

"I can. Even if you hate me, even if you never want to talk to me again, never see me again, I will. Please, stay safe Sujin. You were a great friend." He was gone with the book before I could even think to stop him.

My mind was frantic the rest of the day.

My heart seemed to beat slowly. Slowly, to the beat of the soft songs I listened to the rest of that day, and the rest of that night as I stared out the window. It was like my answer was out there, waiting for me. I just had to keep watching for it. I couldn't miss it.

I watched everything. The sun setting, the stars rising, the moon glowing.

Though I now knew the consequences of skipping meals, I dismissed the boy's calls to eat, and took my phone, earbuds, and a jacket in hand before creeping out the window and taking a spot on the slightly slanted roof. I'd gone here once, to cry over nothing. But it was ironic. Now that I had something to cry about, I decided to sit in solitude instead.

As I sat there, I imagined Suho walking up to the front door and waiting, checking his watch for precision as he waited for me to arrive.

I also saw Minie, dropping by to give the boys her cosmetology report for the week. Daehyun skipped by, mostly to chat with my brothers about his arriving debut. Even Jiho whisked by the front door. He wasn't smiling.

I stopped when I got to him. What was his goal? To follow Dae, and get some insights on good practices for debut? Maybe he was there to take Minie home. Or... maybe he was even here to pick me up for another night out. Another night of smiles, good conversation, and soft grins, charming kisses, and warm arms to be wrapped inside of.

My hands automatically grabbed the opposite sides of my body where my jacket was, pulling it closer. The wind picked up a little bit, stinging my eyes until they were slightly wet, like dew. I let it build up until a tear slowly rolled down. It fit the feeling I held inside my heart. It was a tiny piece that was being let out.

Once I decided I'd had enough of that, I wiped it away with my sleeve and continued to look at the front door. He'd been there. He'd stood there before.

Maybe the last time he was there, he'd been considering it. He'd been thinking through the consequences- or maybe he didn't even do that. Maybe he'd decided, no matter what, it'd be worth it.

I wondered if he knew it was the last time he'd be there, when he stood at our porch. I wondered why he'd left the journal there, and what he'd thought would come from it.

But then my heart sank even more. That was where the real heartbreak was, the real shattering. The piece of glass I'd become was even tinier now. There were more of them, more room to hurt someone. More pieces to prick more fingers and distribute the pain.

It was sore. The knife in my heart hadn't moved, I was mostly sure. If it had, it'd been pushed further in. I'd been feeling the pain too long to notice, or even care.

I leaned back against the exterior of the dorm, and watched as the moon kept rising. With my jacket comfortably covering my whole torso, I started to close my eyes. Slowly, I escaped the world. I escaped the pain.

-

A few foggy sounding taps on glass woke me. When I opened my eyes, Taehyung was crawling through my now open bedroom window, and was taking a seat next to me on the roof. In his right hand, his bed comforter was rolled up. Without a word being spoken, he unraveled it and placed it over me, before climbing in under it himself. I glanced at him for a second before leaning my head back on the exterior of the house and continuing to watch the passing cars in the busy city I could see from up here.

My brother took his arm and wrapped it around my shoulder, pulling me on top of him, so he could lay his chin on the top of my head. The comforter was pulled up closer to us, so only my head was peeking out of the ethereal warmth inside.

"You scared me a little bit, when I saw you were out here. I wasn't sure what you were doing."

"Sorry."

"Don't be. Just don't... try anything."

Actually, the thought had crossed my mind a few times. If Jiho could do it, maybe I could too. I just didn't know how he'd done it. Yet.

In the absence of my response, my brother continued, "It alarmed us when we saw Suho leave so abruptly. I understand that you two probably aren't in the best state at the moment, but you need each other, hm?"

I wrapped my arms around Tae's torso and squeezed. Yes. I did need Suho.

"I think he's mad at me now, and it feels so sucky. I feel like I messed up. How could I have done that? I'm at the point where I just keep losing everything and everyone, and it doesn't matter anymore. I feel like I could lose everything, and it wouldn't matter. I've already lost so much."

Taehyung's grasp on me shifted as he ran circles on my back with one hand. "You don't have to worry about having lost so much."

"How? I have."

"Tell me about it, then."

I did. I explained everything, from finding Suho at the porch to what Jiho had said in his journal. He listened the whole time, nodding occasionally.

"You're saying... Jiho said in his journal he was tricking you? Lying? So what were all of those dates and hanging out after school?"

"They were nothing, Tae," I said through gritted teeth.

"I don't get it. That sounds like a tough one, I won't lie." He was silent for a moment. "Do you really believe that?"

"No, Tae, I- I don't know." I ran my fingers through my hair. "I would be able to know better if Suho let me read more of the journal. That's why I feel so stuck. I don't know whether to believe it or not." After a moment of silence, I continued in a softer voice, "I'm not just going to just let it go, though."

"Good," he assured me, "that's good. Suho's always been... right? He's always been the one to be there for you, and though he can be... concerning sometimes, he's never been a Jiho."

"He hasn't. He thinks I think he is, though."

"Aw, Sujin," he sighed, sitting up, "that sounds like something we should deal with in the morning, hm? I... I'd love to offer help in any way you can think of. But I think you need rest."

I nodded, and sat up while pushing the blanket off of me and standing shakily on the roof. "Thanks for listening. It's kinda late now."

"It's fine, do you think you'll be able to fall asleep well?"

"Don't know."

He opened my window, and crawled inside before helping me do the same.

He told me to get him if I needed anything, so I said I would, and that I was going to shower before heading to bed. After a hug and a few kisses, he left me to do as I said. But later, as I climbed in bed, the first pump, pulse of wanting some more company came through. For the first time since Jiho had left me alone, I really wanted to be with someone else. I didn't want to be alone this time.

Slowly and quietly, I crept out of bed and down the hall before entering Taehyung's room. He was scrolling through social media feeds on his phone, and looked up when I entered.

"Actually, there is something I need."

"Hm?"

With a small smile, I padded to his bed, and opened the covers to show him I wanted to join. He scooted over without hesitation, and I laid on my side facing him.

"Taehyung, I love you. Maybe it doesn't matter if Jiho loved me or not. I loved him, so there's that. But I also love you."

"That's good, because I love you too, Sujin." His bangs fell into his crystalline eyes as he spoke. "You're the best little sister in the world. You have a lot to learn, and lots more room to grow, but I'm more than thankful I get to help you with that."

"I'm more than thankful you get to help me with that, too."

"Let's start by making sure we get a good night's sleep then, hm?"

I nodded, and pulled up the sheets around us as I crept closer to his heat. "Everyone starts somewhere."

--

As we sat around the circle table at the restaurant we had selected for the next evening, the eight of us took our food and placed it cautiously on the stove to cook ourselves. The boys immersed themselves in conversation over the upcoming Busan One Asia Concert, and I zoned out, drowning their voices with my thoughts. I was too tired to try and include myself in the conversation, anyways.

Jungkook, who was to the right of me, plated his pieces of meat before picking up his steak knife.

The knife.

My eyes shut gingerly, as what Daehyun had told me months ago still lingered.

I couldn't help but be reminded of the second friendship I'd lost in the past week. It was still slowly biting at me, so I turned to Taehyung who was to the left of me, told him what I was doing, and excused myself from the table.

As soon as I got outside, I took my phone's shortcut to the phonebook, where I rolled down my contacts. I didn't let my eyes focus on the names until I got to the S', and then found the name I was looking for.

My finger hovered over the call button, as I debated what I was going to do. I wasn't sure where he lived, but I also didn't want to make it that much less sincere by just saying everything on my mind over the phone. When I remembered Taehyung's words about it being unhealthy, having another broken relationship to mend later, I decided it was worth it.

I tapped the screen lightly, and then held up the device to my ear as my heart pounded. I'd never felt so uncomfortable trying to talk to my best friend.

The phone rang for a mediocre amount of time, but it was enough to make me wonder if he wasn't going to pick up. I was about to start thinking through whether he would do it on purpose, or because he was busy. When I pulled the phone away to end the call, I saw it had already started. After waiting a few seconds to see if he'd say hello first, I put the phone back to my ear and started.

Eyyy, I hope you enjoyed the update! I can't describe my current feels about the story as I work on it. I'm about ten chapters ahead of the updates, and I'm probably going to finish writing the end of the story tonight! I'm super excited, but I'm even more excited to start book three! The boys and Sujin are going to be travelling a majority of the book, so it's definitely going to be a lot different than these last two books, and I'm so so excited to move on!

Also my Wattpad anniversary is this Thursday! So happy four years of being a Wattpad author to me!

Also, sorry about the late update. I'm pretty sure I got Covid from a friend, and took the test today (results come back in 24hrs), but haven't been feeling so well for the last week, so it was a little hard getting the energy to edit and update today. Sorry about that!

Also, the new album! Eek! Disease and Telepathy are my favorites right now, with Life Goes On and Stay right after that. And I've been learning Blue and Grey on piano, it's so so pretty! I feel like this comeback really brought me closer to the boys in a new way. I love it!

Anyways, please stay safe, healthy, and happy! Stay away from covid! It sucks! See you next week!

Also know that a double or triple update per week might be in the near future... I kinda want to finish this book before 2021, lol. I'll think about it.

-Rose