Katya had no freaking clue what was happening when she opened her eyes. She sat on the forest floor, in the middle of a small clearing, the bright sun filtering through the high trees. The silence was overwhelming. She didn't hear anything but the wind and rustling of leaves.

Confused out of her mind, she wanted to stand up, but her head hurt like a bitch. She hissed and shot out a hand to the back of her head. A bump adorned the back of it, under her brown hair. 

Extra careful this time, Katya scrambled to her feet, slowly turning in her spot. Where was she? But most importantly, what happened? She had her suit on, so this must have been a mission gone wrong. Her first guess was that she passed out. But then why didn't she see any of her teammates? If this was a team mission, they would have never let her lay like this.

In her turning, her eye landed on someone else, a person that had previously been hidden by a bush. He sat on his knees, staring at his hands like he saw them for the first time. None of this felt right. 

''Barnes?'' she questioned.

Bucky looked up from his hands, his long hair following the movement. He had the same confused look in his eyes, like the last five minutes of his life had disappeared. ''Katya? What happened?''

''You tell me.'' It wasn't her that answered, it was Sam, stepping out of the forest, joining their small group. Nobody seemed to know why they were there, why they had passed out collectively and why they had amnesia.

Luckily, a weak Sokovian voice could clarify it for them. ''We were gone.''

Katya's gaze landed on the witch. She couldn't believe she hadn't spotted her before. Wanda sat on the ground on her knees, bent forward like she had kneeled next to someone, but Katya's mind was still empty. 

Wanda clenched her fists, staring at the empty space in front of her. She looked defeated, beaten, not only physically but more mentally. ''Thanos, he snapped his fingers, remember?''

The name of the alien was a trigger to the others, the key to unlocking their memories. A collective gasp echoed in the forest. T'Challa had now also joined their group, his head snapping to the direction of the battlefield. ''Where is he now, where are the others? How did we get back?'' he questioned nobody in particular because nobody had the answers.

Katya felt numb, she remembered everything. She remembered calling out for Natasha after the snap because she felt off. She knew what was going to happen to her after she saw Barnes get dusted. She also knew the last thing Natasha said was that it would be okay, her panicky and anxious green eyes staring down at her as she disappeared.

But Natasha wasn't here, so time must have passed. Maybe a long time. Where was she now? Was she okay, or what did she do, where did she go?

Before Katya could explode in worry, something started to sizzle next to her. The whole group turned to it, muscles tensing and hands reaching for weapons. Ready in case Thanos decided to come back. A portal opened, a yellow border surrounding it. Out came a man Katya had never seen before, which didn't help with the confusion.

''I am Doctor Strange, protector of the Time Stone.'' That ringed a bell. ''You turned to dust five years ago, but the Avengers got the Stones back from the past and snapped again, brining half the Universe back. Now they need your help. Thanos has the Compound under attack, once again threatening half of all living creatures.''

Katya didn't have to think twice. She removed her hand from her gun and stepped towards the portal. She had heard Strange's name before, and his voice and body language told her he wasn't lying. But what he said repeated in her head. 

Five years. Natasha had been on her own for five years. For Katya it felt like a minute, but it must have been torture for her, alone. Luckily enough, Natasha had the Avengers that didn't get snapped, the ones who weren't in their little group just now.

Steve, Tony, Bruce, Clint, Thor.

When Katya stepped through the portal, she landed on an insanely large battlefield. If it weren't for the lake on the other side, she wouldn't have recognized it for what it was: the Compound's grounds. It had been reduced to a pile of smoke and ash, her home.

The first thing she did was look around for Natasha, hoping her red hair would stick out somewhere, but it was too dark and all the people around her obscured her vision. Hopefully after the battle, she'd find her. Natasha would be fine on her own a little longer. This fight was more important.

As the fight continued and Katya fought the aliens, ran over the battlefield and listened to the voices through the comms, she couldn't help but get a strange feeling in her stomach. That gut feeling that told her something was wrong. She didn't see Natasha, didn't hear her. And knowing her, she'd expected her to find her.

That, and Clint couldn't look at Katya. 

The feeling only got stronger when Tony snapped, wishing away Thanos and his army, leaving only the Avengers and allies. Now, she would be able to spot Natasha, right?

But no matter where she looked or walked, she couldn't see her. 

''Clint. Where's Nat?'' she finally asked as Pepper helped Tony up, the fight of their lives finally over. But Katya had no reason to celebrate when Clint sighed, his shoulders dropping. She knew that look. It was the look of someone who bore bad news.

''I'm sorry, Kat,'' he looked her dead in the eyes when he started, gathering all the nerve he had in him. He couldn't believe he was telling her this. ''She said to tell you she loves you, and that it's okay.''

Katya's whole world stopped turning. Nothing worked anymore. Her brain, her heart, her lungs. ''What?'' she breathed, almost inaudible. When Clint did nothing but stare at her, trying to force his tears back, she repeated the question. ''Clint, what happened? Clint!'' Her last word was so loud that it got everyone's attention. Everyone on that battlefield. And weirdly enough, only Peter Quill understood her pain.

''A soul for a soul, that was the deal.'' Clint slowly stepped closer to her, hoping to provide her some support. ''She had to sacrifice herself to get the Stone.''

''No,'' Katya laughed manically, thinking he was joking. ''No, no, no, no.'' But he didn't laugh, only looked at her in pity. So her face fell and tears swelled in her eyes. ''Please tell me you're joking.'' Her voice shook and broke, everyone on that battlefield hearing it loud and clear.

Clint's own voice wavered. ''I wish I was. It was supposed to be me. But she knocked me out and jumped before I could stop her.'' Yeah, that sounded like Natasha. He stepped even closer if that was possible, reaching for her hand. ''I'm so sorry I couldn't save her, Kat.'' He truly was sorry, the worst pain he had ever felt. But Katya didn't want his pity or his pain. She wanted her wife.

Katya ripped her hand out of Clint's, taking a couple steps backwards. ''Don't touch me,'' she hissed angrily, suppressing the sobs while tears ran down her cheeks. She had so much trouble understanding any of it. 

Five years had passed, Natasha was gone. Five years had passed, Natasha was gone. 

She kept repeating those words, but for some reason they felt untrue. Because Natasha was still very much alive only half an hour ago, holding her in Wakanda. Did Katya even wake up, was she still inside the Soul Stone? Or maybe this was another dimension. 

She tried to find other explanations. Anything that would bring her wife back. But Clint's eyes were true. They didn't lie. This was the painful reality of her life now.

''She sacrificed herself so you could live. That was her only wish these past five years, to get you back,'' Clint explained softly, trying to keep the conversation quieter and private. The fighters around them tried to give them that by turning their heads away and averting their eyes. Some cried like her, cried because of her reaction.

''Yeah? Well can she tell me what the use of that is, if she isn't here?!'' Katya screamed, gesturing wildly with trembling hands. She had no control over herself anymore, throwing out all she felt. ''I don't want this without her!''

But yelling at Clint was never a good idea. He mirrored her tone, loud but strict, trying to yell some sense into her. ''She gave you your second, second chance!'' He grew frustrated. His yelling surprised Katya so much that it shocked her out of it. Clint continued much calmer. ''She wanted you to live, to go on without her, be happy. Don't throw that away, don't make her death meaningless to you.''

Katya stared at him, complete silence around her. Shaking her head, she said with uttermost certainty. ''Life without her is meaningless.''

~~~~~

One year later

''I know I don't visit often enough, but I know you never really cared about places like these.'' Katya stood in front of the small grave in the Washington D.C. graveyard, unable to look at the headstone. 

The rain came pouring down, exactly the right weather for a depressing visit to her wife's grave. It clattered on her black umbrella, any drops that managed to sneak through the leaves of the small tree next to her. Katya picked this place because it was so secure, so she could hide behind the tree.

''You said the dead don't hear you anyway and that graveyards are just for the survivors. I never really knew what to believe, I guess I still don't, but I like to have somewhere I can visit you. Even though I'm pretty sure your ghost is standing behind me, following me around the entire day,'' she joked, chuckling sadly. And it was true in a sense. She felt Natasha's presence like she felt her absence. Like she knew she watched over her. 

That gave her a sense of calmness, knowing she was looked after. And the prospects of seeing her again in the afterlife is what got her through the days. Some were much harder than others. The smallest thing had to remind her of her wife and she was gone, couldn't function anymore. 

''I haven't been able to visit Laura and the kids,'' Katya admitted, twisting the ring around her finger. She still wore it. Because she was still Katya Petrova-Romanova, even if her wife was gone. ''I just can't do it, it's too painful. I barely get through the day without crying, but I'm sure you already know that. I just miss you so much, and it doesn't get any better. I guess I'll have to learn to live with this giant hole in my chest, but I can't find a way.'' She swallowed thickly, not caring about the tears that fell onto the damp earth.

''Every morning I wake up and hope you'll be lying next to me. That we can have breakfast together or close our eyes again and fall asleep huddled together.'' The idea painted a faint smile on her lips, but it was gone quickly. ''It took me a while to forgive you for what you did, but I don't want to stay mad at you. I know you did it because you love me, I just wish you were here.''

She took a deep, shuddering breath. ''So to try and forget about you for a couple hours a day, I've been working with SWORD. Monica Rambeau, if you remember her. It's nothing special, the same old job, but it gets me through the day. I take it day by day, hoping I don't drown in grief. I just really miss you and I still love you as much as the last time I saw you.''

Her phone chimed, causing her to jump. It was a message from Monica, telling her she had a mission. ''Duty calls,'' Katya sniffled, stuffing the device in her pocket. She crouched down to rearrange some of the flowers on the grave. ''I love you, always,'' she whispered.

Katya took a deep breath and walked away, silently promising to visit more often. It gave her a sense of peace and made her feel close to her wife. She got in her car and drove away, leaving the yard and the stone that read:

Natalia Alianovna Romanova-Petrova

1984 - 2023

Hero. Friend. Wife.