"Sirius please."

Sirius shook his head rapidly with tears running down his face. He couldn't accept it. Not after what he's done. Remus was only here because be was a decent person. He might have cared but that didn't mean he should.

"Please, Sirius. Please."

Sirius' grip on the railing tightens, his knuckles whitening and fingers digging into the rust.

Incapable of words, Sirius shook his head again. Remus needed to go. He was wasting his time on him who simply didn't deserve it. Sirius was being selfish.

He was so selfish just for existing. For being a fraud. He was worthless and yet here he was, messing with other people's lives, tainting everything in his path even though he knew it was wrong. He should be isolated. He should be tortured. He didn't deserve any mercy. It was laughable to say he was even worth being the scum underneath someone's shoes.

Sirius looked down at the ground. He never really noticed how tall the astronomy tower really was.

down down down down...

'Suicide' seemed so big. Drastic. Unfathomable. He could hardly imagine that's what he was up here to do. The concept seemed fake. What he was doing didn't really count as that...did it? He was doing what was necessary. To rid himself of the world.

"James is coming, yeah? You can see him. Just come back on the other side of the rail..."

Somewhere far away he noticed the absolute desperation is his friend's scared, shaky tone. That didn't matter right now. He needed to get exactly what he deserved. This...this was the only path that he could do good on.

Even death would be too kind for him. He deserved more pain. Or was that also selfish? If he wanted more pain that meant he didn't deserve it but he was was a horrible person so it was just a fact so-

A horrible sob racked through him. It was so noisy. Constant back in fourth. Nothing was ever pleased.

Selfish

Worthless

Disgusting

Burden

Worthless

Burden

Worthless

Burden

You don't deserve to see the light of day.

Rude.

Lazy.

Selfish.

Both hands flew up to his head trying to block it out. He couldn't do it anymore. It was so so so much.

Remus let out a noise of fear as both his hands left anything to keep him steady. One move and he'll be falling to his death.

Good.

"James, Peter, and I. We love you. Please, whatever it is we can help just-" he chokes. Sirius has never heard his voice sound so fragile.

He shouldn't be. Don't deserve it.

He could hear his heavy breathing from his rapid heart. "Whatever it is, we'll help you. I promise."

After a prolonged silence, Remus takes a step forward.

"Don't!" Sirius yelps with his face filled with terror. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

"Padfoot..."

"No!"

Remus raises his hands in surrender.

Sirius stares at the sight. This wasn't right. Everything was wrong. He shouldn't be the one causing pain onto such a kind person.

Softly, he speaks. " You're just too nice. You don't g-" he chokes, "don't understand."

"Please, Sirius, please. Help me understand. I want to help."

Sirius grabs a fistful of his hair and pulls down on it roughly

"No...deserve it...hate- understand."

"You don't deserve it."

"Shut up!"

Remus flinches. Sirius almost vomits.

"You- don't understand! No one...! don't have it...guts. Act on it.... towards me because of it. Too nice to see- but I do! Should be p-" Sirius chokes, trying to make sense of it all. "Punished for it."

"You're....not making any sense, Siri. You're amazing. You don't have a mean bone in your body. You're all jokes and warmth." Remus tries to laugh pathetically wiping his eyes. "You're Sirius Black! A marauder. How could anyone hate you?"

"You should."

Remus falters. "You don't mean that. This isn't you speaking, you have to know that. The Sirius I know-"

"Is rotten."

"No! No no. He's kind, loving, adored-"

It only causes Sirius to cry harder. Remus didn't understand, none of them did. Everyone was too kind to face the truth that he deserved this.

shouldn't be here shouldn't be here shouldn't be here shouldn't be here shouldn't be here shouldn't be here-

He had to do what was right.

Sirius glanced down at the ground again. No, he needed this.

The wind was chill, and the stars above burned with the brilliant sapphire pallor of electric light. He could faintly make out the outline of Canis Major, usually the brightest the sky, now oddly dulled. Or perhaps it was just Sirius's now fucked up brain that saw these things so clearly now.

His parents would finally be proud of him for something at least.

"Padfoot, please listen to me! I don't care what you think, you don't deserve anything like this. You deserve to be happy and loved."

The salty tears the grazed his blotchy face and lips were swallowed back with disdain. His throat was coming sore from the excessiveness of it already.

Remus was finally right. He didn't. This was too easy. He hasn't suffered enough.

"Talk to me." Remus pleads desperately as if he was dying with his own tear stream down his cheeks, his whole face is red. It was all his fault.

"You don't get it." He felt pathetic. He can't even get out anything other than those words over and over. Why couldn't he go away? It's easier for them both.

"I don't but if you give me the chance I'll let you explain all you want. Please."

Sirius's fist clenched. He already had and he rejected it. Said he was wrong of all things. He was so oblivious about how horrible Sirius really was. He had them all fooled somehow.

Imposter.

They wouldn't care about him if he really knew who he was inside. They'll think the same things as he would. They'll understand what he's doing was right.

His foot trembled on the edge. He would allow this one moment, despite how selfish it was, to relish everything. The wholeness of it all. The way the wind nipped at his skin and blew through his shirt. How the starlight tangled through his darken hair so delicately. The rise and pull of his lungs. Alive.

"No!"

The world turned into a blur, and so did all the sounds. The taste. The smell.

Everything was gone.