Jem

“. . . SAID SHE FELT LIKE she couldn’t breathe.”

Ace rattles off, but I stop paying attention. I can’t see anything. Can’t feel anything. All I can remember is the time we brought her home. She was healthier then, and I was at college. When I got back home, she passed out on the floor. And when we got to the hospital, we found out that she was back in remission.

But they managed to get it under control. She’s stable now. Without the hospital’s constant monitoring, her vitals went unchecked. She must have been in a lot of pain to call the ambulance.

“Jem, you there?” Ace asks.

The truth is I knew this would happen. It doesn’t come as a surprise. I knew it from the moment she insisted on leaving the hospital. That whatever chance she had, whatever string she was holding onto, it would wear thin. Quickly.

When she asked to leave the hospital before Christmas, she’d lost so much weight she was unrecognizable. Couldn’t go a while without coughing and was prescribed so many meds it’s practically a morning cocktail.

“Jem?”

“Yeah.” I clear my throat. “Yeah. I’ll call you back. Tell her I’ll be there soon.”

On my phone screen, I notice the missed calls from the hospital. They must have called Ace because he was a frequent visitor. Guilt creeps up on me. In a daze, I pocket my phone.

“Jem?” Indigo’s soft voice breaks the static. “What’s wrong?”

I blink as her wide-eyed face comes into focus. She’s in the hallway. I must have been gone long enough for her to notice. Her presence brings me back. Calms me – like honey for a sore throat.

I swallow. “Ma’s in the hospital. I think I have to leave.”

I walk through the kitchen, where the rest of the family is. Kendall frowns as her gaze follows me. Dad looks at me with brief confusion. Once again, I’m ruining his fantasy of a picture-perfect family. I can feel Indie trail behind me as I walk up the stairs, moving fast.

“I have to get back,” I mutter, “She was all alone. I should have been there. I shouldn’t have left in the first place.”

“It’s not your fault,” she says behind me.

I turn to her briefly. “Yeah? I think it is.”

If she’s struck by my tone, she doesn’t question me for a second. She just nods once. “I’ll go get my stuff.”

I pack up my shit – I didn’t bring much anyway – and leave Indie in the room to get her stuff.

“Jem,” my father hollers as I’m walking down the stairs, turning back to the kitchen. “What are you doing? Sit down for a second.” He starts prepping another burger. “You’re only having one? When you were in high school you could have four of these.”

He pauses, noticing the bag across my shoulder, and a knowing look takes over his face.

I tuck my hands in my pockets. “I have to leave. Ma’s in the hospital.”

His expression falters, but only for a second. I’m expecting some sort of reaction from him – something. Anything. But he just nods. “Okay.”

My blood boils as I set my bag down. “Are you not going to come?”

“I can’t.”

I clench my jaw, meeting his gaze. “Jesus fucking Christ, dad. I’m not asking you to remarry her. I’m just asking you to show some common decency and do something.”

Jo nudges Kendall, who seems to get the idea and they pick up the two girls, who are both confused, dragging them off somewhere in the house where they won’t have to watch the scene play out. They don’t know what’s going on. And I can’t blame them. But my father refuses to explain the seriousness of the situation to them. They just think that their mom’s sick. And that she’ll be coming back soon.

Annoyed, I turn back to my father.

His gaze is flooded with pain, but who knows? I could never get a read on him. People used to say we looked alike, and acted alike, too. To me, we couldn’t be more different. He sighs. “Has it ever occurred to you that I couldn’t visit your mother because it hurt too much?”

I falter, but only for a moment. “That’s a bullshit excuse, and you know it.”

“She’s a black hole, Jem.”

There’s a list of things my father has said and done that have pissed me off, but this has to be close to the top of the list. I grit my teeth, my hands curling into fists at my sides. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“If I see her, I’ll get sucked back in. I won’t be able to leave. That’s how it is, and that’s how it’ll always be,” he says, “I’m sorry, son.”

I scoff.

“Jem,” he placates, “For a long time, your mother was the person I loved most. And then I had you. And Ken. Gigi, Pops. I had to keep living. For you. For the girls. And staying with her, picking her up again and again.” he says, “It was killing me.”

Acid drips from my words. “You’re a fucking coward.”

His fist comes down on the counter, rattling the cutlery. “Enough! That’s enough.”

I’m seething. I’m about to do something stupid, like punch through the wall separating the dining room, but then I glance across the hall, and I see her. Indie is paused at the bottom of the stairway, staring at the scene with her brows pulled together.

Fuck.

I can’t do this.

Cursing under my breath, I ignore my father, walking over to her before taking her bag from her hold and slipping my hand into hers.

I place my lips on her forehead. “I’m sorry.”

She just shakes her head silently, like I don’t have anything to apologize for.

I don’t deserve her. And she doesn’t deserve this. Shit. We just got here and I’m dragging her back and forth like some rag doll. She’s calm, but I can tell it’s doing a number on her.

I hate this. I hate that having her in my life means she has to get mixed up in the bad parts of it. The messy parts. I wish I could just keep her in a box, far away from it all, but I can’t. Obviously. That’s not how it works.

I say bye to the girls and Jo, and the sad looks on their faces tear me up inside. I don’t bother with my father.

The flight is horrible. I’m antsy and impatient the whole time, and while the flight to Houston went quickly when I was talking to Indigo, this one seems to take fucking forever. I can’t seem to find anything to say to her.

In my mind, I can just see my mother, alone in that apartment. She wouldn’t call me because she knew I was going home. And Indie doesn’t say much either, but I figure she just wants to give me space.

When we arrive, I’m out of my seat at the speed of fucking light. Everything goes by in a blur. We get a cab, and when the driver asks for the address, I parrot off Indigo’s.

She looks at me, concerned.

“You sure you don’t want me to come?” she asks.

I shake my head. “You’re tired.” And she is. She has to be. Two flights in one day, not to mention spending time in a new place. She’s probably exhausted. And the fact that she’s willing to come with me warms my chest. But it’s something I have to do alone, anyway. “I’ll text you.”

We reach her place, and there are things I want to say to her, words on the tip of my tongue, but somehow, the time never seems right.

And they seem too little for how I feel for her. In the end, though, she beats me to it.

She gives me a small smile, leaning over to place her lips on the side of my mouth in a soft kiss. “Bye, Jem.”

And then she gets out the cab. I watch as she enters her building, then tell the driver to back up. Now that she’s gone, whatever hold I have on reality, and myself, dissipates. There’s a darkness that settles on my chest like a heavy weight, following me the entire way to the hospital. The cab drops me off outside the hospital and I walk inside, everything moving in an unrecognizable blur around me.

I find Ace in the waiting room.

“How is she?” I ask.

He picks up his head, noticing me. “She’s okay. She was sleeping for a while, so I stepped out.” His gaze drops to the bag slung over my shoulder. “You here straight from the airport?”

“Yeah.”

He nods, huffs out a breath, then slaps his thigh before standing. “We can get something to eat?”

The thought of shoving something down my gullet right now isn’t really all that appealing, so I just shake my head. “Not hungry,” I say, “You should go. I’ll be a while.”

“You sure?” he asks, his brows furrowing.

I nod.

“Okay. Give me your bag. I’ll take it back,” he says, grabbing it from my hold. “Text me if you need anything.”

He walks off, his leather jacket receding into the hallway.

“Ace,” I say, stopping him.

He turns, facing me.

“Thanks.”

He pulls out his hand from the pocket of his jacket to wave me off. “Don’t mention it, man. She’s like a mom to me.”

After he leaves, I glance up at the room. They even gave her the same room.This is all the same. It’s like a cosmic fucking joke. I don’t know why I thought it would be different after she decided to leave. I walk into the room, and she’s awake. But either she doesn’t know I’m here, or she’s ignoring my presence.

“Hey, ma.”

She doesn’t speak to me. The latter, then.

“You aren’t in college are you?”

My chest caves. Who the fuck told her? My first thought is Ace, but there’s no way he would do something like that. He’d never rat me out like that. Ever.

“Your father, he isn’t paying for the hospital fees,” she says, finally lifting her silver gaze to me, “You are. And there’s no way you can be in college and earn enough to pay the bills with a part-time job.”

Maybe she asked around, and one of the nurses or someone from admin told her that the name on the account isn’t my father, but me. Or maybe…

I clench my fists. “Who told you? Was it Dad?”

She just shakes her head, looking like it pains her to breathe. “Why did you lie to me? Why did you do it, Jemmy?”

I swallow. However she found out, she found out. I had to know it would happen some day. A small part of me is relieved that I don’t have to lie to her anymore. “Sorry, ma.”

She huffs a harsh breath. “For what?”

“Lying.”

Her brows pull together. “But not for dropping out? Risking your future?”

I don’t reply, because we both know the answer.

She shakes her head, eyes tearing up as she runs out of breath. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You weren’t supposed to ruin your life for me.”

“I’m not ruining anything,” I grunt, “It was my choice.”

“No,” she says, “it wasn’t.”

“I loved your father. And he loved me. And it was sad and beautiful and tragic. I know you don’t want me to hurt. But you can’t take away people’s pain. You can just stay by their side through it all.”

“And you stayed, Jem. And I’m asking you to leave now. I’m telling you it’s okay to leave.”

I clench my fists around the railing of her bed.

“It’s time to let go, baby. It’s time to live your life. I made the choices I made, and I have to deal with that. I’m sorry I couldn’t be a better mother to you, cause God knows you deserve it.”

Tears blur my vision. “Ma.”

“Your dad and I used to love coming for your basketball games when you were younger, you know? And the very first time you scored, your teammates were all over you, but you weren’t looking at them. You were looking over at us, trying to see if we were proud.”

The tears fall down my face, but I’m too stubborn to make any move to acknowledge them or wipe them off.

“We were proud, Jemmy. Prouder than you’ll ever know. You’re the best son I could’ve asked for. And your sisters love you so much. Their big brother. But you need to do things for yourself. Not for me, or your sisters, or even your dad. Just for you. Be selfish.”

I avert my gaze, tightening my grip on the bed railing. I know, deep down, that she’s right. But it sounds like a parting fucking speech, and I’m not ready to admit that she’s going anywhere yet. She’s not going anywhere.

“For once,” she says, “I’m asking you to be selfish.”