Hey guys, so I have written this after I have "gone off" (off in quotation marks as I am not quite sure if i wanna come back or not) of Hiatus since i did a lot of reflecting on what had happened and I wanted to share why i left

First off, I am so sorry that i left out of nowhere and kind of did it dramatically after having a " dont talk to me PLEASE " status as I was going through a breakdown and didn't want to bring down anyone's mood or contribute to someone else's bad thoughts they could be having.

Now that I have thought over all the things that triggered me into a hiatus , I wanted to talk about them and explain why i left instead of doing it to be dramatic and bring attention to myself

Anyways, this vent could be triggering and I'll try to bold the parts where triggering thoughts could occur, just note that I DID NOT cut myself during this time, wanted to make it clear as I made a promise to someone and I don't break promises.

Why did I leave ?
Stress, bad thoughts, things that happened back in late december 2020 that I won't touch up upon as I dont feel comfortable with it and the ever feeling of loneliness.

Let's start with stress.
School has mainly been the cause of my stress and keeping my GPA at a 4.0 and my grades above 98 has been stressing me out beyond what it should and I have been getting my government grade from a 94 to a 96 though hard work and persistance and Chemistry has been being a pain, especially since at times the subject is often easy but described in confusing ways that doesn't help .

Taking care of my little sisters when my mom leaves for work has also drained down my mood and usually adds to my stress, causing school and home to contribute to this hiatus

Bad thoughts
Things triggering will be put in bold to not make you guys triggered and it will let you know (also will be in bold) when it ends

Let's start with the less triggering thing first, my art.
I always felt like it was awful, the body shape, proportions and everything. I am not really ... The most proudest of my art style and I always think it has flaws. I feel like it takes away from different characters personalities and the uniqueness of what a character will be and act like. I started working on body shapes and making females stand out differently than males but I feel like I am not doing enough .
I feel like my art is plain out terrible , not having any meaning and just flat out being confusing and weird and if it was better I could do all sort of unique stuff that I want to, that I can't do at my level.
I always try to improve and learn about what i am doing and use references, but sometimes... I feel like it doesn't help and makes it come off as boring and repetitive.

Like these :

All of then are standing in place and some of are doing some thing with their arms but it seems... Boring. It makes everything I can't express my characters in the way I want them to and dont seem as creative as some of my other friend's positions they put their characters in and caused an unhealthy reaction of me trying to be as good as my friends and failing miserably.

I feel like my color balance of characters are terrible, that they could be better and multiple times have I wanted to toss this world away and stop doing art forever and getting talked out of doing something I would regret. I feel like this world is just..  Boring for a lot of people and that i force people to read and look at my art. I feel repetitive and that when i get inspired off of something small, I am being a copycat and that this world is trash and the Countryhumans and Hetalia will always be better and my world is a water down version of that. I want to go down deep into the characters so much (I have 14 characters left-) but I dont wanna rush and I have a shit ton of oc chapters to work on —

I wish I could stop screwing my art and making it better for the people who want to be invested into my art, characters and world and make it better because people deserve better than this shitty art that I try to make with all my heart and it seems like I fail at said goal.

I feel self conscious about any of these ideas that I made and sometimes I dont know if anyone will enjoy the said idea that I made and end up feeling bothered or bored of it. I domt ever mean to make people feel insecure or upset at my ideas / drawings and I always want to make sure that people have a positive experience on my account and as being one of my friends but i cant help but feel like a let down since I KNOW I can help a friend with stuff and feel like I've havent helped as much as i could. I feel like whenever i have a bad day, i bring other's moods down and I am a threat to people wanting to feel happy.

And sometimes I feel like my adopts are shit, they're not the best they could possibly be and I wished i could fix my mindset on that. I wished I could get better and make friends instead of seemingly push people away and I feel like I am a pushover when it comes to freaking adopts and how I can be better and I feel like the dates when i choose help ... But i feel like I am forcing people to rush and i dont know a better medium I could do since some people will be interested and some won't .

I feel like i spam people with my art and i feel like I am being showoff and being obnoxious about it. I feel like I should stop showing art all together and focus on being a better friend and start not being so worthless when it comes to my friends

Triggering part coming up
I feel like I am fat and that I should starve myself. I am 5'11" and weigh 142 lbs and everyone around here says that it's a healthy weight, whereas I think the opposite. I think I should force vomit and starve myself even though I promised someone I wouldn't and it's been very hard. I've been kept motivated to eat healthy and not force it up so I don't know where I would be if you weren't around keeping me in check and keeping me on a consistent eating chart and making sure that I feel loved and complimented and trying to take my mind off of the overwhelming thoughts of throwing up and starving myself until my ribs start showing again

I also suffered from depressing thoughts of not being good enough, that I don't deserve anything and that everyone around me hates me. It's been hard to sleep at night without Azzie screeching furiously in my head and making me feel like dog shit to the point of where nobody should be around my negative behavior since nobody deserved to be around a ball of pessimistic energy since I didn't want to make anyone's day worsen as I was degrading myself to the point of calling myself a useless life form.

I feel like I drive people away and I wished I could start conversations and make friends, my anxiety prevents me to do so and I feel like it's a giant problem I want to get over but no matter how I try and try, I feel like I am being a nuiscane, being annoying and that one day, I'll be alone and the failing relationships will be my fault.

I had sketched a lot of trauma and vent art that I am not going to show as trauma art should remain private to an individual since it can trigger others , anyways , I used a lot of negative terms to describe me and it's good to get that stuff off my chest and draw it on paper

After the event that happened back in December 2020, that has happened and has brought a feeling of gloominess among the house at my Moms. Everything used to be loud and chaotic but now ? It's quiet, gloomy and taking a toll on my health and adding stress and stress. I am glad he is getting help for his actions but he will be gone for months and months, meaning watching my little sisters and being there for when he isn't, will make me feel like there's more I could do, more I can do supportively and act like a dad when he isn't there and around. My Mom has been stressed and she has 5 other kids besides me, which is making her feel stressed 24/7 since she has work and I feel like me being moody and feeling inadequate is selfish of me to do as I could be a better son and help out and push my problems to the side. She feels like she isn't good enough and always thinks I am angry at her, which I am not, and makes me wish i could express myself and not deter her mood when i seem like i am angry or upset

I could go on and on and how I felt worthless and alone and how I am a terrible partner and human being and how much I suck at comforting people during vents as it triggers my own situations and problems and I cant help them and afterwards I feel useless and how I could be better and not be worthless but heh, that's another story and another box of worms.

I feel like I can be a better partner, that I am not doing enough to make sure you're alright and I feel like I make you upset at lunch when I am off in "the third dimension" and when I ignore you , I feel like a freaking douche bag. I love you so much and I never mean to make you feel like your problems aren't important as well when i vent and you feel discouraged to vent and I don't mean to upset you if I ever do or make you worried about me. I wished i could express how much I love about you freely but I need to work on expressing myself. Just note that I love you more than the ever expanding universe, okay...?

I just feel like you guys deserve someone better than this worthless garbage person that I am..

Ending of triggering part

Hopefully you guys didn't miss me that much and i am super sorry if i did as that was never my intentions. quq

Of course I am sorry once again for leaving you all without an explanation and to make it up to you guys, I'll draw you all gifts in the next art dump depending on when I get it out whether you want me to or not as you guys are amazing individuals and helped me so much more than you know  qwq

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I published this on the 12th, i wanna see how I do "off" of hiatus and back on social media since social media gave me unhealthy thoughts as well. If I decide i am unfit on the 17th of Sunday, my hiatus will continue to go on and you'll have the reason why I left, but this time it'll be anxiety through social media and that I need some more time coming back, thanks for being patient and understanding of me and my situation and thanks to all the people that supported me through this hard time I had and thank you all quq

Have a good day / night, sorry for my little explanation that turned negative towards myself but I felt like it was necessary to get in my headspace and learn how I was thinking   —