I am so depressed. I've been trying to combat it. So I made a list of reasons I want to be alive.

10. Life has done nothing but shit on me my whole life which means at some point I gotta get lucky.

9. I need to publish my book so that when I die I'll have something I accomplished in life

8. I've never marched in a pride parade and like hell am I gonna die before I do that.

7. I want to be able to medically transition one day

6. I'm turning 21 in a month and will be able to drink my problems away at a fancy gay club

5. As long as I'm alive I get to see the world go to hell and say I survived it.

4. I get to write when I'm alive. Who knows if ghosts can write.

3. My sister doesn't listen to my parents as much anymore and actually calls me my real name. Even if she still uses the wrong pronouns and calls me her sister

2. I want to prove my parents wrong about me being completely useless and how my chosen career is as likely as being a popstar. I mean they'll never accept me either way but I can spit it in their faces.

And the one that crosses my mind most often and is probably not helpful

1. If I die I'll be buried in a dress. My dead name will be put on the gravestone and everyone at my funeral would refer to me as a girl. My real friends wouldn't be invited because they accept that I'm a dude. I would be sent off with a scripture I don't believe that damns me to an eternity of torture. And my parents would convince everyone that it is because I pretended to be someone I'm not and they couldn't help me out of it. And everyone would believe them and I would be remembered by my parents' church as a cationary tale on why you don't turn from Jesus.

I tried this method and now I feel even worse. Does anyone have any better ideas for coping with depression. Because I'm feeling way worse trying this method. It's all stuff I want to do that I don't really have anyway of doing right now. Or stuff that makes me even more depressed thinking about it.

I'm not suicidal, just depressed. But I find myself thinking about death a lot. Not as an action just a concept. Like thinking about what my funeral would look like.

Sorry this isn't my usual post. I try to keep things happy on Wattpad because typically writing is the only thing that makes me happy and I don't want to polute it with depressing thoughts.

I'll be going back to my usual happy post after this but I kinda needed to vent. Sorry if this isn't the kind of content you expect from me and sorry if it made you sad.

I'm sorry