36.
PRESENT DAY

"They move him every time," Prince Fintan said. "But I can take you...we can look for him."

He offered her his hand and, with a racing heart, she took it, thinking of Blue and the time they spent together—a time only she could remember.

"I'll probably forget this conversation the moment I leave the tower," he said. "That's how it usually is. I forget things when I leave a room."

"You'll forget everything?"

"Only the good things. Any moment of kindness or friendship. I only remember anger and resentment and..." He looked her up and down. "Apparently I also remember lust."

Lotte tried to ignore her hot face, veering away from the topic as best she could. "How is it you could talk about it so freely?"

He gave her an incredulous look. "Cursed or not, I'm a sky dragon. Nothing is strong enough to silence me."

The Blue she had known hadn't been as proud. But Lotte knew best about the pride one could hide behind for protection.

"I'll remind you what's happening if you forget," she said as he drew her towards him, his wings fanning behind him.

"Thank you," he said, looking into her eyes. From up close, he didn't seem so cold. Just sad.

No, not just sad, heartbroken.

"How do you heal a broken heart?" she asked just as he jumped out of the window.

The wind whistled around them. His arms tightened around her. She felt her body jerk when he flapped his wings, and could see the chilly confusion in his face, illuminated by the red glow of her eyes.

"You're helping me find Vanshu," she told him.

His arms slackened and then tightened around her, chin jutting up as he clenched his teeth.
"You already told me that you'll forget once you jump out of the tower."

Flap, flap, flap. His wings beat the air, keeping them up. Did he say he could remember kissing her? What if she made a map of desire in his mind?

She touched his face, even though it was somehow a frightening thing to do, and stretched her neck so she could touch his lips with hers.
He responded immediately, his fingers going into her hair to deepen the kiss. Now she could understand his desperation. If all he could recall at the end of the day was anger and despair, anyone would be hungry to feel anything that was not unpleasant. Even if the context for every kiss and caress was lost.
"Are you also trying to control me?" he asked, his voice hoarse with desire.

"I want to save you," she cried over the wind. "I want to save Vanshu and myself. Do you think that's wrong of me?"

"No, but why did you—"

"So you'd remember."

The wind changed, knocking them sideways. Fintan righted their course, hovering on a current of icy air. "I want more reminders," he said with a devious glint in his eye. "I can take you back to my tower, and we can find Vanshu later."

He laughed at her glare. "You can't blame me. I suddenly find myself holding you after thinking all day about all the things I'd like to do...with you."

"I'm not really here, you know."

He circled through the air, the palace below blurring. "You seem here, that's enough for me."

"If I kiss you again, will you help me find Vanshu?"

He chortled in surprise. "You are trying to control me with kisses. Do you want to kiss me again?"

"I want to find Vanshu."

"What will you do when you find him? You're not even really here."

"I'll figure it out once I'm—"

"Lotte! Lotte! Wake up!"

She jerked awake in her bed, the night and the wind gone in a single instant. For a moment she was aghast—Poe was being held captive somewhere and she had been on her way to rescue him.

But then she saw who had woken her.

"Rowan!"

Rowan moved back, off the bed, as Lotte moved towards her. There was someone standing behind her and for a moment Lotte thought it was Maloru, but the red glow of their eyes gave them away—it was a Leilan elf, one she didn't recognise.

"Lotte," Rowan said. "There's something I have to tell you."

"Where were you?" Lotte demanded. "Do you have any idea how worried we were?"

"We were trying to get Vanshu," Rowan said.

"Van...you know about Poe?"

Rowan grabbed her by the shoulders. "Listen, Lotts, I'll get to that. I'm going to tell you everything. But we don't have much time."

Lotte felt the restless urgency all the way to her toes, and questions burned her throat. But she took a deep breath and nodded.

"First, I wanted to apologise about my dishonesty," Rowan said, stepping back. "I told you everything I think about two dozen times, but it all ended badly, so I kept quiet."

"It all ended badly?"

"Every time I was about to tell you, I got a warning from a future self."
Lotte nodded for her to continue and Rowan drew a deep breath. "I'm not who I said I was. I'm...I don't have a brother. I'm the only human diviner I know. And I was only in Raidox one time, briefly, following a brown ribbon that led me to you. You see, I'm from here. From Serades."

"You're from Serades?"

Rowan nodded her head. "It wasn't a coincidence that we met, Lotte. There's never coincidences in my life. I came specifically to search for you. I provoked those men intentionally. I was even the one who delivered Fintan to you."

"How?" Lotte demanded. "Why?"

"Because things are bad for us here," Rowan said. "Really bad. If you're not virata. And the brown ribbon meant that you're either going to save me or kill me. And not just me, Lotte. Sometimes it's hard to see you from all the brown ribbons I see on you."

"What're you saying?"

"I'm saying we're all deeply invested in your success. That you're either going to save us or doom us," Rowan answered. "And that I'm sorry I had to lie to you."

Lotte felt...cold. But it was just another screeching emotion in the jumble in her heart. She looked over Rowan's shoulder.

"This is Annukash," Rowan said. "She's my...she's going to help us tonight."

"Help us? How? Did you find Poe?"

Rowan shook her head. "No. We searched everywhere. He's not in the palace. They moved him the second you arrived. We're going to have to take Maloru tonight. Anuka will take him to the Solles forest outside Serade. They won't be able to find him with all the other elves protecting him."

Lotte opened her mouth but no words came out.

Rowan grabbed her again. "This is our way of protecting you. If we take Maloru away, and you manage to free Vanshu, there will be nothing they could do to stop you from breaking that damned curse."

"I was about to find Poe when you woke me!" Lotte cried.

Rowan frowned. "I would've gotten a warning..."

"Are you sure? Because with the Rugar..."

Rowan stepped away. She didn't look as confident as she had a moment ago but then she squared her shoulders. "I'll tell you what I know," she said. "The Dragon King will die at dawn, and the palace will be in chaos. That will be the time for you to find and rescue Vanshu. Because if you don't..."

"If I don't?"

Rowan's gaze dropped to the floor. "They'll kill Vanshu and curse you. You'll be twice cursed. And there will be nothing to stop the iron monsters you'll create for them."

"You shouldn't have brought me here," Lotte cried, hands flying to her hair. The thought of Poe dying—even after he abandoned her so many times—was like a dagger through her stomach. "You led me right into their hands."

"You know, Lotts, that's the common opinion," Rowan said, finally looking up. "In my situation, I always know what's going to happen so I've never had to take many risks. But sometimes I choose to." She moved towards Lotte. "And every time I did..." She patted Lotte's arm, smiling up at her. "It was worth it."

Lotte blinked down at Rowan. She wasn't ready to forgive her just yet, but not everything had to be a lie. Every time, there was a risk in opening her heart to someone. But she always found herself wanting to try, if only to experience love.

"I've chosen to believe in you," Rowan said. "And I can't regret that." Rowan looked at her watch. "Time's up."

She turned and ran out towards the sitting room. Lotte followed her and her elf companion, Annukash out to the veranda.

Annukash began to climb Maloru's branches and Lotte felt a pang of possessiveness seeing another elf touch her Maloru.

But that wasn't right. She pressed her ear to his bark sensing he was in a deep sleep. "You're going to be so surprised when you wake up," she said. "You'll have everything you ever wanted. I'm going to miss you."

"You're going to see each other day after tomorrow," Rowan said, accepting Annukash's hand up into the tree.

"Disan amaran, Annukash," Lotte said with a slight bow.

"Disan amaran, Leilan Lotte," Annukash said with that deep, feminine voice typical of Leilan women. "Thank you for returning my Rowan to me."

It was an odd sight. Particularly since Rowan was so small, soft and curvy while the Leilan elf next to her resembled a gigantic woody spider. But it was a comforting sight nonetheless.

"Take care of him for me," she said, pressing her palm to Maloru again. "Don't hurt his roots."

"Don't worry," Annukash replied with a grin. "He is not such a small sapling and I can feel that he is loved."

She didn't dally. Lotte sensed the forceful magic that prompted Maloru to move, breaking the paving stones of the veranda's floor as if they were as brittle as glass.

"You can find Vanshu, Lotte," Rowan called over the noise of the splitting ground. "I know you'll do it."

Lotte wasn't reassured. She was a lone ship sinking in a dark ocean, surrounded by enemies.

But the thought that made its way to the surface and encouraged her to walk back into her room was that, if she was as powerful as the virata believed her to be, they had another thing coming.

***
2 YEARS BEFORE THE WAR

The orphanage was cleaner and smaller than Lotte remembered. The yard wasn't sandy and teaming with weeds. A white stone path cut through a green lawn. On one side a group of boys were kicking around a ball between two small white-netted goals. On the other side of the path, children were swinging on swings or sliding down a massive spiralling slide.

The building before her was made of the same white stone as the path, and in golden letters over the door it read: Treebald Institute.

"Treebald?" Lotte asked.

"Yes," Mrs. Herbert said. "It's a privately owned orphanage. It was abandoned a few years back, after the Lord General pulled funding from education. I think all the children here were sent to work houses and factories. Such a travesty."

"And Henri Treebald bought it?" Lotte asked.

"You heard of him?" Mrs. Herbert asked, opening the glassy front door. "He bought three orphanages after his protege was murdered. Apparently, she was an orphan herself."

The lobby was completely changed from what Lotte remembered. Gone was the depressing grey carpet, neon light fixtures and white-washed walls.

The decor was modern and artistic. A carpet in a pattern of bright yellow and purple. The walls were hot pink and orange, the ceiling lime green. Children's artwork lined every wall, save for one.

A framed drawing of an apple on a classroom desk in watercolour stood alone in the centre of the wall. Underneath it, a golden plaque read: Drawn by Lotte, age 6.

Lotte's heart jumped into her throat.

"Hello, how may I help you?" asked a young woman in a smart grey dress suit and cropped brown hair. She had the appearance of a secretary.

"Oh, hello, I'm Mrs. Herbert. I believe I spoke with you on the phone? This is Lotte, she's..."

Lotte hovered towards her drawing, fingers touching the plaque. Living on the street, and then as Poppin, she hid who she was. Even with Poe, they led their lives in secrecy, hiding their inhuman qualities whenever they went about the city.

And here it was, a piece of the history of her life, clearly and openly hers.

The woman gasped, hand going to her heart. "You're that Lotte?" she asked. "The one who painted that. But...You're quite...how should I put it..." The woman put her hands on her hips. "I've never seen a Lotte so pale."

Lotte turned towards the woman, pushing her hair behind both ears, revealing their points. She was always in the habit of letting her hair hide who she was, it was almost as if hair existed for hiding. Then she smiled a toothy grin. "I'm still that Lotte," she said.

Lotte and Mrs. Herbert sat silently in the car after touring the orphanage, having tea with the five teachers and the secretary who were all quite eager to meet her.

"Well, let's get us home," Mrs. Herbert said. "You're welcome to stay with us. Our Nora and Michael still live at home, but you'll be quite welcome."

Lotte shook her head. "Thank you," she said. "But I've already decided where I want to go."

She looked out the window towards the orphanage. It had been her entire world for a time. The painful memory was so far away. She felt unbelievably strong looking at it now.

"And where is that?"

"I want to be me," Lotte said. "I just want to live as myself."

"You can be whoever you want in my house, love," Mrs. Herbert said.

"I know," Lotte replied. "But I won't be myself outside of it."

"Then where will you go?"

Lotte looked east, towards where she knew she'd eventually find the factory district. "I'm going to live in Sullivan Tower," she said. "Just like any other Lotte."