“was i supposed to push you away, i didn't know but i didn't —”

It had been a long time since Migyung had been to a club. The last time she had been here with Heejae who had always parted ways with her once she found what she was looking for. As for her, she had always drowned herself in alcohol and the company of those who gave her the high she needed.

Even now, her throat felt parched and the scent of alcohol had her wishing she could taste it once again. But the firm grip of a man's hand on her waist centred her. And when he moved, his cologne overpowered the smells around her.

Before leaving for the club late night, she had cried her frustration and anger out. And in those moments, she had told him everything that she had held back in fear he would leave her. She had told him about how she had jumped purposely down the stairs and how it was done in a moment of naivete when she had thought it would keep Mijung close to her still.

He had listened patiently, offering his silent support by holding her close to him. He hadn't said anything about it at all. He had just listened, then helped her calm down before ordering food and helping her clean. Later he had told her to dress up and then he had pulled her close and kissed her extra hard because according to him she looked hot in her little black dress.

Still, raw from the events of the day, she felt afraid now. She was afraid of his silence even though he was ordering non alcoholic drinks for them on the bar. She was afraid even as he smiled at her. She knew better than anyone how people could change at the drop of a hat.

She gulped her drink quickly, satisfied for the moment with the sweet coconut taste. Though she was tempted, she somehow controlled herself by promising herself one of her expensive cigars.

Hoseok pulled her on the dance floor quickly after that, keeping his head down, his hair shielding his face and what was left was covered by her arms. He gave her a grateful smile when she wound her arms around his neck and she couldn't help but return his gestures.

He held her tightly by her waist and bent down close till his breath tickled her ear. The flashing lights didn't allow anyone to see much of his face anyway but this way, he was completely covered. The extreme lengths he had to go to be with her in public made her feel guilty and she opened her mouth to ask if they should return home but he beat her to it when he said:

"You look ravishing."

She blushed almost instantly and gasped when he let his hands fall on her butt.

"Hoseok, you can't do that in public!" she chidded but he gave her ear a playful bite.

"If I don't, these men won't stop violating you with their eyes. As far as I know, I'm the only one who is allowed that privilege." The growling note in his voice made her laugh.

"Who knew you would be so possessive of a woman?" she said lightly but she felt him stop dancing for a moment and pull away just enough to look into her eyes.

"Maybe, I'm just trying to convince you to make me your boyfriend," he said somberly.

Migyung suddenly grew all too aware of him. Sometimes she really forgot how insanely handsome he was because of how comforting his presence was. In that moment, the heat of him and the club made warmth spread through her, reminding her of everything that separated them and then everything that didn't.

She swept her gaze over him for the umpteenth time, noting how good he looked in a simple leather jacket over a white tee and black jeans.

"If anyone should be possessive between the two of us," she said leaning into him, "it should be me because I will have to share my boyfriend with millions of other people."

His smile was brilliant and the big kiss he dropped on her lips far from what he wanted to do to her right then. He had to make do with just pulling her tighter against him and swaying to the blaring music as he reassured her by saying, "Don't worry about them. Even if they want me, they won't have me as you will have me. Only you."

She closed her eyes then, smiling as the uneasiness settled. "We are not going too fast, are we?"

"Jin hyung asked Sehee to be his girlfriend within two weeks of meeting her. I don't see how we are moving fast when we have been a couple even without the label. It's just convenient to use labels that define us as partners. Exclusively," he explained.

She couldn't argue with that logic and she let her mind rest and enjoy this moment with him now that she knew everything was okay. He didn't judge her, she knew he would never. And he was surely not leaving her because of all the baggage. She didn't want to be a burden.

A few more drinks and bouts of dance later, Migyung excused herself to use the bathroom. On her way she ran into a slender shoulder and she was quick to turn around and apologise. However, she stopped short when she saw her ex.

Her eyes widened and she waited for the fury she had felt years ago that night to assault her but it didn't come. Instead her eyes narrowed and she felt indifference seeing his haggard face and the overlong hair pulled into a low pony. His eyes still held a mischievousness she might have once been attracted to but not anymore. Now, all she saw was a pathetic man who was lost to the world.

She tried to move quickly, wanting to avoid talking to him but he was astonishingly quicker. He caught her by her wrist and slurred out his words. "Wow, Migyung! Look at you. You look fucking hot. Looking for a quickie?"

She shuddered at just his touch, a quickie was the last thing on her mind. With a tight smile, she twisted her arm, trying to free herself from him as she said, "No, thank you. I am here with someone."

He wasn't letting her go. "Oh come on, babygirl. Don't be such a spoil sport. We used to have fun, no? I picked up a fresh batch of LSD today. It's good shit."

"Yeah, it sure is if you are a proof. Will you let me go before I bust your nuts?" She was growing angry and through his foggy mind, he caught up to her mood. He let her go immediately, raising his hands up in surrender and muttered an apology.

Shaking her head and rubbing her wrist, she started towards the bathroom once again. She felt a hand pressing something into her palm and she quickly looked down to see a clear bag with two red pills inside it. Looking up at her ex, she saw his lips pulled apart in a smile so wide, his chapped lips were starting to bleed.

"Don't be mad, Migyung. I really am sorry about everything. Perhaps, if we had met in other circumstances, I wouldn't have let go of you but I know you deserve better. Consider this as my way of getting closure." Saying that he moved swiftly again, getting lost in the crowd.

Migyung stood there for a moment, too stunned to move. She wondered what had just happened and how everything from her past was suddenly hitting her today. It was painful to remember. But then she looked down and she saw the escape from the past.

She only had to swallow one of them.

Just one and she would be gone.

Just one and she wouldn't have to worry or think.

"Migyung!" The shouted cry of her name jolted her out of her mind and back in the club with its deep bass music. She looked up just as Hoseok caught up to her. The concern in his eyes was unmistakable.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his eyes roaming over her body but in the RGB rotating lights, he couldn't see anything. "I saw a man talking to you and you didn't look too happy to see him. Do I need to chase him?"

The way he said the last with complete seriousness had her smiling despite everything. But she was soon reminded of the events when he grabbed her hand holding the bag and asked, "What's this?"

The implications of their situation finally dawned on her. They were in a crowd. She was holding some illegal drugs and her boyfriend who also happened to be a celebrity held her hand inspecting the contents.

She quickly shoved the bag in her purse, grabbed Hoseok's hand and started looking for an exit. He didn't question her, not that he could with the beginning of a new song and people cheering but he followed her nonetheless. She found a door soon enough that led them to the underground parking. A silver lining.

She took big steps towards where his car was parked and it took them only a few paces to reach the car. She waited for him to unlock the car but when he didn't, she turned around to see him frowning.

"We need to leave this place," she told him with her heart in her throat. Sweat beaded her skin out of fear for him rather than herself but Hoseok didn't know. He only had questions.

"Who was that man, Migyung?"

She sighed, rubbing her fingers between her eyes. She couldn't lie to him. "My ex-boyfriend," she said simply and saw the realisation dawn on his face.

The frown deepened.

"Is that why you wanted to come to the club? To pick up some drugs?"

Her eyes widened in horror and she took a step closer to him. "No! I didn't know he was here. I just bumped into him and he passed me the bag calling it some sort of closure."

He let out a breath. She couldn't tell what was going through his mind as he turned his back towards her and ran his hands through his hair. Her hand flew to her throat, her heart hammering in her chest as she waited for him to say something. The silence was making her anxious.

"Are you going to just keep them?" he asked when he turned back again, tilting his head towards her purse.

Looking down at her bag, she paused. Was she going to keep them?

She took the small plastic bag out, eyeing the equally small pills inside it. She looked up and caught his eyes and said, "They are just two. One for each of us. Sex on drugs is mind-blowing. Wanna try?"

He paused, surprised by her offer and eyed the pills. They looked like any other medicine in the market. Unthreatening unless used in excess or without prescription. He looked back at her, seeing her eyes trained on the pills and saw a certain hunger in them. He had thought she was done with it.

"I'm not doing drugs, Migyung," his voice made her look at him.

She gulped and nodded. "Right. Okay."

"And I'm not letting you take them either," he added quickly and watched her take a sharp breath.

"You'll restrain me?"

"If I have to."

A breathless laugh shook her shoulders and her tone suddenly turned pleading. "Hoseok, please. Just this once. If you can't make me forget let me do it myself."

"What is the point of forgetting like this, Migyung, when you know you'll only want more and more? Try to face your fears and problems for once. I'm here for you. You are not alone."

She raked a hand through her curls this time, annoyance lacing her words as her eyes hardened, shielded. "That's easier said than done. You don't know how I'm feeling right now and you are not making things easier either. You can't tell me what to do."

"Then what am I supposed to do?" he burst out loudly, making her flinch but he didn't notice. "I've been patient with you. I've put up with everything, accepted all your good and bad sides but you keep making it hard for me to help you. I can't do what you want because I know one of us is going to regret it later on. Or maybe, it's just me because I want to love you and be loved, not used."

Her hands fell to her side, the plastic bag sliding out of her fingers and onto the floor. She didn't think she was using him. That was never her intention but looking back on the day, she had tried to use him more than once. No, she had tried to force herself on him while he pushed her away gently because he knew it would ruin them.

The realisation made her feel sick. Tears pricked her eyes, making her vision of him hazy. What a mess she was! She couldn't even love him the way he deserved and that just made her sob.

She was engulfed in a hug quickly though, gentle hands caressing her and soft words trying to soothe. It didn't make her feel any better. All it did was make her feel underserving of any affection.

And hence, she pushed him away, confusing him. Wiping her tears away, she looked at him and prepared herself mentally for hurting him.

"I'll leave now, Hoseok. I can't keep doing this anymore. I can't be someone whom you need and deserve. I'm not that person. Not yet."

Hoseok staggered back, his eyes wide and throat dry as he processed her words. "What... What are you saying? You want to break up?"

She sniffed, wiping away more tears. "Yes. I need space. You need space. We can't keep on doing this anymore. It's better we stop at the start instead of ending up becoming toxic for each other."

"No. No, no, no. You're don't mean that," he protested, coming closer to cup her face in both of his hands. "We can do this, baby. We have been doing so well till now. Today has just been a long, tiring day and we need rest. God, we should have just stayed home."

She closed her eyes, feeling her heart squeeze painfully in her chest as she freed herself away from him. "No, you don't see it. We were doing good when everything was okay. But the moment it turns bad, we can't handle each other. I am a mess and I can't keep being scared of you leaving me constantly because of that."

"Yeah, well, I'm not leaving you! I'm not going anywhere!" he argued, his voice harsh and his face twisted painfully.

"Yes, but how long?" she shot back just as loudly. "How long before you get tired of me being an indecisive, ignorant bitch? How long before you realise I'm draining you emotionally because I have issues? How long, Hoseok?"

He had no answer. He couldn't even think with her being so close, shouting in his face while crying. He was in pain unlike any other he had ever experienced. He wanted to rip out his hair, fall to his knees and beg her to stop thinking for once. He couldn't lose her and looking into her eyes, he could only think of one thing to do right now.

He cupped her face once again in one hand and held the back of her neck with the other. Before she could make a sound, he slanted his lips over hers and held her tightly against him. She didn't struggle in his hold, she let him do whatever he wanted to do.

He felt her respond to his kiss, her hand tangling in his hair and he felt relief surge through him. Boldened, he pushed her back till he had her caged between him and his car. Her moan sent a shiver down his spine even as he tasted the salt of her tears. But he didn't let up.

He continued kissing her, tasting her and pulling her flush against him. He tilted her head upwards, deepening the kiss and without a care of where they were and who might see them, he cupped her breast, squeezing just enough to make her groan and pull away breathing hard.

"Hoseok... you can't," she said in a husky whisper but it only fueled the fire in him brighter as he kissed down her long neck, licking and nipping the sensitive skin.

"This is what you wanted, Migyung," he said harshly, pulling her tighter by her hips and making her gasp. "If this is the only way I can change your mind, I will do it."

Her hands tightened in his hair when he pushed the thin strap off her shoulder, baring more of her skin for him to kiss. When he blowed on the curve of her breasts, she couldn't help the sob that spilled out of her lips.

He stilled immediately on hearing the distressed sound and pulled away quickly to look at her. He was horrified to see what he had done.

She stood against the car, her eyes closed as tears kept flowing in a steady stream. Her hair was all messed up because of his hands and the strap that hung over her arm revealed red spots all over her neck and shoulder. In any other circumstances, he would have found the sight arousing but not when her kiss swollen lips quivered.

What had he done?

Covering his face with his hands, he found himself crying and he fell on his knees before her with guilt pressing heavily on his chest.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Migyung, please don't cry. I won't touch you. I won't. I promise. Please, forgive me."

He was pathetic, so fucking pathetic to try and keep her with him like this. There were other ways but he had stooped so low. He couldn't recognise himself anymore.

Maybe, this is what she meant when she said they would end up being toxic for each other.

They cried silently for a few moments but came back to the world when a car passed them. He only opened his eyes when he felt her hand running through his hair. She wasn't crying anymore, instead she smiled.

"Take me home," she said, wiping her tears away and urging him to stand up.

Pulling him closer with a firm grip on his jacket, she pressed her cheek against his shoulder, linking her fingers behind his back. Listening to his heart and feeling him touch her carefully, she closed her eyes and decided to give in.

"I love you, Hoseok."

A/N:

I'm late, I know.

The chapters are not that well edited, so do understand because I'm really busy adapting to this new life, sharing the apartment with 5 others and taking bus to Uni. It's a whole new experience but I still tried to do it as fast as possible and i do hope you like this double update with big ass chapters.

Thank you for waiting so long and thank you for reading ❤️❤️

The schedule is unclear for now so don't expect updates every week. I'll probably bulk update from now on.