☆Glory☆

If you were in love with someone that never loved you back, what would you do? Is there a way you can end it?

-Daffodil

I'm not the type to write stuff in my school blog, but I'm desperate for answers and I guess I don't know any other websites. Grandmother is too strict with social media and I don't have any other friends to ask these kinds of private questions to except the one that I am loving hopelessly.

I think of my new drama friends- Tsunami, Sunny, Starflight, and Clay- but I don't think they would be okay with someone they just met few days ago asking questions like those. Anyone could guess who I was talking about, anyway, if I didn't ask them anonymously.

I clench my eyes shut and click enter. I sit on my desk staring at the screen for a while, but nobody answers. Figures. Nobody ever looks at the school website, especially at weekends.

I head downstairs to give Grandmother her usual cup of tea. I say hi to our housekeeper, Mrs. Secretkeeper, and to her daughter Moon. They have lived with us for a few months. Maybe I should have talked to Moon, I think, but she's only in elementary school and I dismiss it. Although she does have two boys her age running after her. Sometimes I wonder how she does it. Maybe I should, later.

"Would you like a cup of tea, Moon?" I pick lavender tea and she shakes her head. She looks at me with big eyes- they always remind me of Deathbringer's- and place her hands out towards me.

"Cookies are bad for your health, Moon, you shouldnt eat over three a day," I say loudly as I hand her a double chocolate chip cookie. I lower my voice. "Eat it all before you go into your room. I'm dead if your mother finds out. Got it?"

She gives me a huge, mischievous smile and gives me a thumbs-up. "You're so strict, Glory," she says loudly when Secretkeeper yells at Moon to come help her fold laundry. "In a minute, Mom, I have to use the restroom!" She hugs me and runs to her room.

Moon's big, mischievous smile reminds me of Deathbringer, and I look at my phone for a reply. Still no luck. I put my earbuds on and look at Grandmother's collection of cups.

Baby, I don't feel so good, six words you never understood
I'll never let you go, five words you'll never say

I pick the pink one with the red flowers. That's when I realize how sad my weekends are without him- he used to come over all the time. And now, after going out with Greatness, his visits have become rare. Perhaps that's the general rule, that you don't visit a girl's house on your own when you have a girlfriend. I wouldn't know. Maybe I should ask Moon?

I would like to ask her a lot of things, but the fact a fourth grader knows more about dating than me is a little depressing. Stupid pride and stupid Deathbringer.

I laugh along like nothing's wrong, four days has never felt so long
If three's a crowd and two was us, one slipped away

Maybe that's unfair. He never saw me as more than a friend- and that probably hurts more than anything. The fact I can't do much without him is mostly my fault, not his. Maybe I should have never let him talk to me that time at school. Maybe I should have been that one girl that didn't have friends- loneliness would have been better than this.

I just wanna make you feel okay
But all you do is look the other way
I can't tell you how much I wish I didn't wanna stay
I just kinda wish you were gay

This hurts too badly. It's jealousy mixed with anger and regret. It flames everytime I see him with Greatness, and some part of me hates him. Other part of me hates her, and at the same time envies her. I imagine myself in that position- his eyes on me, his fingers entwined with mine, his smile for me to enjoy. Not as Glory the Friend but as Greatness the Lover. And then they all crumble to pieces as I remind myself to don't give away anything, to look away, hating myself for the jealousy.

Is there a reason we're not through?
Is there a 12-step just for you?
Our conversation's all in blue
11 "heys" (Hey, hey, hey, hey)
Ten fingers tearin' out my hair
Nine times, you never made it there
I ate alone at seven, you were six minutes away

I thought ot might fade away after a while, but it never does. It just gets bigger and bigger, engulfing me, tearing me to pieces.

Maybe I should date someone. But nobody wants to date a girl like me and I don't want to date anyone unlike him.

How am I supposed to make you feel okay
When all you do is walk the other way?
I can't tell you how much I wish I didn't wanna stay
I just kinda wish you were gay

There was this one time in seventh grade when Deathbringer and I were playing in my room. We were looking up ways to make chocolate, and he was lying on my bed. I was showing him a picture on my phone, laughing at a joke he had made, when I tripped and landed right on him- our faces were inches off each other's. I really thought we would kiss, and I couldn't think of anything other than his big, dark eyes when he pushed me off and laughed at my clumsiness. Our entire relationship was like that- I was the one overthinking, and he was the one brushing me off.

To spare my pride
To give your lack of interest, an explanation
Don't say I'm not your type
Just say that I'm not your preferred sexual orientation

I walk towards Grandmother's room with the tea. Because my grandmother is the only friend other than Deathbringer. A friend that scolds me to sit straighter. Very fun.

I'm so selfish
But you make me feel helpless, yeah
And I can't stand another day
Stand another day

I miss Deathbringer. And I hate myself for it. Damn it, I hate him too. And love him at the same time. That's the damn problem.

I just wanna make you feel okay
But all you do is look the other way, hmm
I can't tell you how much I wish I didn't wanna stay
I just kinda wish you were gay
I just kinda wish you were gay
I just kinda wish you were gay

I get rid of the earbuds and stuff them in my pocket, setting the tea on the table. I look into the mirror and brush my hair with my fingers. Grandmother would scold me on everything- my hair, my clothes, my sitting position. It was just her everyday attitude, expectations of everything in her house to be perfect.

Grandmother never got angry about anything, though. She never raised her voice.

"YOU TOLD ME YOURSELF THAT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN!"

Oop. Grandmother is angry.

"MOTHER? IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL YOURSELF? A FINE MOTHER YOU ARE, YOU ABANDONED YOUR DAUGHTER JUST BECAUSE OF A DISEASE SHE COULD NOT CONTROL!" Her voice is raising more and more, to the point it cracks at control. "You do not deserve to see Glory, do you hear me? Never call this number again, or I will call the police. Don't even think about coming to our house, I'll make sure to spread the rumors you are so worried about. That's what you always care about, isn't it, more than your family?"

Mother. I see her more than I would like to- on TV, on magazines, on movie posters and YouTube videos. Her married life, her husband, her son. A happy family.

I head down the stairs. I don't know what to think. She wants to meet me again. She wants to see me.

I guess I always knew why she left- I knew I was an accident she made with a man, but the fact she left because I had cancer is new. Thinking back, she always was around before I was diagnosed. I guessed it, but it's another thing to think something and being told I'm right. I guess if I was a star, I might not want an accident child either, especially with cancer.

It's been so long since I saw her, and I don't know what to feel. I don't feel any particular sadness. I just hope I don't have to see her, that Grandmother will keep her away forever. I don't want her to apologize or ask me for forgiveness. I just don't see her as anything- she has no part in my life, and I hope she wouldn't expect one.

That's when my phone rings, and I walk into my room and turn on the computer. Finally, a reply. It seems so childish- like a reply someone will give me would ever make a difference. But I'm so lonely and so friendless that I click on the school website.

Dear Daffodil,

Just give it time- it never faded away for me, but it gets easier to manage. I recommend making yourself busy with something. I wouldn't recommend dating someone else, because I have tried it and it doesn't work. In the end, it only hurts that person.

In the worst case, just confess. If you get rejected, it might get easier to get over. Just make sure you do the right thing for yourself. You should always come first.

-Helianthus