The year is 3018, just 999 years since the human race died out. They say it was in their labs that we first gained the ability to think. That single spark of genetic mutation bred a new dominant species. With the humans out of the picture, the reign of the goats began.

In 3012, I graduated at the top of my class at the GNASA Space Academy. I was supposed to be sent directly into space; however, the past six years have been full of complications. The biggest complication being: goats have no fingers to build rockets.

So we trained the monkeys. By compensating them generously, you can get them to do anything. They would whip together a rocket in exchange for fresh fruits, knives, toys, and anything shiny. We already used them as house maids and such, why not train them to join the workforce?

But then there was the outbreak of heartworms. Goats and monkeys dropped like flies. I was quarantined by GNASA to keep me from contracting it.

It was during that time that I met my wife. She came to me in a hazmat suit, bringing food, water, and preventative medicines. It was the way that suit left so much to the imagination that drew me to her. I needed to know the nurse behind the sterile mask.

Once the epidemic ended, I asked her out. Ever since that first date we've been inseparable. I took a break from the space scene, not that it was getting anywhere, and devoted myself to my family.

Until now. GNASA contacted me six weeks ago, asking if I would come back and take the first ever trip to the moon.

"Linda," I address my wife. "Sweet, beautiful, mother of my kids-"

"What is it you want?" she cuts me off with a sigh.

"Well dear," I continue cautiously, trying not to invoke the Screaming or Fainting Goat in her breed. "GNASA wants me to take the maiden voyage to the moon."

Her jaw slackens. She lets out a single short shriek before fainting.

Our son, Parker, rushes into the room. His eyes widen at the sight of Linda on the floor.

I sigh, "Mommy and daddy are having a conversation. Please go check on the twins."

Parker gives a shrug and leaves the room. When the kitchen door slams, Linda springs back to life.

"THE MOON?!?!" She bleats loudly. "What about the twins? And Parker? And the other twins?"

"Honey, I think this is a great opportunity for me. I would only be gone a couple of months, a year tops. You could manage."

"A year?!?!," she faints again.

I sit, making myself comfortable. This could take a while. So far, I've only told her that I'm going to the moon. We haven't even gotten to the part about my ex-girlfriend being my co-pilot. Boy is she going to faint when she finds out. Her shriek might be high enough to shatter a few glasses, maybe a window. I mentally pat myself on the back for having padded floors installed last spring. Linda would definitely have had a concussion after this conversation if I hadn't.

She comes to again. "What are we going to do without you, Gene?" she bleats disconsolately.

"It won't be forever," I reply quietly.

"What will I do without you?" A lone tear trickles down her hairy face.

I smile, wrapping my hooves around her. "You'll do everything the same as when I'm here." I tease her.

She swats her hoof at me. "So, do you know who the crew will be?" She asks.

I nod. "Only three of us will be making the trip, a monkey pilot, me... and Aphrodite."

Her eyes go wide before flaming. Boy was I right about the window.

The next morning I tell the kids I will be going away for a while. A few tears are shed, but it's nothing like Linda's dramatics.

I pack up what I think I need and leave on the first flight to GNASA headquarters. As I fly, I begin to wonder if Linda will ever forgive me. She wouldn't let me sleep in bed with her last night. That's never happened in our four years of marriage.

I don't even know why she is so upset. I'll just be going into space with Aphrodite. It's not like I will eloping with her. I haven't even spoken to her in six years. Last time I did, it was at a waxing salon, and she threw hot wax on me. After they managed to pull it all off, I had bald spots for days.

I think back to when I first met Aphrodite. It was in my last year at the academy. We had Anti-gravity 5000 together. The first time I laid eyes on her, I felt like I was floating. And that was before they turned off gravity. She had her fur spiked up in a purple Mohawk and was wearing a faux leather jacket. She had the beauty and grace of a unicorn; it was mesmerizing. Her whole being was as awe-inspiring as the mythical goddess of love and war herself. Fitting they should bear the same name.

"Yes, fitting," I think to myself. My first love only loved me when I was second in the class. As soon as I beat her out for the top spot, it was Goat War II. Now the battle will begin again. Good thing I have horns now, not that I'd actually use them.

I've followed my old love's career in space. She's done a lot of training. She almost made it to the moon once but experienced engine failure trying to break through the earth's atmosphere and ended up in the Pacific Ocean. From what I heard, she ended up in a mental institute shortly after when GNASA forced her to take a break to recuperate. My source said she was so angry she slapped the head monkey engineer.

I can only imagine what she will do to me.

I reach GNASA headquarters shortly after 2 and am immediately whisked away to begin my training. I am told to strip down and then am given a full check over by a large-handed monkey and a foul-mooded Nanny. They were not at all gentle with their yanking and jabbing. The painful jab of the syringe full of steroid about made me faint like Linda.

Each day I receive a full check-up and another painful round of steroid from the VERY angry Nanny. I wonder if she is any kin to Aphrodite, who I still have not seen in the month I've been here.

I worry that she's lurking in a dark corner with the cruel Nanny and the large-handed monkey. Waiting to torture me. Linda calls me every night to let me speak to the kids but refuses to speak to me herself. Her silence terrifies me. I can't imagine my life without her, but I'm starting to think she imagines hers without me--lost in space, with Aphrodite. I pick up the phone, resolving to make another attempt at getting her to talk to me. But as soon as I begin to dial the oh-so-familiar number, my phone rings.

"Lieutenant Goatsworth, report to headquarters immediately. Take-off has been moved to 0600 tomorrow. We need to make the necessary adjustments." The line clicks off.

I immediately rise and rush to leave. I wonder as I speed out the door, what could cause them to move up departure so suddenly. I attempt to call Linda, but she doesn't answer. I leave her a message explaining what's happened and tell her I love her and the kids. Hopefully, she'll call me back before I leave earth for six days.

When I arrive at GNASA headquarters, there is mass panic. Goats and monkeys scurry about. Commands are being shouted left and right. Monkeys screech in panic, sensing the seriousness of the situation. Right in the middle of the chaos, looking completely unbothered is Aphrodite.

She grins broadly as we lock eyes, seeming to feed off the fear that I'm certain she can see in them. She still has her Mohawk, only now it is an unnaturally bright red. It looks as if she colored it with the blood of her vanquished enemies, and I wouldn't be surprised if that were exactly what she had done. Her calm demeanor is unsettling amidst the bustle. Actually, it's more that unsettling. It's terrifying.

I feel my legs quake as she advances towards me. Everyone parts like the Red Sea around her.

"Long time, no see," she bleats casually.

I nod in agreement. "You look well," I tell her, hoping to soften whatever blow she will surely deal me.

She blows a bubble in her rose-scented gum and lets it pop in my face. "You look old. Didn't know GNASA did charity flights."

I frown and don't reply. Sure, I've got a few gray hairs now, but I surely don't look like a charity case. I'm still fully capable of flying to the moon. GNASA never would have called me if I wasn't.

She leans in close. "We are going to have a great trip," she whispers it almost threateningly. "I can't wait."

This time, I do faint.

When I come to, a medic is standing over me.

"How ya-a-a feeling?" she asks, a bit of a country twang in her voice.

"Perfectly fine," I assure her hastily. I cross my hooves, hoping that this won't keep me from being allowed to fly.

"We are gonna-a-a do a quick physical oka-a-ay?" she eyes me speculatively.

I nod hurriedly. "Yes, of course. Forgive me for my fainting spell. I just received some shocking news," I half-lie. I did receive a bit of a shock. I mean, Aphrodite practically admitted that she has evil plans for me. We are going to have a great trip in space? Special emphasis on great? She can't possibly be thinking about holding my hoof and singing "Mary Had a Little Goat."

The checkup is quick, and painless and I am given the go-ahead. By the time I have made it through a few more checks, it's nearly 0300. Only three hours until take-off.

I am sent to take a nap in one of the medical rooms after receiving a final dose of steroid. I fall asleep easily, tired after the long night.

At exactly 0500, I am aroused from my sleep and taken for one final check-up. Unfortunately, this one is once again with the foul Nanny and the large-handed monkey. They do not use the same gentle touch that the earlier Nanny used. Instead, they opt for their usual angry assault on my body.

Next, I'm off to be dressed. First, I'm thoroughly washed by an eager young chimp; then I'm fully outfitted in my space uniform. GNASA spared no expenses on these things. It is complete with a built in communicator that is linked to my cell phone.

As soon as I'm ready to go, I am led to the boarding area. Here I am introduced to the pilot, an ape named Persephone. She seems weirdly familiar, but I can't imagine why. I don't remember ever meeting any apes before. She grins at my look of confusion but says nothing.

Then there is Aphrodite, looking radiant. I don't know how she manages to look so well sculpted in the space suit, but she does. It clearly fits her like a glove. Her Mohawk is pushed down by the helmet and hangs elegantly on her hairy forehead. She flutters her long lashes and smiles sweetly, instantly alarming me. As I buckle my seat belt on the rocket, I decide to call my wife one last time before going into space.

She answers on the first ring.

"Thank heavens I was able to reach you, I'm about to blast off, but I just needed to tell you I'm sorry, and I love you and I'll be back as soon as I can be--"

She cuts my rambling short.

"I'm pregnant."

Then the call cuts short as I am blasted into space

The view of the earth from space is breathtaking. Or it would be if I had regained my breathing from Linda's confession yet.

Pregnant? How? Is it mine? Did she cheat on me? Did Aphrodite arrange this whole thing? That evil goat! How dare she make my wife cheat on me! We graduated SIX YEARS AGO. How can she possibly still be angry? I mean, she made it to space before I did. Isn't that enough for her? Now she has to ruin my marriage too?

Breathe, I tell myself. Breathe, breathe, breathe. It's probably my baby. Linda wouldn't cheat, not for Aphrodite. Linda loves me, and I love her, and we are going to have another baby. Oh my word, we are going to have another baby. We already have Sara and Cara. And Parker. And Clark and Mark. I don't know if I can handle another baby. Oh no. What if it's more twins? Or worse, triplets? I can't handle that many more kids. Especially not with Linda mad at me.

The entire trip to the moon passes in a blur. I eat and sleep when commanded to by Aphrodite. I live every moment filled with anxiety over her niceness. It raises so many red flags. Not even when we were dating did she show this much care. I quietly chew a cud like a cow as I sit and watch the earth fade further away, and the moon looms ever closer.

When we finally reach it, it feels like a lifetime has passed. GNASA control center sends a signal to tell us that I am to be the first on the moon. I am to be videoed by Aphrodite placing the United Goats of America flag on the moon. The stark white flag contrasts with the goat emblem set in the middle. I consider it an honor to be chosen for the task.

Persephone touches us down on the moon skillfully. We are on the side that faces earth. I gaze at my home planet in the sea of black. When the doors open, I hesitantly step down onto the surface of the moon. A small cloud of dust billows around me on contact. I leap forward.

"That's one small leap for goats, one giant leap for Goatkind." I deposit the flag firmly in the soil.

I stare at the flag, feeling a sense of pride. Suddenly, I hear the doors click shut behind me, and the engine spark to life.

"Wait! Stop!" I shout into the communicator.

"I would," Aphrodite starts. "But I'd rather leave you here for dead." I can hear the fake sympathy in her voice.

"Please, no! I have a family!"

"Should have thought about that before taking the position I worked so hard for."

"Persephone, please don't leave me." I bleat.

I hear a low chuckle, then to my utter surprise, "I would save you, but you know Dite gave me sentience so..." She trails off ominously.

The blood drains from my face. That's where I knew her from. Aphrodite did a series of science experiments on her forced break from GNASA. Replicating the mutation that allows us to be the way we are was one of them. I guess Persephone was proof of her success.

I watch as they fade into the distance, realization slowly sinking in. I am stuck on the moon.

I go into full panic mode. I scream into the communicator; I run in circles, I have a full meltdown complete with tears. Only the silence responds.

I sit down in defeat, tears still streaming down my face, and look at the earth. I realize how much I miss my wife. Here, looking at the whole world, I realize that she is my world. I never should have left her and the kids. The problem is, it's much too late to atone for my mistakes.

Eventually, I get up and begin to wander listlessly. The surface of the moon is rough, bumpy, and the lower gravity makes me feel light and deflated. I wish I knew what day it is. Or the time. Or simply what Linda is doing. I hope she speaks at my funeral. I hope they have a funeral for me. Maybe just a memorial. I don't like thinking about my death, but I know my oxygen is getting low already.

I walk until I can't anymore. I fall to my knees in exhaustion. With blurry eyes, I spot something in the distance, and in the final moments before losing consciousness, I realize it's an American flag. The humans really did make it...

I come to slowly, a bright light in my face. Is this what heaven is like? All bright light and soft music. I never imagined it would smell like rotten cheese and garlic. I snap fully awake with a start.

I look over to see a human and I scream. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"AAAAAA!" he screams in response. At least I think it's a he. "It's okay, little goat." he reaches out to pet me reassuringly.

"GET YOUR DISGUSTING HUMAN HAND OFF OF ME!" I scream, startling the human even more. His whole face goes white.

"You can talk?" he gasps in disbelief.

"You exist?" It was firmly believed by many goats of our generation that humans were mythical creatures, like Bigfoot or the Sphinx. "Clearly, I'm having a hallucination due to low oxygen levels."

"Did I eat a bad moonshroom again?" The human sticks his finger in his ear and wiggles it around as if trying to clean it out. "How can I understand you? How can you understand me? How did you get to the moon? Where did you get a space suit?"

It's at the last question that I realize I am no longer wearing said space suit. "AAAAAAAAA! I'M NAKED!" I screech.

The human man blinks. Once, twice, three times. Then he tries the ear trick again. "I, uh, didn't know you preferred to wear clothes. I mean, I haven't ever seen a goat in clothes." He mumbles shuffling about and pointing at my discarded uniform. "I can help you get it back on?..." he lets the question hang awkwardly.

"I do not want your help," I tell him emphatically, pulling the blanket tighter. "However, I can tell answer your questions. We can understand each other because Dr. Enrich Bamboozleman genetically modified goats to carry the 'language gene.' All goats have the ability to think, talk, and make decisions. I got to the moon on a rocket built by monkeys, and I got my space suit from GNASA."

"NASA? The humans sent you? Why would monkeys do the building?" he clutches his head as if it pains him to try and understand so much at once.

"GNASA, Goats National Aeronautics and Space Administration. Humans are extinct, or I guess since you exist, endangered. Goats can't build, so monkeys do." I shrug. Humans have such large brains, but yet this one can hardly process a thing. "How are you alive? The humans died a thousand years ago."

He sighs and takes a seat. "Well, you see, I'm a clone of a man who lived long ago. I was made in a lab along with hundreds of others and then sent into space. After a while, I learned how to count approximate years. Around the fiftieth year of not really aging, I assumed that the moonshrooms must have some type of longevity effect."

I nod. It's my turn to absorb some information. If this human really exists, and all this isn't my mind playing tricks, then maybe there's still a chance I can get home to Linda. I just need to befriend this man.

"Gene Goatsworth," I say sticking out my hooved arm.

He looks at me quizzically, then shakes it. "Neil A. or as the dyslexic humans called my type, Alien."

My mouth pops open. Alien. Area 51. Spaceships. If aliens are real, I bet so is everything else. My head is swimming in confusion.

"Here little buddy, errr, Gene," Neil A. says awkwardly. "Eat something."

I stare at him suspiciously and then eye the blue, glowing mushroom. "What is that?"

"Moonshroom," he shrugs, "At least, that's what I call them."

My stomach grumbles loudly. I eye the weird mushroom one last time before reluctantly taking it in my mouth. It practically explodes on my taste buds. Colors dance across my vision. The floor sways beneath me. Once the initial shock wears off, I decide to eat another. It's immediately addicting. The taste of it loosens my reserves.

Before I know it I'm rambling on and spilling all of my secrets to this clone alien man. "And that was SIX YEARS AGO!" I wail. "Why would she make my wife cheat on me?"

"That's like bouge, you know? Like how could she do that to you?" He shakes his head. His shaggy hair shakes with him.

"Bouge?"

"Like you know, not cool, my dude." He shakes his head some more. "We need to get you back down there to tell her that she's bouge!"

I begin to sob. "But I have no way to get down."

"Don't sweat it, my dude, I can fly you down in my spaceship." He tells me.

My eyes widen. "YOU HAVE A SPACESHIP??" I'm yelling. "YOU'VE HAD A SPACESHIP THIS WHOLE TIME?"

"UM, YEAH, MY BROTHER." He yells back uncertainly. "WHY ARE WE YELLING?"

"NO TIME FOR TALKING; LET'S FLY!"

"ACTUALLY, WE ARE YELLING, BUT OKAY!"

He giddily runs off and I prance after him, forgetting that I am completely naked. I make it five steps before doing a complete U-turn and going back for my space suit. When I make it to the ancient ship, Neil A. is already inside. I stare at it in awe. It's just like the round orbs they used to show aliens in on human movies. I can't believe my luck! I am going to fly back to earth in a real alien spaceship, and I'm going to punch Aphrodite in the face!

Wait, I don't hit women. I'm gonna pay a Nanny to punch Aphrodite in the face! Woo! This is gonna be epic!

I join Neil A. in the shuttle, and he powers it up. With a shudder, we are hurtling away from the moon and back towards the earth.

The journey back to earth passes in a haze. Mr. Alien helps me to redress in my uniform as we near the earth's atmosphere. We feast on moonshooms and anger at the matriarchy.

When we near Earth, I think he is going to land the ship. Instead, he pulls up short, straps a parachute to me, and pushes me out.

I bleat out a scream as I plummet towards earth's surface. My parachute opens just in time to prevent my spectacular death on the runway of the LAX airport, one of the wonders of the world.

A group of tourists help to remove my parachute, and an ambulance rushes me to the nearest hospital. Within twenty-four hours, I am heading back to GNASA. They discover that I am perfectly fine, other than being a little high on moonshrooms, and hold me just long enough to sober up. When I'm finally out processed, I resolve to go find my wife. Only, she's already outside waiting for me.

"GENE!" she sobs. "I thought I lost you forever!"

I wrap my hooves around her. "I love you so much! I never want to leave you again!" I look down to see the beings of a bump on her belly. "How is our baby?"

"Our babies are fine." She assures. "Now where is that Aphrodite? I need to punch her in the face!"

I laugh. "Let's go home."

And we did. Aphrodite and Persephone were arrested and imprisoned for leaving me on the moon. Neil A. was never seen or heard from again. The triplets were healthy, and their mommy was very happy. Everything went back to normal, that is until GNASA called again.

"Lieutenant Goatsworth, we need you on Mars!"