Title: Viral Epidemic-- Gone World

Author: Midnight_Phantom18

Genre: Dystopian

Chapters Read: 10 (Your chapters were short, and since you read three long chapters of my book, it felt unjust to read only five chapters.)

Date: 10 January 2020

Title: 5/5

This is a really nice idea for a title. Furthermore, it also suits the theme of your story well.

Cover: 5/5

The cover is simple and exquisite at the same time. The blue in it definitely brings out an eerie feeling and makes the reader click the read button. My compliments to the designer.

Summary: 3/5

Let's discuss it briefly, your summary is good, but it misses a lot of elements of a proper summary.

A summary should be written in the third person, and it should introduce the main character, the setting (optional), the conflict, and the stakes.

Your summary is written in the first person, which is wrong on so many levels. Moreover, you're missing the conflict and the stakes in your summary.

Let me break it up to you, in a summary, you introduce the main character with their real name.

Example:

Sarah Devon had nothing...

Once you've introduced the main character, you introduce the setting of your story, especially if you're writing fantasy. True, you can go away without a setting if you're writing a young adult or something along those lines. But in a fantasy story, it's a must.

The place of the introduction of the main character and the setting can be switched, i.e. you introduce the setting first and then you introduce your main character.

Example:

Surrounded by iced mountains of Ohioro, exists the town of Delingway. Covered by frost from everywhere, the town is but abnormal.

After that comes the conflict. A conflict is a problem the main character is suffering or is going to suffer from. It's important to introduce the conflict in your story, because, without it, the reader won't be pulled to your story.

A conflict can be anything, it can be as normal as the theft of a precious shirt. Just make sure your conflict is something that will change the life of your main character.

When the cannibals threaten to break through the barriers of the icy mountains to get to the town of Ohioro,

Then comes the stakes. Stakes are the most important part of your summary. If your summary gas everything, but is missing the stakes, it's a problem.

Now comes the action. What is the role of your main character in this conflict? Is he asked to save the world, cheat a girl, or asked to leave away from his sanity for some super aliens? Maybe he has to work for some super aliens to gather information about something. It could be anything as long as it suits the theme of your story.

Sarah must reach out to the warriors inhabiting the icy mountains, and convince them to fight for the town of Ohioro.

Stakes are the conclusion that your story will reach if your main character does not do what he's supposed to be doing.

If she fails to complete her mission on time, the town of Ohirio will be in ruins before the sun can shine on the land of frost.

Ta da! You got your summary. Follow this pattern and your summary will be good to go. Tell me what is going to happen, tell me the role Skylar will be playing in it, and tell me what will happen if she fails in her task.

Readers root for these things. If you don't expose them to the conflict that lies within your story, they won't be tempted to pick up your book no matter how gorgeous it is from the inside.

Grammar: 2/5

You have a lot of mistakes in this section. Don't worry, I'll break down to you the common mistakes you end up making every now and then along with an example from your book. Then, you'll be able to hunt down all those errors and kill them before they reign over the world you've built with so much dedication.

• Missing commas

This is the most recurring issue I found in your writing. You often don't include commas where you should be. To help you with this issue, here is a suggestion. Try to say aloud your sentence. If you feel like a break is needed in between, add a comma. It is important because it's hard to read sloppy sentences that go and on without a pause. As a reader, we need to breathe, and as a writer, it's your job that you let us breathe.

Hopefully there are residents living in this mansion.

I may not wake up and if I do, I'll be raped by then.

In both the case, you're missing a comma after the underlined word. Say these sentences aloud without a pause, and you'll feel how itchy they sound. After you've said these aloud, say them again, with a pause this time. They will sound more natural to your years.

There are so many comma errors, so I suggest you reread your story and add commas where you think it's necessary.

• Dialogue Tags

Dialogue tags. They are tedious, aren't they? Well, your story has many dialogue errors.

To make it easy for you, here are some rules you must remember if you're writing dialogues.

Dialogues, if followed by dialogue tags such as 'he said, she whispered, he spoke, a woman spoke' should end with a comma rather than a full stop.

Here are some random sentence of your story,

"I don't want to talk about it." she replied.

This is wrong. Your punctuation should be replaced with a comma if your dialogue is ending with a dialogue tag.

"I don't want to talk about it," she replied.

If the dialogue ends with another punctuation such as a question mark, an exclamation mark, or an ellipsis, the verbal tag should not be capitalized. You're not starting a new sentence, so you must not capitalize it.

"Come!" She ordered.

It should be,

"Come!" she ordered.

The last rule is to always end your dialogue with punctuation. You haven't added punctuations in most of your dialogues.

"Hello" Emily greeted as I neared her.

It's improper.

"Hello," Emily greeted as I neared her.

• Confusion between 'then and than' & 'their and there'

Your problem is that you use the wrong words. You confuse between these two groups.

Or maybe it was kidnapped and than drugged.

How they roam about with nothing to do and there skin and clothes are just filth.

It should be,

Or maybe it was kidnapped, and then drugged.

How they roam about with nothing to do, and there skin and clothes are just filth.

• Awkward phrasing

You had so many awkward sentences in your chapters. They did not make any sense and were stagnant in their function.

Here are a few examples from your story. If you say these aloud, you'll find how clumsy they sound. Either they don't make any sense, or they are written in the wrong way. Try to fluctuate them.

She resembled a lot like Ansel.

"Here come, Mr. Erik Lee is preparing lunch for us."

It's so quiet here and silent.

I haven't spotted no humans in sight nor any noise or sound...

First thing is first, I need to...

Still stepping down each stair carefully. The never-ending stairs. It feels like never ending.

Dampening the blanket with sweet salty tears.

• Ellipsis

What is an ellipsis? An ellipsis is an omission from speech or writing of a word or words that are superfluous or able to be understood from contextual clues. Ellipsis is usually indicated by a set of three dots (...).

You use your ellipsis in the wrong manner. You use them in the pattern of three dots far from each other (. . .)

This is wrong. It should be done by arranging them close to each other.

I'm scared because he's way, way older than me. . .

It should be,

I'm scared because he's way, way older than me...

Now, this isn't the only issue. You use ellipsis too often, which is erroneous.  You've used around five ellipses in a single para. Usually, ellipses are meant to give more depth to a statement and are only used when a word is omitted from the sentence for a special purpose.

You're using ellipses instead of commas and full stops, and that's incorrect. All the places where you've used ellipses do not even require them. Ellipsis should be used with precaution, and only if they are needed.

My suggestion is that you remove all of them and replace them with proper punctuation.

• Exclamations and Question Marks

Your story had an abundance of these, and that made it annoying to read.

Ah, I need answers!!!

How did he know my undergarments' size and everything!!???

Not to mention the exact size of everything!!!

There are so many sentences similar to this, and they are just so cringe-y to read. These disturb the flow of a story.

You shouldn't use them in excess. It's important to remember that these punctuations look classy if they are alone, i.e. there are only or two punctuations like these in the midst of 2500 words. That's classy, but it's opposite; sadly isn't.

Another thing you should know is that you should use a single punctuation. Always. Instead of a set of exclamation marks, a single exclamation mark sounds nice.

Remove them all.

• Em dash

Here's this thing, you use hyphens in your story in place of commas. It's normal, and acceptable in terms of grammar.

The problem: You do it wrong.

It's not a hyphen you should be using, its either an en dash (--) or an em dash ( ).

Back when the world was normal - which I never got...

It should be:

Back when the world was normal-- which I never got to...

• Tense Change

It's there, and it's a lot. You switch tenses. Sometimes the narration is past and sometimes it's present, which it shouldn't be. You should stick to a reasonable tense; either past or present, and then you should work on your book.

Present tense:

After work, I really need to see my friend Alyssa...

Past tense:

I grew up with her...

You should go back, and revise it.

• No Caps

Many of your words are in caps, and that is inappropriate.

I'LL NOT GET RAPED TODAY OR ANY DAY!

This, in particular, is hard to read and makes me cringe in agony. There is no need to add all those caps. We understand simple words better.

Writing Style: 3/5

I felt something awkward's when I was reading your book, but I couldn't place my finger on what it was. So I read your book for the third time and found the element that was bothering me.

Redundancy. There was a lot of redundancy in your book. Whether they were paragraph starting or a sentence, in particular, there was repetition.

My heart...

I kicked...

My heart...

I may not...

See what I'm talking about? Most your paras start with either a my, I, or he.

Now, there is sentence repetition too. Look at this para, and you'll understand what I'm talking about.

There has been superstitious talk about the government having the infected inside the walls in a secret laboratory room. Who knows. . . I doubt it though. Although recently I've been paying more attention to every detail and everything going on here. It's possible. . . . although they may be wrong. Or they may be right since anything is possible in Fort Dawn .

This was a hella confusing para. Stick to one thing, either it's possible or it's not. You're confusing your reader by doing this.

Another form of repetition you had,

My eyes are unique.

I'm extremely rare...

I'm like valuable...

Really? We are aware that she is rare but stop it. It's getting annoying.

You tell a lot. Rather than showing the things, happening in the world, you tell it to your reader. We readers don't need to be spoon-fed. We can work with our minds and figure things on our own.

You told me everything before the story even started. You told me she was rare, the leader liked her, etc. You didn't need to do that. I could've managed without it. You should be showing me those things, like with simple actions such as Axel stammering when he talks to her, his cheeks flushing, rubbing his neck. These signs are enough.

These are the problems I found in your writing style, and these are the problems you should fix.

Character Building: 2/5

Skylar: She is... How do I say this politely? Ugh! I hate this. She is the epitome of vanity, and I don't think she's a fit for your main character. She's so immersed in her beauty that she doesn't even talk about anything else. As a reader, it's annoying to be in the mind of such an arrogant person.

You should've tried to get in the mind of a beautiful girl and think things from her angle. Let me tell you what she thinks. Look, even I get asked for all the time but my thinking isn't like that. We don't even think about such things, we are too busy living life to keep thinking about our beauty.

So, my words. I don't like Skylar. If you want to keep her as your main character, filter her thoughts and make them sound more human.

Other characters in your book have not been given much space or time to develop (Skylar's talk about her beauty overshadows the first ten chapters). So, I can't even bring myself to say much about them.

Plot + Uniqueness: 4.5/5

The idea of the poison is unique. I swear I've never seen this idea before, and it's a great thing you're using new elements in the story.

Overall Score: 24.5/35

I think it's a great premise, but you need to improve the book a lot. It's necessary that you know your basics. If you found me rude, I apologize. It was not my intention to sound rude or anything along those lines. I was just trying to help you, but sorry nonetheless. I hope you accept it.

Remember, a low score does not necessarily mean your book is bad. It just needs a lot of improvement to shine, and you need to improve it to make it shine.

-Queue-

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