identities.

|| tooru oikawa. you, who are you?
|| gender neutral! reader
|| 1529 words, angst, second person

--

(who are you?)

"i heard the argentinian team's setter is japanese," your friend tells you as you both settle in your respective seats, ready for the upcoming match. the stadium is brightly lit, filled with noises from cheering squads and onlookers, the scent of salonpas and snacks mingling in the air. "isn't he like a traitor?"

"you make it sound like war," you tell them as you grab the chocolate popcorn.

"someone's defensive." they whistle. an undercurrent of mischief lingers in the atmosphere. "i mean i'd get pretty defensive too. he is kind of attractive."

"i went to the same high school as him."

"no way," they say and almost let go of their drinks, cola ready to splash into the seats. luckily, you manage to grab hold of it before any mishaps occur. "really?"

you nod.

you were, weren't you? the same high school, banners of mint blue and white, the same place where you first met him. those chocolate brown locks of hair and that grin that always reeked of confidence and hid a thousand of insecurities within. tooru. even the name makes you nostalgic.

a vortex of emotions linger in your heart, ones that were so intense you once thought you'd combust. they're not as strong as they were before, tornadoes and hurricanes now a simple breeze with only a minuscule amount of strength to make dust dance the sway. the love, the longing, the sadness and the inevitable dissappointment.

(you're not ushijima, you remember. you're not his sworn rival, that one person who he promises to crush beneath his fingertips, the one that will watch him rise with that pride he has deemed worthless.)

second year. the finals for the spring high end with aoba johsai losing to shiratorizawa. zero to three sets. they share handshakes over the net and you can see the way oikawa's back shakes; he's still a second year and there's still next year, but he treats every battle as if it's his last. he's always been someone who gave it his all, so persevering and hardworking that you could not resist acquiescing when he confessed to you during your first year.

"i like you," he says and there's that cocksure confidence boys his age always carry. that self-assurance that always guarantees an inevitable rejection on your part. "date me."

'is that an order, your majesty?' would have been your reply, but there's an almost indiscernible tremor in his clenched fists and a slip of anxiety beneath that cool and calm facade. you figure he's going to be interesting and he's definitely alluring in a certain angle.

"why not?" you say.

"is that a yes?"

you hum as response and his eyebrows furrow. the rest is history.

when he bows toward the direction of the seijoh stands, you clap to congratulate him for doing his best and when he walks towards you and rests his head on your shoulders, you caress the locks of mocha brown and tell him that you're proud of him. you are.

"comfort me," he says as he burrows himself deeper into your inviting touch; he sounds like a child which earns a chuckle from your lips.

"what do you think i'm doing tooru?" you ask as you pause from caressing his hair.

"oh," he says, looking up with those eyes. "don't stop."

at the onset of your relationship, you foolishly believed that he was wrapped around your fingers. you were an intelligent person, someone who was admired by your peers, who knew what they wanted in life and went for it with single-minded determination. you were a catch, as people would put it. it would be easy to have the brown haired setter wrapped around your delicate fingers.

"thank you," he says. he needs you, he needs you like air to breathe. he's still scared and you are the light that wards away the shadows filled with horrors he has yet to gain the courage to face. "i love you."

you would give him the world if he wanted to.

how the tables have turned.

(you're not kageyama. not that brilliant, brilliant boy who manages to draw out all of oikawa's insecurities into the open; his frustrations and bitterness over the fact that no matter how much he works hard, harder, hardest, kageyama will catch up, he will he will and i'm scared.)

third year. aoba johsai loses to karasuno during the spring tournament semi-finals. one to two sets. they share handshakes. oikawa thanks those who cheered them on. on the way home, he thanks his teammates. he thanks you too, but he does not fall into your arms and you do not run your fingers through his hair. he smiles and it's a genuine, beautiful smile.

he's no longer scared, you think. he no longer needs a light to ward away the shadows. he'll continue this path and he no longer needs you like air to breathe. he has gained courage to face the horrors he need to face.

it doesn't make you sad. no, no, of course not, because oikawa is one of those people who will soar high even if they're not destined to, the ones who give everything to achieve their dreams.

"i'm so happy for you, tooru."

(you're not iwaizumi who's is his rival and partner and equal. iwaizumi who is strong, who knows him better than anyone, who knows how to say the right things at the right time and motivate him, inspire him and share promises that would last until time immemorial.)

the end of your third year. you gain a lot of accolades. he gains athlete of the year. you take pictures together and he puts on one of his stupid smiles as the cameras flash and parents, teachers and your batchmates clap.

"congratulations," he tells you. you remember his words to you. his goal, his plans to achieve that goal.

"i'm leaving," he says. you don't miss the way he says it with no remorse. this is for his dream. oikawa tooru will conquer the world with his hardwork and determination.

he no longer needs you.

"congratulations to you too, tooru."

the next day, you told him that you're breaking up.

it wasn't meant to last. he'd be in another part of the world while you stay and take university. he nods and accepts it. he bades you farewell and you tell him good luck. you're the first one to turn away and you maintain the serene smile on your face all the way to your room and when the windows and doors are shut tight, you fall to your bed face first and let the teardrops escape.

(you're you.)

(you're that person who holds his hands when they're trembling and wipe the tears away, that person that he turns to when he needs a shoulder to cry on. the one who cheers him up and cheers him on before, during and after his battles. a momentary respite from all the aching. you're a temporary band-aid meant to stop the bleeding and when the blood is gone and the wounds have closed, you no longer need to cling onto him.)

he didn't force you, you gave yourself up willingly because you love him and your love is in care and protection and support. and he accepted it all with that dashing smile of his and you give and give and give, what i wouldn't give to make you smile that smile i love so much.

you're a part of his journey. one that's not meant to stay until the end.

and the thought doesn't make you sad. at least not anymore. maybe some people are just supposed to stay for a chapter of someone's life. maybe they're just there to help them get through the challenges thrown by life. then they leave and go on their separate stories.

you watch oikawa tooru conquer the world.

and it's fine.

you turn away from the court and talk to your friend, expressing your excitement for the upcoming match. they look at you with dubious eyes and you insist for a few seconds that you really did go to the same school before going into one of your banters, laughing at each other and throwing silly remarks.

you miss the way oikawa's eyes dart towards the front row seats, the way his eyes lingers on your laughing form and how you talk so casually with your companion. was that person your partner? lucky them, he thinks, a bitter undertone in his words that he thought he had gotten rid of after all those years in another country. he shakes his head and shoves the conflicting emotions away. the jealousy, the longing, the wish to run all the way up to your spot and hold you in his arms again.

of course he doesn't do all those things. he turns away. looking at you makes his eyes hurt sometimes. even under all these blinding lights, you remain the most brilliant to him. even in that point where he's fulfilling his dreams one by one, you remain the most unreachable.

(who are you?)

(you're the one he loves.)

---

|| i'm really glad i finally have some variety in this oneshot collection.
|| oikawa's the first haikyuu!! character who i wrote a fic for so he has a special place in my heart (even tho i dragged his character through the mud in supermarket flowers, i'm sorry)
|| i'm probably taking another break after this 'cause my schedule's getting hectic again.
|| i hope you guys enjoy ♡
|| as always, stay safe and healthy ♡
|| kylalily, 2020