┊┊┊┊ ➶ ❁۪ 。˚ ✧

┊┊┊┊ ➶ ❁۪ 。˚ ✧

GROWING UP IN SEOUL went to a coffee shop close to Reunion Tower. They each ordered a little snack and a drink and were sitting in the very back of the café. Yujin was holding on to her mug, not knowing how to start talking.

She knew her band wasn't forcing her to talk about anything she felt uncomfortable with. But Yujin knew she had to finally come clean to her band members. Especially since she didn't know how long she was able to keep up the act of "happy-go-lucky-Ahn-Yujin".

She took a deep breath and took a sip of her chocolate mocha, before setting the mug down and leaning back into her chair.

"This isn't easy to talk about" she confessed and a sad chuckle left her lips. "Take your time, Yu" Heereum spoke softly and Yujin felt Jungwon grab onto her hand. She looked at the younger male and felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes.

She sniffled.

Sunoo reacted immediately and got out a pack of paper tissues from his backpack. He handed them to Yujin who nodded. "Thanks" she sniffled and wiped her eyes. She took another deep breath and closed her eyes.

"I had a boyfriend throughout middle and high school" Yujin started and a sad smile befell her lips. Heereum widened her eyes. She had known Yujin for so long, but never knew that she had been in a long term relationship. Sunoo and Jungwon seemed equally surprised as her.

"Quite the shock, right?", she asked and chuckled nervously. "Ahn Yujin, who's absolutely in love with idol Park Jisung of NCT had a boyfriend" she shook her head, "I always wanted to tell you about him, but I never found the right time to be honest."

"When did you two break up?", Sunoo suddenly asked and Yujin chuckled. "This January. A month before we graduated" she confessed. "He broke up with me" she then added, "because I'm not good enough for him."

"What the fuck?", Jungwon gasped. "How could someone say something like that? How can you not be good enough for someone! What bullshit is that?" Yujin shook her head. "In our case I really wasn't good enough. But I should start at the beginning, right?"

Her three bandmates nodded and Yujin leaned back. The memories of these past six years were a bit scary, but she knew if she told her band mates about it now, she would get all the support and love she needed.

She knew GUIS loved her and she loved them.

Ahn Yujin was thirteen years old when she first met Park Hajun in middle school. Their teacher had just introduced himself and wanted the class to make a funny introduction game. Yujin was put in a team with Hajun.

For his thirteen years, Hajun was pretty mature and tall—and to Yujin, who was awkwardly tall for a teenage girl, he had the perfect height. She grinned at him with a bright smile and Hajun looked at her, a bit confused and antsy, but after a few seconds of intensely staring at each other, he smiled back.

"I'm Ahn Yujin" she introduced herself and threw her hand in the middle of their bodies. "My hobbies are playing the guitar, soccer and Idol groups!" Yujin smiled at him and Hajun grinned. "I'm Park Hajun. I like soccer as well and I don't know a lot of Idol groups, to be honest."

The two immediately clicked and quickly became friends. Sometimes the tension between them was awkward, they were normal thirteen year olds and being with the other gender was still seen as weird. Boys were smelly after all!

"Hajun was a really good friend of mine. He was charming, played soccer with me and took care of me when the other boys made fun of my height" Yujin said and set her cup down. She looked over to her band mates. They were glued to her ears. "We went on this super awkward date to the Arcade at the end of year one and started dating afterwards" Yujin confessed. She rolled her eyes at the memories of her childish love story.

Hajun would hold Yujin's hand and sometimes lift it, to press a wet and sloppy kiss onto her hand. "Yujin-ah" he started, putting his other hand on the small of her back and helping her up the stairs. She looked at him and gave him a weak smile. "I can walk up the stairs myself, Hajun-ah" she said, but saw the distant expression on his face.

"What is it?", she asked and he pulled her in an awkward hug. "When we're still together, when we're eighteen... let's get married and have children. My biggest wish is to have beautiful children of my own one day."

Yujin looked at him. "Ya! We just turned fourteen! We still have plenty of time to think about stuff like that!" At least that was Yujin thought. Their relationship blossomed and everyone in their school loved the middle school sweethearts and how strong their relationship was going.

When they were sixteen they chose different high school, but promised to meet each other as often as possible. And it worked. Yujin sometimes picked up Hajun from school and they would chill at PC-Cafés or at a local park.

But as older they got, the needier they became.

Yujin had no issues with exploring each others bodies. But she wanted to take pre-cautions. So she asked her mother to make an appointment at a gynecologist for her. Mama Ahn looked at her daughter. "Why? You just turned seventeen, don't you think it's a little early to have intercourse?"

"It's not about having intercourse. I just want to check if I'm healthy in case Hajun and I do become a bit ... wild, you know?" Mama Ahn chuckled at her daughters explanation and nodded.

Hajun was excited about the news of Yujin getting a check-up and promised to get himself checked as well. He couldn't believe how grown up they were! They were already thinking about things they had to do in order to become parents!

"Hajun was very fixated on the idea of becoming parents as soon as we turned eighteen. I was busy with our band, so I didn't quite realize what exactly he was thinking about all of this." Yujin bit her bottom lip. "It's still hard to think about, since this was just last year" she shook her head.

"Yu, I think you were brave and very mature for getting a check-up before doing the nasty with your boyfriend" Sunoo said and Yujin chuckled. "The thing is" she said, "we never ended up doing it."

Silence washed over the table. "Even with you getting a check up and everything?", asked Jungwon and Yujin nodded. "I know you boys all get grossed out about feminine stuff like that but the next part is going to be very girl-orientated" Yujin warned and took another sip .

It took Mama Ahn and Yujin a while to get an appointment at a good gynecologist. And Yujin was quite nervous. She had lied to Sunoo and Heereum, about why she was missing todays practice. She was feeling a little bit guilty.

"Don't worry, it won't be that bad. It'll only hurt a little, baby" Mama Ahn smiled and Yujin grinned. Her mother was currently pregnant and seventeen-year-old Yujin couldn't wait to have another small sibling.

Similar to Hajun, she loved the idea of having a baby or two herself. Even if Hajun's timeline was a bit too quick for her liking.

"Ahn Yujin!", a nurse called and Yujin and her mother stood up. Yujin grabbed her mothers hand and they entered the doctors office. First the doctor asked her a few questions and Yujin asked him politely about the options of contraception.

The doctor told her her options and then asked for a quick ultra sound. After doing the check-up—which ended up hurting Yujin a lot more than expected—the doctor asked Yujin and her mother to sit back down in the waiting room.

Yujin had tears in her eyes. "I already thought the doctor had forgotten us, when the nurse called my mom instead of me." Sunoo exchanged a look with Heereum, he was confused. But even Heereum had an unreadable expression on her lips.

"W-What did the doctor say?" Jungwon asked, "did he give you contraception?" Yujin shook her head. "I wouldn't need any" she said with a sad smile. Suddenly tears dripped down her eyes and onto the wooden table of the café.

"What did he say, Yu?"

"I thought I was only a late bloomer" she confessed, "I thought I was a late bloomer for getting my period at sixteen and not like the other girls earlier. But apparently I was born with uterine abnormalities which means I'm infertile."

"I-Infertile?" Heereum asked and Sunoo gasped. "Wait", Jungwon let out, "you can't become pregnant? Ever?", he asked and Yujin nodded. "I didn't dare to tell Hajun. I waited until we finished our final exams and we, as GUIS, had settled everything." Yujin shook her head.

"How did he react?", asked Sunoo, reaching out to grab Yujin's shaking hand. Heereum did the same.

"Hey babe, how were your exams?", asked Hajun and pressed a needy kiss onto her lips. Yujin grinned into the kiss. "I think I passed. What have we planned today? I promised the guys to be home for the party the kids prepared" Yujin smiled.

"Oh, I think we could start trying for a baby?", he suddenly said and Yujin's smile fell. It had been only a month since she got the diagnosis from her gynecologist. She had almost forgotten the plan Hajun had written down when he was younger.

He wanted to become parents as soon as school was over.

"Hajun" Yujin started and watched Hajun put his hands on her stomach. "I can't wait for our little one to be in there, kicking and jumping when he hears our voice."

"I'm infertile."

Hajun stopped moving. "What?", he asked and took his hand off Yujin's stomach. "What did you say?" Yujin explained to him what the doctor said but he took a step back and shook his head. "This can't be true, Ahn Yujin, we made a plan!"

Yujin was crying at this point, trying to prove that she never intended to be infertile and that it wasn't her fault. But Hajun didn't want to listen to her.

"This is ruining the whole plan!", he shouted and shook his head. "This is ruining everything, Yujin!" Yujin lifted her hand. "I'm sorry, Hajun. I really am."

"Don't touch me. This is making me sick."

Yujin bit her bottom lip. "I'm sorry" she repeated but he shook his head. "We have to break up. This is ruining the whole plan, Ahn Yujin. I-I don't think I can see you anymore."

"After that he visited my home one last time. I was alone that night, getting ready to move in the house with y'all." Yujin smiled at her band mates—no, her best friends. "He knocked and I let him in. He was playing a victim and told me over and over that I ruined everything and that no other girl in his university wanted to get pregnant yet." She shook her head.

"I told him that he can't just come back as he wishes and that he broke us apart. Guess what he said?", Yujin asked and cocked her eyebrow. "He wanted to be friends, right?", asked Jungwon and looked down on the table.

All three GUIS members didn't know what to say. Yujins story felt way too personal. All of their own issues seemed nothing next to Yujins.

"Yes. He wanted to be friends but I told him it's over. And ever since I moved in with y'all I haven't heard of him. And it's okay. I sometimes get sad over this, when I see families or cute little babies" she confessed.

"That's why I cried earlier. There was a young couple with a cute baby and I felt like this was robbed off me—"

Jungwon had thrown himself onto Yujin and had hugged her. "I'm so sorry, Yujin-noona" he cried into her shoulder and Yujin chuckled and gently rubbed his shoulders. "It's okay, Wonnie. Don't cry."

Heereum looked at Yujin. "Why didn't you tell us sooner?", she asked and Yujin shook her shoulders. "I guess I was embarrassed about the fact that I'm only eighteen and already infertile." Heereum sighed. "There's nothing to be worried or embarrassed about. It's actually a common issue."

"Is there any way we can help you, when you get sad about things like that?", asked Sunoo and Yujin shook her head. "Just let me cry it out and hold me. It'll be more than enough. I promise."

Yujin looked at her best friends, who seemed even sadder than before. "I'm glad I could finally talk to you about it. It felt weird bottling up something this big." She sighed and gently rubbed Jungwon's shoulder.

"I feel way better now. Thank you." 

— ❄︎ —

𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠!

𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞.

𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮.

—𝕤𝕟𝕠𝕨𝕗𝕝𝕒𝕜𝕖𝕤𝕠𝕟𝕞𝕪𝕝𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕠𝕡