Late the next morning, Julie pulled up to Niall and Amanda's house with Grace. She had agreed pick up Amanda's meds from the pharmacy for her and drop by for a visit. Sort of pay -back for when Amanda did her that solid when she first found out she was pregnant. Everyone at the hospital loved seeing Grace, and Grace definitely didn't mind the attention. Julie was going to have her hands full, a baby just like her father. She put the meds into the diaper bag, the diaper bag over her shoulder, and then grabbed the car seat that contained Grace out of the back. Her hands were quite full every time she came out with Grace.

Julie walked up to the door and rang the bell as she switched Grace from one hand to the other. She smiled when Amanda opened the door. "I come bearing gifts." She stepped inside as Amanda slid the diaper bag from her shoulder and carried it down the steps for her.

"You brought my favorite gift." Amanda grabbed the diaper bag and leaned down to Grace. "Huh? You're Auntie Panda's favorite."

"Geez, have a baby and everyone forgets all about you." Julie grumbled as she walked over and set Grace down on the couch.

Amanda laughed. "Not completely, but yeah, sorry."

Julie shook her head as she started to unbuckle Grace. "Your meds are in the diaper bag. I'm going to change her and wash her up quick. She spent quite a bit of time loving up everyone at the hospital. I just want to make sure she's completely clean."

Amanda nodded and grabbed her meds from the bag. "Thanks for this. Figured you owed me since you wished this morning sickness shit on me. Cursed me like a terrible friend."

"I didn't knock you up. And I've been told by you multiple times, no matter how much I write it down, or wish it into existence, that doesn't actually make it come true." Julie replied as she picked Grace up from the carrier. Her friends had told her that over and over again when it came to Johnny and her writing. When he tried to use her writing a better life, meeting a celebrity and then whisking her away in court and when she wished him dead, and couldn't get past that when he actually got himself killed.

"Yeah, yeah. Still would have been nice if you could have gone along with the, 'I'm so happy you don't have any morning sickness at all bestie' attitude." Amanda countered as she walked with Julie to the bathroom.

"I don't even consider your ten minutes of queasiness a day morning sickness." Julie advised as she grabbed a cloth and waited for the warm water to wash Grace off with. "Your complaints are not computing over here." She set the cloth down and grabbed a towel to dry Grace's hands and face. She could tell Amanda was itching to get her hands on the baby. "You can have her, but then you have to change her diaper."

"Like I care!" Amanda exclaimed. "Gimme that perfect little thing!" She smiled widely and took Grace, holding her up while supporting her head, laughing into Grace's surprised face. "Come on my favorite. Who needs that mean old mommy anyway." She brought her down to her and nuzzled her neck. "You are so flipping cute! I could just eat you up!" She walked her over to the changing table and laid her down.

"I'll make a bottle. I'm surprised she's not raising holy hell already. Be prepared though; screams of terror may happen if you don't change her fast enough." Julie said as she walked towards the kitchen to warm some water.

"Not from this innocent little thing. She's the perfect little Angel. I know it." Amanda tickled her little tummy. "I can't believe she's six weeks old already. How does time go so fast? I swear you just had her." And as she completed her sentence, Amanda watched as it began. The fists were made, the face turned red, the eyes squinted, the lip quivered, and then, before she could fully close the diaper, the wails started. "Ok, ok. Mommy knows best. I'm sorry. I'm hurrying."

Julie walked out of the kitchen holding out the bottle. She gave Amanda a look like, see, play stupid games, win stupid prizes. "Ready for the quiet plug?"

"Can you take her while I wash my hands?" Amanda put Grace's pants back on and looked at Julie. "Oh, don't look so smug."

"Yeah. I got her." Julie walked over and picked Grace up. "Thank you, for showing your Devil side to someone else." She chuckled, and as soon as she picked her up, Grace settled some and looked at her expectantly. "You ready for this?" She laid Grace back on one arm and put the bottle into her mouth. "There you go, before you even starved."

Amanda watched from the sink as she washed her hands. How Julie couldn't see the connection she had with Grace, was unbelievable. As much as she'd grown since they'd started dealing with Johnny and the issues he'd caused, Julie still had so many lingering doubts regarding what he had done to her. But damn, if she didn't just automatically bond with Grace. Grace literally calmed down as soon as Julie was near her. She all but stopped crying as soon as Julie picked her up, and she relaxed fully as soon as that bottle was in her mouth. "JJ you're like magic with her. It's so amazing to see."

Julie plopped down on the couch with Grace. "I had what she wanted. If you brought her bottle, she'd have settled for you too. She's obsessed with eating."

"She was calming down before that bottle went to her mouth. She recognized you as soon as you were near her." Amanda insisted as she walked back to the couch.

"Cuz I'm the one that feeds her like most of the time." Julie shrugged.

"You're still impossible, JJ. And you wonder why Grace is my new favorite." Amanda took Grace as Julie shifted her into her arms.

"Yeah, just ask Harry." Julie sat back on the couch after she let Amanda finish feeding Grace. "But see, bottle in mouth, her in your arms, she's doing just fine."

"Yes, JJ, still not the point." Amanda watched Julie for a moment. "So, you want to talk to me? You've been trying to act like your normal annoying self, but there's something going on. And your little 'ask Harry' comment wasn't unnoticed. What's got you so bent?"

"Me and my issues. When isn't it about me and my issues?" Julie reached into the diaper bag when she heard her text alert. It was Harry asking where she was. She texted back that she was visiting with Amanda and, asked if he wanted to stop over. She waited for his response and when he said no, he'd see her later, she sighed and just put her phone back in the bag. He always came when it was Amanda and Niall's. Always.

"What? JJ? What is it?" Amanda asked as she checked how much Grace ate and then set her on her shoulder to burp her.

"Nothing. Harry just wanted to know where we were. I told him. Asked him if he was going to stop over, he said no." She shrugged. "No big deal."

It probably wasn't. He didn't need to come every time JJ came. But Amanda did sort of find it strange. He always seemed to come visit with Niall when JJ was here. "Probably not a big deal. But he usually does come. However, I'm more concerned about your issues, or what you think is the problem because of your issues."

Julie shrugged. "We'd be here all night again if we started in on my issues." She glanced over at Amanda. "Last night, everything sort of came to a head. Things have been tough since we brought Grace home. With all the house guests, my questioning my ability to be a mother on top of everything else, learning how to take care of a baby as well as be a married couple. And my never-ending insecurities."

Julie leaned forward and put her face in her hands and rubbed over it. "Last night things got, just, tense. And I know it's my fault. But it runs so deep. I just can't seem to help it."

Amanda laid Grace back in her arms and put the bottle back in her mouth. "You should talk to me, JJ. In more detail, because it sounds like you really need it. I know you'll tell me that's what you have a therapist for, but sometimes, you just need your best friend. Don't tell me I have enough going on; don't tell me I don't need the stress. Please, just let me be my best friend's sounding board, so that she doesn't drive herself crazy."

Julie took a deep breath and tried to push her tears aside. "Yesterday was my six week checkup. And the doctor cleared me. Everything is perfect. All has healed great. No restrictions. Up until yesterday I could use that as an excuse every time Harry wanted to get close to me. Doctor's orders. Can't do this or that because it could do more damage. Every time I pushed him away or stopped him from touching me, I used that as my excuse. And then, yesterday came. And I didn't have it for an excuse anymore." Julie took a shaky breath. "But I sure tried to come up with some. Why I couldn't change in front of him, why I couldn't let him touch my body. Why there was no way we could possibly have sex with Grace sleeping in the same room with us."

Amanda sat back and listened. After a while, she had a feeling she knew where this was going, but she wanted to let JJ get it all out. When JJ actually brought up sex without turning six shades of red, she knew it had to be pretty deep. Harry was a really good guy, and some pretty boneheaded choices aside since they'd gotten back together, and even before they broke up, he had been JJ's biggest supporter. Never questioned her beauty to him. Or her worth. But her insecurities still ran deep because of the lies she was fed during her formative years. And with Harry's line of work, and the people he spent time with, it wasn't easy for JJ to ever truly get past those negative thoughts. She held Graces bottle with her chin for a second so she could put her hand on JJ's arm in silent encouragement.

Julie took another deep breath. "He called me out. Pretty much broke down exactly what I was doing. And when I got defensive, he told me to stop deflecting and that I knew he was telling the truth. And for the first time since we got back together, we went to bed without him telling me he loved me. And I know it's my fault. I'm so used to him saying it I waited. And when he didn't, it took me awhile to say it, but when I did, it was too late. I just hope he was asleep, and he didn't ignore me. I'm afraid to ask if he heard me or not."

Amanda nodded and swallowed the lump in her throat. "Well, you should ask, only because I know you, and you'll dwell on it forever, if you don't. My guess is, he'd never ignore you, no matter how hurt or upset he is. Talk to me about these insecurities though."

"It's just the same shit. My body is a disaster since I had Grace. More so than normal. There's so much extra in my stomach area, and the stretch marks, and it's so, just, all flabby. Yeah, maybe it was all cute when it was a baby bump, but now there's no baby, and it's just extra grossness. Why would he want to see that? Feel it? He's always working out, and every single person he's around has not one single flaw." Julie asked, getting up from the couch.

Amanda wanted to chuckle, but she also wanted to curse Johnny. It would be ok to curse the dead in this scenario, right? "JJ, you grew a freaking baby in your body. A BABY! A human freaking being. Give yourself a break. How do you expect your body to accommodate a whole other human and not have some extra as you call it? You are the only one who has such unrealistic expectations of yourself. And believe me, we all know where they come from." Amanda checked the bottle again and then lifted Grace to burp her again. "You are the only person who thinks Harry's going to see nothing but whatever little stomach you have left from having Grace."

"It's all I see. And it's just another part of me he's going to have to overlook. He already overlooks so much because I'm so flawed, now let's add some more. And I've already upset him so much, he can't even say he loves me." Julie wiped her eyes. "Like I don't even understand anymore."

Amanda sighed. "I really wish there was something I could say to help you. The worst case scenarios you have running through your head now, I know I can't change them. I already know you." And Harry saying he didn't want to come over today, after not saying he loved her last night, definitely exacerbated those thoughts. "Talk to him. You've been doing so well with talking it out with him. Don't hide this anymore. Be honest with him how you feel."

"I can't." Julie sat down again, defeated. "He'll just tell me he's told me over and over again that I'm beautiful to him, and I shouldn't ever question that. And there's nothing else he can prove to me."

"JJ." Amanda laid Grace back down in her arms for the last of her bottle. "Even if you think that's what he's going to say, just do it anyway. Don't use Grace as an excuse to get out of a conversation. In fact, why don't you leave her here? Niall will be home soon, we have the bassinet now, it's the same one you have for Grace, he can set that up, and we can watch her. You can come get her when you're ready."

"No, it's ok. You don't need to be watching her because of our sex life." Julie said wiping her face. "I'm sorry I brought it up."

"Stop that. It's deeper then your sex life. And you need to talk to someone, and I hope that someone is always me. And you act like me watching my favorite little person is a burden, but it isn't. I would have said to leave her to spend the night, but I know you wouldn't do that yet. So, go talk to your husband. Deal with your issues, without having to worry about breaking the conversation to deal with Grace, and when you're done, no matter the time, you can come get her. I may not even make you tell me if you had make up sex or not." Amanda chuckled at the groan that came from JJ. "Come on. Just let me spend some time with Grace. And you deal with your other baby."

..........

Niall walked into the house and stopped when he saw Amanda walking back and forth with Grace. "Well, hello." He said as he resumed his way into the room and kissed her and then Grace's head. "What do we have here? I didn't see any of the Styles' cars in the driveway."

Amanda chuckled. "Yeah, I kidnapped her. Don't tell." She smiled at Niall. "We're watching her for a bit. I had to send JJ home to deal with some things she and Harry need to deal with. Plus, who wouldn't want this beautiful little thing anyway?"

Niall shook his head. "I wouldn't have questioned the kidnapping." He took Grace's hand and let her hold his pinky as he smiled at her. "Hope all is ok."

Amanda shrugged. "I think so. Or it will be. Sometimes, they just need time and a nudge. She's in her head, and he's frustrated by it is what I got from the little she said. The Johnny trauma runs deep. Every new thing, will ultimately run back to that bastard and what he programmed into her."

Niall pretended to cover Grace's ears. "Shhhh. Young ears, wife." He chuckled when Amanda rolled her eyes. "Well, hopefully some interruption free time will let them work it out. And I don't mind spoiling their baby for a while."

Amanda smiled. "Well, I'm glad you say that...." She laughed when Niall groaned and asked what he had to do now. "That bassinet we got early, in case we ever got to babysit before our baby was born? Well, you sort of need to put it together, like, right now."

Niall squinted his eyes. "Oh you're so lucky both of you are so damn cute."

Amanda gasped. "Young ears, Uncle Niall, Young ears."

Niall shook his head. "I'll get right on that. But is there a reason you're pacing the floor instead of relaxing and staring at her?"

"She definitely knows her mom isn't here. She's been restless since she left. She is really good when I'm up and moving, but when I sit, then she's fussy. And JJ thinks she has no connection with this child. Pfft. She's so full of it." Amanda scoffed.

"Another Johnny conundrum I'm sure." Niall went and pulled the box out to start putting the bassinet together.

"No doubt. But, you may need to do some walking, because I don't know how much longer ours will let me move around without causing an issue. So, if maybe you could build, quickly." Amanda chuckled at the look Niall gave her. "Sorry. But I love you very much."

Niall grumbled as he pulled out the pieces to the bassinet. "Yeah, yeah, I love you too."

.........

Julie walked into the house reluctantly. She might have driven around the neighborhood once or twice before she got home. She wasn't looking forward to any part of this discussion. She opened the door to quiet and darkness. The car was home, but that didn't mean he was. He went out often without driving on his own. She tossed the keys in the bowl by the door and sighed. Married less than six months, and they already were messing it all up. Or she was. But to be fair, she pretty much called it from the beginning of their relationship. Well, she could grab a bite to eat, maybe take an uninterrupted shower and then go back and get Grace. She walked to the fridge and looked in it. Nothing that looked good would do anything to help with her problem. She grabbed some lettuce, baby carrots, some vinaigrette dressing and a bowl and that would be her dinner.

She sat down and ate some, but it didn't taste good enough to eat much, so she tossed the rest, washed out her bowl and headed upstairs. She opened the door to the bedroom and was surprised when she saw Harry standing there. "Oh. Hey. I didn't think you were home."

Harry put the rest of the clothes he was holding in the drawer and looked at her. "Yeah, just cleaned up, did some laundry, so you didn't have to do it later. Where's Grace?"

"Amanda and Niall's." She sighed. "Sorry I'd have told you when I got home. I just really thought you were gone, it was so quiet."

"It's ok. I didn't even hear you come in. You've been here awhile? Why is she at Amanda and Niall's?" He asked more than curious. Julie never wanted anyone to sit with Grace. Not yet. She barely went anywhere and left him alone with Grace.

"Just long enough to sort of eat a salad for dinner." She went and sat on the end of the bed. "So we could talk. Or I guess I could once again admit my fucked up issues and see if there's yet another part of you that can accommodate them."

"Don't do that." Harry implored quietly.

"Why not? We already know that's what it is, right? It's why you said what you said last night. Why for the first time in years, we went to bed without you saying you loved me? Because you're tired of the shit that keeps coming up over and over again? Same shit, different day?" She wiped her eyes and swallowed the lump in her throat. "I want to ask, if you heard me say I loved you last night, but then again I don't, because part of me doesn't even want to know."

Harry closed his eyes. He didn't even realize that he didn't tell her he loved her last night. Everything was just so frustrating. But now that she said it, it really was the first time. He was trying to hold back his emotions now, too. The tears threatened to spill out of the corner of his eyes. "I didn't hear you, Julie. And you're right. I am frustrated." He opened his eyes to look at her. "But I do love you. And I'd never purposely do that. I'm sorry I didn't realize it last night, and I am sorry it hurt you. But I'm hurt too. I can't keep trying to compete with your demons. No matter how many times I tell you that you are everything to me. Beautiful no matter what. It never will overcome the negative that he put in your head so long ago."

"It's not just his words. It's me. Looking at it. Every day. And seeing the obsession with the body shape even you go after, for your career, and the people you surround yourself with. And I'm stuck looking at this, complete mess of a body that I can't control. When I'm stressed I'm too thin. When I'm happy, I'm too curvy, and now, now, I'm just too flabby. Nothing goes back where it's supposed to be. And I'm supposed to let you touch it, study it, dissect it like you've always done. All I can feel is you seeing nothing but what's not supposed to be there. What I see every time I look in the mirror." She shook her head as the tears fell to her cheeks.

"None of that came from me. The only time I was worried about you being too thin, was when it affected your health. I never once, complained about your curves. I know you sarcastically put up the front about the extra padding all of the time, but I love every part of you." He walked over and sat at the end of the bed next to her. "And you carried my baby, which is the most incredible thing anyone could ever do. I don't see you any differently. Whatever you think is a new problem, or new imperfection, I won't ever see. If you want to work on it, then I will help you, the right way, but I will love you, and want you, just the way you are. Watching you try to choke down your version of a salad, and food you don't enjoy to appease these unrealistic expectations, is insane to me. I won't be a part of it."

Julie shook her head. "I wish you'd get it. I wish you could understand how it makes me feel."

"And I wish you didn't feel that way at all because of me. I wish you could believe that I love you completely, but you just can't." Harry rubbed over his face.

"I know. I know I'm waiting for the moment for you to find that one thing. The one thing that finally makes you say, that's it. That's why she'll never be good enough." Julie stood up and took off her oversized hoodie. "And this...." She pulled up her T-shirt. "And my inability to get rid of it, even after six weeks.  Is just my next irrational fear." She put her hand on her much smaller but still visible bump, with stretch marks still visible, even though she used every cream known to humankind to try to lesson them.

Harry couldn't help but chuckle and shake his head as he sniffled. "Baby." He reached for her hand and pulled her to him. "You frustrate me so fucking much." He looked up into her tear soaked face and her sad eyes. "But, I will say it again, there is nothing wrong with any part of you. You had a baby. One that pushed your body to the limits. If I didn't think it would get me punched, I would call your little belly the cutest thing I've ever seen." He chuckled at her growl. "I was a jerk for coming at you all wrong last night, and not telling you I love you. But I won't apologize for loving every perfect part of you, every single day. And it's perfect. It made Grace. And there is nothing more perfect then that."

"I know it's always my issue. I know I can't ever get over it. But it literally makes it hard to breathe when I think about it. When I think about you wrapping your arms around me and the only thing you'll grab is all of that." She sighed and wiped at her face. "Harry, don't." She watched him raise her shirt back up.

"Oh, I'm gonna." He kissed her stomach. "You may be uncomfortable with it. But I'm not. It's you. And it's nothing to worry about. And it changes nothing about how much I want or need you." He looked up at her eyes. "As much as I want to push and kind of scream and yell at you that you need to listen to me, I want you to be comfortable. So, when you are, just know, all of you, is what I want. No matter what that is."

Julie started to cry again. "Will I ever feel like a normal person again? Like ever? Will I ever get anything right?"

Harry pulled her close and hugged her tightly. "You married me. You got that right, so, there's hope for you yet." He chuckled when she groaned and smacked his shoulder. "I still love you and that semi-violent streak oh so much."

Thanks again for coming back on this journey with me...
I am always super sorry that I went through such a long terrible time

I'm happy to hopefully give them an ending they deserve at some point

Love you all 😘