***What follows is a non-canonical tale to celebrate the winter season. Enjoy a bit of fun and frippery!***

Fred came to his senses at the first kiss of snow on his chin.

"No touchie, cyborg lady!" He flailed, dislodging himself from the crook of branches and fell a full story to the ground. He lay there for a few moments, sprawled in a rather uncomfortable set of angles between the trunk and the ground while attempting to gain his bearings.

How had he ended up in tree? Why was he only wearing a set of candy cane boxers? Was it snowing? He pondered for a bit, staring up at the falling flakes through the filter of pine needles, dangling from the branches like green filigree. The last thing he remembered was a certain red-head snagging his hand and leading him to the woods.

Ah, yes, now he remembered. Fred stretched, goofy grin firmly in place as he picked a few stray needles out of his hair. The grin faltered a bit when a shadow fell over him.

"You're ridiculous, you know that right?" JD stood over him, blotting out the sky with his clean shaven head.

"Least I'm getting laid," said Fred, flipping up to his feet. Thank goodness for the small perks of his new form, like a high resistance to the cold. It would be a bad day if he froze any bits off due to a frolic in the wilderness. The soldier snorted in disgust, throwing a bundle of clothes into Fred's face before storming away. "Get dressed. We have a situation."

Fred struggled into his pants, hopping after JD's broad form. "What's the sitch, G.I. Joe? Did you shatter someone's arm again?"

"Oh come on, that was one time. He had a safe word!" JD inhaled for patience, his nostrils flaring wide. "Lannie's missing."

Fred's foot missed the pant leg, causing him to trip and face plant. JD lifted him up by the armpits.

"She knows better than to wander off," said Fred, jerking his clothes on. It wasn't like the human formally known as Wolf Girl was incapable of defending herself. If anything, the random normal zombies wandering the perimeter of the fort actually avoided her, as if they could sense the crazy. Unfortunately, hungry undead weren't the worst of their problems.

"Any ships spotted in the area?"

JD shook his head. "No. She hasn't been missing long. Only a few hours, but you know how Li worries."

Like a neurotic terrier. Fred sighed, the last of his late night high seeping away. "Where do you want me looking?"

"Oh you aren't going anywhere. We need you back at camp in case she comes back."

Fred stopped, glaring at the back of JD's bald head. One good kick, that's all he wanted. "Seriously? What gives?"

"Nothing gives. Aside from myself, you are the best equipped to defend the fort should anything happen while we search."

Well that de-ruffled his feathers.

"Plus, you're easily distracted by shiny objects. We'd probably have to start a search party for you."

Fred's face fell. "Oh, bite me, Sarge."

***

They'd left him here. Alone. Even the regular old humans got in on the search, pairing up with the Revived in case they ran into any trouble. Last he'd seen of Li she was off with that pretty boy soldier, making moon eyes when she thought no one was looking.

Fred kicked up clouds of snow as he paced the camp. It was falling thick and fast in a layer of fresh powder that stirred his hazy memory of snowboards and frozen nostrils. Too bad there wasn't a good hill in the camp, though he bet a trash can lid and a slanted roof would do in a pinch. He bet there was a decent hill out in the woods.

Pouting, he kicked one of the camp's vans as he passed. The vehicle bucked, gave an ominous creak and slowly tipped over. Fred scrabbled to catch it, managing to stop it before it fell over. His fingers crunched into the metal, leaving a clear indent of his hands as he righted it back onto all four tires. He strolled away whistling, hoping no one noticed for a while.

Something slammed into the back of his head, a cold, wet impact that sent icy water trickling down his neck.

"Gah!" He swiped at the spot, turning just in time to catch a snowball in the face, right between the eyes. He lost his balance, slumping forward into the snow with his ass up in the air. A giggle reached his ears. A hyena laughing at him, a small female hyena with brown eyes and bushy blond hair. Fred scowled. Everyone out looking for her, and she was here the whole time, playing in the snow. He stayed on the ground, gathering up a basketball sized projectile as he waited for another hit.

*Splut*

A snowball struck his raised derriere. Oh, this meant war. He had her direction now. Fred sprang up and lobbed his mighty snowball at Lannie. He caught a flash of her face, wide eyed and slightly wild, before she ducked and rolled, dodging the giant snowball. It slammed into the tree behind her, snapping off two massive branches. Fred winced.

"Okay, maybe I threw that a little too hard," he said, crawling to his feet. He turned to Lannie, who'd crept up behind him, another snowball in her hands. "Where have you been, young lady? Everyone's out looking for you."

His adult moment of finger wagging was interrupted by the snow she shoved down his shirt. Fred considered the situation, chewing over his next course of action, before seizing the girl around her waist and hurling her into the nearest pile of snow.

"It's on like Donkey Kong!" He beat his chest and charged.

***

Fred stalked between the camps. Well, it was more of a waddle since he was carrying a snowball the size of a boulder. Where was she?

Lannie unfolded from a nearby tree, hanging upside down by her knees. She taunted him, sticking out her tongue and flipping him the bird.

"Why you little-" Fred unleashed his weapon, hurling it into the air. "Dammit!"

The projectile overshot, the downside of Hulk strength. Fred sighed, gearing up to craft another masterpiece when the snowball slammed into something in mid air with an echoing crunch.

Lannie dropped from the tree, scrambling behind Fred as the triangular shape of an alien scout ship materialized above the camp, still wobbling from its run in with the super snow ball.

"You've got to be kidding me," said Fred. At his feet Lannie started scooping snow to her in a knee high pile. Great, she was going to try to hide in the snow while he fended off a bunch of sneaky aliens. He grumbled as he marched to a nearby gray minivan, ripped off a hub cap and flung it like a frisbee at the hovering ship. The disk whizzed upward and sparked along the side of the ship, leaving little more than a scratch in the paint job. Great, he keyed the alien's ship.

Fred cast around for something else to throw, snagging one of the pretty boy soldier's socket wrenches. Lannie was still gathering snow in a pile higher than her waist, building an igloo or something. He ignored her and threw the wrench which stuck into the side of the ship with a wimpy 'thwang' sound and stuck fast.

Pretty boy was going to be pissed.

Maybe if he threw a hammer at it.

The scout ship emitted a high pitched hum. He grimaced, recognizing the sound. Fred turned, ready to grab Lannie and haul ass out of here.

"Enough with the snow fort kid..." He trailed off, stunned as the little human put the final touches on a monstrous snowball, half as tall as he was. She made a pointed gesture between the snowball and ship, nodding her head for emphasis.

"Oh darling, you are playing my song," said Fred, hefting the bulky sphere with ease. It didn't have to be a perfect shot, just a solid one. He twisted around, putting a bit of a spin into it as he let it fly. The snow boulder hurtled into the air and smashed into the side of ship with a thoroughly satisfying crunch. The rising hum of its weapons petered out with a whimper.

"Hoo Ha! Yeah, baby!" Fred fist pumped the air. The ship lurched to the side, an enormous crater denting the side. It buzzed like an electric shaver choking on a thirty year old beard and took a sharp nose dive to the ground, right where Fred and Lannie were standing.

"Oh." Fred scooped up the human, throwing her over his shoulder as he bolted for the trees. The impact caused the ground to buck beneath his feet. He cleared the immediate danger as physics caught up and a stiff hot wind kicked him in the ass. Managing to stay standing, he hunched over, yanking Lannie around to shield her from any flying bits of debris. A chunk of burning tire clipped the side of his head. When the worst of the heat subsided he chanced a look over his shoulder.

The scout ship was relatively small, and apparently filled with combustible materials. The fiery wreck practically disintegrated, leaving nothing to salvage or recover. It managed to obliterate half the fort's vehicular transports.

There was a pop and a half melted socket wrench landed at his feet.

A giggle made him turn. Lannie was lying on her back in the snow, waving her arms and legs, not a care in the world.

Fred sighed and flopped down beside her. His snow angel with a bit sooty.

***

The human soldiers and Revived gathered around the smoking scraps of the alien scout ship, sharing a collective mouths agape moment as Fred sauntered onto the scene with Lannie riding his shoulders.

"What's up guys?"

Pretty boy took a step forward, sputtering. "What--the camp---what is----my car!"

"What the hell happened?" JD shouted, causing the others around him to lean back.

Fred rolled his eyes. "Found our missing human." He reached up, poking Lannie in the ribs. She pulled his hair. "We made snow angels."

"And this?' JD pointed to the blackened crater. His veins stood out against his slate gray skin. Those surrounding him took a step back, sensing the impending eruption.

"Oh, that. Small problem. No biggie, defended the camp and all." Fred fished in his pocket, tossing the warped socket wrench to pretty boy. "You're welcome."

"My car...." the poor man mumbled, clutching the wrench to his chest.

"Put some paint on it, it'll be fine!" Fred called, racing off as Lannie shrieked with joy. The group watched them go.

JD sighed in defeat. "Utterly ridiculous."