Summary: One time Jayson gave an unusual answer to the Ravenclaw's riddle and five times Sid did. Sprinkle in some feelings and snakes and bone apple teeth.

Based off this Tumblr post:

Additional notes: most characters are OCs (some may be familiar to some of you); a-spec characters; takes place roughly around 2010 with implied and vague (or not even mentioned) time skips throughout; kinda cracky (because it's Sid and Jayson)

Yesterday, Kyra had told Jayson to try not to swear too much in front of the younger years. But Jayson, faced with an unexpected task, failed miserably.

"Why is a raven like a writing desk?" asked the bronze knocker that was in the shape of an eagle.

"Oh, fuck."

He heard a sharp intake of breath behind him and turned to see a cluster of first-years staring wide-eyed at him.

Jayson nearly swore again but managed to hold his tongue — and the parchment in his hand. "Er, sorry. Um, what happens if you get the answer wrong?"

"You have to wait for someone else to answer," one brave boy said. He glanced at Jayson's yellow and black tie. "You're not a Ravenclaw."

"Evidently. But I am here on behalf of Professor McGonagall."

His words seemed to appease the first-years.

"Are you going to answer it?" a brown-haired girl asked, bouncing on her toes.

Her gaze held a trace of a challenge and Jayson knew he couldn't decline. "Er... I'll try." He faced the knocker. "May I hear the riddle again, please?"

"Certainly," said the eagle. "Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

"Well..." Jayson hesitated, all too aware of the first-years, who were probably hoping to hear him mess up. "You shouldn't shove either of them up your arse."

The eagle paused. Then, to Jayson's surprise, the door opened.

"Whoa," said the first boy. "I didn't think of that."

"Yeah, I was thinking they both had the letter R in it." A second girl, this one with black plaits, looked up at Jayson in awe.

Jayson shifted his feet.

"Jay!" another voice saved him from having to respond. Obsidian "Sid" Amsel was walking toward him, eyes bright.

"Hey." Remembering why he had come, Jayson held out the parchment. "From Professor McGonagall."

"Thanks." Sid took it, his eyes flickering to the first-years. "You can go in now."

They grumbled but went inside, casting admiring glances back at Jayson as they went.

"What was that all about?"

"The eagle asked for a similarity between a raven and a writing desk," Jayson told him sheepishly. "I said you shouldn't shove either of them up your arse."

Sid blinked once. Then twice. Then a third time. And finally, he dissolved into sniggers and slipped onto the floor, hand covering his mouth.

Oh, fuck, Jayson thought to himself as Sid let out a series of snorts in his attempt to pull himself together. He had a crush on his best friend.

What a weird time to realize that.

Some days were worse than others. Unfortunately for third-year Morgan Cadwallader, today was one of those days. The riddle wasn't necessarily a hard one, but he just didn't have the mental capacity to work through it. So without even trying to answer, he sank to the floor with a weary sigh as he waited for his savior to come by.

His savior — saviors, actually — came by in the form of the new prefect Obsidian Amsel and his friend Desiree Sherwood. Morgan had thought they were the coolest people ever — emphasis on had because Sid had walked into a wall because he was following a frog. Now Morgan thought Desiree was the coolest.

"Oh, thank God!" Morgan cried. "I haven't been able to think straight for decades!"

"I know how you feel, kid," said Desiree, patting him on the back. "All right, eagle, let's hear it."

The eagle knocker opened its beak. "What can travel around the world while staying in a corner?"

Desiree turned to Sid. "You want to take it?"

Morgan glanced up hopefully as Sid pondered over it. "Anything can stay in the corner if you glue it down. Even a potato."

"A... a potato?" said Desiree, raising her eyebrows.

"Glue a potato to the corner of a box and send it off to one hundred countries. Bam, corner travel."

Desiree opened her mouth to point out that they could easily just put a stamp on a letter, but the opening of the door forestalled her.

"Huh," she said as she followed Sid inside.

"Thank you, Amsel!" said Morgan as he bolted inside.

"No problem! Take care!" Sid called after him.

"Why a potato?" Desiree asked.

Sid shrugged. "Why not? They're delicious."

"I guess." Great. Now Desiree wished she hadn't turned down the offer of the fried potatoes with her dinner. Dammit, Amsel!

George Weasley had grown in maturity since his school days. Or so Sid heard. Because the glint in his eyes as he handed Sid a sample of something told Sid that he really shouldn't accept anything, especially if it was free. And especially especially if it came from Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes.

So he just stood there, back ramrod straight as he tried to figure out whether he should plan his funeral or not.

"Aren't you going to try it out?" asked George.

Sid shook his head stiffly, eyes on the innocent little box in his hands.

"You might as well," said Ginny. "It won't be pretty either way."

She and George were smiling way too sweetly to ease Sid's nerves. If anything, that just made them worse. Oh, how Sid wished he had stayed inside the castle instead of letting his dormmates drag him out to Hogsmeade.

"Sid!" called a new voice. Jayson waltzed over, trying to look as though he had not been running from store to store looking for Sid.

"Hey." Sid still didn't take his eyes off the box.

Jayson's eyes landed on it. "What's that?"

"Free sample," Ginny answered.

"Ooh, free." Jayson began opening it.

"Wait, no!" But Sid's warning came too late.

Something liquid burst from the box, splattering everything within range with a bright purple substance. Not George or Ginny, though. They had cast a Shield Charm right on time.

"This is why you're not a Ravenclaw," Sid grumbled, glowering at Jayson.

"Yeah, I know." A pause. "Again!"

"NO —!"

And that was how Jayson became Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes' new favorite customer.

If the eagle knocker were sentient, it might have shrunk back as Sid stomped up to it.

"What am I?" it asked.

"Not a potato being sent around the world in a corner," Sid practically growled. And also not covered in... whatever the purple goop was.

"Fair enough," said the eagle, allowing him entry.

Desiree was calmly relaxing by the fireplace. She was also, unlike Sid, completely dry and not covered in any foreign substance. "Er, did you forget the Vanishing Charm exists?"

"Didn't work," Sid muttered. At least Ron, who had come back from visiting a heavily pregnant Hermione in the hospital, had taken pity on him and told him it could be removed via normal means. So Sid Summoned a towel.

"Ah..." Desiree winced. "Did you at least get an autograph from a Weasley?" It didn't matter which one, though Desiree was partial to Ginny.

"No." Sid ran the towel through his hair. "But I did step on Harry Potter's glasses when I bumped into him on my way out."

Desiree winced again. She may need to plan a funeral soon.

Another successful — and long — day in the library reviewing and comparing notes with classmates. Despite his tiredness, Sid had a slight bounce in his step. Elior and Oscar, not so much.

"I have no feet, no hands, no wings, but I climb to the sky," said the eagle. "What am I?"

"Smoke," said Oscar just as Sid said, "A levitating snake."

Elior sighed. "Is this about the snake incident back in second year —"

"Uh-huh." Sid sighed at the memory, which was truly Patronus-worthy if he said so himself.

"I'll take it," muttered the eagle. Evidently, Sid's dormmates weren't the only ones tired of being reminded of Sid's obsession with reptiles.

"Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid. Sid."

Sid reached up and grabbed the finger that had been poking his glasses for the past several minutes. Then he turned and smiled sweetly at the other person. "Yes?"

Jayson seemed to falter slightly, which was strange in of itself. "I was wondering..."

Something about his tone made Sid push down the urge to tease him about how it must be another day ending in Y. "Yes?" he repeated, more softly.

Out of the corner of his eye, Sid saw Desiree pause and withdraw behind the bookshelf. This was serious.

"Hogsmeade trip is coming up," Jayson said. "This weekend."

"Oh, is it?" Sid raised his eyebrows. "I didn't realize that." And he wasn't be sarcastic for once; it had genuinely slipped his mind with the homework piling up on them and the upcoming O.W.L. exams.

"Yeah. Uh..." Jayson shifted in his seat, thumb absently stroking the back of Sid's hand. "I was wondering if you wanted to... hang out then?"

"Oh. I was gonna review my notes —"

"You can do that on Sunday," Jayson broke in, then looked away as though realizing how abrupt he had sounded. "You deserve to take a break. I mean, surely even a prefect as good as you needs to relax every once in a while, right?"

"Yeah. But I was gonna help Talia Bridges."

Something flashed in Jayson's eyes. "Who's that?"

Sid had a feeling he knew exactly who he was referring to. "That girl who almost forgot her Charms assignment last week."

"Uh-huh." Jayson's expression has become closed off. "Yeah. You do that." He pulled his hand away and gathered his things before hurrying off.

Sid stayed put, somehow feeling as though he had messed up. And the look on Desiree's face as she came out of hiding didn't help.

"You're an idiot," she muttered.

"I know. But why? What did I say?" His voice rose in volume, but he remembered to keep it low enough as to not draw attention from Madam Pince.

Desiree's gaze softened as she took in Sid's distress. "Do you know what this Saturday is?"

"A... Hogsmeade... trip?"

"I meant the date," Desiree clarified patiently.

"February..." He mentally counted the days. And then it hit him. "Valentine's Day." He removed his glasses, pressed his hands to his face, and swore under his breath.

"So are you gonna talk to Jay?"

Sid dropped his hands. "What do I say?"

"Well, do you like him back? Like that, I mean?"

Sid hesitated. "I don't know." He had never had a crush before; that was one thing he and Desiree had in common that Jayson didn't.

She smiled. "Think about it. But don't take too long. It'll be Saturday before you know it."

Sid sighed. "Can we just go back to the common room?"

"Of course. Let me return this first."

They headed to the Ravenclaw Tower in silence. The eagle knocker opened its beak.

"Who has four eyes but can never see?"

Sid laughed without humor. "Me because I can't fucking tell when someone's interested in me."

"There's no need to swear," said the eagle reproachfully but allowed him entry all the same.

"Sid!"

Sid's heart sank as Talia Bridges came bouncing up. "Hey."

"So are you still down for Saturday?"

With his newfound knowledge of Jayson's feelings, Sid became aware of Talia's. "Er... listen, Talia..."

He didn't need to say anything else; her face fell. "Oh."

Sid winced. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to —"

"No, I'm sorry. I should've known. You and Sage are so close..."

"You knew he —?" Sid turned his face upward. "Did everyone know before I did?"

Desiree shrugged, but she didn't look apologetic at all. "Yeah. Even Professor Longbottom."

Strangely, that was the least surprising part of tonight. Jayson spent so much time in the greenhouses he almost rivaled their Herbology professor.

Talia took a tentative step forward, reminding Sid she was still there. "I can ask someone else. I'm perfectly fine with that."

"No, no. We'll just move it to Sunday. I need to talk to Jay first thing tomorrow."

So first thing the next morning, Sid all but flew down the steps and burst into the Great Hall, making several people jump.

"Mr. Amsel!" said Professor McGonagall, frowning. Just Sid's luck that the headmistress had only just entered the Great Hall herself.

"Sorry!" he muttered, squeezing past and racing to Jayson's side. "Jay!"

Jayson nearly fell out of his seat. "Hey?"

"You still free this Saturday?"

"Uh, yeah? But what about Bridges?"

"She understands." Sid held his gaze. "So? How bout it?"

Several emotions flickered across Jayson's dark blue eyes. Then he smiled. "Yeah."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah." Sid cleared his throat. "So it's a date. No, wait. Not a date. Friend date? Hangout? Thing?"

But Jayson just snorted. "We can figure out the labels later." He clapped a hand on Sid's shoulder.

"Right," said Sid, turning to grab a plate and food even though he was very much at the wrong table.

Did he have feelings for Jayson? Perhaps not. But he couldn't think of anyone he'd rather spend Valentine's Day with.

Saturday night, after a long day in Hogsmeade, Sid approached the eagle knocker.

"What is the truth?" it asked.

"I don't have romantic feelings for Jayson Sage!" Sid announced, beaming.

"Congratulations?" said the knocker questioningly as the door opened.

It's so fun writing an AU of my own characters. And kinda weird because I'm used to AUs of other people's characters.

Are Sid and Jayson dating or not dating? If you asked me, who cares? Labels are for people who want labels!... Like me... sometimes... You can see why Sid is the way he is.