I felt like throwing up. 

What had I been thinking? Agreeing to my dad's invitation? A week of etiquette training wasn't enough. A month or even a year wasn't enough. I would be among people who had been born and brought up in this way. How will I ever compete?

"We are there in five," the driver called from the front seat and I gulped, trying to take deep breaths to calm myself. On the positive side, at least I got to meet my siblings. Maybe that was something? 

I glanced at my wrist watch. The expensive one I had got for my eighteenth birthday and never worn. In many ways, attending the ball was extraordinarily remarkable for me. Not only because it was my first public appearance- so to speak, but also because it was the unofficial step into adulthood. I remember how excited each of my siblings had been when they had gone to the ball. How initially I had been excited as well. Before over the years I had realized that I would perhaps not receive that treatment. Maybe I wouldn't have, if not for the House elders to be so interested in me. The thought was flattering as well as terrifying. 

Way too soon, the car pulled up in front of large iron grilled gates. Two streetlamps basked the area with shimmering light which paled in comparison to the colossal building a few hundred meters inside. I couldn't remember if I had ever been to the House, except perhaps for my first birthday which was ritualistic in Lightwielders. The House was a tall, massive building,  comprising of three separate structures. Two plane buildings on either side and a domed one in the center. Every inch of the buildings was spotless white. A boulevard like structure led to the front stairs of the building which could possibly qualify as a palace. And suddenly, I felt extremely under dressed and unprepared. 

I took a deep breath and  stepped out of the car. According to dad's instructions, I would find him at the entry. So all I really had to do is walk straight through the boulevard and towards him. I found the gates open, much to surprise it was unmanned. The Elders didn't seem to worried about security. I walked along the spick and span ground, taking in the undoubtedly mystical surroundings. I could see in a distance to my far right, a large fountain with an angel, spreading her wings. On my left was a large gazebo- white, like every other structure. Lined by pink flowers. The tendrils of the plant embracing the gazebo almost lovingly. If I hadn't felt nauseous, I would have been able to appreciate the beauty of the place a lot more. 

Much to my surprise, the door of the building opened before I could reach it. I could see four adults, my dad, the woman whom I had met earlier and an unfamiliar man. They gazed at me intently I almost stopped in my tracks, my heart racing. 

"Ah, finally, the fabled Asteroth Lightwielder," the unfamiliar man said, his eyes fixed on me in an almost interrogative way. He didn't blink, nor look away, simply staring at me like I was some spectacle. 

"May the light be with you," I said, giving a short bow and almost proud of myself for remembering that greeting from my classes. My dad half smiled in what I assumed was approval before he introduced me. 

"We have previously met of course," the woman said. "I must say, it is wonderful to see you here today. Not to mention that you do look extremely ravishing!"

The woman glanced at my dad, a strange expression on her face that I couldn't quite place. She almost looked smug, a hint of a knowing smirk on her face. 

I knew that I should have returned the compliment, but somehow between her smug look and the nervous churning in my stomach, I couldn't get myself to say anything. "Please, let's head inside," my dad said and I quickly followed him into the building- which in my mind I could only imagine to be a palace. The floor was carpeted in thick red, shiny wooden wainscotting on the walls. Multiple hallways and doors that were almost overwhelming. The entire place was lit up with golden lights. A massive chandelier hung overhead as waiters rushed about the place with trays and carts of delicious smelling food. 

"You did well," my dad said simply as he led me towards a massive hall that was filled with strangers in the most exquisite cloths. A live band played on the makeshift stage at the front of the room. Soft, soothing music. Sounds of laughter, some whispering, some small talk. The knot in my stomach tightened further. 

"I have to go talk to a few more people," my dad said. I glanced at him. Why was he still wearing his official robes? No fancy tuxes like every other guest? "Stay here. Help yourself to any of the food. Keep your head down," he added in an undertone before he left. I stood still for a few seconds, my brain completely shutting down at the overwhelming amount of people and noises in the hall. Before I could even get my bearings, a woman approached me. 

"Asteroth Lightwielder?" her voice floated through my haze as I forced myself to focus on her. I had never seen her in my life. And although her voice was kind enough, I couldn't help but feel like somehow I was being judged. "It's wonderful to finally meet you! May the light be with you."

I didn't respond to her, feeling like my collar was way too tight. Was I imagining it or had the hall actually got smaller? I reached for my tie, trying to loosen it. "Er...same here," I said vaguely, in a voice I couldn't quite recognize. 

"Aster...are you okay?" the woman said, placing a hand on my shoulder that I wrenched  off me, scalded. I turned away from her, my nausea overtaking me overwhelmingly. And without really thinking, I sprinted. 

Blurry shapes of people passed by me, followed by startled cries before I finally reached a door with the bathroom sign and barged in gratefully. The restroom was thankfully empty and I quickly crouched onto the floor, hurling into the commode. I hadn't really eaten anything, which meant that all I experienced was painful muscle spasms. I thought it would make me feel better, however as I stepped back and pressed the flush, a new sense of dread enclosed me. While earlier I had been jittery, nauseous and sweaty, now I felt cold. I leaned against the cubicle wall, taking lungful of deep breaths. I had to hold on to the tiled wall, struggling to keep upright as shivers ran down my entire body, making me shudder again and again. 

I wasn't sure how long I was in the cubicle, but the thought of stepping outside again was crippling. All those people. The music. The voices. And none of them had ever seen me. Of course they would want to interact. Of course they would want to talk to me. 

"Aster...are you here?"

A vaguely familiar voice called from the outside and it took me a few seconds to recognize Arthur's voice. How did he know I was here? 

I bit my lip to stop myself from making any noise. Maybe he would just leave me alone. Maybe he would just go. 

"Aster?"

I remained silent, not daring to breathe. If I stepped out, I would have to go to the hall again. Meet all those people. So, so many people. In that cramped room. And they would all be staring at me. Judging my every move. 

"Aster!" he called again, knocking on the door. "Aster, come out this instant."

"I...I feel sick," I said, surprised to find that I didn't even have to pretend to make my voice croaky. "I...I just threw up."

"Come outside. Staying in is not going to achieve anything," he said, clicking his tongue impatiently. I sighed, bracing myself as I finally stepped out. The bright lights almost made me want to go back inside.

For a split second, I was taken aback by Arthur's presence. His dark hair, blue yes. He was a spitting image of my father, so much so that I had thought for a moment that it was him, if not for the lack of constant grimace that he reserved for me. 

His eyebrows were furrowed as he studied me before sighing. "Wash your face."

I walked shamefully over to the sink, surprised by how good the cold water felt on my skin. I didn't dare to look at myself in the mirror, knowing how much of a mess I probably looked. 

"There's vomit on your tux," Arthur said calmly as my ears turned warm. Before I could do anything however, he moved into the stall, emerging with a piece of toilet paper that he used to clean the tux up. He stepped back after discarding the folded paper in the trash to look at me. "Almost as good as new."

"I can't go back," I said, hoping against hope that he wouldn't make me go there. 

"I know this is not what you want to hear right now but...the only reason I was sent to look for you is because literally everyone is asking about you."

My heart plummeted. 

"I'll leave. You can tell them I fell sick or...something. I just can't-"

"You can come out whenever you're ready," he said. He left without another word as a rock slid down my stomach. I would have to face the music, there was simply no way around it. I waited for a few more minutes, pacing around the restroom, washing my face again and again, rinsing my mouth with a disgusting tasting soap till I was sure I looked human enough. 

I made my way to the hall, standing just outside as I listened to the music pouring from inside. It was a soothing, almost ethereal music. Sounds I would have usually enjoyed. Should I go in? Or not? Maybe Arthur was right. Maybe I should just get it over with. Before I could make a decision however, as if on cue, Arthur's voice reached my ears. I stepped back, realizing that he was talking to someone. Father. 

I flattened my back against the wall as the two of them emerged, deep in conversation. Arguing- rather. And curiosity led me to follow them. I kept a safe distance away, the carpet helping to muffle my footsteps. They climbed up a staircase and I waited till they disappeared before following them. A large door on the first floor remained ajar and I peeked through it to see that it opened onto the rooftop. Two silhouettes stood at the very end of it, still engaged deep in conversation. Their voices were low, and I wouldn't have been able to hear anything if they hadn't been arguing. Their argument steadily heating up. 

"- some family in which he actually fit in. Instead of this-" Arthur said. "He's been in the restroom throwing up for like  fifteen minutes now. How do you think all of this is ever going to work? And the carnival? I've met the Kai kid. Why put him through this misery?" 

"What choice do I have?" my dad said loudly and I shuddered to hear him lose control this way. I couldn't make out their faces, but their voices alone told me how angry they were. "It was already too late by then. And...I couldn't let a child go through that ridicule. To relive everything."

"What are you doing to him now? Do you think it's any better? Maybe if he knew the truth, he would understand a little better-" Arthur said. Were they talking about me? The child? 

Blood pounded in my ears as I strained to listen to their words. 

"I was merely doing what Elaine would have wanted," my dad said slowly. "And...it was just too late."

"Do you think mom would have wanted this?" Arthur said. "What are you going to do with him?"

"He has...his uses," my dad said as my blood ran cold. "In time."

"That's what you're doing then? Using him? I thought you were doing this because mom would have wa-"

"Arthur, you do not understand. Some things are much much bigger than you'll ever know," my dad retaliated. "I let her keep him as an act of kindness. I do not understand the bond she had with the child. But in her last days, he seemed to make her happy. What could I have done?"

"Give him away when she died," Arthur said, his voice laced with venom. "Maybe to some of his distant family. Or to some boarding facility or something. Why would you keep him and put him through all this? Some pitiful visage of mother's memory? This is unfair. To both of you."

Give him...back? Back to where? Some of whose distant family? 

"And at the Carnival, everyone will see that it's not him. How do you expect to get away with this?" Arthur said. "Just tell him the truth dad. Please. For both of your sakes."

"I can't tell him. Not now," my dad said. "How does it even matter? Your mother did love him as her own child. She...she was always a selfless woman. And...he couldn't go back to his mother. She didn't ever have the means of caring for him. Do you see I did him a kindness by keeping him?"

"To use him to clear your name, only it fucking backfired," Arthur said. "Charitable act from troubled Lord of the House. To adopt a poor woman's son. What happened to his mother, dad? What will they say when they know what happened to his real mother?"

"I am no murderer," my dad hissed angrily. "I did nothing wrong. The kinder path doesn't always seem so on the surface."

I could no longer follow their conversation, my body seemingly drowning. A catatonic silence as I drifted away into nothingness, gazing at my life as an outsider. Something I had always been. 

As her own child? Did that mean... that I wasn't really her child? Or even dad's? My real mother, who was it? Did it even matter?

A loud ringing in my ears cut off the rest of the conversation. I leaned back, struggling to breathe as I doubled over in an unexplainable agony. The floor under my sliding away. The roof above shattered and fell. Crushing me ruthlessly in its debris.