I hated that the marks were fading.

 As I stood in front of the mirror on Wednesday night, I squinted my eyes to try and see the red marks Zeph's love has left on my skin. And maybe it was the lighting, or maybe just my hollowness- they seemed lighter. 

Maybe it would be easier tomorrow at the carnival. To have the voices screaming in my head die down between among the bellowing music and raucous laughter. But I knew the emptiness that would clasp me in its icy grip the moment I lay in the dark at night. Maybe Zeph had contacted the hawks again, and I simply didn't know. I didn't seem to know anything anyway. All I did know was that his absence was gnawing away at my heart. Nibbling the bits and pieces till scarlet streamed from the flesh. 

On Thursday morning, apart from the agonizing emptiness, a new feeling took hold of me. Dread. Zeph has been awfully interested in the carnival. What sort of 'message' was he thinking of sending? 

The carnival was to start at noon. I didn't see my dad leave the house, per usual of course. What did surprise me however, was when at around nine in the morning, someone knocked on my door. 

Who could it be? 

I wasn't expected at the carnival. Mel was accompanying the other servants to the city square. For one wild second, my heart leapt to my throat that maybe it was Zeph. But knocking on the front door was way too cliché for him. 

"Who is it?" I asked, straining for an answer.

"Its me," Kai called. "May I come in?"

I tried ignore the weight that slid down my stomach at the realization that it wasn't who I was hoping it would be. I walked over to the door and was taken aback momentarily. Kai was dressed in pure, almost blinding white robes. Similar to the ones that the Elders wore- except with some golden intricacies on his sleeves. And although he still looked as pale as before, he looked...cleaner somehow? Maybe he had shaved, either way, I felt like I had never really looked at him like I was now. 

"You look nice," I said, forcing a smile. His cheeks turned pink and he spluttered out, "You too."

I scoffed, glancing at my worn out t-shirt and raking a hand through my bed head. "Kiss ass."

I nodded at him to come in, curious about the carnival. "How come you're here? Doesn't it start in like a few hours?"

"Well...yes," he nodded and it was then that I realized draped on his forearm, was a familiar t-shirt. "I just wanted to return this to you."

 "Oh," I glanced down at it. He had clearly washed and ironed it. "Thanks...but...you can keep it." 

"You...sure?" his eyes widened. "I mean...thanks."

I nodded at him . Why had I agreed to just let him keep the t-shirt? I didn't really care about it, and I remember how pleased he had been when he had worn it. He looked as happy as I did in Zeph's presence. 

Zeph. Thinking about him made a pang of bewildering pain tear through my chest. Where had he disappeared to? Why hadn't he told me? If I was truly that special to him, how come he didn't trust me enough. He was still clearly confused about his feelings. Could I really blame him anyway? He had loved Zia for so long. He still did love her. Maybe I was the one asking for too much. Maybe I was just infatuated with him. Maybe I was setting too much store by him. It was unhealthy. 

What if the only reason I was so obsessed with him is because he is all I've ever really known?

Maybe it was curiosity, or maybe my emptiness, or perhaps a sadistic anger towards Zeph. All I knew was I needed to feel something else. Anything apart from the consuming obsession. Even something as desperate as kissing someone else. Maybe the shame would be enough to drive away the hollowness. 

"Kai?" I called, my own voice a stranger's. He turned to look at me, his hand on the doorknob and raised an eyebrow. I walked over to him, each of my steps heavier than the last. His eyes were all wrong. Not the slate gray I was so accustomed to. His hair, light. His lips a strange unfamiliar colour. 

What the fuck am I doing?

"Good luck today," I said finally as a he gave me half a smile and nodded. I stared as he shut the door behind him, a strange ringing in my ears. 

*

I was almost sure that this was not a very smart idea. 

If I was spotted at the Carnival, the entire ruse would be up. And then, my dad would probably have no other choice than to kill me. 

Arden. Not dad. 

I flinched at the thought. When would I ever be okay with the fact? When will I be fine, knowing I was not his blood? When will the deep chasm in my chest that seemed to be sore from continual bleeding cease? 

I shoved my hands in my pocket, forcing myself to listen to the upbeat music, instead of the voices in my head. The city square had been decorated for the Carnival, light trellis between poles, multicoloured flags waving in the air. A live band in a corner preparing their instruments while a sea of people stood on the roadside. Some peeping from the windows of the nearby buildings. If I wasn't feeling the way that I was, I could imagine myself enjoying the atmosphere. 

Thankfully, the alley that I was in was mostly ignored. No one would be able to notice me there unless they were specifically looking for someone. Hopefully, my black hoodie would also help me camouflage better. Last thing I needed was to blow the plan. 

"You shouldn't be here, Goldie."

My heart jumped to my throat and I spun around at the sound. Sure enough, Zeph stood a little distance away, his face covered by shadow. 

"Z-Zeph!"

Without really thinking about it, I flung my arms around him, surprised by the sudden welling of emotions. "You're...you're okay."

He didn't react for a few seconds before he pushed me away, his expression stoic. 

"You disappeared," I began, my face warm. "Everyone at the Nest...they were looking for you."

"Why the fuck are you here?" he asked, clicking his tongue. "You're not supposed to be here."

I shrugged. "No one's seeing me. It's fine. Once the event starts everyone will be focused on the performers."

"That's not true," he said. "But...you stay here then. Just...hide."

"Why?" I asked as his eyes darted to the people behind me. "Wh-?"

"Just listen to me for once," he said, his eyes flashing. 

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" I scoffed. "Bit entitled for someone who just disappears randomly for days."

"I was....occupied," he said, averting my gaze. "But like I said-" 

"Are you back now...?" I asked. "You're going back to the nest?"

"No," he set his jaw firmly. "Not going back there. Ever. And..." he shuffled his feet, "-don't expect to see a lot of me either."

"Why?" I asked, taking a step closer to him. "What are you...?"

"It's for your own good," he said, taking a step further back till he almost disappeared into the darkness. 

"You're just...leaving then?" I asked, the ringing in my ears now louder than before. 

He didn't answer, his gaze fixed on me. 

"Zeph...what about us then?" I asked finally, gulping. "I..I don't want to be cheesy but...you're just going to-?"

"There's no us, Goldie," he said. "Never was."

"So you just randomly go around sucking people's dicks?" I scoffed, anger rising in the pit of my stomach. "Actually, you probably do."

I was aware what I said was hurtful. But a part of me did want to hurt him. 

"Slut shaming now are we?" he said, adding fuel to my fury by how amused he sounded. He did however walk a little closer to me, so I could see his cocky grin. 

"I'm just fucking mad at you," I admitted. 

"Good," he said simply. "Fuck off then."

"You didn't give me a choice did you?" I said, crossing my arms in front of my chest. "You fucked off. You didn't even tell me. Just fucking disappeared. I could be dead and you wouldn't even know. And what about the others? The Hawks? Zia? The love of your fucking life?"

"You...talked to her?" he asked, his shoulders slumping. 

"Yes," I said. "They were expecting you to turn up. But you didn't. Everything is in a disarray. She's...really worried. They all are." 

He sighed, leaning against the wall, his gaze fixed on the ground. I tried to ignore the fact that he hadn't refuted when I had called Zia the love of his life.  

"I'll see them. Later...right now, I've got work to do."

"What exactly are you planning, Zeph?" I asked, gazing intently at him. He didn't look at me. Was he ashamed of something? 

"You'll find out," he said, evading my question again. 

"Nothing dangerous" I sighed when he didn't respond. "Of course...of course it's dangerous."

The corner of his mouth twitched sightly as if in a smile. He shook his head however, refusing to answer. "It's just...it'll be okay." 

"Zeph," I pleaded. "Please don't do anything rash. Maybe..." I knew I would regret what I was about to say. But I had to try. "Maybe if you weren't so damn stubborn, you could see that striking a compromise with the lightwielders is not the worst thing that can happen."

He leaned against the wall, shuffling his feet. Was he thinking about it? Even vaguely?

"Think about it, Zeph," I began. "If you do agree to their terms, then maybe you can actually live like a real citizen. Not the squalor you're used to and maybe...maybe you could...focus on...other things."

I could feel my cheeks burning. I didn't expect him to get the hint, but the idea of being with Zeph felt much more tangible when I imagined him agreeing to the House's compromise. 

"This...is bigger than everything else, Aster," he spoke softly. "It's bigger than personal stories. It's bigger than...whatever it is that you're talking about." 

"Why do you have to be a hero?" I pleaded, walking over to him and grabbing his shoulders in an attempt to make him look at me. "You're not obliged to do all this, Zeph. Even your own friends at the Nest want to give in. Everyone wants peace."

"There is no peace," he said, gritting his teeth. "Just false promises. I don't expect anyone to support me. I just need...just stop trying to stop me."

"How can I do that?" I said, ashamed at my own trembling voice. "You're...you're going to hurt yourself. Or get arrested or something. And I...I can't watch you go through that."

He shrugged. "You can cry for me if I die. But don't overdo it," he smirked, shoving his hands into his pocket. I stared at him, a cold dread spreading through my chest. At his words, and even more so at his nonchalance. Was this another joke of his I didn't get?

"I'm going to do what I want, Aster," he said. "You know that. You've always known that."

"Yes. But-"

"You tell me not to be a hero," he said, leaning closer to me. "Then maybe you should stop trying to be mine either." I blinked, unsure what he meant before he continued. "You think you're going to change me? Make me into some law abiding 9 to 5 job family guy? I can't be that. I've seen too much shit. And I refuse to be a part of that façade." 

"I'm not trying to change you," I replied honestly. "I...I never have. I just want you to be safe. And maybe...maybe have a future."

"Future, with you?" he raised an eyebrow as my stomach turned nervously.

 "No," I said, "It's not what you want, is it?"

"I told you what I want," he said. "I want justice. For my people. For everything we have been through. And I don't fucking care about this diplomatic bullshit. I saw the streets run red when my family was massacred. The only way this war ends, Aster, is for the streets of this god forsaken city to also run red."

"You're seeking revenge," I said. "That's not going to help anyone. More violence. More people hurt. You can keep this vicious cycle alive or compromise and maybe let this city breathe again."

"If the price of this city breathing is for me to surrender," he whispered, "then let it fucking suffocate."

He leaned away, his eyes voids of nothingness as a chill ran down my spine. It was so easy to forget who Zeph really was. What he was actually capable of. 

"Stay away, Aster," he said. "It's going to get ugly."

Before I could say anything, he lowered the cap of his hoodie and disappeared back into the shadows. His words hanging ominously in the narrow dark alley.