"He-llo!"―Alastor, to Charlie, when she shuts and reopens the door to him

"Excuse my sudden visit, but I saw your fiasco on a picture show and I just couldn't resist. What a performance! Why, I haven't been that entertained since the stock market crash of 1929, hahaha! ...So many orphans."―Alastor, regarding Charlie's performance

"Dear, if I wanted to hurt anyone here... (voice becomes distorted) I would have done so already."―Alastor, to Vaggie

"Why does anyone do anything? Sheer, absolute boredom!"―Alastor, to Charlie and Vaggie

"It's the purest kind, my dear. Reality! True passion! After all, the world is a stage, and a stage is a world of entertainment."―Alastor, about Charlie's fight with Killjoy

"Of course not! That's wacky nonsense! Redemption, oh the non-existent humanity! No, no, no, no. I don't think there's anything left that could save such loathsome sinners! The chance given was the life they lived before, the punishment is this! There is no undoing what is done!"―Alastor to Charlie, about redeeming the sinners

"Consider it an investment in ongoing entertainment for myself! I want to watch the scum of the world struggle to climb up the hill of betterment! Only to repeatedly trip, and tumble down to the fiery pit of failure."―Alastor, explaining why he wants to help

"So it's a deal then?"―Alastor, attempting to make a deal with Charlie

"Smile, my dear! You know, you're never fully dressed without one!"―Alastor, after seeing Vaggie frown. ⭐️

"And what can you do, my effeminate fellow? [...] Hah! No!"―Alastor, denying Angel's offer of a blowjob

"Hm... No I don't think so!"―Alastor, to Husk asking if he was kidding

"...Maybe!"―Alastor, to Husk asking if he was

 "Some kind of fucking clown."

"Do I know you?"―Alastor, to Sir Pentious

"Well, I'm starved! Who wants some jambalaya?"―Alastor, after obliterating Sir Pentious' war machine. ⭐️

"Now... stay tuned."―Alastor's last line in the Pilot