The evil smiley has returned. Prepare for angst :)

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Sleeping through your setlist of six different alarms on the morning of a maths test is probably the ultimate nightmare for your average high school student. Well lucky me. It wasn't entirely my fault though, the three-hundred-part TikTok movie was equally to blame. I couldn't even remember what had happened, but I probably just fell asleep at some point. And the only things that'd stopped me from sleeping in till noon were the blinding wings of sunshine spilling through my see-through curtains. I would've thought I got transferred to Heaven overnight with all that brightness if it weren't for the gay flags hanging on my door. 

After finally dragging myself out of the sweet comfort of my bed— and brutally abusing half of the squishmallows—, I shuffled towards my closet to hopefully find my will to live there. Where the fuck are your socks when you need them? Digging through literally the entire damn ikea construction, from the stack of hoodies I'd never need with this weather to the shoved-aside crop tops I didn't dare to wear, not a single sock showed itself. It was a pastel-colored mess in there, but no socks to be found. 

To make things even better, I caught sight of my alarm clock, whose neon green pixels showed me I had ten fucking minutes to get to class. I was still in my pajamas. And I had no socks.

Just as I was about to give up, ready to just put on my sneakers and brace myself for blisters, I noticed my favorite t-shirt hanging over a stool on the other side of my room. Thank you, Universe! With a newfound burst of hope and happiness, I decided to skip instead of, you know, walking. My joy was short lasted, however, when I fucking tripped over a bump in my rug and got launched forward, crashing face-first into my easel. We both fell to the ground with a loud clash, paint brushes clattering out of their thankfully plastic cup, as well as a cup of paint water which had now spilled all over the canvas and.. my white rug. Fuck you, Universe.

Pain coursed through my body when I crawled up with a groan, taking a few steps back to inspect the mess. "Fucking hell," I hissed to no one in particular, grabbing the socks from underneath the white fluff. A big, muddy green stain had taken over a good chunk of the rug, edges still expanding. I could see trails of paint leaking from the canvas that had been drying on the easel, now bleeding out onto the already stained rug. Great. My knees hurt from the fall, throbbing with every step I took back.

From the corner of my eyes, I could see the small alarm clock on my nightstand, neon green numbers glaring at me as a constant reminder of how late I was gonna be if I didn't hurry the fuck up. Judge me all you want, but I had no time to clean the mess up. With a sigh and stinging moisture building up in my eyes, I snatched my bag from the side of my bed and dashed out of there before I could cause any more disaster. 

I had expected the apartment to be empty, but when I came running into the kitchen to grab an apple a lá Disney-kid, Aleksia was still there. She smiled at me from her position against the counter, protein bar in one hand and her phone in the other. "Morning. You off to school?"

I nodded, opening the fridge next to her. Of course, the drawer with fruit was completely empty. It took me all effort not to curse the fridge out. "There's no apples."

Aleksia hummed, biting down the last of her bar. "Take something else. I bought new sandwich bread yesterday. Oh, also—

"I have no time! I'm already running late. I'll just eat lunch then." Bending down to tie the laces of my shoes, I winced at the pain that shot through my knees, the consequence of body-slamming onto the floor. 

I heard a soft sigh, then the zipping of Aleksia's shoulder bag. "Just don't forget, then. Oh, Mom called yesterday. She'd like—

I shot up, muscles frozen as all the machines in my brain halted to a stop. "I have to go to school."

"Please don't do this," Aleksia pleaded with a tired sigh, brows pulled together in a frown. She pursed her lips into a sad, sympathetic smile. "She's not as horrible as you make her out to be. If you just gave her—

 Leaning back against the gray fridge —I think it used to be white, actually—, I scoffed. "Can you stop?! I'm late for school, I don't have the fucking time for this."

"This isn't about school!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms up before folding them against her chest again with a sigh. Her navy blouse blended in with the dark background almost perfectly. "How much longer are you gonna need before you forgive her-?"

Oh my god. "Are you seriously asking me that?! She left us, why the fuck should I forgive her for that?!"

A look of hurt struck Aleksia's face as tears filled her eyes. "You forgave me.."

I swallowed away the brick in my throat, blinking back tears of my own. "You were a child. A child taking care of me and dad, because our mom couldn't give less of a shit."

"That's not true. She did care," Aleksia pointed a shaky finger at me, body trembling with rage, and scoffed through her tears, "and maybe you're just too selfish to see that."

Her words punched me right in my heart, shattering the plug to the pools of tears behind my eyes. I bit my lip, mouth filling with the taste of salt. Glancing at her, I could see anger fading into regret, but she remained quiet. I sniffed. "You're a real fucking bitch."

I grabbed my bag from the floor and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door with such force that you could hear the echoes through the entire stairwell. I hate this day already.

-

I did not want to eat lunch in the cafeteria. But I also didn't want to faint in the middle of class, so my options were limited. After getting lectured in front of the entire fucking class for being seven minutes late, my social endurance was about finished. 

The buzzing ant nest of students swarmed around me, shoulders brushing past and shoving into mine with brute force and sickening, polite smiles. It's too loud in here. With my feet barely past the threshold separating the main hall from the cafeteria, I could already feel that snake writhing around my chest, tightening its grip with every passing second. 

Someone clapped my shoulder, slender fingers digging into the fabric of my shirt. "Blue! Haven't seen you around today yet, where were you this morning?"

I jerked back, snapping my head around when I realized it was Jackson, empty pink tray in his free hand. Relax, it's fine. Just breathe. He stared at me expectantly, barely even blinking with those icy eyes. "'Was late," I managed to choke out, swallowing hard. No, not again, please. 

Jackson just hummed, nodding in acknowledgment at some other dude who passed us. "I see. Well, come sit with us, I already told them you'd join us." He pointed across the cafeteria, to where their usual table stood, populated by his friends. 

I couldn't focus. The lines between bodies and space blurred together into one throbbing mess to the point it made me dizzy. Stop. 

Apparently, Jackson took my silence as an answer and began to walk away so I did the only sensible thing my dysfunctioning body could think of. I grabbed his sleeve and not-so-gently tugged at it like some fucking child. He immediately turned around with furrowed brows. 

"Hm? Something wrong?"

Tears sprung to my eyes, forbidding me from reacting with anything other than a pathetic, sniffy, nod. Please, make it stop. Selfish, you're selfish. I gasped, struggling to breathe through the tears that were now streaming down my face. Eyes were staring at me from all corners of the goddamn building and I wanted to disappear but my legs were glued stuck to the linoleum floor. 

Something flashed through Jackson's eyes before he seemed to catch up with the situation, hand reaching for my shoulder to guide me away from the cafeteria. He remained fully quiet —while I kept on sniffing— all the way to the library, which was on the other side of the building. 

"So," he finally spoke once we reached the same spot as last time, that weird velvety couch under fluorescent lighting, "what's wrong?"

The snake in my chest had somewhat relaxed by now, allowing oxygen to clear up the fog in my head. I shrugged, not sure how much of the storm in my mind to share with him. "I... I had a f-fight with my sister— this morning. She— she c—" I swallowed, blinking furiously to no success, "—called me s-selfish."

Jackson opened his mouth, inhaling shortly so as to say something.

"A-and I tripped into my easel this morning and now the entire painting is ruined and my knees hurt— and we were out of apples so I didn't have breakfast because I had no time for anything else because the stupid fucking alarm didn't wake me up s-so I couldn't see my friends this morning and I haven't seen Seth yet a-and—" Shut the actual fuck up "— the teacher was really mad at me for being late s-so now everyone thinks I'm a fucking freak and S-Seth said I could— I could call him anytime but I didn't and I probably should h-have because I—"

—because I miss him.

"Robbie. Breathe." Jackson's voice felt harsh, painfully snapping me out of whatever the fuck that was. He placed his hands on both my shoulders, something that made me want to jerk my body back, but my brain wouldn't let me. Upon seeing my panicked eyes, he awkwardly retracted his hands and laced them together on his lap.

Staring at my legs, I swallowed again, blinking away the tears that still leaked from my eyes. "S-sorry. I'm sorry."

"We're all a little selfish sometimes, aren't we? It's part of being human, so don't worry about it. She was most likely just pointing out her own insecurities."

I snapped my head up, inadequate sadness quickly fading to anger. "Aleksia isn't selfish."

Jackson waved me off with a small shake of his head. "Of course she is, we all are. And as for Seth, don't worry much about him, yeah?" He grabbed a coaster from the table to fidget with, eyes darkening as they gazed off into the distance. "If someone knows of selfishness, it's him. Don't just blindly trust all he says, Blue. He wouldn't think twice about dropping you and all of your little theater friends as if you meant nothing." 

I tried so hard to ignore the way Seth's name sounded like poison coming from Jackson's mouth or the way his demeanor tensed when he spoke that last part, but it was easier said than done. "What do you know?" I couldn't help but scoff. As far as I was aware Jackson had never even talked to Seth before, and these were all just sickening rumors that made me want to scream.

Jaw tensing, Jackson glanced at me. "More than you'd think, I'm afraid."

What the fuck is that supposed to mean-? A big lump began to form in my throat, making it so hard to swallow that I could feel the snake coming back. No. Please, not again.

"Well, anyhow," he suddenly began, all darkness gone from his face to be replaced with a strange chirpyness. "I'm hosting a party at my place tonight, it's gonna be a blast. Feel free to come by, I'll keep an eye open for you." And with that, he patted my shoulder like a dog and stood up, giving me one more nod before marching out of there. 

All alone in this sterile, unsettling white space of a library, no barrier was left to block my tears. They spilled down my face, slowly at first but growing rapid with every second. This was too fucking much. Everything— everyone was too much. I grabbed one of the pillows and hugged it to my chest, shaking and quietly gasping for air. 

Text me, call me, or anything. 

I reached for my phone with a trembling hand—

He wouldn't think twice about dropping you.

—and pulled back again.

-

After the bell had rung so painfully loud, I'd dragged myself back to class despite looking like a bloated tomato with curls, something I would likely regret later. Everything Mr. Friar said rolled right around my fuzzy head but nothing stuck, safe for the homework reminder in the last thirty seconds when everyone had already started to pack up their bags, myself included. 

Waves of perfume zoomed around me as I walked through various corridors with my locker as the final destination. I was ready for this day to end. Laughter and chit-chat from the mass of people moving around me bounced off the walls, the occasional polite smile slowly fading upon noticing my poorly masked face. I just didn't have the energy anymore. 

Just as I thought this hell would be over, I noticed him. Standing by his own locker, laughing at something someone said before waving them goodbye with a tiny wave. Seth. After a few more seconds, he turned around and noticed me, casual smile twisting into a big grin with equally happy eyes. "Blue eyes!"

I attempted a smile of my own and waved, the simple action feeling like serious exercise. Don't. Cry. "H-hey." Fuck.

Brows furrowing, Seth walked over and glanced around before placing a gentle hand on my arm. "Hey, what's wrong?"

Don't fucking cry again. The taste of iron filled my mouth as I bit down on my tongue to keep my mouth shut, tears already welling up in my eyes. I blinked them away, instead focusing on the sunlight spilling through one of the stained-glass windows. "I—

Don't just blindly trust all he says.

"—N-nothing. Just a bad day."

Seth pursed his lips, his hand still on my arm. "I'm not sure I believe that. But I'll pretend to, for now," he said so softly it made my heart race, a gentle smile stuck on his face.

I still couldn't bring myself to look at him. "Th-thanks." My eyes showed me corners of the corridor I had never seen before, specific cracks in the tiles that really didn't matter but I saw them anyway. 

If someone knows of selfishness, it's him.

"Seth-?"

Humming softly, Seth used his free hand to lift my face so he could see it, thumb brushing over my jaw before he let go. "Yeah?"

Ignoring the storm of butterflies in my stomach and the heat spreading to where his touch'd been, I quickly looked away again. "Do you— uhm, do you care..?" 

I glanced at him to see his eyes widen with worry before they softened into a small smile. "Of course I care, blue eyes. What would make you doubt that?" His hand stirred me away from a sudden group of students passing, their loud and chaotic voices drilling into my head. 

I swallowed, leaning into the cold metal of a pastel pink locker. "Jackson j-just said—

"Jackson told you I don't care-?" He scoffed, retracting his hand from my arm immediately. "Of course he did. And you believed him?"

Shit. "That's not—" I inhaled, heart throbbing in my ears as I watched all the sincerity drain from Seth's face. I can't do this. "I just— uhm— I didn't really have a reason not to trust him.. right?"

Seth's face tensed, eyes growing spiteful. "Seriously-?" Scoffing again, he picked up his board from the floor to set foot on it and finally mumbled, "And I thought you'd be different," before dashing off towards the big main entrance. 

Shit shit shit shit. You really had to fuck everything up, didn't you? Maybe you are just a selfish prick. I let the remains of today's tears fall freely from my eyes as I made a run for it, engulfing myself in the sun's wrath ready to burn me alive. 

I didn't stop running until the burning heat made way for the by-now familiar smell of dusty Febreze and patina-green walls with Sharpie drawings scribbled all over them. My lungs burned and my legs ached, soreness coursing through my system so bad I wanted to just collapse. 

The front door opened with a soft click to reveal an empty living room and kitchen. I shoved my bag away from me and walked over to my room, only stopping at Aleksia's door. She was seated on her bed with headphones on, dark brown hair in a long braid that reached to the edge of the book in her hands. I swallowed away the newly formed lump in my throat and turned around toward my room without a word.

I hate today. My face collided with the mountain of pillows on my bed and I had no plans of repositioning myself. Instead, I decided the horrid mess that had yet to be cleaned could wait until later, as would every other damn thing fucking with my head. I would only be asleep for a few minutes anyway, right? 

-

It was dark outside when I woke up, chirping birds replaced by a single hooting dove. My room was cloaked in darkness, shielding my eyes from this morning's crash's consequences I so desperately wanted to forget. I mindlessly pulled out my phone from my pocket and squinted at the blue light that now lit up part of the room, swiping around a bit before I accidentally opened Instagram.

Immediately, photos and videos popped up on my feed, all tagging the same location. Some big mansion with blue and purple lights, filled to the brim with sweaty bodies and smoke. It took me a good while to realize that most of these were uploaded by the same account, with the username @j_grayfordt🖤. Jackson's party.  

I had a few options here. Either I could keep rotting in my bed, seeing as it was already way past a good time to do anything else (it was about twenty past nine), or I could turn on the light and deal with the catastrophe that was still patiently waiting for me, or I could blow off some steam at a lame party with free alcohol. 

The decision was easily made.

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:)

Rich people party next week weeeeeeee! Make sure to click the little star thank you ily<3