I sat on the beach with tears in my eyes, as the whiff of salt in the air mocked my state of mind. The splashing waves reminded me of my pitiable condition. Just like the ripples, I was roaming here and there, lost in life's current — simply flowing wherever it took me.

For I was never in control of my own life anyway.

I was like a rubber duck lost in the sea — being tossed wherever the waves took me. No direction, no aim left anymore. No reason to hold on; not a soul to live for. My life was literally like a ship without a rudder, moving aimlessly. Just like these metaphors, I didn't even know what point I was trying to make anymore. I couldn't understand why I was still alive when all the people who mattered had left me already.

❝No words appear before me in the aftermath
Salt streams out my eyes and into my ears.❞

Lifting the weight of the heavy school bag from my shoulders, I took a deep breath and threw it on the sand. But my shoulders were still tense, as if something way heavier than the bag kept weighing me down. I kept staring into the flickering flame of the candle that danced along with the wind. It had Lyra's name carved on it, after all, they were meant to be used for her last rites though I stole one away.

It felt like the flame would wear out any second now when the breeze got wilder. But it came back stronger each time — burning brighter than ever just when I thought the flame would extinguish for good. I wish Lyra would too.

Please come back, idiot.

It was ironic how this was the exact place where Lyra and I were cracking jokes yesterday, slow dancing in the cold breeze just like the candle's timid blaze was. But who would've thought our flame was about to blow out so soon? The melting wax dripped from the candle, sticking to my skin but I couldn't feel the pain anymore. Maybe my hand was just numb from holding the candle for so long or maybe it felt too minimal compared to the storm brewing in my head.

I opened my mouth and exhaled all the air inside my body — someone needed to teach me how to breathe again because each breath I took in made my chest feel tighter and tighter. As if my ribs would lock around my heart and clench it till it gave up. As if-

One look at the flame and I couldn't help but wonder if the oxygen that helped me breathe was the same reason this candle was slowly reaching its ultimate death. Some would say candles are meant to burn, meant to melt into a puddle of wax once it completes its story. But my story with Lyra was still incomplete. She had no right to die and end it so abruptly.

❝Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness
'Cause it's all over now, all out to sea.❞

Caressing Lyra's name on the candle with my thumb, I blew at the flame and watched as a gush of black smoke came out of the burnt wick. Though Lyra left me early, I wasn't going to let the candle die like her.

This candle wasn't going to burn to death like Lyra must've with her own thoughts daily. This candle was going to live and I was going to make sure it did. Nodding to myself, I kept it inside my bag. Lyra's last memory — of course I wouldn't let it die.

I couldn't save her but at least I could save her candle.

Looking at the blood stained uniform in my bag, I found myself laughing helplessly. I was someone who couldn't be trusted. I was the cause of all menace. I was the problem. Why else would she not trust me enough to share her secrets, her problems with me? Hell, she didn't even think of me once before jumping to death. She never cared enough to wonder how I was going to live by myself after this.

The ghost of her face would never let me sleep. The echoes of her laughter would always haunt me. The webs of what ifs would slowly drive me insane.

As if giving up on me wasn't enough crime, she couldn't wait for long before getting buried too. The doctors said that since she fell face-first on the ground, her body was decaying and stinkingly rotting sooner than expected, so her burial and funeral rites had to be done as soon as possible — almost immediately.

Despite the stench and the terrible sight, I could still sit there with her and talk to her all day. Even if she no longer looked beautiful, even if I could no longer see her smile, even if she no longer responded to my teasing. I just wanted to be with her. All I wanted was for us to stay together. And that would be enough for me. Was that too much to ask for?

I wonder why her parents listened to that doctor and buried her so fast. Didn't they want to spend their last few moments with her? Did they not want to fight time and death to keep their daughter closer just a little while longer? Why did they have to close her casket and bury her six feet under so soon?

Maybe they didn't care, just like my dad.

I needed a distraction. Lyra's face was so deeply etched in my mind that I was hallucinating now. She was everywhere — touching me lightly like the sea breeze, about to drown into the sea like the setting sun, returning back to the shore like the waves did. But why couldn't she return to me?

❝Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky
You were more than just a short time.❞

I began digging my school bag aimlessly, trying to find something to help me forget how today's day played out. When I planned today a week ago to surprise Lyra, who knew she had a bigger surprise in store for me? Picking up my books that I wouldn't have touched had it been any other, normal day, I began reading out loud.

'Output is supplied by an individual firm on the basis of market demand and their cost and revenue functions.'

Economics was Lyra's favourite subject. I could still picture the way she had placed this bookmark on the page when we were studying and making notes together. How was I supposed to know it was going to be the last time we ever studied together?

❝And I've got a lot to pine about
I've got a lot to live without.❞

This was so unfair. So bloody unfair. She was right here with me a few hours ago. And now, here I am, all alone, replaying the moments with her in the back of my mind instead of seeing them happen with my open eyes. Why? Why, Lyra? Just why?

I closed the book shut. Fighting against the wind, the soft cover of the book flew open, revealing a quote Lyra had written on it to cheer me up after I got a D in my Economics exam. "Whatever happens in life, happens for the good. Whether we understand it or not." Bullshit. There was nothing good about today. Nothing good about Lyra dying.

A shiver ran down my spine. Flashes of her bleeding face plastered in my head, I could replay it all over again as if I were watching it happen right before my eyes right now. The way I was stupidly daydreaming about telling Lyra that I love her, the way I spotted a black figure on the terrace, the way she jumped without a warning, the way it all ended-

No! If she really wanted to go, why couldn't she just let me be? Why did she have to be everywhere? Why did she die if she never wanted to leave me alone? Why was she still in my head, pirouetting all over my headspace with her pointe shoes?

"Damn you, girl. Do you have any idea how much I hate you?" I threw a stone aimlessly into the sea. "I hate you, Lyra. I hate you. So, so much."

There was no response and it was foolish of me to even expect one. The waves crashed against each other loudly, filling the silence and the winds brushed against my dry lips. I waited for the tears to flow but it seemed like they had deserted me too.

"Not for what you did to me. For what you did to yourself." I explained. It's not like she could hear me but I couldn't help myself. Why? Why? Why? The question kept repeating in my head like a never-ending chant.

❝I'm never gonna meet
What could've been, would've been
What should've been you.❞

A glint of light reached my eye and I ducked to find the ruby on the ring in my pocket reflecting the sun's light back. I held it between my thumb and index finger, carefully watching it glisten under the crimson light. Did this ruby ring know what it lost today? Or did it know death better than me? After all, it did belong to my mother.

This ring was my mom's last memory. Probably the only one I still had, left with me. All her jewellery was already sold by my father when he needed money for relocating us to a new town after mom's death. To help me get over the trauma, in his words, while what he really meant was to get rid of the guilt her memories gave him. If he was even capable of feeling any emotion in the first place. But I managed to steal this one from her hand, scratch that, from her dead body's hand. I needed a memory; I needed something that would make her live with me forever. Hence the ring.

Maybe this ring knew the pain of losing someone all too well — even better than me. After over a decade, it was about to adorn the fingers of someone who meant the world to me. After so many years, I had the courage to find someone, love someone in spite of the irrational fear that I would lose them someday. Her fingers would help this ring find its charm; I could picture how pretty this ring would look on her slender finger. But before she would wear it, she died too. Maybe this ring was the root of all evil. Maybe it was cursed. Or maybe it was just quietly suffering at the hands of fate. Just like me.

Eveying the square-cut ruby ring for the last time, I muttered a silent goodbye and held it tighter in my closed fist. The next second, I let it go out of my grip and threw it far away into the water. Either this ring would go away from me just like mom and Lyra did or it would find its peace, its happy ending that I never could. And if the sea ends somewhere — probably in heaven as they say — it would reach the hand that was supposed to wear it.

Because it was no longer mine to keep. It had goodbyes written all over it. I didn't need it anymore.

I don't think I have it in me to love anymore either. My faith in love died the minute Lyra jumped and got buried with her. There was no coming back from this. This was the ending. A terrible story written by cruel fate.

❝Did some force take you because I didn't pray?
Every single thing to come has turned into ashes
'Cause it's all over, it's not meant to be.❞

Carefully placing the book inside, I drummed my fingers on the stack of books inside my bag. Lyra hated when I disrespected books that way but there's no way she could stop me now, could she?

A constant, unending beep played in my head like a broken record and I tried massaging my temples to make it go away but the voice didn't stop. It felt like a strange and high pitched deadline* sound. Though I wasn't sure what it was, I knew that it was beyond irritating and I would break my head with a stone if it didn't stop anytime soon.

"Stop!" I yelled but it still didn't.

After a few moments of waiting, tears pricked the corner of my eye and the sky cried with me as its sun jumped into the sea too. This certain déjà vu was scary yet somewhat familiar. I couldn't point a finger at it but I couldn't breathe again. Air gushed out of my lungs and I sat there and watched as my body longed for a gasp of oxygen that never came. Unwillingly, I buried my face into my knees, locking them into a tight grip and curled up into a ball just like Lyra used to whenever she was sad.

Damn, how will I live with this empty space in my life?

Please come back, Lyra. Please.

The sky had turned a shade of crimson and orange. Though the rain had stopped pouring, my tears didn't seem to end. The sun was drowning, disappearing into the sparkly waters. Wait, was the sun setting already? I wasn't sure if my vision was blurring or if the very land I sat on was quaking, sobbing, grieving the loss of someone it loved so dearly.

❝Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You were bigger than the whole sky.❞

The sun was about to leave. The darkness of the scary night was about to spread all over, the last ounce of light slowly fading now. And once again, I had no option but to helplessly watch another beautiful thing end. All of a sudden, I was a child again and my mother was holding me in her arms. I still remembered how my mom always used to say that when we wish for something while looking at the setting sun, with our whole heart, it always comes true.

I never believed in it but what if it worked-

"I know this is stupid, but if this is true, please bring me my Lyra back. I want to live with her, laugh with her. I want to be around her whenever she needs me. I want her back, Sun. I want a second chance. I want to save her. And most importantly, I want to tell her how much I love her. Please? Just once-"

I tried to keep talking but no voice came out. My throat was parched, my heart was slowing down and I could feel a bitter taste in my mouth. Nothing made sense anymore. The chants in my head kept getting distorted. And the next thing I remember is that the deadline sound in my head got way too loud for me to tolerate.

Giving up on my confused self and giving in to the flow once again, I forced myself to fall asleep with my head on my knees.

____________

*When you hear a deadline sound, it implies that your brain is trying to repair itself but failing miserably.

[Song Lyrics Credits: "Bigger Than the Whole Sky" by Taylor Swift.]

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Random Question - Which is your favourite subject?

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Author's Note - Helllooooo! How was this chapter? What do you think of Diego? Do you like him? I know he isn't one of those cute or bad boy fictional character, but do you find him bearable? Also, did you enjoy the subtle depiction of a grief cycle? Our boy here went through it all before giving up and falling asleep xD

Edit: As I rewrite this story into a novel after so many years, I'm trying really hard to keep his childlike innocence alive and intact in the story. Hope I'm able to achieve that. Let me know if you have any thoughts / suggestions.

What do you think will happen next? Will Diego's wish come true? P.S. Think once more, this book has scientific logic! Why, do you think, could Lyra have died? Without an explanation? How do you feel about the fact that Diego faced a death twice, without any explanation?

I am very upset about letting go of the ruby ring into the sea, aren't you, too? I wish hitting Diego in the head for doing that. It was his mother's last memory!

Btw, how many of you love roaming on the beach? I do :D

Just a reminder - I love you all <3

[I know this story is supposed to be set in 2015 but this song (from 2022) works so well with this scene that I had to insert the lyrics here! This song is literally perfect for the scenes in this chapter :')]

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