im not holding back anymore. this pain inflicted on me. people who care the most i barely meet and i feel like its all fake. ive been through pain for years and i dont care what anyone says its my turn to rant. im always told its ok. that it isnt as bad as it seems. well tell me its not that bad when youve been in my shoes. mental abuse and being terrified of your family. being told to die. asked why im alive. i dont know why. i honestly dont but somethings telling me to stay. and i know most of you hate it. to most of you im just a fatass bitch who can die in a ditch. well guess what your not the only one who thinks that. my life is so hard for me because what ive been through. you people dont know so you wouldnt understand. ive resorted to relieving myself in pain. starving and burning myself. it hurts but it makes you happy. and thats what you all want right? me to crumble into a ball of pain until im forced to kill myself

my pain is different though

im put in pain by myself because my mind

i depend on that little voice in my head telling me what to do

i have delt with so much i know when to feel pain and when not to

most the time i dont

believe me

dont believe me

i care

but i just want to let you know. because this hurts

and the truth is this is how i truley feel. i feel like i have to carry everyone on my shoulders to help them. but then i forget about myself. but then when you all jump off and try to carry me i feel pathetic. i feel like death is upon me and its coming soon.

im a girl who protects

smiles through the day

laughs alot

and is confused.

these are true. to the outside world. but those who know me well know

im a girl that will die for someone in a heart beat

that i cry myself to sleep most nights

that i have to force a smile to let everyone think im ok

im smart in the spiritual world.

i may not be able to do algebra or understand things very well.

but tell me how many people truley understand that life is just a game. full of options and decisions and pain and suffering.

theres two parts

the beginning where its easy

and the end where its impossible to most

those who give a real smile and havent met serious problems are at the beginning

those like me are at the impossible side and most of us know we are fucked

so try me

go ahead insult me

tell me to die

tell me to go the fuck away

dont worry its all coming soon

when i leave no one will rember

i have no work put into the world

no mark to be remebered by

im just waiting for death

im just waiting

and waiting

and waiting

and waiting

because all the pain is bad but there is such a pain where it hurts so much all you can do is laugh through it. im at a level like that. but for me i still let everything slip. because im a fuck up

a misunderstood

a freak

a hated

a disowned

a abused

a bitch

a coward

a differet

a hopeless

a painful

a memory

a nothing