Warnings: heavy feels

Notes: Get a tissue box

Empty. Lost. Cold.
Ezra sat alone on the edge of the cavern, hands draped over his legs and his shoulders slouched. Eyes gazed into the distance, dull and unfocused. He was tired. No, he was exhausted. Shattered beyond compare. His muscles ached, his limbs were heavy. Any sane person would sleep. But Ezra couldn’t sleep. Despite his weary body, his mind was wide awake, too wired from the yesterdays events. From Kanan's death.
Glancing up at the moons of Lothal, Ezra let out a breath and tried to let himself relax, to unwind, to process everything. But it was easier said than done. Kanan was the closest person he had to a father, but now he was gone. Just like his blood dad.
Ezra took in a shuddering inhale and reached out in the Force. Trying to find the warm presence of his Master through a bond. The one he and Kanan had created together through love and trust and that had stayed firm for three years. But what Ezra was greeted with was an emptiness that had been there since Kanan's passing. The hole where Kanan's presence once filled. The hole where Ezra's father figure once filled.
Staring at the sky, the stars blurred as tears filled Ezra's eyes. He brushed them away. He had to be stong. He had to stay firm with his emotions. Everyone was lost, but he needed to stay together. But he always felt complete with Kanan. He was a Padawan without a Master, with lessons still needed to be learned, and ropes of life still needed to be tied. Ezra covered his mouth as a small hiccup escaped him, tears starting to fall.

'Stay strong' he told himself, wiping away the tears.

'Always stay stong. Always.'

Hera, Sabine, Zeb, Ahsoka, Rex, Sato, and Kanan. Had all held themselves together in situations like this. Through the most traumatizing and difficult moments, all his friends had pushed through.
Why couldn't he?

"Whop whop?"

Ezra jumped a little as he looked round to see Chopper. The little droid instantly noticed the boy's tear stained face and rolled over. Stopping beside the young Jedi, he reached out one of his metal arms and rested it on Ezra's shoulder. He warbled quietly. Ezra looked at Chopper, eyes sorrowful.

"I know, I miss him too."

Chopper gently squeezed the teen's shoulder, beeping softly.

"No, I can't sleep, g-go recharge or something Chop, I can keep watch for the night" Ezra said, voice cracking mid-sentence.

Chopper shook his head and warbled more firmly. Ezra sighed, glancing at the astromech.

"Alright, fine, you win" he admitted.

Chopper lightly patted Ezra's back and the boy got up.

"Can't guarantee how long I'll be able to sleep though."

Chopper beeped, lightly pushing Ezra towards the tunnels with his dome.

"Okay okay, I'm going" Ezra said.

Chopper nodded with satisfaction before rolling back over to the cliff and setting down for night watch duty.
__________________________________

Ezra decieded to sleep in a different cavern than the others. Mainly because he wanted to be alone, but also because he couldn't face the others looking so broken. Lying down on the floor, Ezra tossed the blanket he'd taken from the storage over himself and rested his head on his arms. Exhaling slowly, Ezra curled into a ball and closed his now heavy eyelids. Accepting the embrace of unconsciousness...

Fire flickered and roared as the fuel pod erupted. Kanan, who'd been helping Hera climb aboard the Imperial gunship, turned to the flames. The heat rose like a wave, attempting to climb the invisible barrier Kanan put between the fire and the rebels.

"Kanan!" Hera screamed fighting her way out of Ezra's arms.

Kanan turned and held Hera where she was with the Force. The Twe'lik levitated from the ground for a few fleeting moments before Kanan pushed her back into Ezra's arms. The teen stared, heart pounding as the Jedi gazed straight at him. Then, as if a miracle had been performed, colour returned to the grey pupils. The rich teal blue Ezra had forgotten existed. Time stood still as Ezra's eyes met Kanan's, a smile twitched on the older Jedi's face. Ezra felt tears starting to well up in his eyes. From joy or from sadness, he wasn't sure. The moment only lasted a few seconds before the ship jerked away and the flames engulfed the man who wasn't only a friend, but a dad at heart...

Ezra awoke on a black and star dotted floor. Silence ringing around the airy terrain. Slowly sitting up Ezra felt a shadow fall over him. Turning, he froze. Kanan stood over him, eyes glaring down on the teen. 

"You didn't help me Ezra" he growled.

"K-Kanan, w-what c-could I have done?" Ezra stuttered.

"You could've assisted me, helped me fight the fire. You have the Force too, or did your useless brain already forget that?"

"K-Kanan" Ezra whimpered.

"You will never become a Jedi" Kanan hissed.

"You're just a pathetic lonely kid trying to be a hero."

"Stop" Ezra whispered.

"You'll never have a family again."

"P-please s-stop" Ezra covered his ears.

"I trusted you! I put my life in your hands so many times! And you failed me when I needed you most" Kanan snapped.

"Kanan! Stop!" Ezra cried out, tears rolling down his face.

"P-please! Stop!"

"And I called you my Padawan" Kanan lifted his lightsaber.

"NO! KANAN!" Ezra screamed, sitting bolt upright. 

Cold sweat dropped from Ezra's forehead as he clutched his hair, breathing deeply as he tried to calm down.

It was a dream
It isn't real
It isn't real
It can't be real
Please don't let it be real

Ezra swallowed and exhaled slowly.

"I-It isn't true" he told himself softly.

"It can't be, Kanan loved you...didn't he?"

Ezra released the death grip on his hair and instead dug his nails into his palms until his hands hurt.

"Kanan loved you, you know he did..."

Tears slipped from Ezra's eyes as he considered the facts. He wasn't so bad, he was strong, could hold his own in battle, but yet wasn't strong enough in the fight to save his Master. His closest friend. And father figure...

"Come home" Ezra whimpered, curling into a ball and sobbing into his knees.

"Please Kanan, come h-home...I need you, our family isn't whole without you. I'm not whole without y-you..."

Ezra lost himself in the tears that stung his eyes and rolled down his face. He didn't try to brush them away.

"Ezra?"

Ezra lifted his head from his trembling hands to see Hera at the doorway. He tried to speak, but his voice cracked and a small whimper was the only sound that escaped. Shivering, he reached out for the pilot. Hera was by the boy in an instant, taking him into her arms and pressing her head against Ezra's.

"I'm here Ez" she murmured softly.

"What's wrong?"

Ezra closed his eyes tight, tears spilling down his cheeks as he clung to the Twe'lik.

"K-Kanan he...he h-hates me Hera" Ezra's voice was shaking much more than he felt it should've.

"I c-couldn't help him and now he hates m-me."

"Ezra" Hera lifted the teen's chin and wiped away the tears that lined his cheeks.

"Kanan does not hate you, he sacraficed himself for all of us, it was his choice to do so."

"Why though? I...I want him back Hera, I just w-want him to come home."

Tears slipped from Ezra's eyes again as he buried his face into Hera's shoulder. The pilot tightened her hold on the teen, rubbing circles on his back.

"I've got you" she whispered.

Those three words, memories came flooding back to Ezra when Kanan had spoken the exact same sentence.

Facing down the Inquisitors...

In the Sith Temple...

When Recklem Station was falling...

Ezra sobbed into Hera's embrace, lifting his head a little. He thought he'd imagined it, but he was sure he heard the faint howl of a Lothwolf somewhere out in the fields of Lothal. Taking a breath Ezra voiced the question he had thought for a long time;

"Why can't things be better?"

Hera shook her head, still holding the teen close.

"We can make it better, together. It's what Kanan would want, and what we can achieve if we stay as one."