my mind is so loud, I don't know what to do. everything is getting so pent up and it hurts, so badly, and I want to end it all. I want to stop being able to think about how many pills exactly it will take to kill me, because theres no use in wasting. I want to stop unconsciously tying nooses with any bit f string or rope I find. I want to stop looking at the gasoline and matches and the larger bathtub that was installed recently and I want to stop thinking. about everything. because everything I look at reminds me of a way to end it all, but im so afraid of that. I don't want to end it, but I don't want to live either. I want to live in that gray space, where I am numb, because that is better than constantly feeling the pain, right? its better than detaching myself, caring to little yet caring too much, testing people to see their limits, how many times I can cross a line before they leave, because they will all leave and then I have lessened the number of people hurt when I leave too. I cant stop I don't want to stop I want to stop my mind cannot reason what I want I don't know what to do why cant I stay focused why cant I think of pros and cons why cant I just leave. how many people would care? notice? if all of a sudden I stopped making announcements stopped messaging stopped commenting stopped everything how many would message me out of worry? how many would ignore it and forget I was ever here how many actually CARE

im at my limit