I'm scared. I'm scared that you will leave me, I'm scared that I will never be good enough for anyone, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I mess up I'm sorry I have issues I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm depressed, I'm sorry that sometimes I want to be a boy. I'm so, so sorry. I know I can't live up to what you want me to be, what anyone wants me to be, that sometimes.... 

I just want to be told, "it's alright. I know you're not okay, and I love you anyways. I know you have issues, and we'll work them out together." And you do that, but you have to say them to me too much. 

I'm tired of being scared. Scared of everything, everyone. I'm tired of being scared that I'm going to get my heart broken, my back stabbed. I'm tired of always looking behind my shoulder, because someone might be there waiting to betray my heart. I'm tired of caring. I'm so, so tired. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up, but I'm scared of the dark too. 

But that's not your fault, I'm just broken. You'd be better off with anyone, and yet you still choose me. I ask myself why everyday. I'm not pretty, I have no talent, I'm not noticeable, so why do you choose me. You could have anyone, so why me? Do you really love me that much? Because if you don't, I wouldn't blame you. I hate myself too. 

I hate that I'm scared

I hate that I'm weak

I hate that I can't be there for you like others could be

 I hate that I'm weird

I hate that I'm emotional

I hate that I care too much

I hate that I don't care enough 

I hate that I'm broken

I hate that I have issues 

I hate that I'm like this

I hate that despite every part of me just wanting to stay down when life puts me on the ground, I get up again. Because it would be so much easier to let go, so much easier to just overdose, or take the razor across my wrists, or to drown. To just fall asleep and never wake up. 

And yet I get up. And I get pushed down again and again and I KEEP GETTING UP. I want to stay down but something won't let me. It's that one part of my mind that tells me I need to get up, I need to be strong, for you. Because you need me. And I know it's not true, but I get up anyways. I hate myself so much, and you keep me from staying down. You are the reason I get up. 

But sometimes, I really really wonder, who would care if I stayed down. Would anybody notice? Would anybody see that behind the fake smiles and forced laughs, I'm breaking? 

I want to be ok, I really do, but I'm not strong. I act like I am for you, so you have someone to rely on. I want to be okay for you, but I'm not, and I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry.