I pop these pills to waste some time.
Waste time? Spend time? Speed up time?
I don't know. It's all the same for me.
The pills aren't the type of antidepressants you can get at your local pharmacy.
They're different.
Stronger.
Addictive. Like drugs.
Medicinal drugs that aren't medicinal drugs. Does that make sense? Maybe.

Only one person makes them.
My friend, Alef. He works in the pharmacy industry and creates medicine. He created this recipe for me.

We met in an orphanage. He's a year older than me and arrived when I was 4. He got adopted at 10 years old. I stayed at the orphanage until adulthood.
He didn't see my flaws, my deformed second pair of arms which were always bandaged up from surgeries, or that I was a loner.
He was nice to me. He turned my mock name into a nickname.

"Four arms"

I like it when he calls me that.

He knew that I acted differently compared to other kids my age. I wasn't as joyful, energetic, playful or anything like them. I didn't even really feel pain. Thinking back I believe the surgeries were the cause of that. Anaesthesia doesn't work on me so I felt each cut with the scalpel and moving of bone fragments. I think I grew numb towards it at some point. I don't remember. I also didn't sleep much, I was a night owl and still am. The night was the time in which I had my peace. I usually stay up until nearly 5am to play games or read or do whatever I was up to that I enjoyed.
He never saw it as an issue until we met again as adults. Alef was successful, studied at a good university and already works part time in the Pharmaindustrie.
I lived a life as a criminal. And stayed the same. It was only until he questioned me about my emotions that I realized I basically felt none.
I didn't grow up with a parental figure, being set up for adoption for being a "freak", and I've learnt that staying cold was the best way to avoid conflicts.

"A void of sadness" is what Alef called it.

I didn't even remember what real sadness felt like, so I just called it "a void". Maybe I was sad all the time but didn't realize it.

I don't remember our discussion, but we ended up with a deal that Alef will try and develop some type of antidepressant for me and I give him money in return every time I need a new bottle. For the materials he used, obviously.

It worked. I finally felt stuff for the first time after my first pill. Happiness, sadness, anger, fear, jealousy, love, hate, all of it.
I took the pills for the emotions I could feel, I don't care if the negative feelings felt worse than before, I just wanted to feel something. I never regained my full sense of pain but that is something I'll gladly leave out.

The issue is that I was paying Alef with stolen money and he is basically leading a drug business with me. If he were to be caught, he could face jail time and also lose his job.

He said he didn't care. He liked it when I was happy.

I like myself when I'm happy as well.

But sometimes it feels like an act I play.
Ironic, isn't?

I used to take the pills when I felt like it.
But ever since I met Voltix and the rest of my current family it feels like an obligation. I never told them about my past other than living in an orphanage. They don't know about my numbness towards emotions or that I take pills that don't exist on the market.

They know the version of me who's high on drugs.

On top of that I've been going through my pills faster than usual. The effects of the pill last like a few hours. I've been taking two pills a day lately to keep up with my feelings.

And my body is starting to get used to them.
In other words: The effects have become smaller as my body adapts to them.

I need a higher dosage.

I don't want them to find out. I hate keeping secrets and I hate revealing secrets even more.