Face the demons
Of my inner being,

And tell them
That you love me,
That you are here to stay.

Tell them they don't scare you
And promise me
You'll never
Walk away.

Jahan

'Saboohi's father was rolled in the hospital a day before. His appendix was burst and infection was growing in.'

Yesterday - 3:07 am

'He's no more. Died of infection and sepsis.'

Today - 9:34 am

'what time do you guys reach here?'

Today - 9:55 am

I read the messages before turning my phone off. I couldn't bring myself to break the news on Saboohi. Her phone was switched off, I did it. Alamdar had rang her eighty times till morning and I had no choice but to switch it off and push it in the back of my closet. Saboohi barely used her phone. I had rung Doctor Zeba first thing in the morning after the late night call with Zaryaab.

She said it was better if I don't tell Saboohi right away instead wait for a few days. She said maybe seeing a lot of people at the funeral might upset her more and she might not be able to cope up well. My head was already throbbing with the devastating news. I was thinking of going to attend the funeral but I couldn't leave Saboohi behind. I couldn't even risk letting her know the news from someone else.

I just couldn't think of something properly. I couldn't reach out for help. I couldn't talk to Zaryaab about Saboohi's condition. It was all a mess.

Running a hand through my hair, I reserved the car from the parking spot of the site area. I had no energy to think of getting things right. Guilt was already over clouding my mind like a snake around my neck. I knew I wasn't being just, but I had no other choice when her doctor had straight away said no.

I knew Mirza Sahib loved Saboohi the most, and I how could I forget he himself asked not to return because he didn't want Saboohi to over go the pain of seeing him lose his life.

The clouds had started to shadow the sun, and the pleasant air was swaying in and out but what was actually pleasant about the day. I couldn't stop thinking about the funeral and the fact that we would be expected there being another cherry on top.

I killed the engine. My shoulders dropping as I got out and locked the car. Walking upto the door, I unlocked it. Seeing the woman stand from the sofa and walk towards me. My demeanor tensing up more as I looked at her way.

•

Saboohi

I was anxious.

And nervous.

If I needed Jahan to look at me. I had to put all my efforts in it. And if there was another woman, I had to find that out too. I was risking a whole lot of part of me on pondering over Alamdar's words.

You have everything in hand to control Jahan.

But of course I didn't want to control Jahan. I just wanted him to give me attention in a better way. Too care for me as I was wife. I wanted him to stop with all games and just be my husband. Like Papa was to Moma. Like Zaryaab is to Afaaf. I wanted my husband's love.

Did I sound desperate?

I contemplated on what I should do. Before I threw the elephant out of the room and showered. Got dressed and filled the house with white flowers all around. I wanted it to be the beginning of a new version of ourselves. I was willing to love him. He just had to take the first step and I was willing to throw myself in his arms.

I put a vase of the window and then waited for him.

Until he finally arrived.

The door unlocked and I stood up from my position on the sofa. Jahan' eyes met mine and I tried to compose my trembling legs as I walked over to him.

He looked tensed when his hand closed the door behind him and I wound my arms around his neck. The tip of my toes touching the floor. Despite that I was tall, it was still hard to just wrap him within my grasp. My heart beats synchronized with his. Racing and thudding against the ribcages.

And I found a second to resemble our beating hearts like the waves that crash and crash in the ocean so high that it terrified the human being. The waves, they terrifies the human being. And human heart terrifies human beings. His heart terrifies mine.

The clouds outside roared in their own tones and I let my cheek rest over his shoulder. His suit jacket's rough surface brushing against my soft skin. My throat clogged up as I held him silently feeling his palm slide up my back before resting over my spine. His deep voice breaking the silence I had sewed.

" Are you okay, Saboohi?"

I sighed and tightened my arms around him. Fearing he'd slip away any minute and leave me with the wind and shadow behind.

" I am."

" Did you get scared then?"

He asked again and this time I managed to smile. Before shaking my head.

" I won't be scared as long as you're there."

My thick words rolled out and I pulled back just enough to look in his eyes. His amber brown eyes looking at me worriedly. His hand still over my spine and I gulped. Before leaning over to him again. My face resting in the crook of his neck, feeling his skin flush warm.

" Jahan. Would you like to have a new beginning with me. Where we understand each other and not fight. Where there's hope and love?"

He stiffened before relaxing. He pulled back just enough to look at me. His forehead caressing into a frown.

" Yes Saboohi and that is why we are here."

I smiled. My head shaking before I spoke again.

" Then let's have this beginning. Make me feel loved and special. I want to be your wife and not a child you always have to scold. I am ready to pour all my love in this relationship."

His eyes were swirling, the amber in them going into circles and the frown etched on his face worried me.

" Is there something wrong?"

I found myself asking. The man shook his head.

" Then I at least deserve my first kiss. And more."

I chuckled and heat perfused over my cheeks as I said it. My internal self face palming. The man however tensed. His eyes widening for a fraction. I leaned closer to his face. Seeing his eyes roam over my features before they returned to my eyes.

" Saboohi. I think we should take small steps before proceeding-"

My mind mocked a slap over my face, hard. And I frowned.

" Jahan. Do you not find me attractive? Is there something wrong with me?"

The heart was beating rapidly now in panic.

The man shook his head and blabbered on with words but I broke free from his grasp.

" Then I don't understand. Is it that hard for you to move on. Or is there another woman?"

His amber eyes snapped to mine.

" Saboohi. What? What are you talking about?"

He looked utterly surprised but instead he was surprising me. And I chuckled humorlessly.

" The woman you were talking to last night. That wom-"

" Saboohi where did you get that idea from. I was talking to Zaryaab for fucks sake."

His eyes were large and they threw daggers and fire as he shouted. Making my frown deep.

" What was so important that Zaryaab wanted to discuss it at three in the morning!"

He ran a hand through his hair, the other one settling over his hip.

" It doesn't matters what he was talking about. But Saboohi I would never cheat on you. Where did you even get that idea from?"

I cried softly sitting on the chair. My hair becoming a curtains for my face.

" You never praised, never said a word that'd show you actually cared. You didn't even make a move on me. I was the one clinging to you from the start. And I felt as if you didn't find me good enough and you had another wom-"

My sobs took over my words. The man reached forwards and kneeled before me taking my hands in his own. His warm eyes looking up at me.

" Shsh. Saboohi don't cry. Come here."

I sniffed as he pulled my hand and helped me sit on the couch before going upto the kitchen. He returned back with a glass of water. The rim of the glass touched my dry lips and I chugged in some sips. He sat the glass down before cupping my cheeks.

" Saboohi. I am sorry. I've been a horrible husband and i feel very guilty for it. Please don't cry."

His voice dropped octaves as he brushed my tears away and my heart melted.

" You're perfect the way you are. And I'd love to have a fresh start with you Saboohi. I'd really want that. A beautiful life with you ahead."

He rubbed my cheek and I felt the brimming tears roll down as I fiddled with my fingers. Like a kid my throat clogged up and I asked.

" Then why are you rejecting me like this?"

His lips lifted upwards in a small smile.

" I am not rejecting you Saboohi. I am just-"

He averted his eyes and pushed a thick strand of my hair behind my ear. Before sighing out.

" I don't want to rush in with things. And I don't want to rush you into things. We have a beautiful life ahead. I don't want to kiss you just because you asked me too. I want to kiss you Saboohi because I want to."

I titled my head. Feeling my lips part at what he had said. The honesty in his eyes flustered me and I found my head nodding at him.

" You want us to understand each other right? Do you understand what I am saying then?"

I felt myself falling into the spell he was casting over me. And I nodded yet again. He smiled at me before pecking my forehead. His touch still lingering even when he moved back.

" Its going to rain soon. Would you like some club sandwiches and fries for dinner?"

" I'd love that." I grinned with my tear soaked face.

" Alright then." He grinned back before standing up and going up the stairs to fresh up. I sat for a few minutes. A new hope bursting in my chest.

It was going to be alright.

Jahan was here now.

It was going to be okay. Now.

I shook my head, I was already falling for him. And I found myself mutter in the silent house.

" I'll help you with dinner."

•

Jahan

Vulnerability.

That was what I saw in her eyes as she looked up at me. With large brown, butterscotch filled eyes. And I found myself staggering upon how innocent and hopeless she was. She looked so pure asking me for a kiss that my heart spiked up. But I couldn't do it. Miles away from us, her father funeral was going on and she was unaware, opening up her rights and layers to me.

My decency didn't allow me to do so.

I did mean each word I said to her. She just expelled the words out of me. And I wanted to move mountains to push her insecurities and hopelessness away. She trusted me, her father trusted me, my parents trusted me, and I trusted myself enough not to break her heart.

I did wanted to start a life with her, where she could be my wife, where I'd be her husband, and we'd love our perfect fairytale. Ronaq wasn't coming back but she had given me a chance to explore life. She had given me the world she couldn't have. And I was no way getting it wasted.

It had been three days since her father's burial. And mom and dad were back in Swat, answers would soon be expected from us. But I was on one side relieved that Alamdar was away. He wouldn't be able to tell Saboohi before me. I had to decide and my mind was giving me only one solution, that this weekend I return back home with Saboohi and let her know.

I looked up seeing the sun set against the horizon. The blue and pink sky was scattered through and through and I found myself saying a small prayer before getting up from the chair in the gallery.

Walking inside, I prayed in the lounge and then sat with the television screen switched on before me. The same news repeating over and over again. My phone vibrated on the table and I reached for it. Seeing Zaryaab's name flash over the screen.

Sliding against the green button, I pressed the device to my ears. My eyes flickering around seeing Saboohi no where to be seen.

" Jahan, where have you been. I've called you like six thousand times now. We even called Saboohi. You know her father die-"

" Zaryaab slow down. There was an emergency here."

I hissed in the phone, already gathering the lie I had to say.

" What? What? Are you guys okay? What emergency?"

I scratched my neck.

" Saboohi was in the hospital. She hit her head very hard on the bathroom floor. I had to take her in ER. And then the doctor said- um that we shouldn't break a news to her that might cause um-"

" Is she okay now? Why didn't you like inform us?"

I huffed.

" Um yeah actually we were about to tell you guys but I was so worried. Saboohi was acting strange. I couldn't even risk driving with her for five hours"

He seemed to be buying it as he sighed.

" Well then. She's okay now? Afaaf wants to talk to her."

I tensed, seeing Saboohi pad down the stairs and hear Zaryaab say what he said.

" Um. Not right now. Saboohi wants help with something I have to go bye."

I whispered hurriedly before hanging up on him. My eyes flickered to Saboohi as I lie on the couch. My heart thudding loudly as if it was the first time I had ever lied.

My wife walked into the kitchen as if on auto pilot. Her hands grabbed the plates before she set them on the table. I sat up seeing the grim look lining her face. Her face looked oddly white. Minutes later, dinner was set on the table. I stood up before walking over to the table seeing the woman play with the fork. Her hand was trembling.

" I am just gonna go and fresh up."

I walked up the stairs and into the room. Getting done with my business, I wiped my hands with the towel and threw it over the bed. I cursed seeing it fall over my laptop. Taking the towel, I placed it on it's respectable place before allowing my eyes to travel to my laptop. I hadn't placed it there the last time I worked on it. Did Saboohi use it? I walked closer before picking it up. Seeing a small bottle tucked under Saboohi's pillow.

I took the bottle, uncapped it, and smelled it. They were colourful like multi vitamins. Were these in her prescription after her discharge from the hospital?

Frowning I walked downstairs, leaving the laptop and pills behind. Saboohi was still waiting with her eyes staring in space. I sat down and we began to eat. Silence filling every corner. I looked up to Saboohi, seeing the woman cup her mouth. I reached my hand out to her elbow.

" Hey, are you okay? Water?" I filled the glass with water, forwarding it to her. Seeing her shake her head.

Worry etched my bones as large tears silently rolled down her eyes.

" Saboohi. Look at me. What happened?"

I asked as the woman looked up. Her eyes red from crying. She shook her head and stood up. Her plate landing besides the skin as she softly cried. I panicked seeing as she swaggered towards the stairs making me pull her back immediately. Tilting her face up, I gripped her arm.

" Saboohi. What is wrong? What did you do?"

My eyes widened as I stared down at the woman seeing her all messed up. She bursts into tears, her body fighting to loosen my grip. I glowered before pulling her to the skin.

" What did you eat Saboohi?" I asked not caring that I was shouting at her. Her hands trembled as she pushed her tendrils behind her ears.

" I took the pills-"

I couldn't understand what to do. And so I did the only thing I thought was the best. Pulling her mouth open, I thrust my two fingers down her throat, making the woman gag before I helped her lean over the sink and empty her stomach.

" Come on we need to go to the hospital."

Saboohi sobbed loudly, sliding to the floor. Shouting.

" No. No. No."

I couldn't understand what was happening to her. Yet my heart was aching.

" Saboohi. Tell me what happened? Please, please I beg you."

I leaned down besides her, my hands reaching to her arms. She looked up with tear filled eyes.

" He died Jahan. He died and you kept it from me."

She yelled painfully, gripping her hair. My eyes froze on her, before I let my body slump besides her on the floor. She was miserable. Crying in a way that was heart wrenching to watch. She was hiccupping, sobbing, crying all at the same time. Her breaths were utterly rugged.

I had only seen Zaryaab cry like this when Ronaq's coffin was lifted. And I couldn't bear Saboohi cry like this.

I reached my hands around her, to hug her to me but she shook her head moving away. Instead she stood up in her knees. Her eyes wide and red as she looked at me.

" My Papa's gone. He's no more. He.. he would no longer be there for me. He.. wouldn't ever again hold my hand. I won't ever see him reading the newspaper. I.. he won't ever say something to me he's gone."

She cried and my heart trembled. My head shaking as I reached for her again only for her to move away. She buried her face in her hands mumbling something that I couldn't decipher. Food was long forgotten. And I didn't know how many minutes or hours passed until Saboohi was quiet except for hiccupping. Her flushed face, blank eyes and every other muscle was frozen and rigid. The hard wood of the cabinets behind me scraped my spine as I moved forward. Her hand enveloping hers.

" Saboohi. Let's get you in bed. I'll take you back tomorrow."

The kitchen lights fell over her face and she shook her head. Her eyes looking up in mine.

" Jahan. I feel so much pain right now."

Her hoarse voice broke over my ears and I cupped her face.

" I know, I am sorry."

She eyes were swirling with thousands of emotions and I dropped my aching shoulders. My breaths halting as she spoke again.

" Will you let me do something to ease my pain?"

I frowned before moving more closer to her. My voice quiet and soft.

" What Saboohi-"

The woman gave me quick nod as she stood on her knees and reached for the drawers behind us. My dusty confusion flew out if the window when she pulled out the knife and sat down. Her other hand moving up to brush the fresh rolling tears away.

" Saboohi no." I warned with blazing emotions.

She gulped and frowned before looking up at me.

" It's not gonna hurt. It'll just be a small cut-"

" Saboohi give me that, don't do it. "

She cried out before cupping her mouth.

" Shsh Jahan. Please just one cut."

I sat down next to her. Slowly reaching for the knife behind her. She wasn't in her right mind, she didn't even know what she was talking about.

" Saboohi don't hurt yourself. Self harm is Haraam. Please there's a better way we could handle this. Please don't do this. This will not relieve you off the pain."

She looked at me with so much pain that I wanted to move the mountains to ease her off her pain. She brought the knife up and placed it on her forearm. She casted a quick glance at me as I held her hand stopping her from her administrations.

" Saboohi don't."

I begged. My voice thick with emotions and my vision turned blurry as I slumped next to her.

" Please."

She broke out. I breathed in deeply.

" Okay. I'll let you do it. But not your skin. Mine. Here."

I pushed my sleeve up and forwarded my forearm out to her. Her butterscotch eyes met my amber brown ones and she hiccupped.

" Here. Do it here." I brushed an invisible line with my finger over my skin. And beckoned her with my eyes. Saboohi trembled and she moved closer to me, her knees brushing against mine. Her hand was shivering as she placed the sharp tip of the knife over my hand. Her tears rolling down her face and my heart twisted in my chest waiting to feel my skin zip open. She caressed the knife over my skin, unable to place it still in any one point. She bit her lips hard.

" I can't do. I can't."

She yelled throwing the knife away, as it went sliding on the floor. She reached forward and wrapped her arms around me. I pulled her closer and onto my lap. She cried loudly and painfully. And sometime later she was sitting in my lap curled into a ball. Her cries had softened and my breaths had eased. As I kept mumbling sweet nothings to her.

Suddenly the lights went out as the clouds roared before pouring hard rain over all the land. Saboohi shivered, her hand reaching up to grasp my shirt as darkness prevailed in the house.

" It's okay Saboohi. I got you."

She looked up at me before burying her face in the crook of my neck as I leaned back against the cabinets. Her breaths now synchronizing with mine, calm and soft.

" Jahan?"

" Yes Saboohi."

Her next words melted my heart and I kissed the top of her head. Promising her in dark.

" You won't leave me, na?"

" I won't."

•

😭😭😭

What do you think guys?