THE COMMITMENT

It's right now, right now.
I ain't got the time to fuck around now.
Everybody told me settle down but,
It's right now, right now.

***

CHAPTER XLIV

*****

THREE MONTHS HAD seemed to fly by faster than I could blink. I had been so busy with Teo as well as building my business and attending regular therapy sessions that the day I realised that Teo's second birthday was only in a week, I almost freaked out. The realisation that the world continued to turn hit me like a truck of bricks.

Now, a week past that, it was safe to say that what I had planned for Teo's birthday had gone exactly as I had expected it to go; utter chaos. It was expected for any toddler birthday party so I didn't pay any mind to it. Instead, I appreciated how much he had seemed to laugh and allowed myself to tick it off as a success. Yet, that wasn't all that Teo's birthday meant to me. As I thought back to the conversation Pablo and I had had around this time, three months ago, I couldn't help the immense pride I felt for myself.

I had made Pablo the promise that I would at least let him help me up until this date, yet there I was helping myself. I knew I was nowhere near completely healed yet, but I also was miles away from where I had been three months ago and that felt phenomenal. All the times I had hurt myself in the past and attempted to end it all, when I finally 'recovered' from it, it had never left me feeling this healthy and happy, yet now, I was noticing a world of difference.

My healing was never a linear pathway. It wasn't always guaranteed that the next day, I would feel better than the last. Perhaps I wouldn't ever even be fully healed. There was always going to be bumps in the road for everyone. Eyra instead helped me discover things to do and ways to help me cope through the bad times instead of turning to bad habits that only hurt me in the long run. She helped validate my feelings and also helped me understand that there was nothing at all wrong with the way I was. It took a lot of therapy sessions and a lot of hard questions from her, usually along the lines of "why do you think that?" but eventually her words settled. Eyra helped me rebuild the foundations of myself and for that, I was grateful to her.

“Araceli?” Pablo called for me as he poked his head into my room to look at me over where I sat by the window. I looked over to him, silently letting him know he had my attention. “Can I talk to you?” he asked.

“I don't talk to losers,” I snapped, making him roll his eyes and let himself in anyway. As he walked past Teo, he playfully nudged him with his leg which only made Teo wack him in the leg with his stuffed toy.

“Vicious; like your mom,” Pablo said, narrowing his eyes at Teo who only looked up to him with a guilty smile on his face. Pablo nudged him again, quickly dodging his next wack before finally making his way up to me. He took a seat opposite me on the windowsill, pulling his legs up to his chest as I had done so we could both fit before finally speaking. “How are you?”

“I'm doing fine,” I answered nonchalantly despite knowing what it was exactly he was getting at. I could have made things easier for him, but then where was the fun in that?

“How do you feel now?” he asked instead of picking at my playfulness.

I pursed my lips and turned away from him, not feeling the need for the tension that was beginning to form between the two of us. I knew he was worried for me and was still scared that I might've wanted to kill myself. “I feel better, Pablo,” I said, letting a small smile stretch across my face to ease his worries. “I'm fine. I promise.”

“So it's been working?” he asked, his eyes hopeful as he watched me, begging him to give him the answer he had wanted to hear for so long. After three months of me pushing him away, was I finally going to let him in?

“Yes, it's been working,” I said, rolling my eyes at his ability to beat around the bush so much. “I don't want unalive myself anymore,” I said, making sure to censor my words for Teo. Toddlers were known for picking up the most useless but offensive words and phrases sometimes.

Pablo said nothing and only watched me in silence for a second, leaving me to stare back at him expectantly until he had finally spoken up.

“I feel like a little bitch,” he said as he raised up his hoodie to wipe away the tears I hadn't even known were sliding down his cheeks. “You make me so proud sometimes,” he confessed, unable to hide the way his voice cracked.

I frowned before getting onto my knees and wrapping my arms around his neck to hug him. He immediately hugged me right back, letting his chin rest on my shoulders and his hair tickle the side of my face.

“I think you're one of the best things that's walked into my life,” he confessed, burying his face in the crook of my neck and letting his tears soak through my top. “You were the only family I had for so long when we met. God, you meant so much to me, Ara. I know I'm overbearing a lot and I apologise for that, but I can't lose you. If I lost you, I'd have no one. I'd be alone again,” he cried into my shoulder, making tears prick at my own eyes as I placed my hand on top of his head. “Please don't leave me alone again.”

It was rare to see Pablo ever let his guards down so much, but it wasn't something I had never seen before. After all, he was my brother so who else would know him like the back of their own hand except for me? I knew this side of him all too well and even though we were both older now, it still physically hurt me when he got like this because I knew the only thing he felt deep down was pain. He tried his best to hide his emotions well, but Pablo had issues letting people go so whenever he felt someone was genuinely about to leave his life, it left him completely shattered and almost inconsolable.

It was very hard for him to let people in, but when he did, he never could bring himself to let them go. You could've been the worst, most manipulative piece of shit to ever walk the earth and Pablo would still roll with your ass because that just how loyal he was. Pablo would cut off his own limbs, carve out his own heart just for you because be couldn't lose you. It's why his father had been able to get away with the abuse and neglect for so long. Because Pablo was too loyal to him and his mother. It took Daniel executing them both for Pablo to finally be free but that relationship with his parents had scarred him permanently. It was probably also why he still fought to maintain the relationship he had with Emma even though she was "punishing" him. Because ge couldn't lose her.

“I'm not going anywhere, my love,” I said, using the terms of endearment I always used with Mateo because I knew in times like this, I needed to be as gentle to him as I was with a child. “I'm right here.”

“I thought—fuck, I thought I was going to lose you,” he said, making me realise that he was talking about the night I had almost killed myself. We were four months ahead of that, yet his mind was still stuck on that one moment. “I was so scared.”

“I know you were.”

“And I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to make you feel worse,” he said, sniffling as I slowly pulled away to look at his face. “But, I'm just... please don't hurt yourself again, Ara.”

I smiled at him despite the tears that were trailing down my cheeks and instead wiped his own away. “I won't anymore. You've already seen that I won't anymore,” I reassured him, “I promise.”

“God, I love you so much,” he said, pulling me back into his chest and resting his chin on top of my head. “Don't ever pull that shit again or else I'll lock you up somewhere and not let you out. Don't test me, Araceli, I'm fucking crazy. I swear I'll do out.”

“I'll chop your balls off and staple them to your forehead if you even think about trying that,” I said, hitting his shoulder and pulling away from him to glare at him. He only chuckled at my threat and swatted my hand away as I tried to ruffle his hair. I assumed my previous position, letting my back rest against the wall and watched Pablo quietly as he rested his head against his knees and sniffled quietly. “Will you stay with Daniel and I?” I asked him, referring to the plans we had made to celebrate Teo's birthday together since Daniel hadn't been able to be there during the day.

Pablo scrunched up his face in what looked like disgust and shook his head. “Abd be the thirdwheel? God forbid.”

“You're a drama queen,” I said. I opened my mouth to insult him some more before the doorbell had gone off, making me get up from my seat to go answer it.

“Who that?” Teo asked, following me out the door as I walked out and leaving Pablo alone in my room.

“Who do you think it is?” I responded, making him giggle as he ran ahead of me. He got on his stomach and slid down the stairs as he usually did before rounding the corner and making his way towards the door. I kept my pace and followed behind him until I was finally at the door as well and took my time to unlock it despite knowing that Teo was about to burst from excitement. He obviously knew who it was.

Before I had even swung the door open, Teo went running out, his hands outstretched and soon wrapped around Daniel's legs. “Papa!” he exclaimed in joy, making Daniel chuckle and get down to his level to hug him properly.

“Conejito,” he said, holding Teo close to his chest as he hugged him. “Como estas?”

“Bien,” Teo answered, not refusing to let go even as Daniel tried to look at his face. Instead of prying the child off him, Daniel only stood up straight, Teo still in his arms as he closed the door behind him.

“¿Me extrañaste?” he asked to which Teo only nodded and rested his head on his father's shoulders. Finally, Daniel looked to me standing at the side watching them and smiled. “Did you miss me?”

“I didn't even remember you existed until you showed back up,” I lied, looking down at my fingernails as if I couldn't care any less even though I could. The truth was that I missed Daniel so much while he was away, I couldn't couldn't explain it right. “How was Mexico?” I asked, referring to his business trip now instead of him.

“Estuvo bien,” he answered, walking past me to put his suitcase down.

“And your family is okay there?” I asked as I followed behind him to which he only nodded. “Are you okay? Have you eaten? Are you tired?”

He turned around, Teo still in his arms and took my chin in his free hand. “Si, si y si, amor,” he answered, placing a kiss on my cheek with every answer he gave me. “One of these days, I'll bring both of you with me,” he said, making me smile at him before turning his attention to Mateo. “Happy birthday, mijo,” he said like an old man, “how old are you today?”

Teo looked at me immediately, wanting me to tell him his age again like I had done earlier that day. “One,” I said, holding up one finger before raising the other and quietly sounding the next number so he could get it himself. “T...”

“Two!” he finally declared, kicking his legs out in excitement.

“Really?” Daniel asked, pretending to be shocked and in disbelief. Teo only giggled and nodded his head before burying his face in the crook of Daniel's neck. As if remembering something, Daniel suddenly turned to me. “Now that I remember, what's this I hear about a fight at the ball pit?” Daniel asked, making me roll my eyes and make my way upstairs.

“It was just some lowlife witch that thought she could punish my own son by hitting him,” I said, shrugging without an ounce of remorse as I beckoned for him to follow me up. “I had to put her in her place somehow.”

Daniel said nothing, yet his anger at the fact that someone had harmed Teo was obvious. “Did she know who you were?” he asked, stopping me to make sure I was still wearing his necklace which I had been. The way this necklace warded creepy men and unwanted advances away from me was insane. It was clear that almost everyone in this town was afraid of Daniel.

“If she didn't know before, I made sure she knows now,” I said, making him nod his head in satisfaction. It was so obvious to me that Daniel did not in anyway play about his son. Or me for that matter.

Upon reaching my room, we immediately set eyes on Pablo who had fallen fast asleep where I had left by the window.

Daniel made his way over to him, leaving Teo down by his feet as he picked up Pablo's face while he slept and inspected it. “He cried?” he asked me as he turned to look at me. I only nodded, making a frown come upon his face as he turned back to inspect his friend, his concern and worry obvious. “What happened?”

“Why are you touching my face?” Pablo asked groggily as he woke up from his sleep, not hesitating to swat Daniel's hands away.

“Sorry for being concerned for my friend,” Daniel said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes and took a step back. “I just wanted to know if you're okay?”

“I'm okay,” Pablo said, straightening himself up as he stood up. “Our abeula is okay, right?” he asked Daniel, referencing his trip and Daniel only rolled his eyes and hit him upside the head.

“My abuela and yes she's fine,” Daniel corrected him, narrowly dodging Pablo as he tried to hit him back.

“Our abuela.”

At this point the both of them shared everything but underwear and I wasn't even sure they didn't share that as well. The only thing Daniel truly had to himself was Lucien because relatively, nobody wanted to claim him. I did my own thing and let them finish arguing for a bit before Daniel told Pablo to shut the fuck up and Pablo told Daniel that he needed to get medical treatment for his hormonal shifts to stop his mood swings.

Pablo let out a yawn before focusing his eyes on me again. “I don't suppose you'll let me go home now would you?” he asked, despite already knowing the answer.

To humour him, I looked down at the watch on my wrist for the time before turning my attention back to him and folding my arms over my chest. “You had every opportunity to go home when it was still bright outside but you didn't,” I said, not even having to fully explain myself before he got the gist.

“I know, I know. I'll go to my room,” he said as he slowly made his way out the door not before winking at Daniel as if I couldn't see him do it. As he walked past me, I briefly heard him mutter something about the consequences of his own actions before he was out, closing the door behind him.

“Everyone of my friends have a room here except for you,” I said, pointing at Daniel who raised an eyebrow at me as he folded his arms across his chest. “And I'm too lazy to set one up for you right now, so you'll just have to share with me. Unless you want to sleep in Anna's room.”

“I need to go home, amor,” he said, placing his hands on my hips and drawing me closer to him in a bid to get me to let him go. “I can't sleep in this, you know.”

“It's a good thing that I have a lot of your clothes then, isn't it?” I said, smiling at him as he rolled his eyes at me. I pried myself away from his hands and walked over to my wardrobe where I kept all of the clothes I had of his folded and stored neatly. “Look, here's one of your t-shirts and here's your sweatpants. There are even pyjama bottoms in here, Daniel. God, you'd think you'd run out of things to wear with the way I just have half of your shit,” I muttered to myself, realising that at some point I was going to have to return some things to him at least.

“They smell like you,” he said, making me turn around to look at him only to feel my heart begin racing in my chest at the sight of his bare chest in front of me. Noticing my silence, he looked at me, a smirk stretching across his lips as he spoke. “Are you okay, amor?” he asked teasingly, making me roll my eyes and turn away.

I didn't need to be having such unholy thoughts of him right now.

“I was better without you here,” I muttered under my breath, making him chuckle and walk away from me to Mateo while I hastily got changed into my pyjamas in my closet before stepping out and closing the door behind me.

After that, the both of us spent time rewatching some of Teo's most favourite Disney movies and hiding our boredom before he finally fell asleep and I went to settle him down in his room. When I had returned, I assumed my former position which had been on the left side of the bed and turned around to face Daniel who was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling deep in thought.

Now was the best time to approach a conversation about our relationship with him, but I couldn't help but savour the moment for as long as I could. I hadn't noticed how expressive his eyes really were despite how dark they were. With just one look, he could telling you a million things. Right now, he wasn't looking at me yet I still knew that he was troubled inside.

Over the course of only three months, our relationship seemed to have changed so drastically. I knew I still continued to have feelings for him the way he had feelings for me, but even then, I couldn't help but notice the difference between us now and before. It took me a while to realise what it was, but after I did, it began to make sense.

Daniel and I had actually become friends. Close friends really. When we both made the active decision to still maintain a positive relationship with each other while leaving our romantic feelings on the back burner, it allowed for the both of us to become more comfortable and trustworthy than we had ever been before. Now we both treated each other the same way I treated Anna and he treated Pablo; like our best friends and it made it so much easier to talk to him, to laugh with him. To just be with him. The spaces that we used to have when we weren't doing romantic things when we were together were now filled with positive experiences.

Sometimes we'd both go out and get coffee or grab lunch together while Teo was at daycare and he'd vent about his frustrations at work to me and I'd bad mouth one of my difficult clients to him and then we'd share with each other our wish to just disappear entirely from humanity. When we actually talked, it was obvious that we had so much in common and it didn't make sense how we had communication issues before this. Even if Daniel and I ended up not working out in the end, gaining our friendship was something so valuable, I would never want to give up. He was such an interesting person to me.

I knew we would work out though. This man was one hundred percent the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

“What's on your mind?” he asked, now on his side to face me as his brown eyes peered deeply into my own. He didn't know how happy he made me.

“It's been three months.”

“And it's felt like an eternity,” he said, making me roll my eyes at how cheesy he could be sometimes. “Do you want to try again with me now?” he asked, not beating in anyway around the bush, “or do you still want to continue with our break?”

“What do you want?” I asked him, wanting to hear his thoughts before I shared mine.

“I want whatever makes you happy and keeps you safest,” he answered, making me purse my lips and roll onto my back to stare at the ceiling. For some reason, staring at blank spaces really did help gather my thoughts together.

“I'm not completely better. I know that,” I began, shrugging my shoulders because it was an objective fact and nothing to have me feeling any type of way about, “but there's nothing that I do or would want to do now without you that I wouldn't be able to do with you,” I confessed, looking at him to guage his reaction but he seemed to have none. He was just calm. “You're not the reason why I did what I did. I had - I have still a lot of deep rooted issues. You only made me realise but you didn't cause any of them. Nothing you did ever was harmful enough to make me...” I trailed off, not knowing how to say something I had so blunty said earlier.

“I-I just don't want to hurt you or anyone anymore,” he struggled to say but after he had said it, it seemed like the weight of the things he carried on his shoulders decreased by just a little. “I have issues... and I'm working on them, but I just... I don't know what I'd do if you hurt yourself again because of something I might do to you.”

“Daniel,” I sighed, placing my hand on his cheek. “I love you but the way I love Mateo, nothing you could do to me would ever make me want to leave him the way I attempted to. It was a whole host of other things that caused me to do that. Not you and especially not the you that came about after we reconciled.” I tried to reassure him, but it seemed like he still doubted himself so much. “If you feel you're not ready yet, that's okay,” I said softly, showing I wasn't upset with him either way. “I can wait.”

Despite my words, another worry seemed to fleet across his his gaze making me realise the question that he was probably asking himself in this very moment. How long was I willing to wait for him?

“In a month or so,” he said after a couple moments of silence,  “I'm going somewhere, but after that, I'm all yours. I promise.”

I furrowed my eyebrows at his words, bringing my hand back to my side. “Where will you be going?” I asked, but he only shrugged.

“I'm not sure yet.”

“You're going on a business trip but you don't know where you're going?”

“I'm not going on a business trip,” he said, only heightening my confusion. “I'm going to find something that I lost a long time ago.”

“What did you lose?”

“I can't say,” he said, making me roll my eyes at his words in amusement. I almost forgot it was Daniel I was talking to but he immediately defended his reasoning. “I'm scared I might tell you what it is and return with nothing to show for it,” he confessed which seemed reasonable enough. “When I come back though, I'll tell you and then I'll marry you.”

“Shut up,” I said laughing as I turned away from him onto my other side.

He only wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled my body into his as he buried his head in the crook of my neck. “I'm not playing. You'll be a married woman by the end of this year, Lee. I'm giving you my word.”

I bit my bottom lip, convincing myself that he was still joking despite the little flame of hope that had become alight in my stomach. As he placed his hand over my abdomen, I couldn't help but wish he gave me more than just his last name.

“Alright, whatever,” I said, brushing away the marriage talk and clearing my mind of the thoughts of having another child with him. “Just don't pull away from me, okay? Talk to me.” I turned around to look at him and smiled at him again, hoping he'd see all the love I had for him in my eyes. “If for no other reason, do it for my sake. Because when you just do things and leave without an explanation, I overthink and worry.”

“I know,” he said, pressing back wisps of my baby hairs that had peaked out underneath my satin scarf. “I will.”

*****

Yall mkay... how do I even go about this?

How am I supposed to fix all my problems and live a good life when I don't even know what all my problems are??? Like I want change, but I don't know wtf to change and that shits confusing. I want to be completely comfortable in myself but like idek how anymore. This shit is difficult.

Also, how do ysll take care of your hair when they're in braids? And how long do you keep braids in for?

Oh and last thing, I just started my exams last week so that was why I missed like two updates lol please wish me luck because some of these papers have been ingesting crack.

Anyways, see yall soon