THE VULNERABILITY

Say love is a beautiful thing.
Girl, you dey calm my temper.
Love is a beautiful tender feeling.
You dey give me ginger.

***

CHAPTER XXXI

*****

THE CAR RIDE to my old apartment was silent as per usual. I didn't mind it this time because I was too caught up in the memories of me driving down the same road we were on after all the good days and the bad. It was hard for me to realise that after two years, this was probably going to be the last time I was going to be driving down the road again. After so much time I spent convincing myself that NYC was going to be my home forever, it didn't even take a week in San Francisco for me to go back on that and decide that I was going to move back.

Two years in a foreign place was nothing compared to a month back in my home city.

Daniel pulled up in front of my apartment complex, the same place he had parked when he forcefully brought me back to California with him a month prior. I couldn't help but wonder if he remembered that. Maybe he had parked here purposely.

There was no point in asking. I learnt with Daniel that he didn't like being asked questions. Especially ones he deemed stupid and I didn't have the mental stamina to start unravelling his unnecessary sarcasm. It was either that or a dead blank stare, both of which I didn't want. I could live the rest of my life without knowing whether he parked there purposely or not. That wasn't the big issue at hand.

The big issue was the talk that we needed to have sooner or later. It had been due for a while but we always had one excuse or the other; focused on a different thing at the same time but now, when we were faced with nothing else but our problems and ourselves we were going to have to act like the mature adults that we weren't and talk through them. And I was shitting myself.

Ultimately, I was in the wrong. We both knew that, but just because Daniel acknowledged my existence now didn't mean he still wasn't pissed at me. The last thing I needed was for him to reject me again. I knew I didn't have any right to put a time limit on his emotions, but I wouldn't know what to do after another rejection. I'd feel so hopeless, I'd just give up.

The lift ride up to the eleventh floor was also quiet as was expected, but instead of a comfortable silence like the last one, it was tense. Clearly we both had something to get off our chests and with the way my heart was beating harder, I knew it was going to be more than just words.

The door pinged open on our floor and we both stepped out. Daniel allowed for me to lead the way as he was much less familiar with the place as I was. I walked confidently down the hall until I reached the door. I lifted up the faux pot plant just slightly before sliding the single key out from under it and unlocking the door.

Daniel stepped in after me, but walked ahead as I stopped to close and lock the door behind us. As I turned around, I couldn't help the way my heart beat slower at the sight in front of me.

Everything was... spotless. As if I hadn't been attacked in my own home and as if multiple lives hadn't been taken here. There wasn't even a trace of blood on the floor. All my carpet, tiles and wood flooring had been restored back to its original glory. In fact they seemed even better than I remembered seeing them. All of my faux plants, my centre tables and sofas were returned exactly to where they had been and I couldn't help the gratitude I felt. Not only towards Daniel, but also towards the people he had hired and the great amount of care and dedication they put into this work.

Even though I wasn't planning on staying, it still made me feel good inside.

I walked into the sitting room where I saw Daniel standing, ready to start thanking him for restoring my home when he had spoken up almost immediately I stepped over the threshold.

“Who drew this?”

I furrowed my eyebrows at his question, not knowing what he was talking about. There was only one person in this room that could draw and that was me.

I went to stand beside him in front of the mantelpiece to see what he was talking about only to set eyes on a mediun-sized black and white drawing of my mself. I couldn't help but smile at the memory of the day I received it.

It was only a couple days after I had Mateo and I was feeling like shit in my own skin, so Derek drew me as quick as he could and as he handed me the page, he had said, “This is the angel we always see when we look at you. Even when you think otherwise.” And even with my bad memory - it was already beginning to go hazy - I knew I couldn't ever forget those words.

Perspective was everything.

“Oh, that was Derek,” I said, nonchalantly but with the way he didn't respond and only looked at the portrait in silence, I knew his thoughts were probably going a mile a minute. And he was probably thinking of all the wrong things.

“He drew you,” he muttered under his breath as if noting it for himself. As if marking off another thing on his list that he hadn't done for me. I felt my heart break for him.

“Daniel,” I said quietly, delicately placing my hand on his bicep. He didn't respond but instead looked to where we were touching before looking up to meet my eyes. Heat crawled up my neck as I scoured my brain for something to say before foolishly settling on, “can I hug you?”

For somebody who was irrationally afraid of rejection, I seemed to be taking a lot of risks.

Daniel remained quiet, his eyes searching mine for something yet I had no idea what it was. If I knew, maybe I would've helped him search. Maybe we would've found what he was looking for together.

After a couple seconds, he finally gave me an answer. A shrug which I took as meaning whatever I wanted and I wanted to hug him, so I did. Gingerly, I wrapped my arms around his neck, brought my body flush against his and buried my face in the crook of his neck.

He didn't hug me back. It was Daniel we were talking about so it really came as no surprise. It only made me pull myself closer into him, basking in the warmth that radiated from his body. It would've felt better if he hugged me back, but in all honesty I was just happy that he was letting me touch him again.

I distinctly remembered near the beginning of our relationship when I was too afraid to put my hands on him. I remembered how that fear eased as he gradually let himself get comfortable around me and I realised then that I couldn't allow us to go back to square one. I wouldn't be able to handle it.

I couldn't lose him. Not again.

“I'm so sorry,” I said as I raked my hands through his hair as if I was the one comforting him when in reality, I was the only one in that room on the verge of tears.

He stiffened at the feel of me holding him tighter and burying my head in the crook of his neck, yet made no move to pull away.

“I am so sorry for hurting you.” My voice wobbled as I said it, but it was only because I meant it. Sometimes I really just felt too much, but now wasn't one of those times. Hurting the ones I loved felt like sending a sword right through my own heart and it felt like hell. I couldn't grasp the concept of being the reason why the people I cared about were upset. I had been the one to do it yet I myself didn't understand why. “I don't know what I can do or say to make it better, but I just want you to know that I am so so sorry and that it kills me inside knowing that I hurt you.”

My heart beat erratically in my chest at the feeling of his hands coming to rest on either side of my waist. He stayed like that for a couple seconds, not making any further move as if he was unsure before slowly beginning to wrap his arms tighter around me. His one arm snaked tightly around my waist and his other hand came up and cradled the back of my head, pressing me closer into him as he let out a deep, relieved breath.

That seemed to be the thing that broke me as in that second, tear after tear began trailing down my cheek. God, I was such a wimp. I hadn't even been the one that was spoken to like that and I was losing my shit. I could only imagine how he felt.

“I should've been more gentle with you,” I said, trying to hide the fact that I was crying so he wouldn't be alarmed. “I shouldn't have said all of that bullshit. I'm so sorry.”

The room was silent around us where I desperately tried to compose myself and Daniel only stood there, hugging me. For the first time in a really long while. He traced small circles into my side, his other hand buried deep in my curls that I had lazily wrapped into a loose bun.

“Did you mean it?” he asked after a moment of silence, making me shake my head as best I could when he was holding me so tight to him. Even when I tried to move a bit, he would only tighten his hold on me and press me even more into his chest. Almost as if he was scared to lose me.

“No,” I answered, my heart hurting in my chest because I hadn't even clocked the fact that he might've actually believed, but then why wouldn't he? When I took all the things that made him him and twisted it so it worked against him, why wouldn't he believe the things I said? “I meant none of it. I swear.”

“Then why?”

“I don't know why,” I sighed as I absentmindedly ran my fingers through his curls. “I have no idea why. Except for the fact that I'm an idiot and I'm a wimp. I didn't mean anything.”

Slowly, he pulled away only enough so he could look me in the eyes. Both his arms were still tightly wound around my waist and something told me that it was going to stay like that for a while.

“So, you're not scared of me?”

“No,” I answered honestly as I shook my head. “There has never been a time where I was scared that you'd hurt me since our relationship started. If there was, you'd know.”

He squinted his eyes at me as if disbelieving of my answer. “You thought I would kill you.”

“I thought you would leave me,” I corrected, because the more I thought about it, the more I realised it was true. I was more afraid that Lucien would kill me if he found out, but I knew Daniel wouldn't. What my fear actually was, was that he would hate me and never forgive me. I didn't think I'd know how to handle that, yet I seemed to have given him a reason when I was trying everything possible not to. “I couldn't live with the fact that I had betrayed you and almost got you killed and I thought you wouldn't want to be with me if you found out. That was the main, — the only reason — I kept that secret for so long. Not actually because I genuinely believed you would kill me. It's because I didn't want to risk losing you.”

Daniel said nothing after that, he's eyes holding a faraway look in them despite being trained solely on me. It only added to my anxiety, but then he raised his hand to my face, and with the gentlest touch I had ever experienced from him, he used his thumb to wipe my tears away.

He held my face in his hands even after all of my tears had been completely wiped away and stared silently into my eyes before breaking the silence that surrounded us.

“You make me so angry sometimes,” he said, his voice only sounding deeper and soothing my ears like honey as an appreciative chill ran down my spin despite what he was saying. “It's dangerous how much you make me feel, but I can't even stay mad at you for long. You're just so fucking perfect.” I tried to look away, unable to handle his intensity but he forced my head back up, not allowing me a choice. “Look at me,” he hissed, holding my face tighter. “Look at me and tell me what you're doing to me because I have no fucking clue.”

He held my face in his hands for a few more minutes, not saying anything else yet staring into my eyes intensely. He stared at me as if there was something he really wanted to say, but couldn't bring himself to say it. He stared at me as if he was yearning for me to understand.

And in that moment, I did. When he left himself open to me like this, trusted me with his inner workings of his heart and allowed himself to be vulnerable, I understood him completely. Daniel wasn't difficult to read. He wasn't written in a different language or an incomprehensible font. He was Daniel, like a diary hidden behind a lock. And the key to open it was trust.

I had his trust, so I had the key and so I read him. And I saw all the things he was holding back. All the pain, the conflict, the hurt. I knew this was only the tip of the iceberg and I hoped one day he would trust himself enough to completely give in to me, but for now I loved all the parts of him he allowed me to love.

His eyes shown with something. A certain emotion and while I was no mindreader, I knew when someone was staring at me in adoration and the utmost love and I knew then, that was what he was doing. In response to that, my heart swelled and I hoped his had too at the sight of the smile that stretched across my lips.

“I know,” I whispered, caressing his face softly as I let myself fall into him. “I already know.”

He wrapped his arms around my waist and squeezed me in a way he had never held me before; in a way that made me feel like my bones were about to snap in half, but also in a way that made me feel loved and cared for and appreciated and protected. Whenever I was with him, I knew I was.

At the end of the day, it wasn't just about sex. It was never just about the money, or the drugs or the cars. It seemed like it was. At the beginning, it did seem like it was, but it wasn't. There was no reason for the both of us to keep running back to each other if it was, because we could find those things in other people. But the unspoken understanding, the care through our actions and not our words, the devotion, we could only really find that in us. It's what made the both of us. Daniel and Araceli. There wouldn't be one without the other.

“You trust me?” he asked, his voice quiet as he stared intently into my eyes. He didn't look scared, but his eyes shone with worry and I couldn't help the want I had to put his heart at ease.

“With my life,” I answered honestly before pressing my lips against his.

I ran my fingers through his curls, loving the way he shivered at my touch as he deepened the kiss. He slipped his tongue into my mouth, tasting every inch of me as is hands kneaded my ass in his sweatpants. I couldn't help but love how touchy he was with me. Clearly, I wasn't the only one that felt the effects of not kissing him for a few days.

He broke the kiss after a couple minutes only to place open-mouthed kisses along my neck, leaving me moaning against him at his touch. His hand at some point had came around to my front and rested on my stomach under my shirt until he slid downwards, into my pants and started rubbing me through my underwear.

“Fuck,” I moaned, already getting wet at just the feeling of his hands on my body. Having him touch me the way he was, with the way he knew my body and what it liked and how it reacted only meant he knew exactly what to do to get me off and this time he wasn't holding back to do it. “Daniel.”

“I want to taste you so bad,” he muttered against my skin as he pushed my soaked panties to the side and slipped two fingers into me, making him cry out in pleasure as I pressed my face into his chest. He hissed at the feeling of my walls clenching around his fingers, almost as if it was the erection he was sporting that was in me instead. I wished it was. “But we're late as it is, so this will do. By the time I'll be done with you tonight though, you'll wish you never met me.”

My head snapped up, my eyes wide and my breathing erratic as I stared at him in shock. “Whatdoy—how... fuck,” I struggled to speak, making him chuckle as he increased his pace and started massaging that special sensitive spot within me as well as my clit with his thumb.

I swear, I saw stars as I tilted my gaze up to the ceiling and let my eyes roll to the back of my head.

“That's it, beautiful,” Daniel's voice said, grounding me as I rode out the uncontrollable waves of my orgasm. “Cum all over my fingers just like that.” He pressed a small kiss to my sweaty forehead once I had finally calmed down and pulled his finger from within me. “Open your mouth.”

He didn't have to explain for me to know what to do. I opened my mouth wide and wrapped my lips around his two digits, running my tongue over them to lap up my essence and clean it from his fingers.

His eyes darkened at my actions and his other hand on my waist dug deeply into my flesh, filling my senses with the pain I seemed to crave so much.

“What a good girl,” he commented, making my heart swelled with pride even as he used his fingers in my mouth to pull me closer. “Who knew you could have such a bad mouth?” He took his fingers out and taking me completely by surprise, he flicked my bottom lip making me flinch away. Before I could get far, he wrapped his hand around my neck and forcibly pulled me back to him. “And where do you think you're going, sweetheart?”

Looking into his darkened eyes with his hand tight, almost constricting around my neck, it was only then I had fully realised what it was exactly I had gotten myself into. It slowly started to dawn on me what he was talking about when he said "tonight" and to sum it up, the little flick I had received was nothing compared to what he had waiting for me tonight. Of course Daniel wasn't going to miss a chance to punish me and take out his cruel ideas on me. And I didn't have the shame to deny that I was looking forward to every tortuous plan he had in store.

“Oh, she gets it now,” he chuckled, being able to read the way I worked too easily. “We'll see how much you'll be able to take before I break you.”

Was that supposed to be a threat?

He leaned down and kissed me deeply, tasting me on my own lips before pulling away and humming in satisfaction. “Sweet as per usual.” I smiled at his words and placed another kiss on his lips to which he returned. “Now go get your things and put on a nice dress or something. To make it up to me.”

“Aren't you already punishing me for that though?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him, but he only shrugged shamelessly.

“You're dumb if you think I'm not going to milk this,” he said, bringing a smile to my lips at his words. It was nice being able to joke with him now about this. Before I could say anything else, he turned me around and nudged me forward. “Now go.”

He rubbed my ass one last time before nudging me again in the direction of my room. I would have complained if it wasn't for the fact that the faster I moved, the quicker we got to see the absolute love of my life, Teo and Lord knows I missed him.

I used him as an incentive to pack faster.

***

I had originally only came to collect my important documents, some of me and Teo's clothes and anything personal belonging to me that the landlord might've just thrown away, but the more I rooted through all of my things, the more things I found that I wanted to keep. Mostly they were sentimental items. Like some of Mateo's old clothes from when he was only a premature new-born. Now, almost two years later, he could barely fit into them.

“He had been so small when he was born,” I explained to Daniel as he drove silently, listening to each word that came out of my mouth.

After finally deciding what to take with me and what to leave behind, I went through all of my pantries and my fridge for all the items that hadn't gone off while I was away, gathered them all in large tupaware containers and gave it to my elderly neighbour who lived a couple doors down. I usually helped her with the groceries whenever the lift was out of order and she was always so appreciative. I hoped she'd find somebody to help her out now that I was gone

Now Daniel and I were cruising down an empty road lined with trees, miles away from my old home but I was as carefree as can be.

“I think that's what made it so easy,” I continued, leaning against the window as I thought back to the scary, yet magical moment where I had brought our son into the world. I still remembered how it felt to hold him in my arms for the first time. “It was scary, labouring and pushing alone, but I appreciated the quiet environment and the way everything went at my pace. And then on top of that, very soon I wasn't going to be alone anymore. So it wasn't a bad thing that he had come so unexpectedly. It was a blessing that he came and in those conditions, he stayed. He's an angel.”

“He is,” Daniel hummed in agreement, making me look over to him and watch the way he stared out onto the road as if he wasn't really seeing it. How could he drive well and be lost in thought? I'd have crashed by now, but that would be expected of me no matter what state I was in.

The two of us descended into a comfortable silence where both our heads ran a mile a minute with all the things we wanted to say, yet couldn't bring ourselves to. I had so many questions for him. So many basic conversations that I wanted to have with him, but I didn't want to run the risk of boring him.

“Am I your girlfriend?” I found myself blurting out in a small voice, making him glance at me but I didn't meet his gaze. I kept my eyes focused on my thighs, awaiting his answer in the silence before sighing when none came. “Because I would like to be.” I looked up to meet his eyes, but by now he was focused back on the road. “You say I'm yours, but your what? There are a million and one things I could possibly be to you and I want to know what it is I am because being your woman and being your girlfriend can mean two completely different things altogether.”

“We're having this conversation now?” he asked, disappointing me with his response but I didn't let it back me down from the topic at hand.

“I just feel like it isn't that difficult of a question to answer,” I said with a frown on my face. “I'm not an instigator, Daniel. I'm not doing this to try and start fight with you. I just want some clarity.” He still said nothing, so I leaned back in my seat and let my eyes close for a second.

Now I knew why I never stood up for myself when I was younger. It was uncomfortable and I'd have to face some harsh truths if I did. Not asking him these questions allowed me to live in my delusion for as long as I wanted, but now it was slowly falling apart.

“I'm only asking because I know what I want and I don't want to waste your time. But I also don't want you to waste mine.”

“What do you want?”

“A serious relationship,” I answered instantly, showing him that I did indeed know exactly what I wanted. “Not a fling. Or a temporary romance. They bore and I'm not interested in them anymore. I'm looking for the person that I'm going to be spending the rest of my life with and I thought maybe it could've been you, but if you can't even call me your girlfriend then...” I trailed off, not wanting to say what I knew needed to be said.

“Then what, Araceli?” Daniel prompted me to continue, making me let out a deep breath.

“Then it'd be pointless to continue our relationship beyond this point,” I said, shrugging my shoulders as if I wasn't about to start crying. I was just tired of letting myself be used for other people's desires with my wants and needs being thrown to the backburner. Maybe I was knocking at the wrong person's door, but all I really wanted was unconditional love. “We clearly have completely different views about it anyway.”

Daniel took my hand in his and placed a small kiss on the back of it which I had let myself believe was a goodbye kiss before he spoke.

“The fact you think I'll let you end this despite the fact that I made you cum all over my fingers not up to an hour ago humours me, sweetheart.” I couldn't help the heat that crawled up my face at his words and in a bid of uncharacteristic shame, I attempted to pull my hand out of his own but he only clasped it tighter.

“Daniel—”

“Shut up,” he said, cutting my argument off before I could even form it in my head. “We don't have completely different views. I don't know who lied to you like that.”

“But y—”

“I said shut up,” he hissed, making me stare at him with wide eyes and clench my thighs together. “I don't let people enter my life easily, but I also don't let them go easily. Now that you're with me, you're staying with me until my dying days, do you understand?”

I nodded my head, unable to find words for him even though a simple "yes" would've done the job. He narrowed his eyes at my inability to be vocal, but decided not to give me shit about it this time.

Instead, he relaxed further into his chair, one hand on the steering wheel, the other hand locked tightly with my own by his side. “Woman, girlfriend, fiancée, wife. It's all the same thing to me. You either are that already or you will be the in the future, I don't care what you want to be called. All I know is that you're mine, I'm yours and we're exclusive. I'm never going to be anything less than serious about you. Okay?”

“Okay,” I answered verbally this time, making him nod his head in satisfaction.

Affectionately, he brought my hand to his lips again and placed a kiss on my palm before bringing it back to his side. “I'm only reluctant to call you my girlfriend because I'm looking at my wife right now.”

He came a stop in front of a large pair of steel gates but instead of turning on the call panel at the side to try and get access to the property, he turned to me instead.

“Does that answer your question now, amor?” he asked, making me nod my head with a tentative smile on my face. I mean, it wasn't everyday someone called you their wife and meant it. My stomach was filled with butterflies and shit because of him.

“I still think either yes or no could've done the job,” I answered, making him roll his eyes at me, “but I appreciate the reassurance.” I slumped back in my seat, the weights on my shoulder slowly coming off as I tackled each of my problems bit by bit. I made a mental checklist of all the other things I needed to do. “Just reassure me sometimes, okay?”

He opened his mouth to say something but that was when the call panel at the side of the wall had crackled to life and Pablo's familiar voice rang loud and clear into the evening air.

“Who the fuck are you two hooligan, teenage children parked outside my gate like you have no home training?” he asked, making me narrow my eyes at the small driveway device as if it was him.

“He best not be cursing like that around Mateo,” I muttered, making Daniel snort before facing the panel again.

“Open the gate, Pablo.”

“Just because a random stranger knows my name does not mean I'm letting them into my house. I'm going to need your first and last names, your age, your date of birth and your—”

“Pablo, I swear to God if you do not open this gate and let me see my child, I will come there and I will beat the fuck out of you, do not test me, Pablo. I will climb this fucking gate, I will get a knife and I will chop your dick off.” I continued cursing him out in Spanish, not listening to anything he had to say and only stopped once the gate had slowly began to roll open.

“Jesus Christ.”

“Sometimes all you have to do is give him a flashback to his mother and he'll listen to you without complaint,” I said, making Daniel chuckle as he drove into the gated compound and parked the car in front of a large, two storey modern house.

“I don't really care about him,” he said as he shut off the car and took off his seat belt. “I'm more so worried for Mateo.”

“He's not old enough for that yet, don't worry,” I said, giving him a nonchalant wave before getting out of the car and making my way over to the front door like I owned the place. I just couldn't wait any longer to see Teo after four whole days away from him.

*****

I've got a lot to say in this authors note, so buckle up. Or don't, I don't really care.

I'm going to start with Pablo, okay? Pablo is like one of the best characters you'll see in this book, understand? I didn't really focus on him much in the first book, but from here on out, he's actually going to play such a huge part and I can't wait for yall to start loving him because honestly, the appreciation for him is not where it should be.

Now finally, why I've been gone for so long. I just want to say that I'm not some sort of sadist or attention whore or something. When I don't update, it's not because I want to make yall suffer. I genuinely do not have an update and you guys pestering me about it is not going to make me update any sooner.

I don't mind yall asking me about it if you notice that I haven't updated on the normal day or if I haven't done so in a week. Hell, you could probably ask for a bonus chapter and if I had it, I'd post it instantly. Ask me stuff. I really don't mind because I understand that I don't communicate with yall as much as I should and that's a problem I know I should fix, but like I said, nothing is going to make me update any faster if I can't.

I write as much as I can in a week, but I have priorities and commitments to keep before that as well. The reason I didn't update for so long was because I just started my exams last week, and usually they don't matter but if we go into another lockdown after Christmas break (which seems very likely) and school gets closed again, my whole college life could ride on how I do in these exams because where I live, college places are SOLELY BASED on how you do in exams COMPARED to everyone else.

It's literally a competition.

I was slowly burning out with anxiety and stress, but it took me having a panic attack in the middle of class and being taken out of it on Friday afternoon for me to realise that.

In that time off, I didn't do school work. I didn't write. I didn't do anything except focus on myself and this is the best I've felt since the year began.

I don't really expect any of you guys to care, but I just wanted to explain that I don't take a random trip to the Bahamas whenever I go MIA and completely forget about yall. I'm gone because I need to be gone.

So to wrap that up, I want to apologise. Not for randomly disappearing, or for putting my wellbeing before anything else. I want to apologise for not communicating with you guys better.

I'm going to work on being better, but I'm also asking yall to be patient with me because I'm human too.

ANYWAYS, away from all of that sentimental bullshit, if you guys are wondering why I asked "yes or no", it was because I was wondering if I was going to put some mature content in this chapter or not.

Of course, "yes" was a vote for mature content and everyone said yes but... I wasn't going to listen until I woke up in the middle of the night, deleted everything I previously had and wrote this instead.

I'd say you should prepare yourself for the next chapter though but that's the only warning I'm giving 😉