THE DELUDED

Baby take a look around,
I'm the only one that hasn't walked out,
I'm right here

***

CHAPTER XXXVIII

*****

THE NEXT DAY, Daniel had to return back to the office to meet with one of his partners that apparently couldn't make it the day previous. He said he wasn't going to be gone long so he didn't need Pablo to go with him. That left me, Pablo and Mateo alone in the house surrounded completely by guards I didn't know.

We all were outside. Pablo and Mateo had been kicking a ball around the yard and I had been watching them. More specifically, I had been watching Mateo.

He seemed to have grown up in the blink of an eye and soon he'd be turning two. I couldn't help the smile that came across my face as I watched him, taking note of how much more independent he was becoming and how his speech and his coordination was developing. It seemed like he picked up a new skill every day. It made me realise that I needed to start doing more adult stuff with him, like letting him help me in the kitchen and letting him choose his own clothes. It also made me realise that I needed to potty train him as well which distressed me greatly.

I let out a groan at that thought and sunk into the chair, alerting Pablo of my distress and having him jog lightly towards me.

“What's wrong with you?” he asked, a humoured smile coming across his face once he realised that I wasn't in any imminent danger.

“Parenting problems. You won't understand,” I said, dismissing him with the wave of my hand.

He rolled his eyes and sat next to me on the swinging chair, yet didn't make a move to cover himself with the blanket I had draped over me, making me reach out and cover him myself.

“Thank you.”

“Whatever,” I said in response, shattering the sweet moment we had shared for only a brief second.

If he cared, he didn't say anything and instead joined me to watch Teo as he kicked the ball around the yard himself.

“You could enrol him in a soccer team when he's older,” Pablo suggested after a silent moment of us watching the poor boy had passed.

“I'll enrol him in ballet classes just to spite you,” I said sarcastically, making Pablo let out a humoured huff at my sour mood.

“Just watch him over the coming years,” he said seriously, yet the humour in his voice was still evident. “I think he's taken a liking to it. I might bring him to a game one day.”

“When he's three,” I told him, not wanting Teo to be in a place that could get so rowdy at such a young age. Plus, it would hardly stick with him if he was too young.

“Yeah?” I nodded, making him nod with me. “Okay.”

I liked how respectful he was when it came to my wishes with Teo. I liked how he never tried to undermine me or go around my back to do something I had said I didn't want. Both he and Daniel were so respectful to me and I appreciated that.

“Pablo?” he hummed in acknowledgement, allowing me to say whatever it was that I wanted to say. “If you were in my place, what would be a good age to have a second child?”

“Never,” he answered, leaning back as if he did something as I narrowed my eyes at his nonchalant expression.

“Okay, but if you wanted a second child, how old would your first child be?”

“Zero years old because I wouldn't have—”

“Pablo!”

“Okay, Jesus!” he exclaimed, holding his arms up in surrender. “I'd guess I'd have the second one when the first one is still really young. Maybe at two or three.”

“Why?”

“There are loads of reasons. Like one, they would get to play together 'cause the oldest one isn't too old. Two, you could almost just teach them the same lessons without having to repeat any. Three, I won't get too used to peaceful nights before the second baby comes,” he listed off, making me look down at my hands in contemplation because he was absolutely right.

I wanted a second child but even more than that, I wanted Mateo to be able to relate to his younger sibling. I didn't want him to be too much older to the point where they couldn't get each other or he couldn't play with his sibling.

I needed to get pregnant again soon.

“Don't do it,” Pablo said, his voice coming out firm yet humoured.

“Don't do whst?”

“Whatever you're thinking about now,” he said as if he knew what I was thinking about. “Don't do it. Talk to Daniel first. Think long and hard about it. Whether Teo is old or young, he's going to love his sibling just the same. You can tell.”

“I just don't want him to be lonely,” I sighed, dejected.

“When has the child ever complained to you that he's lonely?” Pablo asked, his voice coming out confused and almost irritated. “To him, you're his best friend and his mom. The only time he's lonely is when you're not around. The boy is content.”

“You think?”

“I know. And even if he wasn't, wouldn't you just put him in a playschool?” he suggested, making my eyes light up because I hadn't ever thought of that. “He's old enough and there are a few good ones near where we live. He doesn't even have to be fully enrolled. Just send him off a couple days a week and there, he has friends his age.”

“You know, despite all of your bad ideas and stupidity, you can be smart sometimes,” I said, making him punch my shoulder as hard as he could. “Ow, Pablo, what the fuck?”

He only shrugged, letting a heavy silence fall onto us instead of saying anything, allowing me to be subjected to my thoughts again. This time, my brain had steered far from our previous topic to one I dreaded with my entire heart.

It was like every once in a while, my brain liked to replay what had happened when I was kidnapped so I could remember it when I felt happy and the guilt would start eating at me again. I had worked on it so it only occurred sparingly, but that unfortunately meant that whenever it happened, it was bad.

I could feel my fists clenching, my breath becoming heavier in my chest as I tried to calm myself down without Pablo noticing but it was too late.

“Are you okay?” he asked, placing his hand over my trembling fist but I snatched my hand away and turned to him to show him the smile I was struggling to keep on my face.

“I'm fine,” I said, my voice coming out surprisingly steadier than I thought. “Can I tell you something?” I asked, trying to divert his focus away from his worry.

It took a long minute of him watching my face quietly before he finally deciding that I was fine and nodded his head. “Sure.”

I scrambled my brain for something to say to him that sounded natural and not forced, but all the thoughts in my head was replaced with thoughts of that horrifying night. I couldn't even remember what I would normally say to him. I knew it would be something stupid, but I couldn't think of anything stupid worth saying. I could only think of one thing. So I decided it was time I told him.

“They didn't touch me.”

Pablo looked at me confused, but my gaze was cast somewhere else, watching the clouds float through the sky but not really seeing them. These clouds oddly enough looked like the ones that had been in the sky when they finally rescued us. Or maybe I was just imagining that.

Pablo looked over in the direction I was looking at in confusion before he focused back on me, the worry on his face hard to miss. “What are you talking about?”

“They didn't do anything to me,” I repeated as if that explained anything. “Nothing too bad. They beat me a little, not much because I was pregnant and they knew that. But they never touched me,” I shivered in fear and disgust as I thought about my next words. “They only made me watch.”

The confusion on Pablo's face slowly faded once he finally realised what I was talking about. He barely moved; barely breathed because he thought that this was something that I didn't mean to tell him. He thought that I couldn't control it or I was having some sort of attack and spilling the beans, so he wanted to hear everything before I snapped back to reality.

That was bullshit. I knew exactly what I was doing and if I didn't want to tell him, I wouldn't. But deep down in my heart, the guilt was eating me up and I knew if there was someone who was never going to judge me, it was Pablo. Everyone else could, but he wouldn't.

“What did they make you watch?” he asked quietly, making me snap my eyes so they met his, startling him.

“They made me watch them kill. Watch them beat... watch them rape,” I let out a shaky breath at the last one, my head filling with horrifying memories of blood everywhere. “They said they couldn't do it to me so they had to do it to other girls... smaller girls... younger girls. And I couldn't do anything because if I did, they would shoot. Not me, but the girl. So I had to sit there and wonder and ask myself if I should put her out of her misery. If death was better than this while they raped an eight year old in front of me.”

“Christ,” Pablo said despite him not believing in religion, showing just how disgusted he was with the situation. He looked away from me, unable to meet my gaze which only made the shame I felt so much more real.

“I think the youngest was six. A black girl with the prettiest brown eyes. She screamed for her mother to come save her, but she didn't. I didn't do anything. I only watched them destroy her body until she was left lifeless in front of me.” Hot tears of anger and sadness began to trail down my cheeks as I squeezed my eyes shut, wanting to rid myself of the memories but it only became clearer so I opened them again. “And they still continued even after she took her last breath.”

Pablo didn't say anything, but then again there was nothing else to be said. The disgust and rage in his eyes told me enough about how he felt inside.

“They said it was my fault,” I cried before slapping my hand over my mouth so Teo wouldn't hear and become distressed. Pablo took my arm and pulled me into the kitchen where we could still watch him, but he wouldn't be able to hear or see my crying. I let out a loud sob and collapsed onto the floor, pulling my feet and my arms in the same position I had been in when they had me. “They said because I was off limits, they needed to find the closest fit. They said she looked exactly like me. She cried and begged them to stop and they didn't. She cried and begged me to help her but I didn't.”

“Araceli, calm down,” he tried to calm me, but it didn't work. He sounded so enraged that his voice was hardly calming; hardly soothing.

He didn't use my nickname either. He said Araceli. He hated me. He hated me because of what I did. I was such a disgusting person.

“There was another girl,” I said suddenly, grabbing his arms and staring deeply into his eyes as he looked frightened into mine. I needed to tell him everything. “I think she was native. They beat her black and blue in front of me. Called her all kinds of horrific names and then started brutally violating her body. Like brutally. She was bleeding everywhere. They were cutting her and getting off to it and evetytime she cried, they hit her harder. I couldn't keep watching so I looked away.” My eyes filled with tears as I vividly remembered what happened next. “That was the one thing they told me not to do,” I said, my voice quiet as my stomach filled with the same horror I felt when it happened, as if I was living the experience again. “Never look away from me, Araceli. Or else we'll kill her. Keep your eyes on me. Don't fucking look away or she'll get it,” I said, copying exactly what they told me word for word. I wouldn't ever be able to forget.

In my head, the gunshot fired, feeling so real and so loud that I had jumped in real life the same way I jumped back then. I could feel the blood splatter against me and when I raised my hand, it was almost like I could see the blood on my skin. I was drenched in it. But then everything went back to normal and the blood had disappeared and I realised I was in the kitchen not in the cargo ship. It was a hallucination where I could no longer tell reality from my own nightmares.

“She got a bullet to the skull. And even then, they kept on going,” I cried, forcing the words out of my mouth as sob after sob made it difficult for me to speak.

Pablo wrapped his arms around me, the shock from before finally wearing off as he rocked me from side to side to help comfort me. His touch helped me focus on the reality I was living and helped me realise what was only a hallucination.

“You don't know what I've done to try and hide these memories,” I told him, but he still said nothing because what could he say? He didn't know and that was fhe truth.

How pathetic had it been that all I needed to be subjected to the memories I worked so hard to forget, was the mere mention of it? The mere remembrance that it existed, and the same panic and anger and sadness I had been feeling at the beginning came hitting me like a truck load of bricks.

How was I healing when I still felt so strongly about something I was supposed to be over by now? It had been two years yet I still felt unreasonably anxious about something that had happened time ago. I still felt riddled with guilt just at the thought of it and the nightmares still plagued my sleep.

As much as I tried to smile the pain away, I couldn't lie to myself. There was no one that knew me better than I did, so there's was no use in hiding the obvious cracks in my façade from myself. I was still extremely hurt from what happened to me. What happened to them.

Because in theory, nothing happened to me. I was just the spectator. The bystander. I was made to sit and watch traumatic moments in other people's lives. I had no right to feel the way I did. Nothing happened to me, yet I felt that if they got me again, something much worse than this would.

Until now, there hadn't been a single living soul yet that knew what exactly went on in the back of that van or in the cargo ship for the month I had been there. All I had let people know was that they didn't touch me, because they didn't. Not physically and when people asked why, I just shrugged. Pretended I didn't know. Purposely leaving out what they had done to me mentally because if anyone found out, they'd look at me like I was a monster. Because I was. The things I witnessed. The things I had to do just to survive...

And yet, I smiled about it. As if it was nothing. I wished it was nothing.

“I spent months trying to forget. Months of remaining silent when someone asked. Months of refusing to speak to anyone about it. Months of bringing a blade to my skin just to give me something else to focus on when the thoughts would barge its way into my brain.” I cradled my head in my hands, noting the way Pablo's body tensed against mine. “The pain helped me forget. And since I forgot, I didn't need to hurt myself anymore. There was no hallucination powerful enough to make me believe that I was back there again. So I didn't need to kill myself anymore.”

Pablo silently listened to my ramblings, but I needed to be clinically insane if I didn't notice the way his breath hitched in his throat and the way he held me tighter to him. Hell, I may have already been clinically insane.

“I was healed! That's what I thought anyway. That I had suppressed the hurt and trauma so much that it no longer existed.”

But I was now swallowing the bitter truth that it did. The memories of what happened replayed itself in my head again and again like a broken radio. But there was no blade nearby to help take the pain away. So instead, I sat there in his arms, trying to stay as calm as possible, trying to remain as normal as possible and pretend that I was okay.

“I want to die.”

“Shush, Ara,” he said, using my nickname again which confused me because I thought he hated me. “It's alright. You're safe now.”

“Please don't hate me,” I cried, but he only shook his head and continued to soothe me as best he could.

“I don't hate you,” he reassured, but I didn't believe him. I couldn't believe him. I deserved to be hated.

“I'm so sorry,” I cried. “I should've done more. I should've helped them. I don't deserve this I don't deserve any of this. I don't deserve to live.”

“Araceli!” he exclaimed, his voice harsh and firm but nothing he was trying to say was reaching me. I was lost in my own head, my thoughts and beliefs about myself firmly ingrained in my brain.

“The only one who left there untouched was me,” I rambled on. “The only one who left there alive was me. I don't deserve that... I should've died.”

The sound of the front door slamming closed had been the thing to break me out of my thoughts, making both Pablo and me realise that Daniel was home. Pablo tried to get up to go meet him, but I grabbed his arm and halted him.

“Please don't tell him,” I begged, my eyes meeting his. “I don't want him to hate me.”

He physically softened at my words as he watched me. “He won't hate you, Ara.”

“Please, just don't,” I said, making him sigh and huff.

“I won't tell him,” he finally gave in, making me give him a warm smile. The same way I trusted Pablo with my life was the same way he trusted me with his. He wouldn't go against me.

The sound of footsteps mads both Pablo ans I turn around to see Daniel walk into the kitchen, his eyes fixated on his watch until he looked up and froze at the sight of me.

“What happened?” he asked me briskly making his way towards me to inspect my face before glaring at Pablo. “What did you do to her?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Pablo responded, his voice bordering on irritability as Daniel raised an eyebrow at him. “If anyone here is more likely to hurt her, it's you.”

They seemed to both be wrong because in that moment, I was the thing that posed the biggest threat to myself. Instead of saying that, I grabbed Daniel's face and forced him to look at me, preventing a confrontation I knew was about to brew because that's what always happened when we were all in the same equation.

“I'm okay. He didn't hurt me,” I said, delicately stroking his cheek because I liked touching him in non-sexual ways. He was always warm and his skin was smooth and soft. “I just got anxious about the party we're going to, that's all,” I said, smiling as he pulled me in for a tight hug yet held me as delicately as he could. “I don't want them to hurt you.”

“They won't,” he said, not adding anything else yet the assuredness in his voice was enough to make me believe him. “I don't ever want you worrying yourself about me. All that matters to me is that you're okay.”

My heart physically hurt in my chest as I held onto him, but all that went through my brain was the fact that I didn't deserve him. He needed someone better. Not me.

“Wait for me here, okay?” he said after I had let out a shaky breath, making me pull away and look up to him with a small nod. He placed a kiss on my forehead before putting space between us much to my dismay. “I'll be right back.”

I let him go and instead watched him silently as ge slipped outside to where Mateo was playing. As soon as he had noticed Daniel, a wide smile had stretched across his lips and he began running towards him in excitement, his arms already outstretched for a hug.

I couldn't help but smile at the scene, but I wasn't able to enjoy it long as myers rested on Pablo. He stood closer to the door know, leaning on it ashe watched Daniel embrace his son before picking him up andbringing him towards the house. In Pablo's eyes seemed to be a look of longing which made Mr realise that he may have wanted kids after all.

Before I could bring it up however, alarm bells started going off in my head as I watched Pablo stop Daniel before he could reach me. He leaned to Daniel's ear and whispered something to Jim that I couldn't hear before slipping out the back door.

It was too short for Jim to reveal something crucial and by the look on Daniel's face, I knew it wasn't anything too worrying so I decided not to dwell on it. I trusted Pablo, but there was more beyond that as well. I was his sister and it was my trauma so he was loyal to me.

For now.

***

I often thought about death.

It would just come randomly. I didn't even need to be sad. I could be doing the most mundane thing like laundry or getting gas and then I would think about it just like that; what if I died?

It never scared me. I didn't fear it; not the concept of it or the fact that I would die one day. Somedays I would even wish for it to come quicker and put me out of my misery. Take the mystery out of it.

Laying in bed beside Daniel with Mateo asleep on my chest, I thought about death as I looked out the window to the stars shining so far away from me since we were too lazy to close the curtains. I didn't want to die, but I did in a way. Sometimes life didn't have to be painful for you to want out of it. Sometimes we just get too tired or get too bored of the same thing. Sometimes certain things just aren't where they're supposed to be.

Sometimes we see different things and we think it's better.

I saw the stars and I knew it was better. I wanted to twinkle with them; shine in the sky without a worry in the world.

I had a therapist for things like this; because apparently it wasn't normal to just want to die. David, the therapist, always told me that there were many things to live for. He always frowned whenever I told him that I thought they weren't worth living for.

Sometimes he'd bring up Teo and then I would go quiet and think. In all honesty, I didn't think I was a very good mother to Teo. I was too young, too foolish. I got a lot of things wrong and I knew he deserved better, but then I was selfish and if another person raised my son, I would still want to live to at least see him grow up.

There were two reasons why I was still alive to that date. The first one being that it was hard to find a painless way to die and I was an absolute wuss when it came to pain. The second reason was because Teo was worth living for. Life to me was worthless, but Teo made it better.

The third reason was the unknowing man beside me, gently rubbing small circles onto my stomach as we took in the silence together. Those were the three reasons I had to stay alive.

Pitiful.

“Do you ever just wish you were a star?” I found myself asking as I looked to Daniel.

He looked up towards the sky from the window I had been looking our of as I said that, taking note of how millions of stars lit up the sky like tiny little fireflies in the darkness. They were like a city, each star being another level of a skyscraper lit up by the lights inside.

Except these skyscrapers were special. They were lit up by the universe. Touched by the hands of God himself.

“We're so insignificant compared to them, aren't we?” I said as I grabbed a hold of his hand and interlinked our fingers. “In the grand scheme of things, none of this shit really matters. It never really does.”

I felt dead half the time; like I wasn't really living. Like I was just existing. Spectating. Viewing. I was the side character in somebody else's story with no real importance. If I lived or died, life would still go on. The sun would still rise the next morning and then later that evening it would set. I had no real bearing on anybody. And that was okay.

The problem came when I realised I had no real bearing on myself as well. How was I playing the side character in my own story? Just watching other people do things; watching Teo grow and Daniel protect me from all these people try to kill me.

Let them kill me. It had the same effect as killing an ant in a hive. Ants didn't live in hives, did they?

“They just sit there,” I said almost under my breath,“lighting the way for millions. They don't have to do anything profound and people just love them; admire them. Look up to them.”

“I'd assume it would be boring to be a star.” I looked at him, my brows farrowing at his words as he stared up at the ceiling like he hadn't just said anything. Clearly, he had no intentions to elaborate but I wanted to hear what he had to say so I squeezed his hand.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean...” he trailed off as of struggling to convey his thoughts into words before effortlessly switching into Spanish. I found that it helped him communicate better, speaking his mother tongue because it was his first language. It was the language he was most comfortable with, so if something was hard for him to say, why say it in English when he had Spanish. “I mean the stars are there, literally burning themselves alive until they have nothing else to burn and then... they die.”

Lines had formed on his forehead as he furrowed his eyebrows, thinking hard about his words. I wanted to reach over to him and smooth them out and kiss all his worries away. I wanted to take care of him. I wanted him to let me love him.

I took his hand in mine, interlinked our fingers because I liked holding his hand. I liked the way he made me feel. I liked the way I made him feel. God, he looked so perfect right now. Always.

He looked down at our interlinked hands for a thoughtful second before bringing his gaze back to the window.

“You're religious,” I stated even though it was supposed to be a question. I cleared my throat and fixed the mistake, “Are you?”

He furrowed his eyebrows and shrugged. “Depends.”

“On what?”

“How you define it.” I didn't say anything and instead watched him, hoping he would get the gist on his own and elaborate. “I believe in...” he trailed off for a second before gathering his thoughts again, “in a divine being. And I believe Jesus was his prophet, so that would make me Christian.” I nodded, silently encouraging him to continue. “But I don't believe in the Catholic Church. Or the protestant one or any other church out there. It's just me and the God I pray to. No one else.”

“Do you pray?” I found myself asking, focusing on his last words.

He only shrugged. “Occasionally.”

“I pray,” I declared, making him smile because it was already a commonly known fact. “I pray every night,” I said. “I pray for you. I have a little book with a list of names of the people I pray for every night. I pray for Mateo, and then Pablo, and then Anna even though she's not religious, and my mother, bless her soul, and my father and then you. You're last on the list because for two years I didn't pray for you, but when I found out you were innocent, I started praying for you again.”

Despite finding out that I hadn't prayed for him in two years, Daniel smiled at my words and brought my hand up to his chest. He never explained why, but I let myself believe that it was because he wanted me to feel his heart beat.

“I don't pray often,” he began. “but when I do, I pray for you.” I couldn't help the butterflies that flooded to my stomach at his words, but I kept my mouth shut and allowed him to finish. “I pray for your health and your safety, and then I thank God for putting you in my life. You and Mateo. You don't understand how much you mean to me, I know you don't.” He brought his hand up to my face to gently caressing me as ge spoke again. “You asked me how it would feel like to be a star,” he reminded me of what had prompted this conversation in the first place. “You should ask yourself, because you're already the star I orbit around. You bring me light. You bring me warmth and when you're gone, it goes dark and cold like the night. But instead of sleeping, I wait for you until you come back and bring the light with you.”

I couldn't help but smile at his words, my eyes watering, but I pushed them back leaving him to fill in the silence again.

“When you left, that's what I did,” he continued. “It was like my vision had left me. Everything was dark and cold. I couldn't do anything without you. I couldn't even think enough to realise that you hadn't left me. Then I realised that I could find you and so I did. I hunted you down until I knew your exact location and it took me everything not to come and get you, but I knew I didn't deserve you. I knew you deserved to be free from me so I left you alone and instead watched you from afar,” he explained, making me frown.

“Why did you show up after a while?” I asked, noting how it sounded like I wasn't happy with the fact that he showed up, but in reality, I was. I just wanted to know what had prompted him to finally come out of hiding

“I just wanted to see my son,” he answered honestly, stroking Mateo's hair in his sleep. “I never intended on taking him.”

“I'm glad you came,” I added after a long while of silence.

“I am too.”

***

The ending most likely has a couple mistakes I know I'm aware.

I'm going to sleep now but I'll add a proper authors note tmr hopefully and explain my disappearance lmfaoo