Essie approached Mr. British-and-Wonderful's table, but realized she his prick friend was still with him. But then, blessed be God, Harry the Prick got up to use the bathroom. So Essie swooped in and asked Mr. Chocolatey-Sweet if he could help her with something.

"Hi, I wonder if you could please, please help me with my car. It won't start, but I'm not sure if it's the battery. And you just look so nice and trustworthy...."

"Um, sure I can take a look if you'd like, but I don't know how much help I'll be. I only know a little bit about cars."

"Thank you," Essie gushed.

The gentleman followed her out the back entrance to her car.

"I'm Essie, by the way. And you are?"

"Liam."

"Well, thanks for your help, Liam." Essie arrived at the car and opened the back door.

Liam gave her a confused look.

"Well, there's a noise coming from somewhere back there when I try to start the car, so if you get in, you can listen for it while I try to start the car. Can you do that, please?"

"But it's not even close to the engine," Liam replied.

"I know – weird, right?" Essie said impatiently. "Just get in, please, and we'll see if you can figure it out for me or not."

Liam sighed and climbed in the back seat. Essie slammed the door, got into the driver's seat, and engaged the locks. She took a deep breath and dug into the glove compartment. Then she carefully slid the pistol out of her pants.

She started up the car and Liam said, "Great! Sounds like it works now and I didn't hear any strange noi-" He stopped dead when he saw Essie pointing a gun straight at his face.

"Whoa, I don't know what's going on here, but I'm just going to get out of the car, and I won't say anything about this to anyone.

He started to reach for the door and Essie yelled, "Do not move!" And Liam froze.

Essie leaned over the seat and, with the gun still pointed at Liam, she grabbed the handcuffs and gave them to him, saying, "Hang them over that handle." She pointed to the grab bar above the door.

"No," Liam scoffed. I'm not going to do that."

"Liam, I don't want to have to shoot you because, after all, you're really cute." She made her voice sound a lot more harsh and demanded, "Now, DO IT!"

Liam obeyed, and then Essie yelled, "Now put your hands in them!" She watched while he did it, keeping the pistol trained on him and fiddling with the trigger, trying to make him understand that she was ready to shoot if he made one false move. She seriously hoped he wouldn't call her bluff, since she knew there weren't any bullets actually in it.

As soon as the handcuffs were tightened to her satisfaction, Essie plopped herself down into the driver's seat and raced out of the parking lot.

"So now what?" Liam asked.

"What do you mean?" Essie wondered.

"I mean, now what? Are you holding me for ransom? You won't get much money, I promise you."

"Oh, right. I'm sure your mommy and daddy dear would pay handsomely for your pretty little head."

"Well, you must not know very much about me, then. I guess you didn't do your research before you hatched this psychopathic plan."

"I didn't hatch any plan, Liam," Essie scoffed. "I saw an opportunity and I took it."

"So, you saw an opportunity, and just happened to have a pistol and handcuffs?" He sneered.

"Well, yes, as a matter of fact, they were part of the opportunity – they belong to my boss. You might have seen him – a skinny Pakistani guy wearing a cowboy hat. His name is John "Zayn" Wayne."

"Whatever drugs you're on, I'm betting it's not safe for you to drive while taking them," Liam muttered.

"I'm not on drugs. His name is really John Wayne."

"Well, actually, I was referring to the fact that you kidnapped me, which is a felony, by the way. Drugs must be involved somehow."

"No! There are no drugs!" Essie yelled.

"Then can you please explain why you have me handcuffed to the backseat of your car?"

"You know what? You're talking to much," Essie said, and she pulled into an alley that appeared to be deserted. She rushed to the trunk and grabbed a pair of socks and a stretchy headband out of her luggage.

She hopped into the backseat and slammed the door behind her so Liam couldn't start yelling for help through the open door. Then she shoved a wadded up sock in his mouth and put the headband over his eyes. She reached across his lap and into his pockets. He started grunting and squirming as she examined his pants pockets. She pulled out his wallet and a set of keys. She searched the pockets of his blazer, too, just in case.Then she buckled his seat belt for him.

Finally, she pulled the sock out of his mouth and asked, "Where's your cell phone?"

"In my coat," he replied dryly.

"I checked your coat," she snapped.

"My overcoat, which is back at the bar. You know, where I am supposed to be, enjoying a buffalo burger instead of being abducted by Captain Crazy Hair."

Essie shot him a sharp look and he thought maybe he'd offended her; not that he cared. But then she laughed and said, "Really? That's all you got?" And she shoved the sock back into his mouth.

She took off again, racing for the freeway, trying to make up for lost time because Mommie Dearest would not be in a happy mood if anyone was late. She turned on some Christmas music and started singing along very loudly. And off key.

She actually felt peaceful as she drove. She drove higher and higher into the snowy mountains and just enjoyed the view. "Look at that," she remarked in a wistful voice. "It's so beautiful up here."

From the back, she heard a muffled, "Ahfafee."

"What was that, Liam?"

"Ahfafee!"

Then she remembered the sock in his mouth. It had been nice and quiet, but it wouldn't hurt for him to be able to talk now. She leaned back to reach the sock and she swerved as she did so, but she managed to snatch the sock and stay on the road.

"Watch the road!" He snapped. "It feels like we're skidding all over the place. I was trying to say 'I can't see,' but I'm not sure if I want to see what's happening. Where are we anyway?"

"Ha ha, nice try. We're almost there."

"Where's there?" He demanded.

"Oh!" Essie yelped in glee. "There's a little drug store. I need to get something to wash this color out of my hair." And she veered the car off the road and into the parking lot. As she stepped out of the vehicle, she gave Liam a stern warning, "Do not try to escape or call for help. I have the pistol with me and I'll use it if I have to."

Essie walked into the store and asked the clerk, "Do you have Color Oops? As you can see, I had a little incident with my hair." The clerk directed her to the correct aisle and Essie took off, grabbed a box of the stuff and dashed back to the checkout counter.

Unfortunately, the nosy clerk had nothing better to do than to check out people's cars. She looked at Essie a little warily and then asked, "What's going on with that guy in your back seat?"

"Oh," Essie laughed, pretending to be a little more than embarrassed. "That's my boyfriend. I'm taking him on a surprise getaway, to a chalet in the woods, and we'll have a little fun, if you know what I mean." Then she lowered her voice to a whisper, "You know, blindfolded, tying each other up kind of fun."

The cashier just gave her a disgusted look and waved her off.

Essie rushed back to the car, slammed it into gear and took off. She didn't want the clerk to take note of her license plate, just in case she didn't believe her depraved story.

When she finally pulled up outside the chalet, Essie pulled the sock out of Liam's mouth and took his blindfold off. Then she laid it all out for him: "This is my family Christmas. I need you for two days and then you're free to go. I'm not going to hurt you, I just need a boyfriend to please the parents. That's it. Okay?"

"No!" Liam shouted. Gosh, even his yelling voice was cute with that accent. "I will do no such thing! I'm not a Casanova to be hired for your freakish pleasures."

"Good, because I wasn't planning to pay you. And I'm not going to try anything kinky, I promise. Unless you want to," Essie said, winking.

"Heavens, no," he grimaced.

"Thanks for the ego boost," she snipped. "Wait here, I'll be right back."

Essie rushed into the chalet and called, "Mom, Dad, we're here!"

Mr. and Mrs. Richards came and smothered their little girl with hugs and kisses. Yes, it all looked nice on the outside, but hugs and kisses hardly made up for years of castigation.

Mrs. Richards pulled away and asked, "Well, where's Niall?"

Essie took a deep breath. "I know this will sound weird, but he wants us to call him Liam now. That's his middle name. It's a long story, but he changed his name, just like I'm going to one of these days, thank you very much!"

"You will do no such thing, young lady!" Her father barked. "That is the name we gave you and you will respect it!"

"His name is Niall Liam? That's very strange," her mother commented.

"Well, where is he?" Her father asked.

"Oh, oh, yeah right. He's in the car, but I wanted to give you a little head's up. He might not seem like it, but he's kind of self-conscious and he does this strange thing when he feels uncomfortable. He says things like, 'I don't want to be here,' and 'I've been kidnapped," when he's nervous. He's just trying to be funny and break the ice, so just laugh with him and he'll warm up."

Then Essie dashed back out to the car to unlock the handcuffs. "Okay, let's go!" She said cheerfully.

Liam just sat there, looking at her incredulously. "You can't be serious. You know that as soon as I get in there, I'm calling the police."

"Ha! I doubt it. Anyway, you can't stay out here – it's too cold. You'll freeze your...toes off."

Liam reluctantly followed Essie into the chalet and was subsequently crushed into a sandwich hug between Essie's parents.

"Welcome, Ni-I mean, Liam!" Mrs. Richards gushed. "It's so nice to meet you. Essie's never brought home a boyfriend before."

"She was kind of a late bloomer," Mr. Richards said in a loud whisper. "We even thought she might be, well...you know..." His voice trailed off, feeling too embarrassed to continue.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, Dad, I know! You thought I was a lesbian. I can assure you that I'm not."

Her mother and father both cringed at the word lesbian.

Flippin' neanderthals, she thought.

"Stop!" Yelled Liam, who had been trying to speak for five minutes but couldn't finagle his way into the conversation. "Your daughter abducted me! She held me at gunpoint and forced me to come here today!"

Mr. and Mrs. Richards stared at him for a moment and Liam thought they were going to react much differently than they did. They both burst into laughter as if he had just told the most hysterical joke.

"Oh, Liam, that's funny. No need to be shy around us. By the way, you can call me Monica, and that's Frederick," she said, motioning to her husband.

"I'm serious!" Liam insisted. "What is wrong with you people? I really was kidnapped at gunpoint!"

Mr. and Mrs. Richards just laughed again and then walked away, leaving Essie and Liam alone in the foyer.

"Your whole family is insane!" Liam seethed. "I need to find a phone," he said, walking away to try to find one.

Essie went to the kitchen. "Can I help you with dinner, Mom?"

"Oh, no, honey, it's just about finished. Why don't you show Liam around?"

"No, I think  I'll just let him chill for a little bit," Essie said.

A few minutes later, Mrs. Richards said, "Well, let me show you to your rooms. Liam? Come along, I'll show you where you'll be sleeping."

When they got to the second floor, Mrs. Richards started saying, "Essie, you'll be in this room, and Liam-"

"Mom!" Essie said firmly. "I'm not a child anymore and I think I'm old enough to sleep in the same room as my boyfriend."

"Uh, oh well, okay then," Mrs. Richards stuttered.

Just then, they heard the front door of the chalet open. Essie's older brother and sister came in with loads of bags and boxes. Essie rushed downstairs to greet them. Liam was hot on her heels, dying to meet someone with common sense.

"Liam, this is my older sister, Abigail, and my brother, Louis," she said, and then to her siblings, she announced, "This is my boyfriend, Liam."

"Hey, nice to meet you, Liam," Louis said, giving him a firm handshake.

"Charmed, but please, you've got to listen to me. I was brought here against my will and your sister is demanding that I pretend to be her boyfriend. I have a girlfriend back home and I was going to propose, and-"

Louis just looked confused while Abigail asked Essie, "What is he talking about?"

"Oh, it's this thing he does when he's nervous and wants to break the ice. 'I've been kidnapped, please help me.' I don't get it, but it helps if you just laugh."

"I'm not lying!" Liam growled. "She lured me to her car and then put me in handcuffs-"

"Oh, baby, don't bring up the handcuffs. Not in front of my parents," Essie laughed, and everyone else joined in, laughing til their faces were red.

"Nice to meet you, Liam," Abigail laughed as she dragged her luggage up the stairs.

Liam grabbed Essie's arm and dragged her outside. "You are all a bunch of lunatics!" He fumed. "How can you possibly think this is okay?"

Essie looked at him sympathetically. "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have done this, but I just can't disappoint my parents. You would never understand, Mr. Tall, Hot and British! You were probably your parents' golden child who could do no wrong. Please just stay til Christmas."

"Absolutely not! You are certifiably insane. And I could tell even before you abducted me, with your ridiculous hair and your pornographic sweater and the matchy-matchy socks. I seriously thought you were part of a government-sponsored work program. If you, by some very slim chance, manage to avoid going to prison for this, then you will be part of such a program for the rest of your life because no one is going to hire a convicted felon, not to mention a psychopath!"

Essie tried to hide the hurt on her face. But she knew it was true. She looked like a loser. She felt like a loser. And now she had stooped so low as to kidnap an innocent man – a very sexy, very British innocent man – and she was probably going to go to prison.

She was a loser.

She just nodded, agreeing with Liam, and went back inside the chalet.

Liam began walking briskly, straining his eyes in the light of dusk to see if there were any other cabins or houses nearby. Maybe a road where he could flag someone down. He walked down the driveway and a long way down the narrow road before he realized he could easily get lost. And he was extremely cold.

So he turned back to the warm and charming residence of his lunatic captors. At least they were too stupid to cause him any real harm, he thought.

As soon as he stepped back into the chalet, he tore off his sports coat, which was soaked with snow, and he threw off his shoes. Essie came and asked, "Are you okay?"

"Do I look okay?" He spat. "I'm soaking wet, I'm miles from nowhere, and I'm about to have dinner with the Bundys."

Again, Essie sheepishly said, "I'm sorry?"

"Sorry enough to find me some dry clothes?" Liam asked.

"Yes, of course," she said, leading him up the stairs and directing him to the bathroom. "Take your wet clothes off in there and I will try to find something in my brother's room."

Essie went and found a pair of lounge pants and a t-shirt in Louis' suitcase. She brought them back to Liam and asked through the door. "Do you need, um...boxers, too?"

"No, these should be fine for now, but my feet are freezing. Socks or slippers, perhaps?"

She left the clothes by the door and went to find some slippers. She saw Louis' wacky elf slippers and put them on the pile of clothes. "Outside the door," she called and then went downstairs to tell Louis that Liam was borrowing a few things.

"He didn't bring a suitcase?" Louis asked.

"Uh, no, we forgot it in his car, go figure!" She laughed. "If Mom hadn't pressured us so much about being on time, we might have remembered."

Mrs. Richards just gave her daughter a warning look.

Just then, Liam came in wearing Louis' clothing, complete with the pointy elf slippers. Everyone laughed because the slippers had become a family tradition, but Liam looked less than amused. Humiliated was more like it. He was intensely grateful when Mrs. Richards called everyone to the table so he could hide his ridiculous, yet warm, feet.

During dinner, the conversation naturally turned towards the Richards children's lives and careers. Because that's what Mr. and Mrs. Richards lived for, in case that wasn't abundantly clear – they lived for running, and ruining, their children's lives.

Mr. Richards started out. "So, Essie, Mr. Farmington called me while you were unpacking...."

Essie rolled her eyes and sat back in her chair. "Yeah?" She said sarcastically.

"Well, baby girl, I'm addressing this in front of everyone because your behavior today humiliated the entire Richards family."

"What did you do?" Abigail asked, trying to hide her smile.

"I just told him that he was welcome to crawl up my ass with a microscope to see if I had what it takes to be one of his robots."

Abigail and Louis burst out laughing, and Liam stifled a chuckle, too. But Essie's parents were livid.

"How could you do this to us?" Her mother cried. "How could you make fools out of all of us?"

"I don't know, Mom. You've made a living out of making fools out of us," Essie snapped back, gesturing to her sister and brother.

"Esther Marie Richards! Apologize to your mother right now!" Mr. Richards roared.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am," Essie said in a small voice.

She didn't notice, but Liam gave her a sympathetic look. Although her behavior in the interview was atrocious, he was beginning to understand her need to rebel, to shake things up. The kidnapping, although it was still a felony, made a little more sense to him somehow.

"Now, it's time for you to start taking your career seriously, young lady," her father continued.

"I am taking my career seriously, Dad. I'm painting new pieces all the time and I've sold a few small works already. It takes some time, but my name is getting out there."

"That's a hobby, baby girl. I'm talking about your life," he said.

"Yeah, so am I, Dad," she said mournfully and excused herself from the table.

Essie went upstairs to get ready for bed and turned out the light, although she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep. She lay in the dark for a long time, thinking about the mess she'd created for herself. Slowly, the tears started rolling down her cheeks and into her hair.

Liam tiptoed in, trying not to wake her up, which she though was very kind of him, considering she didn't deserve anything from him. She reached over and turned on the lamp so he could see where he was going but she caught him standing there, clad only in his boxers.

"Oh, oh, I'm so sorry," she said, squeezing her eyes shut. "I just wanted you to be able to find your way."

"It's all right, all the proper parts are covered anyway," he joked. "Is there an extra blanket somewhere?"

"Check the closet. Why?"

"Well, I was going to sleep on the floor. I didn't want to disturb you."

"Liam, you can have the bed, I'll sleep on the floor. It's my fault you're in this stupid mess."

She began to get out of bed and Liam stopped her. "You're right, it is all your fault. But I think we can both sleep here if we remember our manners, don't you think?"

Essie laughed. "You trust me to remember my manners after I kidnapped you? And then after you witnessed the Richards family circus down there? You're pretty brave."

Liam actually laughed and then Essie said, "I promise I will keep my hands to myself."

After she had turned out the light again, Essie heard Liam say quietly, "I'm sorry for what your parents said to you. That was rather harsh."

"Thanks," she said. "But I'm used to it."

However, as he fell asleep to the sounds of Essie sniffling, he knew she wasn't used to it.