mother,
how do i put on my christmas list that all i want this season is a lighter weight on my shoulders and a quieter mind? how do i ask santa for a new life? a ticket on the next train to new york? a new name? a new face? a new personality?

mother,
i know what you what from me. makeup and dresses and smartphones and money. i know very little, im not sure if you know that. im not sure how much of me you know these days. that's my fault, im sorry.

mother,
all i want for christmas is some silence, some nightfall in my life, maybe snow. all i want for christmas is a new lense, so i can look out at the world and see the beauty bursting from the concrete everywhere. i would say peace, but id settle for more time getting to know myself.

mother,
here i am, daughter of yours but far from a child. it's important to me that you know that, as much as i wish i could go back to being five, when all of my worries could fit on the pad of my thumb. there are horrors which lurk in me that i think we share. mother, i want us to banish them together.

mother,
for christmas i want the color yellow, and i want the sun to shine on everything so much that i am blinded. i feel like i have a solar flare in my heart. mother, can you fix that?