i often feel like most things in my life are like a trick candle, like i get rid of them and think that i've won until they come back and get me. until im the only one left.

i feel like i've been the same person since i was five, forever stuck feeling small and alone and quiet. forever stuck between an angel and a waterfall, my wants piling up and keeping me under the surface. drowning in the night.

why am i always biting the hand that feeds me? self destruction, the voice in my head tells. self destruction, like fireworks over your city. self destruction, burying you in rubble.

my mind capsized, and i spilled out stories and messes that don't look all that different. i wonder if everyone can tell that feeling is hard for me. the memories slip through my hands like water as i swim to shore.

i wonder why we fool ourselves into believing that other people can save us.

im slipping like water through the cracks now, dredging up the wood, coming up mold. i wonder if this house was rotten before we made it a home.

i go places alone now. wear lipstick to the hardware store, cry wolf in the mall food court. i go places without you.

but i wonder if anyone ever really sees me anymore.