I was ready to swear off any and all support groups of any kind yesterday but after cooling off and spending the rest of the day with Vimla, I wasn't going to let one bad experiences scare me away from my healing.

I walked into that building with my head held high, ready for another face off with the grinch.

I saw the lanky girl from yesterday getting herself a cup of coffee and I decided to approach her.

"Afternoon," I greeted.

"Afternoon? Why are you acting all proper, is that a British thing?" She quirked up one of her eyebrows as she stirred her coffee.

"I'm just weird like that." I said as I shrugged my shoulders.

She turned to face me and I noticed she was wearing a Nirvana t-shirt today. It was one of those black t-shirts with the smiley face on it though hers was worn and was beginning to look more grey than black.

I pointed to her t-shirt and asked,"Do you actually listen to the bands or you just liked the t-shirt?"

"I'm a hardcore rock fan, especially stuff from before my time. I don't fuck with that new age bullshi.t." She told me.

"Tell me about it! Like what the hell is a migos?" I say.

We both laugh at my words and a little coffee spills out of her cup as she laughs.

"I'm Wilhem by the way." I introduce myself.

"Gail." She wipes her hand with a napkin before holding it out for me to shake.

I take a hold of her warm hand and shoot her a fleeting smile.

"We're starting our session now. Can everybody please take their seats so we begin." I heard Ms Rochester announce.

Gail and I walked over to the circle, I leaned in and said, "hopefully this time will be better than the last."

"I'm sure it will." Gail replied before taking her seat.

I followed suit and took a seat in between her and another girl who's pixie cut made her look like she was still in middle school.

"So today we'll be talking about victim guilt," she began. Her hands were intertwined over the surface of the clipboard that lay on her crossed laps.
"Who would like to start up the conversation?"

I looked around the room, so did the others, waiting for someone to start speaking. I obviously wasn't going to be the one to open the floor to the conversation. Not after what happened last time.

I didn't want a repeat of me having to explain myself again.

"Well," Gail began. "I guess I'll start."

I exhaled a heavy breath. I'd been unknowingly holding my breath the entire time.

"As you may know, or not," she glanced at me. "I was in a very toxic and abusive relationship for aboit five years. I remember always asking myself how I could have let myself be raped, repeatedly. I was choosing to stay with someone who would beat me and use me as they pleased and at some point I started to expect the rape. I don't know what made me feel worse, the actual rape or that I orgasmed everytime.

I started to associate violence with sex, with pleasure. At some point I stopped fighting him off, I'd just lay there and take it." She let's out a chocked laugh. "You watch a movie or hear a story about women who stay in abusive relationships and you tell yourself that, 'I won't ever let that happen to me. I'd leave,' but you don't know what it's like until it happens to you."

I noticed a few other girls in the room nod in agreement with her.

I tried to think about my attack, trying to recall if maybe I'd felt the same way about my encounter. But I didn't.

The memory of what transpired that night was hazy and I was grateful for that. I was glad I wouldn't be plagued with the visuals of what took place.

"Does the guilt ever go away?" The girl with the pixie cut asked. She was sitting on the palms of her hands, visibly shaking.

A moment passed before Gail replied her."It does, eventually. Sometimes it creeps up on you but for the most part it does go away," she smiled reassuringly to her.

Some of the other girls pitched in, some with questions and others with answers to those questions.

"Do you have anything to add Will?" Ms Rochester asked.

I was happy simply just listening today so I simply just shrugged. I heard Morgan snort at my response, or lack there of.

Ms Rochester ignored her and just looked at me. "Taking part in these discussion is encouraged William."

I wanted to correct her mispronouncation of my name but instead, I remained silent. I was used to people doing it all the time anyway.

Noticing my reluctance to speak, Ms Rochester continued to look my way. "It's okay. It takes time getting comfortable enough to engage in our discussions."

The discussions continued after that and after about an hour of listening to these girls. . . I needed a drink.

The stories I'd heard today made me sick to my stomach. I could barely keep myself from crying my eyes out.

"I think that's all the time we have for today so we will end our session right now. You can help yourself to some snacks and coffee."

With that, we all dispersed into little groups. Most of the girls, like me, headed towards the door to leave.

I felt a light tap over my shoulder as I was walking out. It was Gail.

"You look like you need a drink." She said.

"Are you a mind reader?" I quipped.

She looked up at me, "I was the exact same way in the beginning. Hearing all these bad things that's happened to these girls is. . .unnerving. And you my good sir, need a drink."

"And I know just the place." She gently tucked at my shirt. "Come."

author's note

Guess whose back?  I'm going to really try and finish Homophobe. My unrelenting writer's block seemed to be on leave so I should be updating more.

Thank you to everyone who has read this and waited patiently for me to update :)

-odeya