Hey guys 👋🏻

Here's a little memoir type of a story from me.

This drawing in the book cover is a digital illustration made by me from a picture of me with my late grandmother. She passed away on 30th April, 2007. 

This might be a bit too sad but I think some people might be able relate because at one point or another they must have felt extremely low after having lost a loved one.

Sometimes we feel like no one understands how we feel because we tend to avoid the topic so that the other person isn't hurt and even they don't talk about it assuming we are too immature to understand the gravity of the situation.

So, now without further ado let's jump into this memoir

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Hope is associated to the positive things in life. 

People often say that in dark times if you have hope, you have everything. 

There's also a saying:

"Hope is being able to see that there is light, despite all the darkness."

But people often forget that every coin has two sides. 

You might be wondering what exactly do I mean by this. 

I personally believe that Hope is something which can be both a boon and a curse.

In tough times, some people hold onto hope and survive the darkest moments of their life. 

In my case however, I have had to experience a dark phase of my life which became almost unbearable because I was a hopeful child.

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Children are the most hopeful people in the world. 

They don't know about the hardships of life and are always sheltered by their families and loved ones.

Nobody thinks to prepare a child for the loss of a loved one.

Children often have this misconception that their loved one will always be with them. 

They believe that their relatives, especially their grandparents will always be in their life. 

They also tend to get attached to their grandparents the most because grandparents always love them without ever getting angry.

(Fun fact: Once I actually told my grandmother that grandparents can't get angry.) 

As a kid, I was extremely close to my grandmother, my Dadi. 

I couldn't even imagine a world without her in it. My days started and ended with my Dadi because she loved me the most. 

My mother would argue that she spoilt me by her pampering but I knew that if I ever made a mistake she would also be the first one to reprimand me. She never scolded me like my mother but she always correct me politely.

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My Dadi was the most helpful and responsible person that I have ever known. She would never hesitate to help anyone in need around her without caring about her own health. 

She was the oldest in our family and so she believed that it was her responsibility to help her younger siblings just like her husband and my grandfather.

I was used to seeing her running around to help everyone and do her best to make everyone around her comfortable. I have heard of a time when she helped in a wedding in our family even though her shoulder was fractured. I can't even remember a time when I might have seen her resting because she was sick.

Can you even imagine that a person as fit as her would leave you, that too forever?

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The one concept of death that I had, as a seven year old, was that only sick people die. 

How could I even imagine a situation where my Dadi, the one who always runs around to help everyone around her, could die?

When my father received the news about my Dadi's death nobody told me the complete truth so I was led to believe that my grandmother was simply sick.

I held on to hope till the very last minute that everything would okay, but in the end it was my hope that made her death a devastating blow for me.

I could never remember the dreams I saw in my sleep once I woke up but I can still remember the small dream I saw in my nap when we were travelling to our home in our native place.

I was so hopeful even in that little dream and when reality struck, it hit me a lot harder than anyone could ever imagine.

I can quite vividly remember what I hoped to see that day and what I actually saw.

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In my dream, I was travelling to my home in my native place with my parents just like I was in real life. 

We arrived home and go straight to my grandparent's room in the back. 

I remember seeing my grandmother on her side of the bed with grandfather right next to her. 

I remember my grandfather telling us that my grandmother was just fine and that with some medicines she'll be back to her normal self by the next day.

~~~~~~~

This was one dream that I had dearly wished to come true. 

The hopeful kid that I was, I had almost convinced myself that whatever I saw will come true.

Unfortunately, not all dreams and wishes come true.

The reality of the situation was so far off from my imagination.

When we arrived, I found my grandfather at the door waiting for us. He hugged my father and cried.

I had never seen my grandfather cry before and in that moment I knew that everything would not be okay.

Seeing a strong man like him cry like that broke something inside me.

In that moment, I just knew that nothing would be the same ever again.

My hopes came crashing down upon realising that my Dadi was not simply sick.

My Dadi was gone. Forever.

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People might say that what does a kid know about pain and suffering. 

Adults tend to ignore a kid's feelings with the assumption that they don't know anything because they haven't seen the world yet.

Remembering a moment where you dearly wished for something to be true but reality ends up being the opposite of what you hoped for gives the worst kind of pain.

Remembering the day you were so hopeful about something just for everything to come crashing down is the worst feeling in the world.

And continuing to remember almost every detail of such a fateful day for years after the incident is the worst kind of suffering.

Just because someone is young doesn't mean that they are perfectly okay with the way things are around them.

Just because someone is young doesn't mean that what they might be going through is not that important.

Just because someone is young doesn't mean that they will always talk about their problems and if they don't say anything it then it doesn't mean that they are fine.

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I know that this might seem quite personal but I felt like I should post this.

I'll admit that I still haven't quite gotten over this incident but the pain has somewhat reduced over the past fifteen years.

I pray that none of you guys ever have to go through anything like this in your life because I wouldn't wish this kind of pain for anyone no matter how horrible they might have been to me in the past.